Sunday, July 17

Post #200 - Part 1 Of 3.

So, here it finally is. My 200th post, so large that it's been divided into a trilogy of quotes and sound bites from the last year and a half. It represents the best and worst, funniest and dumbest that the CDP has ever had to offer. Please enjoy, parts 2 and 3 are on the way.

So to Lucas, if you ever read this, I hate you and you've ruined my chances to become a cable television personality. If it takes me until I'm a hundred years old, I will kill you.
- "Sheet Envy", February 2004

This computer is agonizingly slow, and has more viruses than Courtney Love's bathwater. Zing! Take that, famous performer!
- "Untitled Post", February 2004

The sheet that was made so beautifully by Celia was shining like a beacon behind the main table, and it received a good share of positive comments. I like to think that I was partly responsible for its beauty, because I did nothing to wreck it while it sat on my living room floor.
- Infant A Go-Go", February 2004

Well, I'm off to ingest a large helping of fiber.
- "Ulcers Be Damned!", February 2004

This mindset goes back to school for me. Since there were no days off in March, there was no relief from school. Each day seemed like more of a weight on your shoulders until you became convinced that March would simply swallow up the rest of the months, and just carry on for 294 more days.
- "Damn Smarch Weather", March 2004

I need to sit where I can see everything, and nothing is behind me. When I go out to eat I need to sit in a corner or up against the wall. I fear assassination attempts. Screw having people look at me when I don't know it. Enough of this.
- "Clear!", March 2004

I slowly hung the phone up and thought to myself for a long amount of time. "How could I be a terrorist?" I thought to myself. "When did this happen? Last week? I didn't even leave the house last week!"
- "Terror Alert: Elevated", March 2004

Now, I don't even want to get into all the many reasons why I could NOT be a terrorist (afraid of guns, can't swim, allergies, etc.). I suspect that even the least capable terrorist can walk to the mailbox without getting an ear infection.
- "Terror Alert: Elevated", March 2004

I've noticed that this page has been receiving about 15 hits a day, for an average visiting time of 5 minutes per hit.
- "Punching Out", March 2004
(I now get over 200 hits a day. Thanks.)

Some authors have the gift of being able to keep their readers glued to the pages, unable to put the book down for any reason. This is due to an abundance of adhesive applied to the spine of the book, and that was a funny joke. But seriously, pick up anything in the “Goosebumps” series, and that magnificent bastard R.L. Stine can keep you gripped for upwards of 48 pages.
- "2% Skim", March 2004

Tender steam escapes from between my parted lips, my feet stepping onto dirty melting snow. The dark full moon in the clearest sky of early spring beams down its’ spotlight, leaving me alone on this stage of asphalt. Cautiously avoiding sidewalk cracks and wingless doves roams I, trickling tears turning to ice on red cheeks. Cars dodge the fool who doesn’t check for danger, too immersed in failure and loss to comprehend basic pain. Crossing the street of broken dreams, and into the supermarket of lost souls.
- "2% Skim", March 2004

She’s the type of woman who’s so gorgeous that if you look at her long enough, you think about killing her. You know what I’m talking about. You look and obsess about someone so much, that they become too perfect to live on this earth. Then you have to go and take them out in some horrible fashion. Beauty and death are hand in hand. If you are with someone who you think you could kill on the grounds of her being perfect, the search is over. Marry that woman. But then don’t go on and kill her. Just keep that to yourself.
- "A New Man", March 2004

I thought for sure that they would show up and see me attempting to drag a dead Jamaican guy out of my apartment.
- "Butter Your Buns", March 2004

People like lists. American people will not rest until they have taken every single thing on the planet and attached a ranking and short description to it. People love nothing more than to see anything listed in ascending order of goodness.
- "Top 10 List - Part 1", March 2004

I slam my door on preachers, and that's what I did here. I basically told her to go away, and to leave us alone. I was diplomatic but firm. I could have just as soon told them to go to hell, made devil horns with my fingers to the whole diner and left, never to see any of them again. But I didn't, yet I still come off like an ass.
- "Good Morning, Dark Lord", April 2004

I'm getting no smarter, and my life is already at least 25% over. This self-depreciation will cure a bad mood, but it won't make tomorrow any better. That takes effort. Effort needs self-esteem, self-esteem needs self-worth, self-worth needs accomplishments, and accomplishments need effort. Uh oh.
- "Good Eye, Sniper", April 2004

