Wednesday, March 24

Top Ten List - Part 1.

As you'll notice, I had to make some light changes to the format here to accommodate what I wanted to do today. I archived the posts weekly instead of monthly, and I enabled only the newest 4 posts to be on the main page. Hopefully, this will allow the page to open a little quicker with less problems. This also means that you'll have to come back more often so you don't have to dig in the archives for a missed post. Here at the Communist Dance Party, you give a little and you'll get a little in return. And today I'm giving you one whopper of a post.

People like lists. American people will not rest until they have taken every single thing on the planet and attached a ranking and short description to it. In fact, we do this to stars and galaxies as well, so we have actually transcended the globe in our quest to rank. People love nothing more than to see anything listed in ascending order of goodness. And I am no different, which is why today I am joining the flock with a list of my own. Allow me to present to you:

The 10 Worst People Ever.

I'm counting down the 10 most despicable, bile-inducing humans since the beginning of time. People who, in the words of Krusty the Klown, "would make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage". First, a few ground rules. In the spirit of entertainment, I tried to make sure to include mostly well-known people. Sure, Ashton Kutcher may not be as big of an ass as say, Karl Rove, but most people couldn't identify Karl Rove on a bet. So, it's mostly famous people I hate. Superficial and unoriginal? Sure. Funny? You betcha. And away we go.

10. Renee Zellweger


Some day, try this experiment out. Ask 20 random people if they know who Renee Zellweger is, and I bet that 19 of them will recoil in disgust and hatred before you even ask them a follow-up. With a response as common as this, it's a mystery how she's been so successful as an actress. She's a sub-par thespian at best, she lacks basic personality and likeability, and she CONSTANTLY has a look on her face as if she's sucking on a lime-flavored Cry Baby. Remember those? When I was younger, I would meet my friends at the Marble Park beach. I couldn't swim, so I would lay on a blanket and eat those all day because I thought that downing them was a symbol of manhood. Later, I realized that I was trying to make up for not being able to swim. But I digress. She is a shining example that Hollywood is completely void of Oscar-worthy talent, but someone has to win anyways.

9. "Charlie" From "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"


The idea behind "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" was that all of the other children there were undeserving and rude, while Charlie was pure of heart, and the only one to take over the factory. This is a warm and fuzzy concept, but in all honesty, Charlie should have had a bullet in his head by Act 2. What we're viewing here is a fantastic movie almost completely ruined by the single most annoying child character ever captured on film. He fit the Hitler youth mold perfectly, and the idea that he was the only "pure" one drove the idea home even more. Too bad for Charlie, homosexuals got the gas chamber too.

8. Whoopi Goldberg


Do you remember when Whoopi Goldberg used to be funny? Remember when she was a positive black female role model? Her stand-up was controversial and smart at the same time, as she jumped from character to character like Robin Williams minus the mounds of cocaine. (That jack-off was one step away from making this list, but I decided to limit it to only 1 "Comic Relief" co-host at a time) Anyways, Whoopi decided somewhere along the line to drop all the characters, all the intelligence, and all the humor. What you're left with is a sad shell of a performer turning to controversy and tired stereotypes to stay in Hollywood for one more day. (Just like Roseanne, who should have made the list based on the last season of her show alone) With a sad attempt at an ethnic "All In the Family" clone sitcom, she'll most likely be forever known as center square. And she deserves it, too.

7. The Lead Singer of "Disturbed"


The genre of metal has been transformed from wild stage productions, over the top attire, and shredding guitar solos to tortured souls venting about life being too difficult. Turn on the television and radio and you'll see Disturbed, Staind, and other bald guys bitching about women and fleeting existence. You can bet your ass that these depressed role models had hair past their waist in high school, as they scribbled Van Halen logos onto their notebooks. Folks, it's all an act, just like wrestling and Democracy. I watch this guy prance around on stage like he's a metal God, talking seriously about his "art" in interviews, and all around being a pompous wang. Now that Fred Durst is all but dead (another close list contender), this guy resembles everything I hate in music. Are you down with the sickness?

6. Bald Bull


In 1987, Nintendo americanized the greatest boxing game of all time. It was "Mike Tyson's Punch Out". You played the role of 17-year old "Little Mac", an up and coming boxer moving through the ranks on your way to the top. By your side was your morbidly obese coach, "Doc Louis". Your goal was to make your way to the "Dream Fight", and beat Kid Dynamite himself in a final showdown. Bald Bull shows up in the second half of the game, hailing from Istanbul, Turkey. What usually followed for first-time players of the game were hours of unimaginable frustration and agonizing pain. This would almost certainly climax with a throwing of the controller against the floor, or being punished for your 5 minute string of profanities. What Bald Bull had was the "bull charge", which is the equivalent to someone running at you full blast with their arms swinging. In the real world, this would-be attacker could be easily dispensed with a quick shot to the nuts. However, this seemed to work with 99% accuracy for Mr. Bull. The only upside to this is the feeling when you finally manage to pop him in the stomach, dropping him like a sack of crap. The surprised look on his face is a priceless moment to an otherwise awful childhood experience.

