Friday, April 16

Pleasing Bat Boy.


There you go. I hope I've made your day a little happier.

Thursday, April 15

We're On Cloud Nine!



I have a very short list of things to do before I die. One of them is to go to Japan, and make a haul playing Pachinko. And while I'm there, I'm going to take a whizz in this bathroom. I AM perfeect all today! And smell too!

I had a job interview with WPS Health Insurance earlier this week. At the end of the month I also have an interview at the Department of Agriculture, Trade and Consumer Protection. This will be followed by a test for the position of Madison Police Department Clerk Typist, and a court hearing to legally change my name to Ryan Zeinert. April is a busy month for yours truly, and if I get any of these jobs, you'll be the first to know. Besides me.

Now, with the onset of unemployment comes the onset of being broke and heavily reliant of those around you. Celia has done a masterful job of making sure we don't get thrown out of our apartment, and my Mother has been selflessly giving me money that she doesn't have, to pay bills that she doesn't owe. It really makes me appreciate the sacrifices people make so their son or husband doesn't hang himself in the bathroom by the elastic in his boxers. A huge thank you is in order.

Of course, these aren't the only things that keep me from an early grave. To ward off insanity, I do lots of things around the house. I look at our new blender in the kitchen, and imagine when we'll have something to blend in it. Just for kicks this morning, I pureed my breakfast, (which consisted of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a bowl of "Life" cereal), and poured it into a tumbler. This turned out to be not so good of an idea. Next time I'll set it to "liquefy", so I can drink it with a straw.

I also watch "Cops". I try to take in at least 2 hours of "Cops" a day, and here's why. No matter how bad of a day your having, the people on "Cops" constantly are having a worse one. Sure, your kid got sent home from school early because he took a swing at a janitor. Sure, your husband (or wife) doesn't even have the common courtesy to take the syringe out of his arm before he beats the crap out of you. Big deal. People on "Cops" are the bottom of the genetic barrel. Indeed, we've all had things thrown at us by our spouses, but at least it wasn't televised and replayed for 15 years.

Imagine that. You and your loved one are getting along well, happily married again for the 3rd time, the kids are all moved out, and your just about to settle in for a nice night in front of the television. That's when you happen to catch the last few minutes of a "Cops" episode from 1991, when you 2 were both arrested for taking your knife fight into the streets. How do you casually turn the channel? You've got to say something, right?

(CLICK)
"Hey honey, they're showing us fightin' with the knives again."
"Yup."
"Got a little out of hand, didn't it?"
"Sure did."
"Things are better now, though."
"Sure are."
"I love you."
"I love you, too. Let's watch Leno."
(CLICK)

Consider yourself lucky. But getting back to my point, I also watch "Cops" so I don't end up like that. I always take notes on each episode, and change my life accordingly. Basically, if you keep a handle on the liquor, and try really hard not to knock your wife out, you'll be fine.

Something else I need to do is exercise. With spring turning into summer, I really should get out more often. I'm gaining weight, have trouble with most stairs, and I'm a spoonfull of mayo away from a full-blown heart attack. It'll be a sad day when my pacemaker keeps me from microwaves when I'm 23 years old. I think I feel great, but I usually lie to myself.



"Outta' shape, you say? Well, let me tell ya' something right now. The Macho Man is tellin' you to get up offa' your can, and meet me in the ring this July, at SUMMERSLAM! Ooooooh, yeeeeeaaaaaah!"

You know what, Randy Savage? You're right! Thank you! That was just the motivation I needed. I'm going to get off this computer, and take control of my well-being!

"Ooooh yeeeaahhh! By the way, do you have 20 bucks that the Macho Man can borrow? He's a little low on funds right now. Ooooh nooooo!"

Get the hell out of my house, Randy.

Tuesday, April 13

"Girl-Dude."


I hope everyone had a great Easter weekend. I sure did. I got to see most of my family, and meet new friendly faces. I had a job interview today, but we'll talk about that more once I find out how I did.

Check out what Celia unearthed from the depths of the Internet! It's a newspaper article from about 2 years ago when me and Benajmin auditioned for "The Weakest Link" in Green Bay. I remember being interviewed, but forgot I'd be in the paper. Enjoy!

July 15, 2002

Area hopefuls look to join ‘Weakest Link’

Game show seeks unusual people:
By: Sarah Wessolowski

Kaighte Orshak, James Strassburger and Ryan Olson have one common link among them: none of them left the room when they found out they would have to introduce themselves in front of more than 100 people.

That’s because they were auditioning for the syndicated game show “The Weakest Link,” Sunday at the Radisson Hotel and Convention Center in Ashwaubenon.

In January the Radisson hosted the event which turned out more than 250 people.

People at the audition ranged in age from 18 to 72 and came from as far away as Duluth, Minn. Occupations included two stay-at-home dads, an auctioneer, a criminal defense attorney, several self-proclaiming musicians, a boiler operator, a hot tub salesman and a part-time black jack dealer.

On this particular day some people came out because they were called back from the January session, some came to show off their useless fact library.

Others had their own reasons.

“I’m always looking for a unique opportunity,” Kaighte Orshak said.

Orshak is in jewelry sales but also designs tattoo art and recently chopped off four feet of hair.

Considering the show’s producers are looking for people with unusual qualities or professions, it’s no wonder she made it to the second round of screening.

After taking a short quiz, part of the application process, the names of 20 people were called for a second audition. The remaining 81 people were asked to leave the room.

Potential contestants were then strictly and specifically instructed on how to state their name, age, where they live and what they do for a living when the video camera is turned on. After a quick overview of the show’s rules, they played a mock game.

“We want to see how you play the game,” contestant coordinator Larry Frank said. “Producers are looking for bluffers.”

Frank and Segal explained that the way to advance is by bluffing if you’re stumped on an answer.

Segal made an example of bluffing during the final screening process by making Wendy Bruns ask him what two plus two equals. She did and he quickly and confidently blurted out the answer, 97. He said that was a good bluff because it was a quick answer. He also said that if he had contemplated for too long, he’d be considered the weakest link and voted off the show.

Benjamin Jenkel, 22, played the slot machines at Oneida Bingo & Casino while he waited for his friend, Ryan Olson, 20, who made it to the second round of the show’s screening. Olson was at the January casting call and said he was called back for Sunday’s screening.

“He made it and I’m stuck out here,” Jenkel said.

When asked what he would do with the money if he became a contestant and won, Olson said he’d help Jenkel out.

“I love game shows. I watch ‘The Weakest Link’ daily,” he said.

Olson, Orshak and the other second-rounders will be notified of their contestant status by phone in two days or two months — no specified time was given.

“I waited six months to get invited back, I’ll wait now,” Olson said.

(EDIT: I know that the comments aren't working for this post. Until I figure out just why the hell it picks and chooses like that, post comments for this post in the "Celebrity Fan Mail" post. You go now!)

(EDIT AGAIN: If you go to Yahoo, and punch in "Benjamin Jenkel", this article is the only thing that comes up. Meanwhile, there's a disturbing amount of Ryan Olson's egotistical enough to maintain weblogs. Losers.)