Sunday, July 17

Post #200 - Part 3 Of 3.

Here we are, the final leg of the journey. If you're just arriving here, start back at part 1 to go in order. It'll do you good.

For a split second, Chad's entire arm was on fire, oil-soaked uniform and all. I stood there, slack-jawed and bewildered, as he windmilled his arm around and batted at the flame.
- "My First Job - Part III", February 2005

Looking back, I can't believe that I never had a problem working in the vicinity of this tank. It was essentially a bomb the size of a semi trailer, and I parked my Buick next to it every morning, whistling a happy tune and never thinking for a moment that if it decided to malfunction, they wouldn't so much as find a fingernail with which to identify me with.
- "My First Job - Part III", February 2005

He didn't respond. Party because he was still stunned to the point of a solid pants-crapping, but mainly because he was now deaf.
- "My First Job - Part III", February 2005

I was passing the time by watching these driveway professionals smoke by the gas tanks and accomplish nothing in 5 hours. It was brilliant to see these people in action, and I model my work ethic after them to this day.
- "My First Job - Part III", February 2005

All I could do was shake my head in disbelief as I saw the puddle of gas inch closer and closer to the open flame. I was the only one who could see what was happening, and instead of doing anything about it, I quietly got into the fetal position behind the counter. I was wondering how much of the town would be left when the Co-Op disintegrated. I was also wondering how my family would feel about my death being honored in the Darwin Awards. I really didn't think I was going to die, but I didn't think I'd want to live once the wave of fire washed the skin from my bones.
- "My First Job - Part III", February 2005

Here's a little backstory on Chet. He has an alcohol problem, a smattering of psychological problems and an anger management problem. He represents the Holy Trinity of what a serial killer profile looks like.
- "My First Job - Part IV", February 2005

Chet lost his driver's license due to him being a filthy drunk. Always the resourceful fellow, he got into the habit of driving his lawnmower to the Co-Op with a flat trailer attached to it . I could literally hear him coming from a mile away.
- "My First Job - Part IV", February 2005

An hour later, the cops were at his house because he had filled his ditches with concrete and covered his driveway with sod. He said he did this to keep the frogs out of his garage.
- "My First Job - Part IV", February 2005

Why does responsibility always hit me after the fact?
- "My Mini-Vacation", March 2005

Distancing yourself from your problems means nothing when your biggest problem is looking at you in the mirror, and wearing your pants.
- "My Mini-Vacation", March 2005

Makes total sense, because it totally sucks.
- "My Mini-Vacation", March 2005

If I wanted to swim in a smoke-filled sea of strangers and sweat, I'd throw a party and set my house on fire.
- "The Search Is Over", March 2005

In my own personal opinion, the scariest movie ever is "Fahrenheit 9/11", and the goriest movie ever is "The Snuff Film I Made Last Year In My Basement With That One Hitchhiker".
- "The Search Is Over", March 2005

If you're looking for a witty world leader, look no further than Stalin. He could deliver a joke about airline food that would really make you think, you know?
- "The Search Is Over", March 2005

If I could marry a basketball team, I would marry the Kentucky Wildcats. In fact, I think that sort of thing is legal in Kentucky, so more power to me.
- "Duke Sucks/Adventures In Broadcasting", March 2005

The music was supposed to cue for the cheerleading squad, but through no fault of my own, something went wrong. The cheerleaders stood in the middle of the court amongst silence and tumbleweeds, waiting for something, anything to bail them out.
- "Duke Sucks/Adventures In Broadcasting", March 2005

So, there I was. This was supposed to be the coolest moment of my High School career, and all at once I was surrounded by a lot of parents and students that wanted to hurt me.
- "Duke Sucks/Adventures In Broadcasting", March 2005

Suppose you were in an accident, in which your eye was popped out of the socket. Assuming that the nerves and whatnot were still attached, would you still be able to see out of it? Would you be able to turn it around, and look yourself right in the face?
- "Chinese Sky Candy", March 2005

Last year I read a story about an off-duty cop who was in a theater next to a group of rude inbreds. He tased them, and got fired from the force. I thought it was the funniest thing I've ever seen.
- "Chinese Sky Candy", March 2005

So, who wants to murder Toby Keith?
- "Mapless In The Open Sea", March 2005

I also need to find time to keep training for this 5-mile run so my heart doesn't immediately explode once the starter's pistol fires.
- "Mapless In The Open Sea", March 2005

