Friday, April 29

You're Creepy.

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I wore my emo-rimmed glasses to work yesterday. I sometimes do that when I'm trying to look studious and hip (instead of the usual, unshaven and disoriented). I know what you're thinking. "What work activity could possibly cause you to get up early to shave and wear sexy glasses?" The answer is pretty simple.

Take your daughter to work day.

I am a simple man. I have simple needs and desires, hopes and fears. As one of the youngest individuals at my office, I have no problem catching the eyes of lonely widows and women in loveless relationships. I'm used to attracting that sort of attention. As I grow older, however, I find myself more and more out of touch with what the young people find "cool". My solemn vow to never lose touch with teenage trends has faded into a sea of Sweet Corn Festivals and talk radio. I have no idea what these kids are doing, and take your daughter to work day was my last chance to infiltrate the complex system of the teenage female brain.

I learned something that I forgot I learned when I was a teenager. I'm not really missing out.

You want to know what teenage girls are doing? They're buying CD's by bands they hear on the radio. They're picking out dresses for a prom that's 5 years away. They stress over their weight, but still make fun of fat people. They're hitching rides to the mall from older guys with cars. (By the way, teenage girls that date older guys are NOT cool. They're just going out with a guy who can't find a girl his own age, because they all know better.) Basically, they're doing what they've always been doing, mystery solved.

We don't need Oprah and Good Morning America warning us of their sexual exploits and designer drugs. The thing about the jelly bracelets and weekend orgies? The television promising you that your daughter is a whore and a liar? Not as prevalent as you might think. Trust your kids. If they want to tell you something, they will. If you're overly suspicious and yell before you think, they'll get pregnant on your bed. Simple as that.

I used to think teenage girls were a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in Dr. Pepper lip gloss, sporting ultra-low cut pants. In honesty, young women are pretty easy to figure out. If they like you, they'll find every possible way to cross your path 20 times a day. If they don't like you, they'll still pass you 20 times a day, but they'll talk loudly about how you creep them out. Either way, you'll get the picture.

Girls are still territorial and mean to other girls, that's just never going to change. Guys will get into a fistfight and emerge as best friends. Women will methodically lie and do everything they can to get their way, but they'll do it to you with a big, friendly smile on their faces. It's amazing, and should be an Olympic event. This isn't true of all women, of course. For every awful girl, there's a wonderful person who truly loves and respects everyone. This makes her an easy target for every bottom-feeding jackass on the planet. There's no way to win in High School, so pick a personality and run with it. You'll probably end up crying either way.

I should have you know that I did most of my research in secret. These women didn't know that I was evaluating them when I was pretending to work. Every now and then I would emerge with a question, just to see their response. Example:

(A young lady is playing Minesweeper on her Mother's computer. She looks up to find me standing there, looking dashing and sweaty.)

ME: "Hello, young lady!"
YL: "Um...hello? Are you looking for my Mom?"
ME: "No, I'm looking for you. Can I ask you a question?"
YL: "Um...well, I guess."
ME: "Capital! What do you think of Snoop Doggy Dogg?"
YL: "Um...don't you mean Snoop Dogg?"
ME: "Excuse me?"
YL: "Snoop Dogg."
ME: "Precisely. What do you think of him?"
YL: "Um...he's alright, I guess."
ME: "Fascinating."

(I continue to stand there, scribbling away on my clipboard.)

YL: "I'm...gunna go get a candy bar."
ME: "Shall I join you?"
YL: "You shan't."

I'm telling you, nothing has changed. I ended up having the most fun with Andrea, the 5-year-old daughter of our payroll manager. She was hilarious, and I made her a personalized name tag because I knew she'd like it. She didn't want to leave, but I promised her that I'd see her again, and I let her keep the name tag. In tune, she made me the funniest cartoon I've ever seen. (I'll post it next time.)