I'd like to thank Mr. Flav for the kind words. I also hope he has a quick and successful trial.
- "Celebrity Fan Mail!", April 2004

It really makes me appreciate the sacrifices people make so their son or husband doesn't hang himself in the bathroom by the elastic in his boxers.
- "We're On Cloud Nine!", April 2004

Something else I need to do is exercise. With spring turning into summer, I really should get out more often. I'm gaining weight, have trouble with most stairs, and I'm a spoonfull of mayo away from a full-blown heart attack. It'll be a sad day when my pacemaker keeps me from microwaves when I'm 23 years old. I think I feel great, but I usually lie to myself.
- "We're On Cloud Nine!", April 2004

Even you could crank out a beautifully formatted screenplay in less than a week. Well, probably not you. I can, though.
- "The Wizard Needs Food Badly", April 2004

I'm no stranger to people thinking I'm gay. Ever since I was young, people would always speculate as to if I was practicing an alternative lifestyle. Admittedly, having a bona fide homosexual as your best friend was no saving grace. The general public just assumed that we were lovers. No amount of flirting or games of flag football seemed to change this stereotype.
- "Mr. Fancy Stamps", May 2004

I think if they want to give the "cowboys" some incentive to win, they should give the bulls wimpy names like "Kitten Rainbow", or "Lollipop Pillow Basket". If I got my ribs kicked in my "McNasty", I'd still be respected. But if a bucking steed named "Pink Triangle" caused me to lose a testicle, I'd never hear the end of it. That's a bull I'm going to want to stay on.
- "Yeee-Haw!", May 2004

Even if you have to watch 20 guys in a row last 8 seconds with the bull, it's all worth it for the inevitable goring that takes place at every rodeo since the beginning of time.
- "Yeee-Haw!", May 2004

You go to rodeos for the same reason you go to a NASCAR race or a cockfight, you want to see things get hurt! Did you honestly think that riding this bull was a good idea? Did you think you'd be respected as a hero and a big man? Well, it was worth a shot, but now your ribs have been cracked like uncooked spaghetti, and your redneck kids are crying in the bleachers.
- "Yeee-Haw!", May 2004

As for the old archive stuff, well you're just going to have to imagine how funny they were with pictures. Be creative! Pretend the red X's and Angelfire logos are point of view pictures of me or some stationary object.
- "New Wave Jacket", May 2004

I'm going to go and puke now. Then I'm going to enjoy my last Friday of unemployment in front of the television.
- "Everything Is A-OK", May 2004

So the next time you come back here, expect something different from the usual talk. I'll bring something different to the potluck dinner, as long as you promise to bring your little plastic sporks and foons.
- "Sinneslochen Syndrome", May 2004

Take all the stress caused by co-workers, fear of failure and rejection, 5 days of crappy microwavable lunches and SHOVE THEM STRAIGHT UP YOUR CHUTE, YA BIG PANSY! Get right over it, and shut your mouth before someone realizes you don't belong there. Enjoy your weekend while it's here, Ryan. Live the same way everyone else does, 2 days a week. You only deserve 40-some hours to yourself a week anyways, considering how much time you've pissed away over the years. You deserve to be punished for your 3 years of daytime television and online gaming. 3 years of bad essays and The Price Is Right. Don't talk anymore about how bad you have it, because your girlfriend just watched a homeless man throw a phone at someone because his welfare check didn't show up. This happened while you were alphabetizing index cards in your cubicle, mumbling about when you could go on break. I'd punch you in the head if I had arms, but I don't. I'm only your conscience. I'm leaving now. Go to hell.
- "Casual Friday", June 2004

I dreamed that I was in my Grandparents' driveway on the hood of my car, talking to a cloud in the middle of the night. The cloud said something to me about dragons and witchery, and began to swoop down to me. I screamed myself awake, and my nose started bleeding.
- "I'll Mess With Texas", June 2004

On Sunday night, I had a dream that a man threatened me with a scissors, forcing me out of a bathroom with my pants around my ankles so his daughter could use it. My only display of defiance was as I was taking baby steps out the door, yelling to him, "You're the worst French ambassador we've ever had!"
- "I'll Mess With Texas", June 2004

So shut your mouth about trying to make me disappear off of your change, Conservative America. FDR's here to stay! If any of you have a problem with it, so help me, I'll get right up off of this Hoveround and kick you square in the sack. Don't even test me.
- "Paid Endorsement", June 2004

