Saturday, September 10

The CDP Fall TV Preview.

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Don't know what shows to check out this fall? Here's a rundown of what the CDP will be watching. The TiVo will be smoldering every night during that all-important prime-time hour (7-10pm), and your best bets are right hither.

NOTE: Friends, family and work will do nothing but get between you and your precious television, so don't let them tell you otherwise. If they got the chance, they would kidnap and murder your TV just as soon as look at you. Protect and nurture your television. After all, look at all the wonderful things it has done for you. The moon landing, Lee Harvey Oswald, Cop Rock. It's your only true friend, and it will never leave you for another. Keep it dusted and shiny, free of fingerprints and CBS. Love your TV like it loves you, and never let it go, not even for a second.

(The selected shows are mostly milked directly from the 6-network teat, with one or two cable shows sprinkled within. All times central.)

MONDAY.

7:00 - Arrested Development (FOX) (Starts 9/19)
8:00 - Monday Night Football (ABC) (Starts 9/12)
9:00 - Cheap Seats (ESPNC) (Starts 9/19)
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You have to hand it to FOX. They're not making too much money with Arrested Development, but after an Emmy win and a rabid fan base, they're giving it the lead-off spot on Monday night. Season 3 will pick up right where season 2 left off: complete freakin' chaos. This is the smartest, funniest, most well-written 30 minutes on TV; certainly the best since Seinfeld. If the cast of Arrested Development did a cameo appearance on the island with the cast of Lost, my brain would explode.

Al Michaels and John "Complete Drunk" Madden return for the 94th season of Monday Night Football. The fact that they air this at 8pm means that it always runs until midnight, so it's sort of a pain to have a Packer game on a Monday night. Fortunately, nobody cares but me.

Saying that Cheap Seats is the most popular show on ESPN Classic isn't really saying much. In fact, a lot of you are saying, "Do I even get ESPN Classic? Does it really exist?" All you need to know about Cheap Seats is that it's like Mystery Science Theater 3000 with bad sports programming instead of bad sci-fi movies. After a shaky second season (which featured a terribly unfunny live studio audience), the Sklar brothers return to mock sporting events like the Scrabble championships, spelling bees and arm-wrestling tournaments. It's funny, it really is.

TUESDAY.

7:00 - Cops (COURT) (Starts 9/13)
8:00 - House (FOX) (Starts 9/13)
8:00 - My Name Is Earl (NBC) (Starts 9/20)
8:00 - Supernatural (WB) (Starts 9/13)
8:30 - The Office (NBC) (Starts 9/20)

9:00 - Seinfeld (TBS) (Starts 9/13)
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Put on your favorite mustard-stained wife beater and settle in with an hour of Cops at 7. These are just reruns, but it's really the best thing going for that time slot.

House returns for a second season of being an ass and saving people's lives. Hugh Laurie was nominated for a Best Actor Emmy, and I think he totally deserves it. If anything, for that convincing American accent. House left us last season with the return of his former fiancee', which will no doubt give us some sexy results. Apart from that, this is a good show to jump right in to, because you don't have to really catch up on anything important. If you haven't seen this show yet, now is a really good time.

Going up against House at 8pm is My Name Is Earl, starring Jason Lee. This may or may not suck, but I'm willing to give this brand new series a shot, because I enjoy the work of Jason Lee. Through a stroke of good fortune, loser Earl decides to repent for all the bad things he's done over the years. Hilarity ensues.

Another new show that's competing against House is Supernatural. The CDP has never watched anything on the WB before, but this ghost-hunting, X-Files-esque drama actually looked pretty scary from the previews. If you can only choose one show, however, watch House.

Once again, The Office comes in at 8:30, when most of us will still be watching House. If you're not aware of the American re-make of this British series, don't bother watching it, because you won't find it funny. I'm sure there are plenty of things on CBS right now that you'll find knee-slappingly hilarious. The American version stands perfectly well by itself, and is a shining example that American comedies are starting to catch up (rip off) to the Brits.

Your best bet at 9pm is an hour of Seinfeld on TBS. This was the funniest non-animated show ever, and I can only see Arrested Development even coming close to de-throning it. You'll be amazed at how current and funny it still is.

WEDNESDAY.

