Sunday, February 6

Who's Going To Be The Odd Man Out?

When I was a kid, back in '85-'86, I was sort of pale and thin. But I obviously knew how to throw a deck party!

Bring your Styx records, Frampton 8-tracks and a case of Blatz, because this was one 4-year old that could rock until the sun came up. I walked around looking like that for years, honest to God, years. You'd think someone would have eventually scooped me up and put me on a talk show, or at least had me do some extra work on Holocaust films. The best part was my hair, as I looked like a young Ted Koppel. Still, I was certain the ladies would flock to me. Huge hair full of aerosol spray, spandex, leather jackets and dangly earrings. Yeah, I really miss the 80's.

I'm also a liar, and this picture is the only proof in my mind that the early 80's even existed.

Nowadays...Well, I'm still pale and thin.

(Artist's Rendition)

But now I have the common courtesy to wear a decent pair of pants every now and then. If you're ever around when I have to strip down for any reason, you'd notice that I basically look exactly like I did back then. It's troublesome and sad, and I'd rather you not bring it up to anyone.

So, what the hell am I getting at here? Nothing, really. I just really wanted to show everyone that picture of me. I used to hang around a group of friends that thought it was really funny to get naked for no reason. I never fully understood why a group of straight men would even consider such an activity, but I stayed quiet. For a brief period in the late 90's, teenage male exhibitionism was all the rage. The fire stoked by Blink-182's "What's My Age Again?" video, kids everywhere were running down sidewalks naked while their friends laughed their asses off. They would then pick up their clothing and drive off, leaving their friend for the cops to handle. I never participated (and none of my friends were ever arrested), but I must admit it left me with some humorous, non-gay memories.

I did have a gay best friend for most of Elementary and Middle school, but those stories alone could fill a book. That's a different post for a different time. Remind me to talk about that some day, will you?

While I'm comfortable enough with my own body in front of my wife, it's around others where I start to get jittery. Luckily for me, once you're married you usually don't find yourself showing your scantily-clad body off to loved ones and co-workers. I mean, you totally can, it's just generally frowned upon, depending on your friends. 98% of the people that I now hang out with are women, and they aren't really as into the exhibitionism thing as my old male friends were.

That's roughly the equivalent of winning 10 cents in the lottery. But in the grand scheme of things, pants always beats no pants. Let's move on.

Since we're on the subject of friends of my wife, I have to commend them all for something that's been going on for about 15 years. You see, every group of friends has a bully. Someone who pushes everyone around and treats them like rubbish, and everyone is always too nice or too intimidated to do something about it. Well, they finally did something about it last week, and I praise them for their efforts. Keep fighting the good fight, and don't stop until you get what you rightfully deserve. I used to put up with girls like that in High School, and it sickens me to see them invading my life now that I'm older. All I can say is that you're doing the right thing.

Speaking of doing the right thing, I'm starting to get a little annoyed with my job. I don't like to get caught in creative quicksand, especially when it comes to employment, and it's happening to me as we speak. I'm getting paid a certain amount of money to do a certain amount of things, you see. However, the amount and importance of things that I do far exceeds my current classification. Result? I'm getting screwed, and I feel the need to get a bit greedy about it. I feel I'm capable of much more in my field, and I'm going to look around until I get that chance. I love where I work, and I hope I can stay there as long as I'm happy, but I will not hesitate to leave should something better come along. It's nothing that anyone else wouldn't do.

Unlike most people who have lost the will to live, I don't look at my job as a privilege. I look at my job as something I should enjoy and feel respected in. Maybe it's a mix of my age and attitude in a work field that's so dominated by middle-aged folks, but I honestly don't care what anyone around me thinks when I step into my office in the morning. That may sound like I'm an ass and I'm difficult to get along with at work, but it's not true. In fact, I'm the cheeriest bastard in my office every single day. I have no idea why, either. My attitude is top notch, even as middle management finds yet another way to slip another task under my belt. I'm one of the fastest workers you'll ever find, and I honestly think that no one employee can take my place right now. Some days I do the work of 4 people, yet I couldn't be lower on the pyramid. This rant is officially over. As a final disclaimer, I'll have you know that I love and respect my job and supervisors, and am planning a long and satisfying career working for the State of Wisconsin.