The opinions, views and foul language expressed by deceased President Roosevelt do not necessarily reflect me or the Communist Dance Party. Deceased President Roosevelt offered the Communist Dance Party a sum of money to use our page as an outlet for his expressed views.
- "Paid Endorsement", June 2004

Allow me to get a little personal for a paragraph here. I did everything I could not to cry. I sang songs in my head, refused to stare her in the eye, and laughed at nothing for as long as I could. But once I had to take her hands, and let her know how much she meant to me, I just couldn't handle it. I recovered quickly, but I did have several welling tears. Luckily for me, there wasn't a dry eye in the place. Rumor has it that even old Ben was shedding a tear or two, but out of respect for his masculinity I will not confirm or deny these accusations. I've never been sadder or happier in my life.
- "06-19-2004", June 2004

Everyone knows how much I adore the rave culture. I bet this guy was happy as a Christmas clam when he saw how much of my page I had devoted to just what he was looking for. Glow sticks at bargain basement prices, pictures of ballrooms squished to the rafters with skeletal ninnies and pacifiers. If I wanted to have a dry-hump fest with a hundred filthy people I didn't want to talk to, I would come back to Winneconne for the street dance more often.
- "Search Me!", July 2004

Kids today can communicate with everyone they know via the interweb. It's a miracle, really. Granted, it's just like the telephone, but you can't make emoticons on the telephone. You could, but they wouldn't pan out as well as in text form. Permit me to demonstrate:
Caller #1 - "Guess what! Eyes wide open!"
Caller #2 - "What? Mouth agape?"
Caller #1 - "I asked out the captain of the rugby team! Blushing!"
Caller #2 - "Waving tiny American flags!"
- "Janna Has A Chin", July 2004

People, please read a book. Hell, read the dictionary. Our ability to communicate in a clear and coherent manner is what evolves us into creatures able to accomplish lots of amazing things in life. To think that kids are using things like "IMHO" in a book report make me want to hang their parents from the highest branch. I could go on, but I think you understand the point I'm trying to make here. Technology is no excuse for stupidity.
- "Janna Has A Chin", July 2004

Upon reading this, I went through rapid stages of behavior much like those in coping with the death of a loved one. Almost instantly, I denied it. I thought if I didn't look at it, it would cease to exist in front of me. No more than 2 seconds later, I fell right into anger. I got so furious looking at it over and over again, that my right ear started to ooze a thick brown fluid. Luckily for me, before I knew it I was in stage 3, bargaining. I was offering promises of sainthood and good deeds to my monitor if it would, in return, make it go away. I had to do everything I could to undo what I had seen. Soon thereafter, I slipped into a deep depression. I knew that future generations were doomed, and there would never be a good book written after 2010. The fluid started to pour again. I'm still waiting for the 5th stage, acceptance, to arrive. Until then, I have my fingers on the keys, and a Kleenex wedged in my ear.
- "Janna Has A Chin", July 2004

My 130-pound frame, coupled with my complete lack of alcohol retention means that I don't have to drink nearly anything to impair myself. I'm usually not looking to impair myself, because my ability to get sick far outreaches my ability to enjoy liquor. A nice Cosmopolitan might be good for an hour, but when you fall off the bed everytime you shut your eyes, you start to wonder if there was a better way to spend that 6 bucks.
- "Candy Mountain", August 2004

I had no idea what was going on. Sure, it burned like hell and tasted like gasoline, but every place makes their drinks differently. I figured that this bartender was having an off night, in reality he was pouring me a 39 dollar drink.
- "Candy Mountain", August 2004

Here's to monotony. It's all we've got, and most of us don't even deserve it. Don't worry if you feel like you're going nowhere, because at least you know you're not sliding backwards. Look around. You've got a job, a place to stay and someone who loves you nearby. What did you do to deserve that much anyways? Don't push your luck, loser.
- "Sick Day - Part Deux", August 2004

While some people like to look down at chain eateries, I actually prefer them to a hole in the wall or an expensive bistro. Give me an Olive Garden or Damon’s any day of the week, I say!
- "Marinated String Cheese", August 2004