7:00 - That 70's Show (FOX) (Starts 11/2)
8:00 - Mythbusters (DISC) (Starts 10/5)
8:00 - Lost (ABC) (Starts 9/21)

9:00 - Invasion (ABC) (Starts 9/21)
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I am completely and totally convinced that the new season of That 70's Show will suck out loud. Why wouldn't it? The last two seasons were awful, and with Topher Grace gone we're left with nothing but a funny accent to generate laughs. However, I continue to watch this show because it showed so much promise in the first few years on the air. Besides, any time that Tommy Chong can find acting work makes me happy.

Mythbusters is the best show on cable television, and this season might be their destruction. Why? Well, most of the people who watch Mythbusters watch Lost. Now that Lost is being bumped up an hour to 8pm, most people will gladly choose against Adam & Jamie. Nonetheless, Mythbusters is a show where they scientifically test out popular Urban Legends to see if they could actually hold up in reality. I go out of my way to tell everyone I know about this show, so check it out, and don't be afraid to be entertained by science and folklore.

The addictive, completely out of control ratings explosion that is LOST returns with a new time slot, and about a million unanswered questions. My next post will be devoted completely to this show, so I'll save the obsessive analysis until then.

Due to the massive popularity of Lost, there have been a lot more "supernatural" shows hitting the airwaves this season. One such knock-off is Invasion. This show takes place in the aftermath of a hurricane, so ABC hasn't been airing previews for this show anymore out of respect for the victims of hurricane Katrina. After the storm hits, things start to happen, and the brain-sucking aliens come out of the woodwork, or something to that effect. Personally, I'm not incredibly interested but I'll give it a shot, because I didn't think I would be interested in Lost, either.

THURSDAY.

7:00 - Not The O.C. (FOX) (Starts 9/15)
8:00 - Night Stalker (ABC) (Starts 9/29)

9:00 - Cheap Seats (ESPNC) (Starts 9/15)
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Kick off your Thursday night by not checking out the new season of The O.C. If you want action, romance and plot-twists galore, then I strongly recommend not watching this huge FOX hit. Last season left us with a lot of cliff-hangers, so not watching the premiere is certainly a must. If you want to catch up, I suggest you not purchase the DVDs.

Once again hoping to cash in with the success of Lost, ABC gives us yet another supernatural, ghost-hunting thriller. I think the only show Night Stalker is up against is WWE Smackdown! on UPN, so maybe it will drawn in some viewers who have nothing better to do. Like myself.

If you're into the new season of Cheap Seats (Monday), finish off Thursday night with an hour of said show's reruns. See what you missed, and go to bed knowing that watching ESPN Classic at 9pm does NOT make you the most depressing human being on the planet.

FRIDAY.

7:00 - Bernie Mac (FOX) (Starts 9/23)
7:30 - Malcolm In The Middle (FOX) (Starts 9/23)
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Teetering on the brink of cancellation for a year now, Bernie Mac returns through nothing short of a miracle. Will it recapture the intelligence of the first season, or will it become as stale and unfunny as the second season? Only the lord Jesus Christ knows for sure; and so will you if you watch it.

Malcolm in the Middle is the most underrated comedy on television. Every week now for 6 years, they throw everything in the book at you, complete with an amazing cast, Seinfeld-esque plots and absurd climaxes. No matter how weird things get on this show, it all seems possible, due to the strong acting and unflinching seriousness portrayed by the cast. I'm glad that it was finally separated from the "Animation Domination" lineup, where it can be appreciated by a different, more intelligent audience. People have always said that Malcolm was like a live-action Simpsons, and I can definitely see that.

After Malcolm, the airwaves turn into an all-night crapfest. Go out with friends or drink in the corner alone, just do something that gets you away from the television. I won't tell you what me and the Missus do together on Friday nights, but let's just say that it involves sleeping. Actually, we just sleep.

SATURDAY.

7:00 - Cops (FOX) (Starts 9/17)
8:00 - OPEN
10:30 - Saturday Night Live (NBC) (Starts 9/17)
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For their 17th straight season, Cops takes you back into the crack-whore infested nooks of America, emerging with great television to boot. The city of Madison was very excited to hear that Cops would be filming here this fall, but the deal fell through at the last minute. Nevertheless, this is a great time to see places and faces that make you happy to not be an addict. The best episode last season was "Tazed & Confused", which featured takedowns that all ended with someone getting tazed. Brilliant.

From 8 to 10:30, step away from the TV, go to the bathroom, put on a clean shirt and enjoy the evening. Drink a box of wine, kill a bum, anything that gets you out in the beautiful autumn weather. You won't miss anything on TV, I promise.

