Saturday, June 11

Where's My Promotion?

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A couple weeks ago, a customer came in to work, telling me how much my office reminded her of "The Office". Maybe she was right.

At work yesterday, I was cornered in the hallway by the frantic administrator of the Wisconsin Real Estate Board. He looked like he was in a hurry, and this somehow involved me.

“Quick, I need you to make a snap decision for me.” He said, waving his arms around.

But, here’s the thing. I misheard him, and thought that he said “snack” decision. It didn’t register that this important person would need my opinion on anything vital, so I just figured it concerned food. I mean, why would my input be necessary concerning laws or statutes? My best guess was that there was a Zagnut and a Milky Way staring back at him from behind the plexi-glass in the machine, and he needed me to break the tie.

“Sure!” I shot back to him. “What are you hungry for?”

His eyes narrowed. Then they got very wide, as he cocked his head to the side in a futile attempt to make sense of my folly.

“What?” He squeaked.

What?” I deadpanned back to him.

“Um…I’m going to go and get Bill’s opinion on this.” He said, slowly making his way around me in the hallway and eventually out of sight, leaving me to wonder where I went wrong. Later, I asked “Bill” what was up, and that’s when the full force of my stupidity struck me like a concrete watermelon.

I’m an idiot.

On the bright side, I made it through another day without having to make any actual decisions. Perhaps I should respond this way to every query I get at work.

“Hey Ryan, can you get these forms done by lunch?”

“Sure thing, are you in the mood for something salty?”

(Long pause)

“Um…you know what, Ryan? I think I’ll go ahead and take care of those forms myself. Thanks anyway, though.”

“You betcha.”

Comments:
You kids should come to Appleton tonight. Seriously.
 
This made me literally laugh out loud a lot.
 
The CDP's un-funny post drought has ended! I'm back, baby!
 
I cannot tell you how often this kind of thing happens to me. I swear that I'm deaf.
 
I guess I have selective hearing. Perhaps he was asking me something right before lunch, and I was hungry.

All it takes is one misunderstanding like this to have something think you're insane for the rest of your career. Now I'll have to kill him.

How was the Bridal shower, Berry?
 
The story would be extra funny if the guy was fat.

You really do need to see The Office series.
 
This guy in question wasn't fat. He's a typical-looking business man. Tall, nice suit, clean-shaven, etc. It was especially funny because he has no sense of humor and is always in a serious mood. If he lived to be 100, he'd never think that this was funny.
 
I hate that stuffy old dean!
 
So I got home from work about a half hour ago, and heard something running around my garage. Then I heard a horse. Fairly sure this horse had a headless rider seeking my soul, I hurried into the house. Turns out, it was 4 bloodthirsty horses, theoretically seeking revenge on humankind for imprisoning them. Either way, it woke up the puppy.
 
Were they fat?
 
Oh great, RJ has turned into Kevin Barnes again...
 
I bet it was the four elephants of the apocalypse.
 
One trick to make those horses go away is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. 'Give me five bees for a quarter', you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah...the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war; the only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
 
Ha ha ha... you win the Simpsons quoting contest.
 
That will never not be funny.

The best part about that scene was that Mr. Burns was clearly bored, tapping his fingers and whatnot. Mr. Burns has to be at least 35 years older than Abe.
 
I cheated though and got it off a webpage because I didn't know it word for word....
 
The important thing is that you remembered that scene. Excellent application.
 
Who the hell is Kevin Barnes, and why do I have a feeling I should know that?

Seriously though, there were 4 horses running around my yard last night.
 
