Monday, March 21

Chinese Sky Candy.

(Note from Ryan: The following post is broken up into chapters. Try and keep up.)


From Friday afternoon to Sunday night, this was what I was doing.

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After 4 days and 48 basketball games, my bracket couldn't be any more shot to hell. So what, though? I'm still happy. Kentucky, Wisconsin and UW-Milwaukee have all survived the weekend. Duke also remains, keeping the possibility alive of a Regional Final rematch with Kentucky. I've been waiting 13 years for that. At work, my picks are hovering right around last place, which is where I usually end up by the end of the tournament.

Even the Missus has been consumed with March Insanity. She cheers along with me, and swears at the TV when our teams do something stupid. I've never loved her more. I'm going to have to buy her a tennis bracelet when this is all over, just to say thank you.


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After some careful thought and consideration, I've decided to bring Boycott Unity to a close. It's been fun, but I'm pulling it due to lack of public interest and it taking a lot longer to make than you might think. It's not over yet, though. The final 5 cartoons have yet to be published (making an even 50, for those keeping track), so look for them over the next couple weeks. What will happen to them? You'll have to head on over there to find out. Once the final cartoons are up, I will leave the page around for a week, then delete it from the Interweb forever. Please check them out while you still can.


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First off, I don't know if you've been checking out my sidebar lately, but I'm urging people to send me close-up pictures of their eye. Close-up eye pictures are a Blog staple (as well as an introspective, snooty attempt at serious photography), so hook me up, and I'll post the good ones.

Secondly, there was a question posted at work today about eyeballs in general. Suppose you were in an accident, in which your eye was popped out of the socket. Assuming that the nerves and whatnot were still attached, would you still be able to see out of it? Would you be able to turn it around, and look yourself right in the face? People were arguing as to if this was possible or not, so I decided to look into it.

To put it simply, you could still see out of it, but not very well. Not to mention, if your eye WERE popped out of the socket, you'd be too in shock to think of all the cool things you could to with it (look around corners, 2 directions at once, etc.). So, now you know. If you have any other questions like this that you want answered, ask me in the (oft broken) comments section. I'm here to help.


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I took on a stealth mission today at work over lunch. I wanted to head downtown to take a typing test, which would make me eligible for more higher paying jobs in the city. A week ago, I asked my supervisor if I could take a long lunch so I could pull this off, and she refused. I decided not to let this stop me, so I did everything I could to get there and back in the allotted 45 minutes (1:15-2:00). Keep in mind that there was no way I could get downtown, take the test and get back in any less than an hour, but I went anyways, thinking that I'd figure something out.

At 1:15, I ran out of the building and took off.

At 1:18, I ran a red light, and was instantly pulled over.

The cop was cool, told me to slow down, and sent me on my way. I found a parking spot right outside of the building, and made it to the office at 1:25.

I took a 45 minute test in 8 minutes. I typed 55 words per minute with no errors, and knocked out a grammar test. I ran to the elevator, ran down the street, and made it back to work with 5 minutes to spare. The perfect crime, I suppose. Let that be a lesson to the kids. Play by the rules, but still get what you want. Playing by the rules isn't usually necessary.

By the way, I will not stop growing my hair until I've captured the collective fashion statement that is the Gadjits.


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I have an idea that already exists. What?

I heard about this movie theater in New York City. It's just like any other theater. Same food, same movies, same seats and same capacity. The only difference between this theater and any other one is that the tickets cost twice as much. What?

Consider the following. Who would go to a theater that charged double for tickets?



Because it keeps the assholes out!

This is a genius idea. I go to maybe 2 movies a year because I hate the general public so much. If a theater like this were in Madison, I'd be there every week with well-behaved film lovers. No cell phones, no teenagers and no showing up late for movies. I'm going to invest, and it's going to work. Would YOU go? If one more fool sitting behind me starts talking to the screen, I'm going to start swinging. Last year I read a story about an off-duty cop who was in a theater next to a group of rude inbreds. He tased them, and got fired from the force. I thought it was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

Okay, we're done talking for tonight. I'll see you in a day or so. Keep an eye out for the Boycott Unity Final 5.

Is that your eye? It is a very cool picture. Good-Bye Boycott Unity. Sniff, Sniff. I read it, sometimes I don't get it but I read it.
A tennis bracelet? That would rule! I know you're lying though :(

I always read boycott unity. I would have read it even if you weren't my husband! That shit is funny and whack...
I can't afford a tennis bracelet, but I can get you a 3-pack of tennis balls, if you do so choose.

When you unseal a tin of tennis balls, and the oxygen rushes into the sealed container, it makes a very rewarding noise. It smells fantastic, too.
tennis braclet.. you could get her a pack of gummy braclets.. black and sparkly.. those would rock.. maybe some red ones or hot pink.. in elementary school we would put them in our mouths and pretend we had braces like teenagers.. then i got braces and cursed those days.. maybe they ARENT such a good idea.. maybe a ruby pinky ring??
Those gummy bracelets are making a big comeback, she'd really like those. I don't remember the girls in my school pretending that they were braces, but thanks to Oprah, they're banned in a few schools now anyways.

Send me a picture of your eye!
I had those gummy bracelets and I would never ever take them off...then I got fat and couldn't take them off even if I WANTED to. I eventually DID want to and ended up cutting them off with a scissors. This is what my life has come to...
I can't wear the stuff I wore when I was 15, so I don't think you're on your own with that struggle.

I like wearing that little t-shirt, though. It's really embarrassing looking.
The difference is, you'd be crazy if you wanted to look the way you did at 15 again.

My hubba is sexy NOW!
I ain't sexy.

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