Thursday, December 23

My Project Jacket In The Attic.

I took Thursday off so I would have a 4-day weekend. Initially, I was going to use that day to finish up my Christmas shopping, but I completed that way ahead of schedule. What will I do with my day off?

7:15am - Celia wakes up for work. In true supportive Husband fashion, I get up with her and watch the repulsive horror show that is "Good Morning America". Sip orange juice as Diane Sawyer tells me that our children will be dead by the afternoon thanks to terrorists. Turn to "The Today Show" and realize that sometime last year, Katie Couric became a Botox-riddled alien. Vaguely recall meeting her while shopping at a mall in London.

8:15am - Celia leaves for work. I tell her that I have a big day planned.

8:17am - Fall asleep.

11:30am - Awake on couch, still holding half-empty glass of orange juice. Angry because I slept through "The Price is Right". Take a bath with the door open to see if my cats like the water.

Noon - Order a sub from Cousins. Balance my checkbook and pray that I get $80,000 for Christmas or I'll have to file bankruptcy. Get mail, throw away all Christmas cards that don't contain money or a comical family photo.

1:00pm - Nap.

2:30pm - Alphabetize CD's. Finally integrate both of our collections. Can already hear Celia yelling that The Shins and Sean Na Na shouldn't have to be in such close quarters with The Stereo and Soul Coughing. Remind myself to go to Best Buy and purchase new CD.

4:00pm - Wear hole in carpet from couch to kitchen to bathroom. Repeat until suicidal.

4:30pm - Afternoon nap.

5:30pm - Clean house, make bed, change dishwasher and litter boxes. Pretend I've been doing housework all day. Change clothes I was sleeping in the night before.

6:00pm - Celia comes home, and I begin to function like a normal human again. Nap.

Hey, how many times do I have to plug Boycott Unity before you go and check it out? Get in on the ground floor of the future of Stick Figure political cartoons.

TOMORROW! The Worst Christmas Ever!

Well, it's 8:45 now and none of those things have happened yet. In fact, you're still in bed.

P.S. You did NOT meet Katie Couric. You SAW Katie Couric.

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