(That rant was brought to you by Post your resume online and find the job of your dreams at, where you're the Monster!)

Who wants ice cream?

Hey, what a Superbowl! Both teams played like crap, but I'm glad the Patriots pulled it out. I wanted so badly to have Terrell Owens make an ass of himself out there, but he lost the big game, and that's all that matters to me. The commercials were a complete non-event, and the whole tribute to America was nothing more than redneck pandering. I'm glad the Simpsons completely trashed the whole spectacle, because it made the night come full circle. "American priorities are a joke!".

3 more things, then I'm going to bed:

1. The CDP turns 1 on Saturday. Make sure you keep visiting, because there's some things on the way you should enjoy. (Do I sense an all-nude pay site just around the corner?)

2. The day we start dropping bombs on Iran, I'm cutting off my thumbs to avoid the draft. Sure, I'll never be able to play the drums again or hold my unit straight when I'm taking a whiz, but at least I'll be able to walk around Canada with some sense of pride.

3. I sense an all-nude pay site just around the corner.

I DID actually go there!!!!
Even though you are cute in that picture, I can still see that NAUGHTY streak in you. I think those were a version of swim trucks or something that we tried to pass off as swim trunks since you are terrified of the water. And yes, I too knew/know girls like that; not only when I was in high school but when you and your sister were in high school. What goes around comes around just not soon enough for some!
I want ice cream.

The best use of male nakedness I know of was called the Nauman Knocker named after a guy at my college, though I don't know for sure if the idea originated with him. The basics of it was that in the middle of the night you'd go to the door of someone's dorm room, do a hand stand with your feet resting on either side of the door, legs spread across the doorway. An accomplice knocks on the door and when the victim opens the door all tired and bleary-eyed, his picture is taken by the accomplice. I guess they trusted that a person in that sleepy state wouldn't consider racking soon enough to turn the tables on the pranksters.

You'd be surprised how quickly an employer will change their tune if they think you're going to quit. The trick is, you have to be actually willing to quit. Quitting is such a wonderful feeling. Sometimes I take jobs just to quit them.

I didn't watch the superbowl, but it's good to know that the one sports team was able to defeat it's opponent in the match. I tivo'd Simpsons and I think I'll be watching that on my lunch break.

Happy 1 year. If I had your address I'd send you a card with a dollar in it.
There's big things planned at that new page. HUGE things.

True, I couldn't swim, still can't. I could rock a pair of trunks, though.

The "Nauman Knocker" is the funniest thing I've heard all day. It contains the quiet dignity that's so lacking in "tea bagging".

Trust me, I'm willing to quit. I'm nowhere near financially stable enough to do so, but there's situations where rational thought can't come into play. I think quitting my job would be the most wonderful non-sexual feeling I've ever experienced.

This page has certainly taken a turn for the blue, hasn't it?

The Simpsons last night was one-half worst episode ever, and one-half their best satire ever.
With the exception of "Behind the Laughter" and the "Sherry Bobbins" episode, I would say it's the worst ever.
No doubt about it, there were some terrible moments in that episode. Truly awful stuff, like the revealing of Comic Book Guy's name and Homer at his most annoying.

There was also some of the most scathing jokes in any episode ever, though. I like that, so it averages out to about a grade C- episode.

God, do I miss MST3K.
I loved Behind the Laughter ... But yeah, they seem to hit or miss these last few seasons. Season 5 was the ultimate.

I went home to watch the episode I tivo'd, only to watch the last two minutes of the game which apparently took a half hour. I got nothin. Luckily, I'm well connected in the entertainment industry and I'll soon be sent a promo dvd of this episode. I just hate knowing there's an episode that I haven't seen yet.
See, I thought that "Behind the Laughter" was the most brilliant thing they've done in the last 10 years, but my wife thinks it's garbage. It was the love of the Simpsons that brought us together, and now it may tear us apart.

You have contacts in the Entertainment industry? May I ask what kind? (Even if you are just screwin' with me.)
Just one contact that works for an entertainment news show, and will occasionally pass along neato stuff.
And by "contact" I just mean "friend."
Cool. If I had a friend like that, I'd be bothering him non-stop.

I also have a friend in the "biz", and by "friend", I mean "TV".
Satire is the easiest type of comedy to write...especially if it's something as formulated as "Behind the Music."

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