The shower was fine. Only about 20 people showed up, but that was fine for me because I hate being in front of large groups of people (mixed with people I know and people I don't know). A few people didn't show up that I would have liked to be there (like my sister and Amy for instance), but oh well. I got a bunch of lovely gifts anyway, and I felt so lucky to have so many nice relatives and friends with good taste, or enough sense to go and buy me what I wanted from Target and Kohl's. Anyway, you may have noticed that I'm writing this at 3:30 in the morning. That's because I woke up with hunger pangs, mistaking them for the stomach flu. After many attempts to make myself vomit, I decided to eat something instead, realizing that I had only eaten a bowl of cereal and a bowl of Ramen yesterday. So, here I am, at around 3:30 am, taking a half-hour to eat a strawberry YoCrunch yogurt with one of my new utensils that I received from my grandma. Okay, time for me to go.
 
Kevin Barnes is the mastermind behind indie-rock sensation Of Montreal. I'd tell you to check them out, but I don't feel much like sharing them with others.

I'm glad that your shower went well enough. Sorry about some of the no-shows, but at least you got what you wanted.

So, let me get this straight. You were trying to induce vomiting on yourself at 3 in the morning, so you decided to check out my page? I'm like internet ipecac over here.

Feel better, we've got places to go next week.
 
"When I feel like vomiting, the CDP does the trick everytime."
 
Maybe CDP should stand for "Careless Digestion Party".
 
Sherry, that is hilarious! That's actually happened to me quite a few times before....I think I'm really sick and about to die, but then I realize I'm just hungry. It's much worse when you think you're hungry and you're actually sick, though. That's happened to me a few times...

No Ryan, you may not share Of Montreal (yet) as you are still in the process of being "shared with" in my eyes...once you hear Coquelicot then you can decide if this is something you want to share. You may write them off for good after that (haha) (sort of) (not)...
 
And don't share them with RJ anyway...there's no way he'd like them. He only likes a band if their name rhymes with "Metallica."
 
I'm not sharin' nutin' wit' nobody.
 
Did you pick up any of their stuff yet, Aaron?

'tis good.
 
I don't own any, but I've enjoyed what I've heard. Since I moved out of my parents' place, I don't spend nearly as much on albums as I used to.

Ben and I used to play the "Satanic Panic..." album on the radio all the time. Good times.

P.S. Ben and Sherry, thanks for hanging out with me and my drunk friends. I apologize if I did or said anything really weird...I was drunk for like 22 hours straight. Luke was drunk for almost the entire weekend. He drunk-dialed my mom several times. They've never met. My skin is on fire.
 
Aaron, hanging out with you and your new friends wasn't too wierd. I understand you were drunk, as you attempted to bite me several times and lowered me into the water to cleanse my feet of sand. My shoulders are also on fire. Imagine the skin fire with an upset stomach and that's what I feel like right now.

I ended up throwing up the strawberry YoCrunch and the glass of chocolate milk that followed. Then, I felt a little better but continued to experience some stomach cramping. I became convinced I had morning sickness and just took a pregnancy test (which of course was negative). I am now diagnosing myself with an E coli bacterial infection (from swimming in lake Michigan at High Cliff with Aaron and his drunk friends).
 
I don't know if I missed out, or if I was really lucky I wasn't there. Probably the latter, but it's not like anyone told me or anything!

I can't swim.
 
I was biting you? hahaaaaaaaa.

Speaking of biting, did you see the bite marks all over me? You can't see them anymore on account of the sunburn, but I can still feel them.

So are you and Ben trying to get pregnant, or were you just checking?
 
I thought you guys had to work on Saturday night; that's why we went home...
 
I just listened to a recent This American Life episode called "Not What I Meant" about misunderstandings that reminded me of this post. Some funny stuff, I was literally laughing out loud. (llol).
 
My entire life is a "Not What I Meant". I spend most days apologizing.
 
Aaron, you didn't actually bite me; you tried to bite though. And yes, I saw your bite marks; you pointed them out to me several times.

Celia, we went swimming with Aaron on Sunday afternoon, and I was fifteen minutes late for work.
 
Oh, I see. I don't think Lake Michigan is by High Cliff though...I may however be mistaken...
 
Oops! Lake Winnebago!
 

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