Friday, September 16

Ask A Cheap-Ass Pirate.

(Ask a Cheap-Ass Pirate is a column designed to increase awareness of the Pirate lifestyle, in addition to promoting responsible spending and living within one's means. Ask A Cheap-Ass Pirate began when marauding roves of pillagers began to go hungry and poor after burying, and naturally forgetting where they placed their stolen treasure. Eventually, it was voted upon that an advice column devoted to slim living was the most optimum way to continue their horrid escapades. Those who chose to vote against this option had molten gold poured down their throats.)

(Ask a Cheap-Ass Pirate is syndicated nationwide in over 250 publications, including "Forbes", "Fortune" and "Murderer and Looter Weekly.")

By: Mutton Chop, A Pirate.

Dear Mutton Chop,

Hello there! Long time reader, first time writer. I want to start off by telling you how much I enjoy reading your column. After a long day of clipping coupons and slitting the throats of innocent civilians, I can always look forward to your home-spun wisdom.

Anyways, my question is this. Planks are so darn expensive these days. Do you have any alternative ways to execute evildoers while still remaining true to tradition. Thank you, you rock!

Plankless In the Pacific

Dear PAP,

Yaarrrr! Thank ye' for the kind wards. It makes me day.

Moving on to yar question. Ye' mustn't use the store-bought planks, nor the ones ad-varr-tised in catalogs. A simple flarr-board from the poopdeck should do the trick. If vandalizing yar own vessel isn't yar thing, a quick slice to the belly with a diamond-encrusted swarrd will work as a nice al-tar-native. That way, you can rid the warld of the weak, and save a few rupees to boot.

Dear Mr. Chop,

I'm a stock broker from Wall Street. Every day I deal with constant pressure and stress, and sometimes I can't help but take some of that stress home. This causes me to spend lots of money on extravagant things I really don't need, in an attempt to make myself feel better. Granted, trading stocks is a far cry from looting entire villages before engulfing them in flames, but I believe that the attitude and mindset is basically the same. When you're feeling down, what's the best way to cheer up, and at the same time keep yourself away from the checkbook?

Stressed In the City

Dear SIC,

Yaarrrr! I don't envy yar choice of employment. I had a white coll-arrr job once, and I hated me supervisor. An evil scourge, she was. I was fi-arred one day when I cornered her in the break room and cut her fin-garrs off one at a time. To this day, I can't eat at Long John Sil-varrs.

When I want to cool off after the sun goes dark, me and me mates engage in frugal hobbies. I have an ear collection from those who have wronged me, far example. I paid nothin' for 'em! Sometimes I mix up some Mystery Berry Kool-Aid, but I wa-tarr it down so I can quench the thirst of me entire crew. Remem-barr, hobbies arrr expensive, but interests arrr always free. Think about it.

Yo, Choppy!

I just graduated from college, and I have a ton of student loans to pay off. I haven't found a job yet, and the looting and pillaging have been low since my roommate moved out. I can't move back in with my parents, because they would lynch me in the public square for shaming them. What can I do to get through this rough patch?

Broke like a cheap Joke

Dear BJ,

Yaarrrr! Congrats on seceding from the union. Or, in yarr case, getting out of yarr parent's basement and getting a degree. I raise me blood-stained sword to thee.

My parents are dead, so I don't have much of a place to hang me head should I fail. It's my fault, though, because I killed em' meself. They de-sarr-ved it, though, always telling me that I had to finish my vegetables before I could watch Press Your Luck. My Mother was a whore, she was!

In conclusion, you should kill yarr parents, hollow them out, and live inside of them until the loan sharrrks get off ye' back. That's what I did.

(Got a question for Mutton Chop? Send it to

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dear Mutton Chop,

I recently told a woman that I loved her and she replied the same, but the next day she told me that she didn't know what she was saying the previous night. How should I react? Should I cut her head off and hang it from my ceiling, or just cry alone in my room listening to The Cure?
Mr. Chop does not respond to inquiries unless they have to do with saving money or Piracy.

Sounds like you're either getting toyed with, or she changed her mind. Either way, give it some time and space, and approach the situation again when you feel more comfortable and less led by your emotions.

It's a terrible feeling.
Come on now. I think that pirate should give advice on anything and everything. Just stick an 'ARR' in there every couple of lines. It's comedic genius.
On a related note, Talk Like a Pirate Day is on Monday.
I know we usually bury the treasure, but this time why don't we use it to buy things? You know, things we like.
Best....advice column....ever.
They always bury the treasure. Why IS that?

