Sunday, July 17

Post #200 - Part 2 Of 3.

The 200th post trilogy continues. Enjoy 79 more quotes.

No matter who wins, we're still headed straight down Sh*t Creek without a paddle, I just want John Kerry pretending to steer the boat.
- "Pure Filler", October 2004

Tonight, the Red Sox will win their 8th straight postseason game, sweep the Cardinals and become World Series Champions for the first time in about 86 years. I personally haven't been waiting 86 years, but I'm still happy as hell about it. Best Baseball Postseason Ever!
- "Pure Filler", October 2004

Remember, nothing beats the look on a kid's face when he takes a big bite out of a caramel-covered onion.
- "20 Scariest Movie Moments!", October 2004

Jack Nicholson gives his greatest performance in this Kubrick raping of a Stephen King novel.
- "20 Scariest Movie Moments!", October 2004

You really should see poltergeist if you haven't already. It's a classic, and it was before Spielberg decided he could make a lot more money with Dinosaurs and Jews.
- "20 Scariest Movie Moments!", October 2004

Now listen, we've got to talk for a second here. Man to man, or man to woman... or woman to woman, if you prefer. It's about this Election tomorrow. It's important, it really is. The last few elections have been sort of worthless. 2 candidates who agree with each other on almost every subject. It really didn't matter who you voted for, if you voted at all. This year is different. We have 2 rich, white millionaires who disagree on almost every damn subject you could bring up to them. We actually get to choose which one of these people agrees the most with us, and vote for them as our President. Pick a topic that matters to you. This war, the draft, abortion, health care, the economy, taxes, education, the environment. These candidates have a different opinion on all of these issues. If you already know who you're going to vote for, good for you. Vote for the guy who you think will instill your beliefs in the Oval Office. If you're still undecided, or are considering staying home, you're missing out on something that's honestly going to effect you. It will take you no more than 5 minutes to look up what the candidates have to say about almost anything. Make an educated choice, and cast your vote. Wisconsin is a great state, because they let you register to vote on the day of the Election! No phone calls to make, no e-mails and no letters. All you have to do is show up at your local polling place, and it will take you 30 seconds to change the world. If that sounded queer, you need to know that I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe it was true.
- "I Have A Plan", November 2004

No earth-shattering problems, no ugly messes and no lawyers. No fist fights in voter lines, no fires, no tear gas, no civil war and not a single protest. No hanging chads, no effigy, no duels to the death and again, no recount. We all expected a disaster on November 2. We got much worse.
- "Post #100", November 2004

Here's where we went wrong. Once again, I will squarely blame my generation. Didn't P. Diddy tell you he would kill you if you didn't vote? Weren't you afraid of what Puffy was going to do to you? Haven't you seen his faux-hawk?
- "Post #100", November 2004

As the projections kept coming in, I was praying out loud that the entire center of the United States would be sucked into a fiery abyss, leaving only the blue-colored crust behind. Of course, this never happened. Then again, I was watching Fox News for some of the night, so if it did happen I wouldn't have known.
- "Post #100", November 2004

I used to live in the "Heartland". I used to work at a gas station so deep in the middle of red territory, that slavery was openly discussed over coffee and cigarettes.
- "Post #100", November 2004

After September 11, we had never been as united as we were then. Three years later, this place is taking sides and looking for an ass to kick.
- "Post #100", November 2004

I'd be happy to fight in a war that I believe in, and if he reinstates the draft due to poor planning, I'll certainly fight to overthrow his entire cabinet. Thanks to the Patriot Act, I'll be visited by the Secret Service for that previous remark. Don't you feel safer?
- "Post #100", November 2004

I must give 20 bucks every December to these people. The worst part is that each Santa is different, and they don't know that you already gave the Salvation Army money. Dude, I'M BROKE! I have just enough money to buy this Matchbox 20 CD for my sister and maybe grab some dinner. Screw the Salvation Army, and their guilt-driven racket.
- "Meet Me When We're 10 Years Older", November 2004

