Where are you going to be Wednesday night, hmm? Back-to-school shopping? Catching up on your housekeeping? Drinking an entire box of wine by yourself? Well, have fun.

But I'll be rocking out old school with Reel Big Fish, Catch-22 and the RX Bandits in Oshkosh. The show starts at 5, and it's 5 bucks. Come on! Dust off your comfortable skanking shoes and those sunglasses with the checkerboard pattern on them. Stop by and share a dance with me; I'll buy you a drink.

Who knows? This might finally be the night I beat the crap out of a jock who likes to push women around. Or at least stab 'em in the kidney. Probably the latter.

First off, I apologize.

I apologize to anyone I'm about to offend, or even to the person I'm about to mercilessly make fun of. As it turns out, I AM shallow enough to use even a troubled young lady as an example to why I can't sleep at night. I have plenty of other wonderful things planned for this page in the upcoming weeks, but I came across something so mind-numbingly stupid today I had to share it with you.

But first, a grammar/history lesson.

Kids today can communicate with everyone they know via the interweb. A girl can sit in New Jersey, going on about how much they want to meet you, while you can sit in Wisconsin and lie through your rotten teeth about going to visit her. It's a miracle, really. Granted, it's just like the telephone, but you can't make emoticons on the telephone. You could, but they wouldn't pan out as well as in text form. Permit me to demonstrate:

Caller #1 - "Guess what! Eyes wide open!"
Caller #2 - "What? Mouth agape?"
Caller #1 - "I asked out the captain of the rugby team! Blushing!"
Caller #2 - "Waving tiny American flags!"

Proof positive that "chatting" can take you to a place far deeper in the human heart than a phone ever could. Here's the point. "Netspeak" is a language in itself. It contains phrases, words, symbols and even letters that will never appear in a dictionary or English class. Every day I find myself worrying about if these kids write like this at school for assignments, or if they can even handle a pencil at all. When you type all day onto a screen that doesn't tell you what's coherent and what's not, you forget that you have absolutely no business writing in the first place.

Which leads me to my example.

Every now and again I head on over to Teaonnie's page to check up on her. It's always nice to see what she's up to, and it's great to know she no longer lives with her parents and is out on her own. Her posts are for the most part well written and entertaining. You can tell she gives her writings a good once over before publishing them for all the world to see. However, someone posted her a comment today that vaguely resembled words and letters in a basic sense, but that was about it. So I went to this young lady's page (who goes by the name "xoxojerijanxoxo"), and gave her writings a look-see.

What follows is more proof why the internet should be federally regulated. It is not edited by me in any way.

" hey guys i changed my site from moody black to cheery converse thing. i just fell in love with converse cuzz u know i just got some for the first time. haha today ws funny cuz i picked a fight with janna has a chin. cuzz me and kristina and erin were doin something and yea and janna goes and tells someone bout this and i go ok janna i dont think we go and tell pipol that cuzz what we were doin was mostlikey gonna get us in trouble. and so i talked to her sayin wtf are u doin tell her this and all this shit and i start to notice that shes insultin me like sayin oh u always callin me a bitter and ur the one bitting me with the phrases and such soo me and kristina go,"oh hell naw this bitch did not just say that." soo we started lffin right. and yea. at one point i get too pissed and kristinas holdin me back tellin me to let it go and i really was mad. soo i just said ok whatever i really dont feel like fightin and yea. i ask are we friends again we she apologizes and we friends again. TIP: janna did u learn ur lesson today? u dont mess with pipol that can kick ur ass! u could get hurt but ill have ur back. but u dont mess with bloods, huh kristina? haha"

Let it sink in, my friends. It gets no more stereotypical than this. Upon reading this, I went through rapid stages of behavior much like those in coping with the death of a loved one. Almost instantly, I denied it. I thought if I didn't look at it, it would cease to exist in front of me. No more than 2 seconds later, I fell right into anger. I got so furious looking at it over and over again, that my right ear started to ooze a thick brown fluid. Luckily for me, before I knew it I was in stage 3, bargaining. I was offering promises of sainthood and good deeds to my monitor if it would, in return, make it go away. I had to do everything I could to undo what I had seen. Soon thereafter, I slipped into a deep depression. I knew that future generations were doomed, and there would never be a good book written after 2010. The fluid started to pour again. I'm still waiting for the 5th stage, acceptance, to arrive. Until then, I have my fingers on the keys, and a Kleenex wedged in my ear.

I know what you're thinking. "Ryan, there's obviously a good explanation for this...right?" Well, I weighed out all the possibilities, which I will share for you now. I wouldn't mock anyone that didn't deserve it, so I gave her a fair chance.

Explanation #1 - She's retarded.
Answer - Apparently not. She had the common sense to create a basic web page, as well as maintain it. From what I could read, she attends a public school and is allowed to fraternize with the general public. Differently abled kids are always stuffed away in a private room.