While most people celebrate their being of legal drinking age by getting thoroughly trashed, I settled in with a non-alcoholic beverage and whined about my life being mostly over. It was clichéd and stereotypical of what most boring emo-guys would do when faced with a change in life, but anything else from me would have been quite unexpected and wrong. We went back to the house, where I’m certain we were asleep by 10pm.
- "Marinated Ctring Cheese", August 2004

But I’m not an entirely normal teenager-turned-adult. Most of the time, I refuse to acknowledge what people my age “should” be doing, simply because I hate most people my age and don’t want to play ball with them. For the most part, I dislike my generation immensely for what they’ve done to my attention span, and for what people think of me just by looking at me. The boring originality and angst of generation-X was diluted by the media and given a suicidal makeover with pre-ripped pants and name brand plaid. I, of course, fell right into line in the last 2 years. Sure, I look a lot better now and my clothes are much more expensive, but my insides ache for the fashion nightmare I used to be. Make no mistake about it; I really don’t like my generation as a whole.
- "Marinated String Cheese", August 2004

While this should be obvious to anyone who knows me, I all but break out into a rash when I’m around more than 4 people at a time.
- "Marinated String Cheese", August 2004

Being able to successfully make someone laugh heartily is one of the best feelings in the world, as far as I’m concerned.
- "Marinated String Cheese", August 2004

You learn something new every day. Sometimes, if you’re really lucky, you’ll learn more.
- Marinated String Cheese", August 2004

After several hours in New Glarus, I started to feel jealous. I wanted to be Swiss, or at the very least, live in Little Switzerland. These people represented everything I loved in a culture. Non-violence, fine wines and cheese, land-locked for minimal contact with water.
- "Fondue For Two", August 2004

Now, everyone has their fantasies. Some guys wonder what it would be like to sleep with 2 women at the same time. Others think about what it would be like to win the lottery. My fantasy has always been to play Mini-Golf and then go Bowling immediately afterwards.
- "Fondue For Two", August 2004

Say what you want about the idea of a Croatian basketball team, at least they know the value of teamwork.
- "Dagger Vision", August 2004

I don't like babies very much, but at least they don't know what they're doing.
- "Fat Kid Dunk Tank", August 2004

Good luck with the move, and all the responsibilities that come with it. If I have any decent advice to give, it would be to not fight irrationally about money, work out a spending plan, and keep the place clean. Nothing makes someone more uncomfortable than coming home to a dirty house and a lazy spouse. Ben, I'm obviously talking to you.
- "Fat Kid Dunk Tank", August 2004

Watching the decathlon on the Olympics reminds me of when I was doing the shot put in 5th grade Gym class. I tried to throw it like a baseball, and tore everything in my arm from the shoulder to elbow. Then I pretended to throw it at a passing car, and the old man behind the wheel gave me the finger.
- "Fat Kid Dunk Tank", August 2004

Joy is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
- "Casual August", August 2004

I came home from work today to find the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile parked right outside of my house.
- "I Am The Secretary", August 2004

I'm going to make a great housewife once we have a kid. I'm already starting a scrapbook.
- "I Am The Secretary", August 2004

I promise that once we're all settled in, we'll have a big housewarming party, and you'll be invited. Unless I don't know you. Or unless I know you but don't care for you.
- "I Am The Secretary", August 2004

But seriously, going from something as beautiful as Athens to the sight of thousands of Conservatives is like winning a thousand dollars, then slamming your nuts in a patio door. You're too confused to be hurt.
- "I Am The Secretary", August 2004

I'm well accustomed to moving. Since the age of 9, I've been bouncing around from house to house, scattering possessions and pitching heirlooms into the trash. When you have to load and unload boxes of things you never knew you had, you start to wonder why you have it in the first place.
- "Stairs Make A Man Mean", September 2004

We've already put a significant gouge in the wall. I have blisters. A treadmill fell on my pinkie toe. I can't wait to finish moving, but Celia might be living there by herself while I'm up in traction.
- "Stairs Make A Man Mean", September 2004

Preparing to run the front desk is similar to the night before Christmas, only with more vomiting.
- "Stairs Make A Man Mean", September 2004

I was 19, and working at the Larsen Co-Op. We saw the attacks on the television in the auto repair waiting room. Some people cried, others just left. Celia had spent the day home from school because she was sick, so she slept through most of it. That night, I went to get gas for my car, and saw a line going down the street from the Co-Op. I went in and helped my manager check people out until we ran out of gas. I then went home, where I didn't sleep for 2 days. The End.
- "My September 9-11", September 2004