I'm trying to set honest, reachable goals for myself this holiday season. My first goal is to not drive anywhere when there is more than a quarter-of-an-inch of snow on the ground. I'm not doing it. If I wake up for work one December morn, and see even the slightest of flakes blowing around outside my window, they can shove it. I'm calling in sick.
- "Violence Good! Sex Bad!", November 2004

I firmly hold the belief that in the future, movies will no longer have titles. We'll just go to the theater, and the signs will just say, "Horror", "Romantic Comedy", "Action", etc. We'll pay our 12 bucks apiece, and the movies will satisfy our needs.
- "Violence Good! Sex Bad!", November 2004

There, a giant lumberjack of a man shot a flare gun at me, somehow blowing up the shack I was standing in front of. I then wrestled a pitchfork out of the hands of a lanky passerby, and put it through the lumberjack's neck. As blood exploded from his jugular vein, I threw up and awoke. I didn't sleep much afterwards. The weirdest part came this afternoon, when most of that dream came true.
- "Monkey Is Not A Color", November 2004

It's pretty obvious that Celia didn't have to work very hard to rope me into this. I was never much into casual dating, I disliked parties to no extent, and the women I hung out with had such crippling emotional baggage that I almost went gay my Sophomore year. The thought of waking up next to someone I truly cared about was what sent me onward and upward, looking for that person who would settle for a egomaniacal knob like myself. I'm more true to myself lint-rolling the furniture than I ever was pretending to listen to 15-year olds go on about their boyfriends.
- "I've Got Perfect Words To Say", November 2004

All around my place of employment, I hear bitter women venting about how much men suck. Suddenly, after 20 years of marriage and 4 kids, they realize that they can function on their own. They finally realize that they married a selfish, unresponsive, sexist prick that has no idea or intention of making their wife happy.
- "I've Got Perfect Words To Say', November 2004

You should be so lucky that this wonderful woman has offered you the rest of her life to attempt to whip you into decent shape, so she can show you off at gatherings. Do NOT let her down. She deserves better than you, and you'd better make damn sure that she never realizes that.
- "I've Got Perfect Words To Say", November 2004

The next time your man pisses you off, play hardball. Tell him that you're going to run off with a Yak, or perhaps a Teddy-Bear Hamster. An animal who knows where the nearest stream is, and who keeps in shape on their little exercise wheel.
- "I've Got Perfect Words To Say", November 2004

My final thought is this. Men, you have no idea how easy you have it. All women ask of you is that you treat them the way you want to be treated. They may never make up their mind about where they want to eat dinner, but they'll never waiver on the respect thing, I promise. Some women have serious problems, some men have serious problems, but the majority of people just want a pair of eyes looking back at them and nodding.
- "I've Got Perfect Words To Say", November 2004

Secondly, no more excessive drinking for Ryan. I'm hereby authorizing Celia to use deadly force if necessary to keep me from turding all over the next party we have. I know she only keeps me around to look sexy and wear cute sweaters, so that's all I plan to do from this point forward. No more talking, because it's not my strong suit anymore. I'll cover my personality with hipster glasses and well-fitting denim, and sip Sprite for the rest of my life.
- "The Last Wobbler", November 2004

I also bought Benjamin the Complete First Season of Home Movies, only to discover that he already stole it from Netflix. Tomorrow morning, I'll be returning to Best Buy with the receipt, and I'm using the store credit to buy more things for myself. I'm never attempting to be giving again.
- "Yesterday Is My Day", December 2004

We went to Pizzeria Uno for dinner, where Celia told me that her former Supervisor had a heart attack. She also informed me that he was a practicing Buddhist. I think he needs to practice a bit harder. It's a sad sign of the times when Buddhists start having heart attacks.
- "Yesterday Is My Day", December 2004

Well, he looks like Beetlejuice, and he just spent 10 years in a mental institution for killing his entire family.
- "Wilhelm Screamroller", December 2004

I cannot say enough about Arrested Development. They saved the sitcom from reality-tv destruction, and put every other sitcom to shame. They have the best cast, the best storylines, and the fastest pacing of any live-action show. If you laugh hard enough, you'll miss the next 10 jokes. Sometimes I can't even laugh because I'm simply floored by the brilliance in the joke they've crafted for my entertainment. If you don't like Arrested Development, you're just not intelligent enough for the future of network sitcoms.
- "The Best & Worst Of 2004", December 2004