Saturday Night Live is back, and that's always a good thing. No matter how bad it gets, you'll still watch it. When I was younger, I was voted "Most Likely to Host SNL One Day." This will probably never happen, but I was admittedly a lot funnier in the 4th Grade. Hey, if Nancy Kerrigan can do it, I sure as hell can.

SUNDAY.

6:00 - America's Funniest Home Videos (ABC) (Starts 10/2)
6:30 - King Of The Hill (FOX) (Starts 9/18)
7:00 - Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC) (Starts 9/25)
7:00 - The Simpsons (FOX) (Starts 9/11)
8:00 - Family Guy (FOX) (Starts 9/11)
8:30 - American Dad (FOX) (Starts 9/11)
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(This picture is so funny, I used it twice.)

Start your night off early with the 14th year of watching grown men getting racked in the groin with baseball bats. I don't care what humor level you function at, AFV always makes me tear up with laughter. It's the idea of catching people at their most vulnerable, exposing their weaknesses, and having them be okay with it that really make me enjoy it.

King of the Hill is like a Golden Retriever. Loyal, dependable and always there when you need it. For a while, King of the Hill was consistently funnier than the Simpsons, priding itself on an animated show that could be shot live action with little to no changes. The anti-cartoon, if you will. Mike Judge is a genius, and he shows that with incredible subtle dignity on this show.

Ty Pennington is contractually obligated to take his shirt off every week on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Watch as him and his crew of whining crybabies build an amazingly beautiful home for someone who will be dead in six months anyways. Nah, I'm just kidding, I really like this show. Mainly because they really do build some great houses. Every time I'm done watching it, I always spend hundreds of dollars at Sears for some reason.

The Simpsons is a new animated series in the vein of Family Guy. It'll never last.

Family Guy & American Dad round out the evening, although I personally will not be watching either of them. They do exist, however, so they're there if you want them.

Now, shut off the TV and go to bed; you've earned it. An entire week wasted.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Serious Concerns? Sound off in the comments section.

NEXT TIME:
LOST
SEASON TWO PREVIEW.

Comments:
I picked up Lost Season 1 yesterday with all the previously discussed discounts... I'm gonna try to watch every episode before Season 2 starts, but I'm not sure if there'll be time.

A few comments:
The Office on NBC is funny, the pilot suffered greatly because it was based on the BBC version pilot, which didn't quite fit right. I Tivo'd it, and watched each episode a couple times.

I almost hate to admit it publicly, but UPN has a winner with Veronica Mars. Sadly, I think it's airing opposite Lost, which means I need to buy a second tivo, use a VHS vcr [shudder], or actually watch one show while it is being aired. One thing it has going for it is the continuing storyline throughout the season, yet each episode has enough stuff to entertain those that haven't watched all season.

Another one I sort of hate to admit to liking is Desperate Housewives. The promos have very little to do with the actual show. Good character development, original suspenseful plot twists, and a story that spans the entire season.

I can't watch Family Guy or American Dad, either. I just can't.

I gotta update my Tivo season passes before all the new shows start next week.
 
The Simpsons starts tonight!

You'll have plenty of time to re-watch Lost. We watched the first 5 again last night. They're about 40 minutes a pop. The extras are good, too. I especially like when they interview the actor who plays Jin, and he speaks perfect English.

Even cooler is when they interview Naveen Andrews (Sayid), and he speaks with a thick British accent.

You're going to like my Season 2 preview this week. Someone has to.

While I don't watch Veronica Mars and Desperate Housewives, I actually did hear good things about them. I'll take your word for it.

Speaking of Desperate Housewives, that main cast makes almost $200,000 an episode. The cast of Lost? About $32,000 each. I feel a strike coming on if the second season is a big hit, which it certainly will be.

Although I don't even make $32,000 in a year and it's an insane amount of money to make for 42 minutes of airtime a week, they deserve it more than any other cast on TV. At least give Locke a raise.
 
The thing about Lost is that they can kill anyone at the drop of a hat without really damaging the show too much, except I suppose for Jack or Kate. Plus DH has fewer characters. Last year Housewives was in danger of overexposing itself to death with talk show appearances and whatnot.

Another show you'd probably like is 24, which won't start Season 5 till January... Plenty of time to catch up (watch in order if you decide to). I credit them with leading the way for shows with stories that run throughout the whole season, the ones where you can't miss an episode. It's nice to see story making its way back to TV.