I think that Mutton Chop may expand into relationship advice if the "thrifty pirate" comedy well runs dry. So that means never, then.

I will be telling my co-workers about (and celebrating) Talk Like A Pirate Day on Monday.
Did anonymous say something bad? Aren't you at work?
The first two comments were BLAM!

Why do you ask if I'm at work, mysterious stranger?
Because I would kick your butt if you weren't. Does that help?
I don't like these threats.

Yeah, I'm at work until 4:30, then me and the Missus are going to see what plans we want to make for the weekend.
Possibly coming to see anonymous and her daughter?
We'll be there on Saturday. Tonight we're on the home stretch of our "Lost" marathon.
Haha. Talk like a pirate day... I actually remember celebrating it for like 2 years running!

I once thought that sailing the seven seas would lead me to awesome amounts of plunder and booty.... *sigh* But instead it makes you a financial advocate? What's this world coming to?

Music and movies are getting so expensive these days. Are their any pirate techniques for reducing my entertainment budget?
I do know the difference between "their" and "there."
Yaarrrr! Ye' came to the right place. Just PIRATE thy goods! Steal it, burn it and leave the in-darr-stry to eat itself alive! They de-sarrr-ve it, for giving us such sub-paarrrrr en-tarr-tainment!

By thee way, I also know thy difference between "tharr" and "tharrr". "Tharrr" has an extra "arrr" in it.

Happy sailing!
Oh, how I hate the Arrrrrr-IAA.
i laughed, i snorted, i left
I think maybe Mutton Chop needs his own blog.
Do it.
I have a feeling that Mutton Chop will be sticking around for a while.

Mutton Chop is way cooler. He helps you save money without giving up your lifestyle. Name one other Pirate who does the same!

Lost is going to sweep the Emmy's tonight.
Dammit! I have to write this all over again!
Anyway, this has nothing to do with pirates or the like. The audition results are in! We did a blind audition- we all entered a room one by one with absolutely not saying a word to the director, who sat facing the opposite wall behind a very large piano. After we all had auditioned, the director came out of the room and said while laughing "I hate you guys!". We all filed into the room where we had just auditioned. He said that that he based his decision on just one thing- how one person had crescendoed through each sequence in the main phrase. He said the third person was the one who done this the best. He made it clear that it had been a tough decision and that each of us had made an equal number of mistakes.
I, however, was not the third person to audition, neither was Stefanie Kircher (the one who gave me the silent treatment); the third person to audition was Stephany McCabe. I wasn't that upset at the time, and I was happy for her, until she played the solo about an hour later in wind symphony. Not only was her tone a thin and quite unbearable, but she was severly out-of-tune during the majority of the solo. Now I'm a little bit upset; it just sucks that I know I can stay in tune with the rest of the symphony and I know that my tone is ten times better than hers. Here's my point: when someone gets a solo and they play it for the first time, the rest of those that competed for the solo should understand why that person got the solo and wish that they could play the solo that well. This was surely not the case... at all.. really NOT AT ALL.
This was the only way this could have ended without you two fighting with each other. Now you two can just talk about the third person behind her back, as is the custom with the ladies.

Don't hate me for saying this, but it could not have turned out any better. After dropping the ball like he did, the director almost HAD to give the part to person #3. Chalk it up to karma, and move on.
I just called down to Dan's, and found out there's a note there saying that Nikki and I have to talk to Dan to get our paychecks. Nikki already did, and got paid. I think I'm going in there tomorrow morning. If I go missing, assume that Dan has killed me, and file the appropriate reports.
He'll probably feed me to the lemurs.
RJ, you know that Dan's a jerk. Expect him to use every tactic in the book to scare/threaten you into making some sort of confession or deal with him.

You're somewhat of a cop, so I'm assuming you're used to this sort of thing. Stand firm, say nothing incriminating, take your check and never come back. It's like dealing with Timeshare salesmen.
My word, that's the definition of karma in the other Stephany getting the part!

Lesson learned: never raise a fuss about anything. It only bites you in the butt.
Yeah, it's better that way. That'll teach you, Sherry.

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

Rocking the boat will only succeed in flipping the boat over, resulting in wet pants and no flute solo. My Dad used to tell me that all the time.
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