The Red Sox did something that had never been done before. They won 4 straight playoff games against the Yankees, and swept the Cardinals to break the longest drought in baseball history. It's almost unfair that this happened the same year that I got married, because nothing in 2005 will compare to these 2 moments in my life. Maybe if I get RE-married, and the Packers win the Super Bowl, but that's really it.
- "The Best & Worst Of 2004", December 2004

I'm making a prediction. I bet you that Scott Peterson kills himself before the state of California can do it for him.
- "Peterson Sentenced To Death", December 2004

For me, this is a trip down recent memory lane. For you, it's a chance to read what I wrote when I wrote better than I write now.
- "C.D.P. Year In Review!", December 2004

The diploma I got from them tells me that I know something about music and recording technology. I don't know if this is true or not, but I did give them a lot of money, so I'm taking the title and running with it.
- "C.D.P. Year In Review!", December 2004

I manage to blow 3 interviews in one day. At one particular interview, when asked what my biggest fault is, I respond "modesty". The interview is cut short when I become mumbling and incoherent. Everything I just said is completely true.
- "C.D.P. Year In Review!", December 2004

This is little Tanner Dakota. I'm due in late June, but you could never tell by looking at me. I've stopped smoking, eat lots of fruits and veggies, and drink lots of Tang. I consider this my little miracle, because me and Celia were on the verge of divorce before this little guy came along.
- "Fingers Touching Knees Through Holes In Ripped Jeans", December 2004

I'm not a very talented writer, but I always want to do more and try different things. Just the thought that someone would pay me even a quarter for something I wrote makes me pretty content. Thanks a million.
- "Fingers Touching Knees Through Holes In Ripped Jeans", December 2004

Mad Planet was packed with swaying bottles of Blatz, the screaming didn't let up for a second, and the Benjamins sounded as tight as they ever did, considering that they're all almost full-blown alcoholics.
- "Just Like Heaven", December 2004

Celia wakes up for work. In true supportive Husband fashion, I get up with her and watch the repulsive horror show that is "Good Morning America". Sip orange juice as Diane Sawyer tells me that our children will be dead by the afternoon thanks to terrorists. Turn to "The Today Show" and realize that sometime last year, Katie Couric became a Botox-riddled alien.
- "My Project Jacket In The Attic", December 2004

If you look at old Christmas photos taken there, you'd probably not be able to make anything out through the thick fog of cigarette smoke. Somewhere along the line, they finally realized that we were all going to be dead soon if people didn't start smoking outside. It helped make the pictures clearer, and certainly increased our life span. Old photos will also show you more of a rampant alcoholism than now. Sure, the Zeinerts will kick back a beer or glass of wine this weekend, but a picture from 1989 will show you nothing less than a yuletide can pyramid almost rivaling the decorated tree next to it. It was a sight to behold for someone as young as me at the time.
- "Worst Christmas Ever", December 2004

Now I find myself rejecting slices of cheese that may have brushed up against a sausage link, because I'm an asshole. It doesn't mean I'm not enjoying myself, though.
- "Worst Christmas Ever", December 2004

In all of my childhood photos, I just look like I need a sandwich stuffed with Ritalin. It's a shame that the majority of the pictures taken of me were when Don Majikowski was big here in Wisconsin. Was there any particular purpose for shaving lines into the side of your head? Maybe it helped him run faster into football obscurity.
- "Worst Christmas Ever", December 2004

It was never hard to make Grandma cry on Christmas. She was usually doing it before we showed up. Coming from a guy who has seen this woman in action on Christmas morning, I'm surprised she even had the energy to cry. If I had the money, I'd buy the 2 of them anything they wanted. I swear to Christ, if I won the lottery tomorrow I'd buy them a new house. Anything without steps to climb. Of course, I didn't win the lottery, so they're going to get something much smaller from me. She'll still cry about it, though.
- "Worst Christmas Ever", December 2004