Oh man, I had no idea the Simpsons premiere was tonight, thanks for the heads up.
 
The Simpsons is the only thing worth watching on FOX tonight. What was once a solid evening of Quality FOX Programming has fizzled into Sunday Night Crap-O-Rama.

King of the Hill is stuck in the dreaded "Futurama" slot, which always gets bumped because of football. Speaking of which, go Packers!

I watched 24 for the first season, but it rubbed me the wrong way. Sorry about that, although I know a lot of people who just love it. I agree with you concerning the "season-long" story lines, though. It's good to see shows that reward intelligence and punish casual viewers.

Lost works because of that "kill anyone" perspective. Every week, you have absolutely no idea what's going to happen, and anything they throw at you always makes sense for some reason.

Who's dead by the end of Season 2? I'll let you know in my next post. Oooh, a cliffhanger blog comment!
 
I think you told me that before about 24, I'm sorry to bring it up.

Punishing casual viewers, that's what I love about TV.

I just watched an episode of Lost I hadn't seen... I started watching it the first time they started doing reruns several episodes in, and apparently they skipped some when they did that. Dirty rotten so and so's. It's a good thing you told me to buy those DVD's. Funny thing is I had the pirated ones but never watched them, just gave them to friends.
 
Oh yeah, you gotta watch all those Lost episodes in order before the 21st. They're going to do a little recap episode before the premiere, but in order to really get a feel for all the crap that went down, you should treat yourself to a marathon.
 
I thought I had seen them all, that really bugs me. I feel so betrayed by TV. I will treat myself to a marathon.
 
Make sure that you do. Once you watch them back after knowing how the season ends, a lot more things start to click into place and make sense.

Now I have to go to work. Perhaps I'll have time to work on my next post while on the clock. Or maybe I'll just use my free time to do crosswords and weep openly. Time will tell.
 
Openly is the best kind of weeping.

Yeah, I did start noticing a lot of little things. On that third episode that I just watched for the first time, they do that menacing shot of Locke at the end, and I couldn't figure out why. It's almost like they want me to have to watch the next episode or something.
 
The Locke-centric episodes are the best, because I have absolutely no idea what his angle is right now. The Missus has him all figured out, or at least that's what she says, but I'm still mystified as to what he's up to.

In the pilot episode, when he smiles at Kate with the orange in his mouth, that's about the weirdest and funniest thing I've ever seen in a TV drama.
 
We will NOT be watching Invasion under any circumstance. Just wanted to get that straight right away.

Last night's episode of the Simpsons was horrible. I never want to see it again. All I have to say is "You bumped King of the Hill for THIS???"
 
I will NOT be watching Invasion under any circumstance. I got that straight right away.

(I'm a zombie! Quick, shoot me in the head!)

Yeah, that was one of the worst episodes of the Simpsons I've ever seen. And that's saying a lot.
 
There's something to be said for going out on a high note. That's why I have to admire shows like The Office (BBC version) that only went for two 6-episode seasons and an extended Christmas special and then ended it. I read that Ricky Gervais could have named his price to do another season.

His new show Extras is really funny, though different from The Office. I illegally downloaded it, like a pirate would do if pirates had computers. It'll air on HBO this season.
 
I heard about "Extras", it seemed interesting. I also heard that they wanted to give him an obscene amount of money for another season of the Office. Ricky is an interesting guy, he truly seems motivated by humor and creativity, instead of cash. That being said, he has a bundle of it anyhow.

With the Simpsons, it's gotten to a point where the episodes don't even matter anymore. It's just about how long they can go and live on the legacy they built since 1988. I thought that the 16th season was truly their funniest season in a very long time, but even that isn't enough to break new ground.

The chalkboard gag last night was "Do kids even do this anymore?", and I thought it was very indicative of the future of this show.
 
Last night, I kept thinking that it was almost the same plot as when Marge almost has an affair with the bowling instructor.

My guess is they're going to beat out Gunsmoke for longest running show and then quit.
 
You kids should really get outside and play in the sun.
 
That doesn't make any sense to me at all. Tivo is inside.
 
I got to talk to 2 deputies tonight.. apparently, someone let out the deer at Dan's, and I'm being looked at as a suspect. ...and they did find out about the receipts already. They also questioned me about my car, making me think that someone said they saw my car parked on Bison Rd. Obviously, it wasn't me. They took the lock into evidence, and will be fingerprinting it, which should clear me.
Just goes to show, Dan will try to screw you in the end.