I hated the test pattern. Not because I wanted to watch more TV, but because it meant I was alone. I just wanted to sleep, and I was usually too afraid or too busy thinking about something to relax long enough for that to happen. I didn't have a computer in the 80's, so when TV finally bailed out on you at night, you were truly on your own. It probably doesn't make much sense to anyone else, but that test pattern was a very frightening thing to me, because it symbolized loneliness and solitude. But eventually, the Home Shopping Network came along, and then I was free to watch television until the sun came back up for another bleary-eyed day.
- "No Room For Humans", March 2005

The Pope died, which is a shame for Catholics, but Mitch Hedberg also died, which is a shame for everyone.
- "Springing Forward", April 2005

If the worst thing you do when you're drunk is play a fake Scrabble word, you know you're a pretty good kid.
- "Springing Forward", April 2005

Thank you for killing a genre with me. After resizing and pouring over these photos for the last 2 days, I can say with relative honesty that I'll never be able to look any of you in the eye again. I'm absolutely horrified with all of you.
- "I Can't Look You In The Eye", April 2005

I’m trying this new thing where I keep my fool mouth shut, and just appear cooler and sexy. It’s not really doing the trick.
- "The Rusty Taste Of Failure", April 2005

My pants immediately became more urine-stained then they were the minute before.
- "The Rusty Taste Of Failure", April 2005

The second we opened the doors, we were hit with an atmosphere of psychological warfare the likes of which I had never seen. The XM Satellite radio station was cranked to a specific station that played nothing but “Celebration” by Kool & the Gang, and the room was so cold I couldn’t help but dance. I glanced at my watch to see if the 90 minutes were over yet, as young businessmen laughed loudly and high-fived in front of a huge dry-erase board full of sales figures. I was already more than happy to give up the free tickets just to go home.
- "You're A Woman, I'm A Machine", April 2005

Bill had massive, Kip Winger-esque teeth that probably made the “ting” sound when he smiled, had it not been for the loud disco music drowning it out. His breath was minty-fresh, his handshake was firm and he knew exactly where we were coming from.
- "You're A Woman, I'm A Machine", April 2005

He looked up at us like we had sprouted extra arms and legs, and watched his commission evaporate. Five minutes later, we were clutching our free plane tickets.
- "You're A Woman, I'm A Machine", April 2005

I think it partly reminds me of High School, where I would publicly berate my giant car in front of all the fly honeys that would climb into the back of it after class.
- "A Dozen Bad Stories", April 2005

I don't know what it is about me that looks like I need to be saved, but the next person that tells me I need direction is going to be gutted with a broken whiskey bottle.
- "A Dozen Bad Stories", April 2005

It's a sad state of affairs when I get freaked out looking up cereal information late at night.
- "Double Nerd Score", April 2005

Well, this post has all the structure and coherency of a fever dream.
- "Double Nerd Score", April 2005

I'll still be out 20 bucks even if I do run the race, but it's that illusion of accomplishing your goals that keep me from eating a shotgun on a daily basis.
- "Cooler By The Lake", April 2005

Personally, any movie where Tori Spelling gets the crap beat out of her is good watching by me. In fact, there should be an entire network devoted to movies in which Tori Spelling gets the crap beat out of her.
- "Cooler By The Lake", April 2005

I wanted to explain to her that although I wished my job was more like a mockumentary, it was usually more painful and depressing. It seems ironic that I find joy in watching a show were people pretend to do my job.
- "Our Girls Were Looking So Good", April 2005

My solemn vow to never lose touch with teenage trends has faded into a sea of Sweet Corn Festivals and talk radio.
- "You're Creepy", April 2005

I used to think teenage girls were a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in Dr. Pepper lip gloss, sporting ultra-low cut pants. In honesty, young women are pretty easy to figure out. If they like you, they'll find every possible way to cross your path 20 times a day. If they don't like you, they'll still pass you 20 times a day, but they'll talk loudly about how you creep them out. Either way, you'll get the picture.
- "You're Creepy", April 2005

I have to go and massage my thighs now.
- "You're Creepy", April 2005

Coming around the corner and into Camp Randall was amazing, and I couldn't believe that I could run 5 miles without stopping to walk or die.
- "I'm Going To Puke My Pants", April 2005

My blood instantly ran cold. I had made the grim discovery that one of my ears is set higher than the other. Damn it! I'm supposed to me symmetrical!
- "Let's Pretend We Don't Exist", May 2005

I don't like the idea of a giant, flaming ball in the sky being close enough to blister your flesh.
- "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now", May 2005

I can see it now. At a pub somewhere after the Leeds Festival, knocking back pints of Guinness. Robert Smith says something snide about being a vegan, Morrissey makes a fat joke, and all of a sudden they're taking it outside.
- "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now", May 2005

