Tuesday, May 3

Let's Pretend We Don't Exist.

(INSERT CLEVER PHOTO HERE.)

Things are getting back into order here at the c.d.p. headquarters. I'm feeling much better after the race, although I messed up my right arch. I don't think this had anything to do with the run, but I'm limping around like Dr. House and it's not getting any better. I should be published once again in the Thursday issue of Core Weekly (an album review), and we're heading back home this weekend for some Mother's Day festivities.

I saw a commercial advertising diamond earrings for Mother's Day. I can't afford diamond anything right now (although I've purchased diamond earrings for the Missus in the past), and I don't think I want to hang around with anyone who purchases something like this for their Mother. If you buy this for your Mom, what do you buy your wife? Buying diamond earrings for your Mother will do nothing but piss off your wife, unless you buy your wife something even more extravagant (like a car or monkey butler). This isn't just with women, either. If I found out that the Missus bought her Dad a Rolex watch, I'd be curious as to where she was hiding that money. Mother's day gifts are supposed to be sentimental and appreciative, something that shows how grateful you are to be raised by someone so special and unique.

A Target gift card will do the trick. I love my Mom, but this $400 a month student loan isn't going to pay itself.

Here's something I've always wanted to share with my readers from out-of-state. The Governor of Wisconsin is Jim Doyle. Here's a recent photo:

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Here's a recent photo of Gargamel, enemy of Smurfs everywhere:

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I rest my case.

I was wearing my emo glasses yesterday, and they were crooked as usual. I was again spending several minutes trying to straighten them out, when I realized that my last pair of glasses did the same thing. They even were crooked in the same place.

My blood instantly ran cold. I had made the grim discovery that one of my ears is set higher than the other.

Damn it! I'm supposed to me symmetrical! These things are supposed to happen to other people, not me! From what I gather, everyone's asymmetrical in some shape or form, but I'm going to be self-conscious about this until the day I go under the knife. After running a few tests, it seems as if my left ear is a little higher on my head than the right one, causing my glasses to incline from right to left. The good news? My ever-growing hair is completely covering my ears so nobody will notice (like anyone who's not a cyborg would be able to notice an ear that's a fraction of an inch lower than it's counterpart). I always wondered why I could never get my sideburns just right.

Man, my hair is getting long. It's getting in my eyes, there's large clumps of it in the shower, and when I shake my head it's always just a little behind the motion. It's curling up in the back, Don Majkowski-style, and every day I look more and more like a filthy hippie. I've noticed more cops following me home from work (hey pigs, hippies don't have jobs, stop bothering me!), and kids on the street keep asking me if I like fish for some reason (lamest joke ever).


COMING SOON:
Celebrity Fan Mail!

Comments:
A target gift card will be nice. Then I can buy a pair of faux diamond earrings and tell everyone that you bought me real ones and brag about the wonderful son that I have.
 
I don't get the fish joke. Why don't I get jokes???

P.S. Let's pretend we're in Antarctica.
 
You should brag no matter what. I AM wonderful. Gift card it is, then.

Perhaps you'd get the joke if I spelled it "Phish". Read it again now, it's even funnier.

P.S. Let's have bizarre celebrations.
 
I got the Phish joke, but I have no chance of getting diamond earrings or a Target gift card so I don't know why I even bother.

Good emo glasses are hard to find. My last pair is beyond worn out. I don't know why they're so hard to find. Everyone has them and when I go into glasses places they give me the "who farted?" look when I ask for black plastic frames.
 
Oh, Phish! See, I get jokes!!! Haha...haha...*sigh*

P.S. Lets forget when forget what forget how.
 
As embarrassing as it sounds now, I bought my current pair of emo glasses at Hot Topic. I honestly looked everywhere, and they had the only pair that worked for me. These days, I'd rather fly in a glass-bottom airplane than set foot in their establishment.

By the way, I picked up Achilles Heel last week, but I haven't had a chance to sit down with it yet. I'll keep you posted. Have you picked up the Arcade Fire yet?

I made a broad stereotype about long-haired fans of jam bands. It's funny!

I don't know any more lines in that song, hun.
 
No Arcade Fire yet, except for the song I have from the Paste magazine sampler. I probably need to pick that up. I just got a stack of new Ben Folds stuff today, the new album and a bunch of EPs, so I'll be wading through that for a while.

Hmm, Hot Topic. I ordered some frames off of eBay, but they were way huger and more squarish than they looked in the pic. I got lenses put in them but they are not fit for public consumption.

Achilles Heel = musical goodness.
 
No more line to the song? I see how it's going to be!

I'm proud to say that I haven't set foot in the hot topic establishment in probably 4 years. Even prouder to say I have never even ONCE set foot in the Abercrombie establishment.
 
Let me know how Songs for Silverman is. The critics seem to be tearing it apart.

I've never been in an Abercrombie, but I threw an Orange Julius at their window once. Take THAT, scantily clad football player!
 
I like SFS so far, though I've only listened to it 3 or 4 times. It probably won't be my favorite, but I'm glad I bought it.

What a coincidence, I once threw a pretentious 19yr old girl at the window of an Orange Julius.
 
Heh-heh. Throwing things at other things. It's a victimless hobby.

So, is SFS more like Rocking the Suburbs or Reinhold Messner?
 
Like punching someone in the dark.

Probably more like Reinhold Messner. It doesn't rock quite as much as Rockin' the Suburbs.
 
So long Scotty, nobody likes a wife beater.
 
Fat people have no business in entertainment.
 
So he was only your favorite until he got kicked off?
 
Woh, what if Scott WORE a wife beater? That would be like some sort of weird statement...that makes my head hurt.

Vonzell & Bo in the finals, 2005!
 
I like Bo, Scott, Carrie & Vonzell, so I've been pretty happy with the results no matter what. Scott had to go eventually, I think he went further than he should have. I'd be more than happy with anyone besides Anthony, it's truly the best season ever.

If Savol would've worn a wife-beater, I'd be disturbed. He's kind of hefty.
 

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