Explanation #2 - She's very young. Perhaps 2 or 3.
Answer - Again, from what I can gather, this girl is at least in Middle School. By this point, you should at least know that you need a period or 2 if your sentence goes longer than 49 words.

Explanation #3 - She cannot speak english.
Answer - Although I haven't fully found her location of origin, I'm almost positive she's native of this country. Her web page is constantly breaking down and is impossible to navigate, so you're just going to have to trust me on this one. (EDIT: I think she has Spanish or Mexican ties, simply due to her name and picture. This, however, is simply no excuse.)

Look, I don't hate her, she's just an example. I'm showing you that there's BILLIONS of things like this happening every day online. (Apart from that, I'd really consider having someone looking into her gang ties and constant schoolyard violence. I read 2 posts, and they both had to do with fights. I don't want Chuck Taylors being associated with either the Bloods or the Crips.)

People, please read a book. Hell, read the dictionary. Our ability to communicate in a clear and coherent manner is what evolves us into creatures able to accomplish lots of amazing things in life. To think that kids are using things like "IMHO" in a book report make me want to hang their parents from the highest branch. I could go on, but I think you understand the point I'm trying to make here.

Technology is no excuse for stupidity.

(PS - If you find the hidden spelling error in this post, I'll send you a FREE Communist Dance Party T-Shirt!)
 
(Communist Dance Party logo not included.)

I've just got something fun for you today. I've noticed that every now and then, people actually visit my page who do not know me, and haven't been instructed by me to do so. These people stumble across my page just like they would stumble across any other page on the Interweb.

So I decided to do some digging, and figure out just what the hell it was they were searching for when they fell into my soft, tiny hands. The results may shock and confuse you.

Here's a small sampling of things people have punched into search engines. Worse still, my page was listed there waiting for them. Worst of all, they ended up clicking on MY link.

RAVE PARTY MOVIES CLIPS
Posters for dinner and dance party
Communist hat
Communist food
Duff Man clips
Tom Landry hat
Coastal Drag
Sinneslochen
Polybius Legend
New Wave Jacket lyrics
Communist dead
I'll mess with Texas

Some of them I can understand. The "I'll mess with Texas" thing tends to bring a lot of people to my page. I give my posts weird names, and when you punch them into Google, I show right up. I find it very endearing that I'm the #1 search term for "I'll mess with Texas". If you punch in most of my post titles, chances are my page will always be first on the list. The Polybius and Sinneslochen things are part of an awesome arcade legend I suggest you look into further. There's a lot of material on it, but I spelled "SinnesloSchen" incorrectly the first time. Therefore, any dumbass that spells it like me will end up here. They deserve it.

But communist dead? Communist food? Communist hat? Seriously? Some guy sitting in his parents basement at night wondering what members of the Communist Party eat, and what they use to keep their heads warm when they're dead. (It's vegetarian tacos and a Red Sox cap, respectively.)

And the raver thing is great too. Everyone knows how much I adore the rave culture. I bet this guy was happy as a Christmas clam when he saw how much of my page I had devoted to just what he was looking for. Glow sticks at bargain basement prices, pictures of ballrooms squished to the rafters with skeletal ninnies and pacifiers. If I wanted to have a dry-hump fest with a hundred filthy people I didn't want to talk to, I would come back to Winneconne for the street dance more often.

(Apart from all the cool pages I've nestled myself next to on Google, I've become aware that I'm also next to a lot of hate pages and the like. Careful clicking, ya racist. I also had a ton of hilarious raver pictures to show you, but you should really be searching for that yourself.)

I hope you have one of those new computers with speakers, because I'm going to lose my audiopost virginity tomorrow. Come back to check out the deflowering.

Enough politics. I know a lot of people have been up in arms recently about what's best for our country, and I'm indeed guilty of that. But it's time to step back and relax. Let me ease your pain by showing you a picture of me with Gabriel.



Doesn't that make you feel better? I figured it would. I suggest you print it out and stick it to the inside of your locker or notebook, provided you're in High or Middle school. If you don't have a locker, I would also recommend making a poster out of it and scotch-taping it to the ceiling above your bed. The next time you feel as if the weight of the world is going to crush your shoulders, just look at me and let your mind drift off to better things.

Stop thinking baby, Ryan's here for you now.

(Editors Note: Ryan called in sick to work today complaining of "food poisoning", which may or may not be true. We are not responsible for anything he says for the rest of the week.- CDP)

"I've been hanging out with the wrong crowd."

"It's not a matter of whether the war is not real, or if it is. Victory is not possible. The war is not meant to be won, it is meant to be continuous. Hierarchical society is only possible on the basis of poverty and ignorance. This new version is the past and no different past can ever have existed. In principle the war effort is always planned to keep society on the brink of starvation. The war is waged by the grueling group against its own subjects and its object is not the victory over either Eurasia or East Asia, but to keep the very structure of society intact."

And with that, I promise to never talk about Fahrenheit 9/11 again.

Tell me what you think in the comments section. We'll talk about it together, real friendly like.