I'm certainly not one of those people that craves trauma and emergency. There's nothing that makes me happier than wasting away an entire evening in front of the television with the Missus. Any happiness that I once took in making things difficult has long escaped my stranglehold of failure. Every now and then, however, I feel like I want to throw a chair through my patio door just to clean up the broken glass.
- "Motivationizal Seminizar", May 2005

Most of your life you spend fixing something that's broken.
- "Motivationizal Seminizar", May 2005

I've learned to accept that happiness comes in small packages. Happiness isn't a lifestyle. Happiness isn't a long and wonderful marriage or friendship. Happiness isn't found in a self-help book or seminar. Happiness is making five green lights and a yellow on your way to work. Happiness is petting two cats at the same time. Happiness is a cookie.
- "Motivationizal Seminizar", May 2005

The best thing about miserable weather is that eventually the sun will shine again.
- "Thunderstorm Grilling Techniques", May 2005

Weather or not it's sad to cover up ones' monetary shortcomings with fancy clothes isn't the topic of conversation right now. What matters is that my Mother always likes to see me in a new shirt.
- "I Could Beat Shaq At "Horse"", May 2005

90% of all women's stores have sizes so embarrassingly small that only a fetus with a charge card could shop there. Meanwhile, they assume that every man on the planet is 9 feet tall and weighs 1400 pounds.
- "I Could Beat Shaq At "Horse"", May 2005

I traded my books and research for an IPod and a Game Boy Advance, and it has made all the difference. Once you join the quiet ranks of the status quo, nobody's telling you to shut up anymore. My brain is placid now, silently nursing the spinal fluid from the back of my neck. Soon I won't feel a thing. By the time the US invades Iran, I won't even realize that Jeb Bush was elected President.
- "I'm Your Only Friend, I'm Not Your Only Friend", May 2005

I'm an egotistical basket case.
- "E=MC Hammer", May 2005

On the positive side, during a break between seminars, I got to experience what it sounds like when 15 people eat apples simultaneously in a silent conference room.
- "E=MC Hammer", May 2005

The humidity makes me feel as if I'm walking through broth.
- "Hired Goons", June 2005

If Tony Little can't motivate you, then you're already dead, brother.
- "Hired Goons", June 2005

I tried one of those at Dick's Sporting Goods a few months ago, and I tore my groin so badly that the assistant manager could hear it all the way over by the pool tables.
- "Hired Goons", June 2005

When it comes to crap smeared onto film, I'm your man.
- "Why Can't I Have One For Myself?", June 2005

As the tavern door shut behind the two of us, I knew there was no way that I could beat up my old man. I mean, the guy smokes like the Challenger Space Shuttle and drinks like Dan Rather during the Election, but I still think he could take me.
- "I Don't Dream Good", June 2005

I begin to spend more time with the future Missus. Knowing that she has a boyfriend, I try to keep emotional distance. Doesn't go too well. Go crazy and temporarily die.
- "Two Thousand Days And Counting", June 2005

She doesn't expect me to be perfect, but she actually believes that I could be.
- "Two Thousand Days And Counting", June 2005

I don't believe in angels, but I believe in my wife. She does all those things and more. She keeps me happy and smart; she makes my dinner and folds my laundry. She opens jars when I'm too weak. She keeps my white socks looking their whitest, and she holds me when she knows I need her to. It makes no sense to me why she hangs around, because I could never offer her all of what she gives to me.
- "Two Thousand Days And Counting", June 2005

After 200 of these little guys, I want to thank everyone for always showing up and saying hello. There's no way that I would still be doing this if is weren't for you. The next 200 posts will be better, I promise. Praise me in the comments section, and let me know what your favorite quote is.

Comments:
I like how a lot of those don't make any sense at all out of context.
 
You know it, dude. Some of them are sort of weird on their own, but there's also some life-changing nuggets of wisdom in there as well. It's worth the dig.
 
Number of times you cut yourself down = 22.
Favorite posts = "My First Job" posts.
 
I cut myself down hundreds of times, it's just that only 22 were quote-worthy.

I should do a few more "My First Job" posts. I still have many more stories to tell about that place.
 
"If I wanted to swim in a smoke-filled sea of strangers and sweat, I'd throw a party and set my house on fire."

I plan on stealing this quote every chance I get.
 
I knew that someone would find something to enjoy.

By the way, welcome back, Paste!
 
Thanks very much, it's good to be back home here on the internet.
 
You have to do a "Chicago Guitar Making Trip" post.
 
