Friday, April 15

A Dozen Bad Stories.

(Each topic is in bold. Wash hands when finished.)

Writing Job: Book review will be published next week. Working on two album reviews due next Friday. Resume for full-time job handed in on Friday. Possible interview with Cake(!) this weekend. More info on that as it happens.

Real Job: Receptionist returns at end of month. I can then get back to whatever the hell it is that I do.

5 Mile Run: Ran 1.5 miles yesterday. In pain. Never going to make it, but trying anyways. Officially registering this weekend. IPod works like a charm. Drinking plenty of fluids.

Health: Spent Tuesday in hospital. Blinding pain in abdomen. Feared appendicitis. Blood was drawn, white cells were counted, nothing was found. Sent home. Recovering nicely.

Hair: Hasn't been cut since sometime last year. Reaching granola-esque lengths.

Marriage: Fan-tastic! Neither of us has wielded a knife in days.

Cash Flow: Splurged and bought 12 CD's in last 2.5 months, most of which are quite good. Broke and hungry.

Weez: Moving on, I heard the new Weezer single, "Beverly Hills" for the 20th time tonight, and I don't actually think it's that bad of a song. Quite frankly, they could've sang about clubbing a Harp Seal and I'd still buy "Make Believe" when it comes out on May 10. In one of the first lines of the song, Rivers says "My automobile is a piece of crap." Now, I know that's not true, but it makes me laugh out loud every time I hear him say it. I think it partly reminds me of High School, where I would publicly berate my giant car in front of all the fly honeys that would climb into the back of it after class ("Fly honeys" refering to my future wife & her friends). My automobile was a piece of crap, but it's the coolest thing I've ever owned.

Pain: As I said up top, I had to spend Tuesday in the Doctor's office, due to serious problems with my abdomen. Things are better now, but when it hit I swore I was having some sort of intestinal heart attack. I drove myself to the Doctor while doubled over, and when they sent me home they didn't know what was wrong with me. In the end, there was nothing wrong with my appendix, but I need to keep a close eye on it. Therefore, every 9 seconds I glance down at my lower right side, which is the approximate location of the 'dix. No jokes, please.

Essay: In my last post, I showed you a sample essay I wrote specifically for the folks at Isthmus. I still want you to comment on it there. If you think it sucks and I need to quit this writing fantasy, say so. If you like my quick wit and self-depreciation, I love you. I honestly love you.

Save Me: A few days ago at work, we were having a big board meeting to discuss if a Pharmacist could get into trouble for refusing to fill a birth-control perscription, citing ethical and religious reasons. This always manages to bring out all sorts of people, most of which want to talk to me. This older man came up to me clutching a Bible, asking me if I had any jumper cables. Apparently, he left his lights on, and his battery was dead. As I was making some calls to get someone to help him, we had this brief exchange of banter:

Old guy with Bible: "You go to church, young man?"
Me (lying): "Every now and again."
OGWB: "Do you want to see what the good Lord has done for me?"
Me: "Well...I'm kind of working right now."

In my head, I was thinking to myself, "Well, He already killed your car battery, so maybe you shouldn't press your luck with the Big Man." Instead, I smiled and stood my ground. Getting preached to is one thing, getting preached to at work is quite another. He pulled out a pamphlet, and thrust it upon me.

OGWB: "Why don't you take a look at this, I-"
Me: "I'm working right now, maybe I'll read it over lunch, okay?"

This did the trick, and he left me alone. I hope someone jumped his car for him. It reminded me very much of a situation that occured in Upper Michigan a few years ago. I don't know what it is about me that looks like I need to be saved, but the next person that tells me I need direction is going to be gutted with a broken whiskey bottle. I live a life that's more sin-free than just about everyone I know, which is crazy because I knew the Pope.

"Sak"-Punk: Hey, check out what me & the kids were doing 4 years ago this weekend!

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Do you ever listen to Pedro the Lion? You'd like the song Foregone Conclusions on Achilles Heel. You'd like it. "But you were too busy steering the conversation towards the Lord, to hear the voice of the Spirit begging you to shut the f*** up." I'm a Christian and not afraid to talk about my faith openly, but the high pressure door-to-door salesman technique is annoying and does more harm than good for anyone involved.

Brian Regan has a good standup bit on his new dvd, about stomach pain and emergency rooms. I watched it just ten minutes before I read this post.

Good luck with Cake, that'd be sweet. I didn't intend that to be a joke at first, and now I'm sort of ashamed of it.
I completely agree with you on the "door-to-door" method of spiritual conversion. There's something very guilt-driven and hypocritical about it. Everyone has their faith (including me), and pushing someone into doing something really isn't the way to go. A religious conversation is one thing, passing out pamphlets in a State Office is something else.

I'll check out Pedro the Lion. I can't believe I haven't yet. I'll keep everyone posted about the Cake interview. I love those guys.

Brian Regan is one of my favorite comics. His Comedy Central special is hilarious. I like his bit about pop-tarts.
You should have tried to witness to the time-share salesman guy.

PTL's Achilles Heel is really great. It has the best song about a guy getting his legs cut off by a train that I've ever heard.

That was dumb, I just realized I wrote "You'd like..." twice in my first comment. That was dumb.

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