Friday, March 11

The Search Is Over.

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"I was living for a dream, loving for a moment. Taking on the world, that was just my style. Now I look into your eyes, I can see forever. The search is over, you were with me all the while."

God bless you, Survivor. First, you inspired us with "Eye of the Tiger", then you made us cry with this masterful power ballad. I always swore that I would sing this song should I ever work up the nerve (or blood alcohol content) to do Karaoke. If not this tune, then certainly "Careless Whisper" by Wham(!).

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And with those 2 faded musical references from 1984, I've managed to alienate most of my audience, and permanently retard any musical credibility I once had. (Notice that I used the word "retard" as a verb, putting the accent on the second syllable. Don't send me any e-mail.)

This pointless bickering will get us nowhere.

I obviously didn't dedicate an entire post just to the band Survivor (although I'm not saying they don't deserve it). This is about search terms, or more specifically, the things that people search for to get here. I get to keep track of what people search for that winds them up at the CDP, and I've got to tell you, I wouldn't allow most of these people into my own home.

The Missus did a little experiment on her old page, and put up fake links strictly to lure filthy people. It worked. Some of the things that people were looking for when they ended up there were illegal, awful, and illegal. I'm not going to repeat them, but if you're not busy, head on over there, and take a peek. My terms were much less filthy, but strange nonetheless. I wanted to share some of them with you, and provide some of my insight along the way. Let's begin.

Search Term: "Funny stuff about Martin Van Buren"

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First, some background on Mr. Van Buren. He was our nation's 8th President, and was born and raised in Kinderhook, New York. I learned that from MST3K, and that's all I know about him. Why was this particular person looking for "funny stuff" about him? He doesn't look like a very funny guy, and I would bet that you're not going to find any watercolor paintings of him spinning plates or breakdancing. If you're looking for a witty world leader, look no further than Stalin. He could deliver a joke about airline food that would really make you think, you know?

Search Term: "Four feet of hair"

It's not so much the concept that worries me, it's the wording. This person isn't looking for someone who has a head of hair that measures four feet in length. This person words it as if they're looking to purchase. Which leads me to my next question: What are you going to do with four feet of hair? What would you do with four feet of hair? I'd french braid it for a really long time.

Search Term: "Scariest/Goriest movies ever"

A while back, I produced my very controversial list of the scariest movie moments of all time. In all actuality, the list was flawed and one-dimensional. I don't really want to talk about it, but it offers me no shortage of people stopping by to see what I have to say about it. In my own personal opinion, the scariest movie ever is "Fahrenheit 9/11", and the goriest movie ever is "The Snuff Film I Made Last Year In My Basement With That One Hitchhiker". Don't bother looking for that last one at your local Blockbuster.

Search Term: "Spirits leave pennies"

They do? Well, thank you for telling me! You're not really "searching" for anything, you're just looking around for people to verify what you already believe. Congrats.

Search Term: "Mythbusters gay"

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For the last time, the Mythbusters are not gay. They worked through a brief-but-bitter affair during the first season, but they're back on track now. Seriously, their show is great.

Search Term: "Polybius"

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Ahh, yes. The infamous Polybius legend. If you are a fan of urban legends or video game lore, I strongly suggest staying up late one night looking up stuff on this rare and experimental game. Did it exist? I'll never tell.

No. It never existed. It's a helluva story, though.

Search Term: "UWGB sex"

I have no idea what this is all about. The only person who I know that goes to UW-Green Bay is Sherry...wait a minute...

Search Term: "Wheelchair access options"

After several written complaints by handicapped visitors of the CDP, I've installed entrance ramps and extra-wide bathroom stalls with hand rails.

Search Term: "I'll mess with Texas"

I've been saying it from the start, and I still will. This is by far my most popular search term.

Search Term: "Cd collection"

I was confused by this term, because I didn't know what the person was searching for. Was he looking for my CD collection? Did he want to compare CD collections? In the spirit of fairness, I snapped a picture of my CD collection for public view.

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That is why I have to eat macaroni and cheese for lunch every single day.

Search Term: "Rave party clips"

Honestly, I have no rave party clips, mainly because I've never been to a rave. I never will attend a rave, either. If I wanted to swim in a smoke-filled sea of strangers and sweat, I'd throw a party and set my house on fire. Notice the alliteration.

Search Term: "Dry hump movies"

I'm actually going to take this idea and run with it. Expect to see it up on Ryan's Ween sometime soon. That damn page is getting a thousand hits a day.

Well, that's enough search terms for now. I have a reclusive weekend planned, as the snow continues to fall outside. The broken comments will be fixed ASAP, so don't stop talking on me.


By the way, when I said the word "retard", I meant that I put the accent on the second syllable, not the first.

That's what we call a "Freudian slip".
That's an impressive cd collection. Did you marry into that?
Some of them, but the majority are mine. Celia will tell you that hers are better, though.
That answers my question....i actually asked my roommate the other day if we are supposed to totally abolish the word retard from the english language or is there a time when it can be used without: a barrage of critisism, sighs, gasps, demands for apologies, strange looks, fingerpointing and whatever else may have happened to any of you who may have been caught in a situation where you've used the word 'retard' This is american language pussification at its finest. See George Carlin 'Doin It Again' for a whole scroll of examples like this one. The evoulution of 'Shell Shock' into Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is my personal favorite. It really is incredibly ridiculous. You thought the word 'Candyman' was bad, try 'Retard' in the mirror 5 timeswith the lights off.
This goes directly back to what happened to me last weekend.

When people meet me for the first time, they either feel an instant bond to me, or they get really uncomfortable and offended. This is because I try not to change who I am just because different people come along. I mean, you have to alter your personality depending on who you're talking to, but I really don't like to pretend I'm someone I'm not. So eventually, I'll say something that will piss someone off, and I'll inadvertantly ruin the evening.

Personally, I don't feel it necessary to remove "retard" from the dictionary just because a few people have a problem with it.

Keep in mind that they used to call "differently abled" people "dumb".
At the risk of sounding like a pussifier... The real dumbing down of the English language is when people insist on using words that describe a disability in a derogatory way to insult someone who doesn't have that disability, and then those words take on entirely different connotations. i.e. "Dumb" used to mean "mute." So, yes, if you use the word "retard" as an insult, then you'd be pretty dumb (heh heh) to expect noone to be offended, especially someone with a brother/sister/friend that is actually retarded. If you use it in it's proper context and someone is offended, then they're the idiot.
You're absolutely right.

However, I think the real issue here is the collective sensitivity to political correctness. Some people want to take away an individual's right to put their foot squarely in one's mouth. Everyone deserves that right, and everyone else deserves the right to voice their offense.

Example: Television. The FCC went completely insane over the last year. They combed through every word, phrase and comment, fining networks left and right. Meanwhile, the violence and sexual content skyrockets out of control, with little to no complaints.

What's more important here? Freedom of speech (which is legal), or graphic violence (which is very much not legal)?

Sorry about the "dumb" thing, and thanks for correcting me. I don't want to get into a big political discussion here, but I think we can all agree that our nation isn't all that great at prioritizing.
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