That'll be coming up soon. Fairly uneventful trip, though, and I wasn't allowed to take pics in their shop during the class. I think I've got enough stuff to wring out a blog post, though.
 
I thought that by rehashing 217 CDP quotes, I could take it easy for a few days. In reality, it took me weeks to compile all this stuff.

It's worth it though, because I know everyone will read every quote.
 
When I picked my favorite quote, I just hit the scroll wheel about four times, closed my eyes, and then pointed at the screen.
 
That's the only way to do it. In fact, you can use these quotes as sort of a "Magic 8 Ball" for any questions you may have about the complexities of life. Just ask a question, give the wheel a spin, and whatever it lands on should give you the proper insight. Try it, it's fun!
 
"Maybe tonight." What are the chances?
 
1 in 7, I believe.
 
I could have literally shot a movie there during normal business hours, and now I really wish I would have. I was planning on calling it, "Clerks: the good version".

I must have missed that one the first time you did that post! I reckon I probably didn't read it considering how many times I've heard those work stories :) Shame on me, missing out on a perfectly good opportunity to make fun of "those" movies...
 
Yeah, my least popular posts seem to have the best quotes.

The good stuff is where you'd least expect it. Like rummaging through a dumpster.
 
Food tastes better when its free and you have to dig it out of the bottom of giant pile of trash. If you're lucky it'll still be fresh, even. Relatively fresh anyway.
 
And warm.
 
Warm like joy.
 
Best quote ever.
 
I think I'm missing something.
 
I just wanted to prove that I read the whole list.
 
Bless you, kind sir. I've been holding off the new posts in an attempt to "force" people into reading more of it than they wanted to.

Celia, he was referring to one of my quotes.

Anywho, new things are on the way, bigger and better things. Big changes? Maybe.
 
Completely unrelated, but apparently the Architects are playing at the Eagle's Club in Green Bay on August 9th.

Ben and Sherry: you guys going? It's a Tuesday night.
 
Maybe more people would go to Architects shows if they updated their page every now and then. Or even HAD a page, for that matter.

Missus, are you interested?
 
Mrs. is interested.

No no, I wasn't just confused about what Paste said, I was confused about the whole sequence...dumpster food eating, warmth, joy...

See, I ALWAYS miss things! And it always looks like I'm confused by Paste guy, but it's not that...it's always a sequence and he always happens to be the last person who posted in said sequence/thread. So he always thinks that I'm thoroughly baffled by him when it really turns out to be structured communication that confuses me.
 
Wait a minute...August 9th is a TUESDAY! I reckon I can't go anywhere on a Tuesday unless I have the next day off or something...
 
I'm not following you.
 
Now I know how the Pilgrims felt.

If we can't go, we can't go. I won't lose sleep over it.

Now I have to take your amazing Tortilla Roll-Ups out of the fridge, and distribute them at the office summer picnic today.
 
Alas, I have finally confused someone! Although that was probably a joke, and now I am just left confused again.

Let me know if the roll-ups are a hit. After sampling the snouts and entrails I retract my statement about it being one of my better batches. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong...I can't made the ruddy things anymore! I'm going to have to make Erin come over next time and make them right proper.
 
I'll give you a full review this afternoon.

I liked the snouts and entrails. Mmmm...snouts.
 
I guess I don't always communicate clearly, isn't it?
 
Sure they are!
 
Once again, the weak becomes the obvious prey. Can't you lions see I'm just a baby gazelle? Leave me be!
 
What is that quote on your side bar? I don't get that either!
 
The quote on the side is a lyric from a Minus the Bear song.

Ryan, did you hear their new songs yet? Only a few more weeks...
 
I've heard "Pachuca Sunrise", "Hooray", and a couple others. I'm going to try to review it for Coreweekly, so maybe I'll get it earlier. I'll certainly keep you posted. I think it's going to be one of the better albums of '05 so far.

The Missus is a Baby Gazelle. That's an exercise machine that Tony Little made for infants. It's never too early to get in shape.
 
Everything on this blog always comes full circle back to Tony Little.
 
And I was the enabler....
 
Maybe so, but can you imagine a baby using one of those machines? Maybe with some techno music blaring? Brilliant!
 
I was picturing an actual baby gazelle on one of those...that would be grand!
 
Oooh, that changes everything.
 
You'd have to have two of them.
 
That Tony Little thought of everything, didn't he?
 
He even grows his hair long in the back, completely distracting me from that fact that he's balding in the front. Genius.

I hate him so much.
 
I wonder if he has a monkey-sized version of the Gazelle. Monkeys need to pull groin muscles, too.
 

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