5. I Voted For Kodos


I know that not everyone will know who these people are, but they simply needed to be addressed. I Voted For Kodos is a semi-popular Wisconsin ska band, who we (Mediocre At Best) had the pleasure of playing with a couple of times. Ska bands in Wisconsin were a reasonably tight group. Everyone got along, booked shows for each other, and enjoyed each other's company. The majority of these bands were full of incredibly nice people. All you need to know about I Voted For Kodos is that every other band despised them. They were just 10 of the biggest overrated assholes you'd ever want to meet. They thought that they were the saving grace to the genre, even though from a musician's standpoint they ripped off almost 3/4 of all their songs note for note. You'd try to talk nicely to them, and they'd walk away while you were in mid-sentence. They would get on stage and rip on the opening bands, and the kids who worked their asses off to put on a good show for no money. The real closer was their appearance at the now-closed Concert Cafe. On stage, they ridiculed the audience, causing a lot of people to leave. Off stage, they vandalized a local business, leaving the damage bill to the owner of the Concert Cafe, a man who needn't be messed around with. Needless to say, they quickly became the most hated band in the entire state. (As a side note, they opened for US.)

4. Joy Behar and Star Jones



Sometimes I watch "The View". Shut up! You don't know me! Anyways, this show is home to the 2 worst women in television. These women are so stereotypically awful, no self-respecting woman should stand either one of them. Joy Behar is the standard loud-mouth no-nothing. She's hasn't said an intelligent or relevant thing, yet she's been on that show for years and never seems to stop talking. What men hate about her, women should REALLY hate about her. Every time she opens her food-hole, she sends the movement back another 15 years. Women can no longer vote thanks to her! Her "Don't blame me, I'm just a dumb woman" act is wearing thin, and is really embarrassing. Star Jones is no better. In fact, she's worse because she thinks she DOES know everything. She has no sense of humor, and carries the "independent black woman" act to ridiculous lengths. She constantly tells the audience things like, "If you don't agree with me, you can kiss my fat black ass". This is an audience who is there because they are supporting fans, and did nothing but listen to the answer of a question they never asked. These 2 woman are more shameful to their gender than all the dumb models and porn stars in the world. At least those women don't pretend to be something they're not.

3. "Manos", From "Manos: The Hands of Fate"


Manos is simply the most awful character ever seen on any recording medium. This guy runs a backwoods cult, has countless wives chained in the backyard, and has a man-child with HOOVES for feet running the place. And he's not even from Utah, for God's sake! It's legal there! But I kid Utah, they're alright. All I can say to you is watch Manos: The Hands of Fate. You will never live life the same way again. You'll lie in bed at night, trying to remember how great life was before you were introduced to him and Torgo and company. But you'll never be able to go back. Once you see the surprise ending (which I will not give away here), a part of you will die forever.

2. George W. Bush


Perhaps this was too easy of a target, but it had to be done. I'm not going to say anything about him now, as we're all pretty much burned out on him as is. Just remember that this man is living, breathing proof that your votes DO NOT COUNT. Period.

And the number 1 worst person ever...
1. General Custer from "Custer's Revenge"



Whaa? Who is this Custer? Allow me to explain. Before there was Mortal Kombat, Grand Theft Auto and Postal, there was Custer's Revenge. It's amazing to think that the single most offensive video game of all time was also one of the first video games of all time.

In the early 80's, when the Atari company was taking off, they forgot to place limits on who could produce and sell games for their system. What this meant was that anyone capable of creating a game that was compatible with an Atari system could sell and profit from it, with no money going to the Atari company themselves. This brought on a bunch of homegrown businesses, one of which was called Mystique.

Mystique was in the business of making "adult-oriented" games. Basically, 4-bit porn. These games included such classic titles as "Bachelor Party", or "Beat it and Eat it", in which you played a masturbating male perched on the top of a building. Your object was to steer your manly deposit into the mouths of people on the ground. I wish to God that I was making all of this up, but I'm not. Keep in mind that this was the ATARI. Not only was it nearly impossible to even see what was going on, but think about the backlash something like this would receive today. Then think that it was released almost 25 years ago.

Onto "Custer's Revenge". Take a look at that image again. What you're looking at is a naked Indian tied to a cactus. That's Custer on the left side, massive unit and all exposed for the world to see. The object was to dodge snakes and other vermin to get to the bound Indian, and rape her. Seriously. You did this repeatedly until your game was over. Seriously.

Think about the problems that people have with video games today, and then think about Custer's Revenge. It had violence, sexism, graphic 4-bit sex, and actual rape, which has never before (or since) been seen on an American video game. Perhaps the number one spot should go to the programmers behind the game, but in the spirit of fairness, we're going to let the main character wear the crown of shame. Naked General Custer, you are truly the worst person ever.

Thanks for reading all of this. Check back often for part 2 of this 2 part series.

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