It's times like this that you become very grateful for the company you keep. I've got my own life now, but on December 25th you get to step back into what you remember as a kid. The idea of tradition states that something is done symbolically every year in honor to something else. In this case, the birth of Jesus, but also the coming together of people you know and love. The notion that I can step back in time every year with the same people on the same day, and be happy, is beautiful.
- "Worst Christmas Ever", December 2004

15 years ago, I would have asked for a video game system. This year, I'm asking for a vacuum cleaner.
- "Worst Christmas Ever", December 2004

I was all set for a mental and physical crash of epic proportions in 1999, but she showed up and changed all that. We were exactly what the other needed, and she filled the passenger seat in my Buick Somerset like nobody else could. How many people can say that the entire season of Winter reminds them of their wife?
- "A Cure For Insomnia", December 2004

What happened in the last 16 years that would make me suck at a classic video game? I shake my head in disgust every time poor Samus explodes into pieces, thinking that there was a more simpler time when I could have saved her. Maybe it's because I'm married now, or that there's a war going on or something.
- "We Got A Winner!", December 2004

To me, laughter is more important than looking good.
- "Top 10 Of Everything", December 2004

I can't believe that you come here and read things that I have to say about myself. This whole thing is perverse and voyeuristic, and I'm not stopping until I have to.
- "Top 10 Of Everything", December 2004

I run a little charitable organization from my apartment called "Tails of Giving", which saves homeless and abandoned cats from a dangerous life on the streets.
- "Top 10 Of Everything", December 2004

I'll miss you.
- "Monday - January 3 - 2005", January 2005

What you need to know is that he was quite simply the most amazing person I've ever known. 'Nuff said. This week has been agonizing, and my entire family is looking forward to better times.
- "Faster Than A Shorthand Bullet", January 2005

I hope that the Macaroni and Cheese tasted like stale lies and betrayal, because I went hungry today because of what you did.
- "I Just Don't Understand", January 2005

When I met Celia, one of the first things I asked her was, "Do you believe in fate?" Now that I'm older, I don't know what I believe, but frankly it doesn't matter anymore. I got what I wanted. If it was my choice or someone elses, I'm just glad that it happened.
- "The Routine", January 2005

So come along with me. I'll open the door to my Buick and pull the seat up so you can jump in the back. Then we'll leave school and head to the practice room for cover songs and cookie dough. The space heater tends to act up a bit, so we'll all have to use blankets and friction to keep warm. Take off your mittens and press play.
- "The Routine", January 2005

It's a shame that my first movie fell through, because I really wanted to prove you could make a zero-budget college film without falling into that asinine trap of gratuity for the sake of "art". It can be done, it just needs talent without the pretention. Just because you own a gun doesn't mean that you have to shoot somebody with it, and just because you're making your own movie doesn't mean that you shouldn't be able to watch it with your Mother.
- "The Midnight Rant", January 2005

You can't put a condom on a tidal wave, but it can still prevent a disaster.
- "The Midnight Rant", January 2005

I very clearly remember her opening her eyes one night, looking directly at me, and punching me in the face. Now, that couldn't have been an accident.
- "The Midnight Rant", January 2005

Stick figures tend to put biased political slap-fights into perspective, don't they?
- "Cool Water Air Freshener", January 2005

It's best to talk about death over muffins and your favorite breakfast beverage.
- "Biggest Downer Ever (Welcome Back!)", January 2005

I decided to crunch some numbers and attach some sort of equation to my mortality.
- "Biggest Downer Ever (Welcome Back!)", January 2005

Best case scenario, I have maybe 3 years left in my life that are currently unclaimed. These bits and scraps of totally free time will be handed to me in 30-second chunks sporadically over the next 47 years.
- "Biggest Downer Ever (Welcome Back!)", January 2005

I finally got my own little name stand. It lets everyone there know what my full title is, so they can properly address me when they want me to sweep out the supply room. I'm respected!
- "January Photo Colonic", January 2005

Show me any creature under a year old that doesn't like to whiz on shag, and I'll give you a dollar.
- "January Photo Colonic", January 2005

For such pretty and mature young women, they can sure be persuasive. On their own, they can be reasoned with, even engaging in a decent conversation. Together, they become something altogether different. A roving mob bent on rampant alcoholism and destruction. I remained calm.
- "Tainted Lovespell", January 2005