It shouldn't take something horrible to get us all on the same page. I'm old enough to realize that complete unity is impossible, but it still doesn't mean you should be an ass. This is a great country. I can say whatever I want here, it can be read by a billion people, and I'm not afraid the Government will saw my hands off. We need to make sure it stays this way. It's closer to changing than you think.
- "My September 9-11", September 2004

I stumbled back a few steps, almost going unconscious. When I was younger, I received a concussion at the hands of an aluminum baseball bat and a fat former friend. This felt exactly the same way. Shaking off the cobwebs and feeling the blood start to pour out of my swollen mouth, I made a beeline for the bathroom.
- "White Collar Concussion", September 2004

I got hit in the mouth with the microphone I was using, and the braces dug themselves into my lips. I can still feel the imprint of the brackets when I run my tongue along the bottom of my mouth. What have we learned about me? I'm clumsy, and I get hit in the head a lot.
- "White Collar Concussion", September 2004

Coming from a young family, death is an issue I have very limited experience with. I don't wish to become more experienced in it, but it's inevitable. You have to deal with these things as they arise, as you could never possibly prepare for them. One thing I've found helps a lot is to have at least one person with whom to confide in. That's all you really need, and it can make a big difference. Don't bother trying to run from the train, it's going to run you over eventually, just accept it and get as ready as you can.
- "Back For The Attack!" September 2004

Within days, I'll be able to sit down and write again, and make myself a sandwich without having to drive across the street to my fridge.
- "Back For The Attack!", September 2004

I can't help but wonder if I could pull off a nice thick 'stache. Sure, I would have to quite literally go years without shaving, but I think it could really send my look in a new direction. Straight to the top of the corporate ladder! Finally get the respect I always thought I deserved! More attention from the opposite sex! More attention from the same sex! All because I took a chance, and started grooming a small portion of my upper lip.
- "New Wave Mustache", September 2004

I'm currently taking the necessary steps for me to be able to be promoted, should they think that highly of me. Honestly though, I'm pretty sure I should just get nice and comfortable here in the mailroom.
- "New Wave Mustache", September 2004

If you're a Democrat or anyone who wants Bush gone, last night couldn't have gone any better had Kerry shot him dead right there behind the podium.
- "Electile Dysfunction", October 2004

In an ongoing effort to cleanse myself of everything that makes me a jackass to be around, I swore the stuff off to just to see if I could. Turns out I could, but it was absolutely no fun at all. If anyone tells you that caffeine isn't an addictive drug, I'd be more than happy to tell them about the sleepless nights spent sweating on my basement floor, joints aching, shivering uncontrollably. It sucked, but I went ahead and gave it up anyways, because I'm strong like a bear.
- "Jitterized", October 2004

I'm not running for President or anything, but I know that if you plan on invading a country, you should at least know how to get out of there correctly. Common sense will tell you that.
- "Jitterized", October 2004

If you think he used to be good-looking, he has a beard now. Imagine an egg with a beard, and you'll get a pretty good idea of what he looks like. I tried to find a good picture, but even the Internet has standards.
- "The Price I Pay", October 2004

You probably don't know him, but I would willingly donate my teeth to the homeless for the chance to put this guy in the Hospital for 23 years.
- "The Price I Pay", October 2004

'Nuff said. The World Series is going back to Boston, and the Yankees were humiliated in historic fashion. Johnny Damon looks just like my Dad.
- "Wicked Good", October 2004

It seems pretty obvious that I wouldn't like Country music, but it's not entirely true. Old school Country music was wonderful, fearless, rugged stuff that was truly emotional and great to listen to. This new breed of anthemic, name-brand dropping, tragedy-trashing Country pop is enough to make me go on a redneck-killing spree. I won't, however, because I'm an artist.
- "Country Mu-Suck", October 2004

Us kids sank thousands of dollars into that practice room, and what did we ever get from it? Well, me and Ben got wives out of the deal, so we're pretty happy about that.
- "Country Mu-Suck", October 2004

Much like the Kennedy assasination and September 11, everyone knows where they were when they saw Ashlee Simpson's career crumble before their very eyes.
- "Bush: Portrait Of A Serial Killer", October 2004

Part 2 is next, kids.

Any quotes about Post #200 should be directed to the last one, PART 3. Thanks.
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