Here's 5 important things before I go:

1. I'm finally running that 5-mile race tomorrow. I'll give you a full review this weekend.

2. If you press the numbers 1-2-3-8 and 4 on your telephone, it sounds like the new McDonalds jingle. I'm lovin' it! I figured that out at work, and it blew my mind.

3. I met a really nice guy named Andrew on Tuesday. He's an old-school Mediocre At Best fan, and he managed to track me down. I hooked him up with some MAB-robilia, including a one-of-a-kind live CD. He has beautiful hair, and it was nice to meet him. (If we sound really nice and friendly, maybe he'll post on here.)

4. My book review is in the new issue of Core Weekly. Check it 'oot.

5. This month is on pace to be the biggest-ever here at the CDP. I've had over TWO THOUSAND visits in April, which is very close to the record set in December of 2004. Thank you very much. I want to take you all behind the shed and beat the crap out of you as a sign of my appreciation.

I have to go and massage my thighs now. I've got a long day tomorrow.

The thing about teenagers is that once you're not one for a few years, you realize that they aren't cool, and never were, and you never were when you were one.

I will say that teenagers today look cooler than they did when I was that age. They're still all insecure dorks, though, once you peel away the studded belts and ramones t-shirts.

2000 hits, wow. I wonder if I would get more hits if I updated more than once every two months.
Teenagers look younger now than before, and it has absolutely nothing to do with me getting older. Nope. Not one bit.

They do have better clothing now, although I don't know a single woman that can shop at those "size 0" stores that keep popping up everywhere. How do they stay in business when they pander to the dead?
What Ryan said:
"(By the way, teenage girls that date older guys are NOT cool. They're just going out with a guy who can't find a girl his own age, because they all know better.)"

What I have to say about that:
Hey! I was very cool; what are you talking about?
None of us were cool, that's why we all found each other. Obviously, we were the coolest High Schoolers, but the concept of cool isn't measured correctly when you're a teenager. You know what I mean. High School just isn't fair to anyone who deserves it.

I seldom met any girl my age or older that was cooler or more intelligent than Celia and her friends, and that's a promise. That's why I jumped that ship a long-ass time ago.

I stick by the "older guy" comment, but realize that the slam was on older guys (me & Ben), not younger girls (Missus & Sherry). Me and Ben are idiots, and the second that you and the Missus figure out that you can do better, we're in trouble.

Hey, wait a minute. You were just kidding!
I personally do not find high school memories at all unpleasant...they pretty much resemble the present. After all, 75% of high school was spent with you and the rest I don't remember any way!
I think i am going to comment now, but only because you were so nice to me. Even as a teenage male, with a less mature outlook on things, I know exactly what you are saying. It turns out that I talk to essentially no girls on the average day, mostly because I don't wish to associate myself with the fakeness with which a decent amount of them seem to carry at my school. Or at least I tell myself that, and it makes me feel like I am not a complete loser.

On a different note, McDonald's commercials may be the worst form of advertising I have ever seen. It's a shame that someone is getting paid to come up with them.

Welcome aboard, Andrew!

McDonalds has come up with some awful campaigns over the years, but this one is truly loathsome. Not only because they are annoying, but because it's very transparent. The healthy image, playing to "urban" culture and whatnot. I've probably been in 3 McDonalds in the last 5 years.

Looking for girls is overrated. Really, if there's someone who may be compatable with you, you'll know it as soon as you look at them. One thing I learned is that if you try to be with someone for the sole purpose of being with someone, that's going to hurt a lot more than being alone.

I was (technically) single for at least 2 full years in High School, but as soon as I met my (future) wife, I knew exactly where I needed to be. Fate is amazing.
That's because I'm totally awesome!

I wish that McDonald's had chili, so that the girl who "found the finger" in her chili could have "found it" in McDonald's chili and hurt THEIR business instead of Wendy's. At least Wendy's is fricken trying!
Dave Thomas was a satanist, though. You take the good with the bad.
Dave Thomas was a saint, you ass!

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