Friday, May 7

Da' System...Is Down.

I removed the images from the main page, because people have been complaining that they are not showing up, thus making my Blog look unsightly. This is odd considering that I have no problem making it work on my computer. Nevertheless, the posts will have to be image-free for a while, while I find out what's wrong. I didn't remove the images from the archives, so if you want to check out the old stuff, you're just going to have to put up with it. Cheers!

Mr. Fancy Stamps.

I'm no stranger to people thinking I'm gay. Ever since I was young, people would always speculate as to if I was practicing an alternative lifestyle. Admittedly, having a bona fide homosexual as your best friend was no saving grace. The general public just assumed that we were lovers. No amount of flirting or games of flag football seemed to change this stereotype. I like lots of "guy things", such as sports, explosions and Asian women; But I also like lots of "girl things" too, like listening, honesty and common sense. Apparently, that was the final straw for most, and I was branded a fruit. This has never bothered me, because now I'm all poised to marry the most beautiful woman in the world, who throws more lovin' at me than I could ever handle. I'm a lucky guy.

But as of recent times, the gay assumption has gone away, despite my skyrocketing femininity. I'm way more queer now than I ever used to be. You can see it in the way I dress, the things I like to talk about, my extensive macrame' collection. My "metrosexuality" is at critical mass, but now nobody seems to care, as it's becoming the male norm. For years, women have always said they prefer a funny and caring man over a rugged and handsome one, and now that seems to be sweeping the nation. Of course, I still know that most women are completely full of shit. I just try to stick with what works for me.

Which leads me to last week. I was in the Post Office, informing them of my change of last name. My clerk was a muscular, rugged and handsome man named "Jurgen". I told him that I was changing my last name, and all mail under "Zeinert" should be forwarded to me from now on. He paused for a bit, eyed me up and down, and decided that he knew why I was changing my name.

"Are you getting married?" He asked me.

"Um, yeah I am. But that's not why-", I tried to explain.

"No, no, that's fine! Lots' of guys do that!" He said, reassuringly. I tried a few more times to explain what was going on, but Jurgen had me all figured out. He thought one of two things:

1. I was changing my last name to Celia's last name, because I'm a weak, sad man marrying a domineering woman.

OR

2. I was about to marry a man.

I know this seems like I'm reading into things too much, but I can assure you that Jurgen thought I was gay. Now, there's a number of ironies for a man who's named after a lucrative hand lotion company to think that I'M the one who is about to buy a plane ticket to San Francisco. I could have been snippy with him, but it would have only proved his point more, and he was large enough to stuff me into a legal size envelope. I decided to leave quietly.

"So what?" You're thinking right now. "He's probably forgotten all about you!" You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? Is it humanly possible to forget about someone who you think is gay? Every time you see someone you think is gay, the first thing that pops into your head is, "He's gay!".

So, flash ahead to today. I stopped in to buy a book of stamps. Once again, Jurgen looks at me for a bit, and asks me what I need.

"Book of stamps, please." I said in my deepest voice.

"Okay. Would you like the American flag stamps, or..."

Jurgen paused, and looked right at me.

"...Would you like some fancy stamps?"

I became wide-eyed as he began showcasing various colorful stamps commemorating Dr. Seuss, Andy Warhol, candy hearts and breast cancer.

"Um....Just the flags, please." I got my stamps and left briskly. Does Jurgen think I'm gay? Or did he honestly think a straight 22 year old male would give more than a poop about what he has to place on the upper right hand corner of his outgoing mail?

I needed some advice, so I called up my good friend, Jerry Falwell.

He said to me, "Faggots will burn in eternal hellfire. God hates them, and so should you."

I said back to him, "Jerry, is that the way you always answer a phone?"

Wednesday, May 5

PHASE II

This is the last time I will mention the upcoming movie shoot on this page. I'm BEGGING you to head over to the "72 Hours" page, and find out what kind of progress we are making with this thing. It will be updated just as much as this page, if not more, with every little detail in the process. If you have any comments about it, want to help out, or just want to see the script, leave comments here or e-mail me at CTAKX@YAHOO.COM. I also put the new link on the right over there. Thank you for your support!

Tuesday, May 4

One Dollar, Bob.

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but-

I better stop right there. If I keep up the Jim Anchower bit, The Onion can legally sue me for millions.

I've noticed a disturbing trend as of recent with this page. Back when I had nothing to do, when I was blindly accepting unemployment and agoraphobia, this page was a lot funnier and more interesting. I always promised myself that if I were to start a weblog, that I'd keep it void of petty day-to-day details and pointless opinion. I'd keep up the satire, and it would rise above the usual online drivel. I have recently fallen short, and the Communist Dance Party has become nothing more than an online diary that nobody wanted to read. I'm sorry.

There's many contributing factors as to why this has happened. First off, I have things to do now. Sure, it was easy to think of things to write when the only decision I had to make in the day was when I was going to eat. I'm on the move now! I'm a hair away from finishing my first screenplay, as well as shooting my first movie, I'm failing job interviews left and right, and I've got a wedding that's a lot closer than I think it is.

But, I'm no longer going to tell you about those things, because you don't care. I'm just going to stick to the poop jokes and gratuitous nudity. And as a reward for your loyalty, and your promise to return to the Communist Dance Party, here's a topless picture of me!



Show your friends, cause I'm not going to do this again! Right now I'm listening to "Letting Off The Happiness" by Bright Eyes, and I'm watching The Price Is Right. Me and Ben are going to start pre-production on the movie next week, I think, but I won't bother you with details of it here. I've decided that I will create a different weblog just devoted to the shooting of my movie. There, you'll find all the little details about everything that goes into making a no-budget mockumentary, from beginning to end. I'll give you the link to that once it gets going.

I've got a showcase to bid on.

Monday, May 3

Albino Rhino.

Last week was fun and busy, but I'm glad it's over.

First, the business. We sent out all the wedding dinner invitations, I took care of all my out-of-house errands, and I changed my name. We also got all the RSVP's back for the actual wedding except for Cassie + Dustin. They had over 4 months to get back to us, so in my opinion, they have no excuse. Celia insists we give them more time, and I want to give up their room to someone else. Of course we will wait, but I'm pissed, and I hope they know it. Celia bent over backwards to do her part for Cassie's wedding, and all we needed from them was a 10 second phone call, and they fell through. Not only that, but Cassie had the nerve to take an attitude with Celia. That's bullshit, and I'm furious about it. But enough commentary for now.

We went to the zoo this weekend! Me, Celia, Ben and Sherry spent a beautiful Sunday afternoon at the Henry Vilas Zoo, here in Madison.

I could show you all the nice pictures, but I'm sure you know what a Zebu looks like, and nothing there was as great as Tinker is. But I will show you a picture of Ben and Sherry measuring up to the primate family.

My script will hopefully be finished by the end of the week, and I have more job interviews on Thursday and Friday. Don't forget to stop by Celia's blog, because it's been completely revamped. Say hello, and cheer her up at work.