Monday, December 27

A Cure For Insomnia.

(Monday, December 27, 1999 - 11:27pm)

Here I sit. 11:30 central time. I am cold. I am lonely. I wish I wasn't alone. Does anyone share my sentiments? I'm not one to complain, it's just that with every evening growing more and more frigid, wouldn't it be nice to know you have someone? Someone you know will always be there to comfort you and keep you warm. At least more of a companion than a computer monitor. It's times like this I regret the choices I made in the past. The choices that got me here to this state of unrevivable apathy. Blind to the frost that shrouds my basement window at ground-level. Jaded to what is going on outside of it. Deaf to the silent tapping of keys and calloused to the freezing sheets that protect me from the elements. I am quiet. I try not to think about much of anything, but darkness is the imagination's playground. My mind becomes a carnival of a past gone wrong, of lost love, and of love not yet found. The opposite sex is merely a surface problem on the body of a human shell, yet in times like these, it becomes more of a primal need. Why must I want what I can't have? Why must our minds revolve that way? Why can't I just stop thinking and drift into slumber? I am shivering much too violently and my heart is knocking so loudly on my brain's door, it has no choice but to let it in, and keep it company. Give it coffee. Try to calm it down, and warm it up from its hypothermic state. The heart is weak to the elements, and the brain is strong. Yet in almost all cases the heart is in control, and the brain is simply a passenger, accepting whatever it is left with. But the heart is blind, and knows no logic. It is a guaranteed mishap. Even though we all know this far too well, we continue to let it plague us every waking moment. This leaves us only with peaceful dreams to rely on. Wonderful alternate reality. Anything can and will take place at this, the least productive of times for the body. As soon as you come to terms with your surroundings, you have already forgotten. I continue to shiver, but I can't tell now, as I am too used to it. I try not to think about her or my life. I just want one evening where I can sleep and not worry about anything else. However, that is my curse. I have seen far too many sunrises due to my lack of acceptance. So the next time you see that one true thing, don't hide it. Let it be known, and shout it from the bell tower. It will be all worth it for some sleep.

Oh mercy, where do I start?

This was written by me, 5 years ago tonight. To keep a long story from running any longer, I was in a pretty dark spot in my life, and I wasn't really sure what was going to happen next with me. There were a lot of things crumbling all around me, and I was slowly breaking down. If the selfish, "pity-me" writing style didn't give it away, I was in High School and I was sad. There.

I don't bust this thing out every year because I consider it a good writing of mine. Oh, heaven's no, most of it makes no sense. This is because I hadn't slept in days, maybe weeks. ("Battling insomnia and fighting wars that I can't win") Sure, I got an hour here and there, but I honestly couldn't sleep to save my life. I would spend most nights driving around and wondering what I was doing with my life. ("I filled my tank 3 times this week") If it isn't obvious that sleep deprivation is something that has affected the way I carry myself, may I direct you to the entire movie I wrote about it.

Winneconne bridge, passing foreigners and passers-by
2 AM, a Sunday night, the headlights heavy on my eyes
And now I'm all alone, a world away from home
Vacant sights and yellow lights, I guess I really should have known
What is my purpose here? What was I sent to be?
Asking questions to the stars never made much sense to me
But I know they're all I've got tonight
You are my shelter, moonlight

What's important is that I was writing about Celia. At this point, we hadn't really met. This woman was tearing me up at the time and she didn't even know it. Instead of just introducing myself like most normal people do, this was my formal hello to her. I posted it on a message board that she and her friends liked to frequent. (The board has since been overrun with Spam and the like, it's really not worth the visit.) Nobody knew who I was writing about, they just thought I was an emotional loser venting at midnight to nobody. (They were right.) However, this was enough to worm my way into her life, and soon we began chatting on the very same page. This led to talking at school, and eventually spending time with each other out of school. In a few weeks we were going out, in a few more weeks we were in a band together, and as I speak we are celebrating being a married couple for 6 months.

We've known each other for 5 years now, and I couldn't be more of a different person than who I used to be. I was all set for a mental and physical crash of epic proportions in 1999, but she showed up and changed all that. We were exactly what the other needed, and she filled the passenger seat in my Buick Somerset like nobody else could. How many people can say that the entire season of Winter reminds them of their wife? I can, and although it's bittersweet to relive memories passed, I couldn't be happier in any other situation.
Now I can finally sleep. Goodnight.

Though I appreciate the sentiment, I will not even pretend to believe that the post on Gadjitlink was about me.

I love you alot.

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