Get more than 3 women together, and they become nothing short of a permission-slip-only health class.
- "Tainted Lovespell", January 2005

When I was a kid, back in '85-'86, I was sort of pale and thin. But I obviously knew how to throw a deck party!
- "Who's Going To Be The Odd Man Out?", February 2005

Luckily for me, once you're married you usually don't find yourself showing your scantily-clad body off to loved ones and co-workers. I mean, you totally can, it's just generally frowned upon, depending on your friends. 98% of the people that I now hang out with are women, and they aren't really as into the exhibitionism thing as my old male friends were. That's roughly the equivalent of winning 10 cents in the lottery. But in the grand scheme of things, pants always beats no pants. Let's move on.
- "Who's Going To Be The Odd Man Out?", February 2005

Unlike most people who have lost the will to live, I don't look at my job as a privilege. I look at my job as something I should enjoy and feel respected in. Maybe it's a mix of my age and attitude in a work field that's so dominated by middle-aged folks, but I honestly don't care what anyone around me thinks when I step into my office in the morning.
- "Who's Going To Be The Odd Man Out?", February 2005

Short hair accentuates my giant forehead, and draws lots of attention to my elfin ears. The chicks love it.
- "It's Still Summer Somewhere", February 2005

You'd almost think I'd be getting paid to do all this, but it turns out I'm just a complete dumbass.
- "It's Still Summer Somewhere", February 2005

As long as you promise to keep coming back, I'll continue to make an ass of myself for the sake of social acceptance and entertainment. Thanks.
- "You're Still Here?", February 2005

With the money they paid me to write a single review, I barely filled my car with gasoline. But check this, it was premium.
- "Mr. Electric Shock!", February 2005

I paid $22,000 for those cobs to tell me that a 6-cycle hum would make you crap your pants.
- "Mr. Electric Shock!", February 2005

They had moved from an old building, where they kept all records on paper, and didn't believe in registers and electricity. I think they were the last store in the north to finally stop accepting pelts as currency.
- "My First Job - Part I", February 2005

I could have literally shot a movie there during normal business hours, and now I really wish I would have. I was planning on calling it, "Clerks: the good version".
- "My First Job - Part I", February 2005

In the 4 years that I worked there, I became somewhat of a bartender without alcohol. I listened to people's problems, handed out advice and receipts, broke up fights and threw people out. I saw things that I never want to see again, and actually almost lost my life on more than one occasion. I never thought that so many stories that make up my personality would come from this one building when I was a teenager.
- "My First Job - Part I", February 2005

When you consider how fragile and tiny life really is, you start to consider yourself pretty lucky when you find yourself on the "not dead" side of these incidents.
- "My First Job - Part II", February 2005

Todd was a kind-but-tough man, boasting scarred arms and a black David Crosby-like 'stache. I've seen him lift hundreds of pounds and put out fires with his bare hands.
- "My First Job - Part II", February 2005

I'm sure their thinking was that as soon as they heard my dead body hit the floor, they could easily sneak out the back with little to no confrontation.
- "My First Job - Part II", February 2005

About 98% of our customers were regulars who probably wouldn't hurt anyone unless they were black.
- "My First Job - Part II", February 2005

Anticipating your own murder is really something amazing. You start to wonder if you've lived a decent enough life at the age of 18. I couldn't believe that I was going to be killed behind the counter of a gas station. I helped myself to a few free sodas and candy bars. It was the least I could do.
- "My First Job - Part II", February 2005

The next day, the headlines would read, "Ryan Zeinert paralyzes nutjob, George W. Bush drinks self to death."
- "My First Job - Part II", February 2005

Morally, I learned that life is a tiny gift that should be enjoyed as much as possible. Weather or not we're significant or holy means nothing sometimes. I also learned that it doesn't take much to go primal every now and then. I consider myself a pretty stable person, but when faced with my mortality I all but scalped the locals to stay alive.
- "My First Job - Part II", February 2005

Part 3 of 3 is on the way.

Comments:
Any quotes about Post #200 should be directed to the last one, PART 3. Thanks.
 

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