Bring the TiVo outside. You've got an extension cord, don't you?
 
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That was the nerdiest rant ever.

(kidding)
 
(Sherry's quote has been edited for your protection. Watch the expletives, yo. I'm trying to heep it PG.)

This has nothing to do with TV. But, I'm mad, and there's nothing more soothing than ranting. I'm mad because I made principal chair in Wind Symphony... with two other flutists (that's right, we are tri-principal). Let me tell you why there are three principal flutists in Wind Symphony: because my silly band director has no silly scruples!

I'm also mad because we are playing Star Wars, and Princess Leia's theme is one of the movements (huge-ass beautiful flute solo). I'm mad because: who gets to play the flute solo that means so much to me?--- that's right.. not me! Who better to play Princess Leia's theme than a girl who is into Star Wars and who made her own Princess Leia costume! That's what I thought too-- I got totally screwed out of that solo by my band director.

So when I asked Stefanie (who got my flute solo and who also knows what it would mean to me to play it) if I could switch solos with her, guess what she said--- no! That fool... how could she do this to me? Now here's my question: do I have a silly right to be thoroughly pissed at her right now?
 
So, that's what Sherry was trying to say.

First off, I knew that Dan wouldn't let you get away with this. Even if you're not responsible for any of that other stuff, he won't rest until you get busted for something, or at least until he convinces everyone that you were a horrible employee that shouldn't be trusted. Good luck fighting the good fight, and keep me posted.

Secondly, Sherry....man, I don't know. I don't know how it works with having "three principal flutists" in a Wind Symphony, but clearly that's two too many. You may have a point there, and maybe the director has to start making some tough decisions. Are you mad because it's an illogical symphony combination, or are you just mad that you don't want to share the glory?

Concerning the Star Wars thing, however, that's totally up to the director. You probably shouldn't assign pieces to people based on significant value, and I'd bet that the band director had no idea that you cared about it so much. I don't think this director is trying to sabotage you, but they're probably a little stupid, based on what you tell me. Sadly, we all have to deal with these sorts of people on a daily basis. They're called "supervisors".

Finally (I made this reply a trilogy, did you notice?), asking someone to switch solos with you is always a gamble, and you should fully expect them to say no. After all, why would they willingly give up something they are probably really excited to play? Would you? Not so much because of the specific piece, but just because it's a neat solo?

I know you feel like you got screwed, and you sort of did, but I wouldn't blame those around you. It sounds more like karma or fate had it in for you on this one. I hope your rant made you feel a bit better, and let me know how it turns oot.
 
And finally, I know that I said "HEEP it PG", instead of "KEEP it PG." It's still early morning here, and I have a long day of screwing up ahead of me.
 
Let me tell you why there are three principal flutists in Wind Symphony: because my silly band director has no silly scruples!

That really sounds like something Sherry would say. haha.
 
I tried to remain true to her character, without censoring her too much. You get the jist of it.
 
The edited rant is much more nerdy, in the best possible way. "Silly Scruples" sounds like the name of a lounge song, maybe because it sounds similar to "Tiny Bubbles".
 
Yeah, it's dangerously nerdy any which way you toss it.

I could hear Dean Martin doing a version of "Silly Scruples".

"Squandered my gift? I made 68 albums!"
 
Hey you dick! Those F-bombs were there for an f-ing reason! I was really pissed last night!
But this morning I got an email from my band director about the Star Wars solo. He said that it was totally unfair not give all three of us a fair chance to audition for the solo, which is exactly how I felt. I know that it was a little unfair of me to ask Stefanie to switch solos, but it was unfair of her to claim the obvious huge flute solo of the semester for herself without considering it an injustice to me and the other principal flutist.
 
How did Stefanie get the solo if you guys didn't even audition for it?
 
Well, that's why Sherry's mad. It looks like it was just handed to her. You really can't do that when you have 3 principal flutists.

An audition seems fair. Either that, or just pick one person to be the damn leader already and pitch the other two back into the pool.

House is on tonight, along with Supernatural and Cheap Seats.
 
Sherry, just make sure it looks like an accident when you kill the other two principal flutists. I'm sure you don't want to go to jail again.
 
Yeah, Wisconsin has that "three strikes" rule in effect, so tread lightly.

I think you just gave me a good idea for my next screenplay.
 
And if you do go to jail, remember... it's shank or be shanked.
 
The rules are different in a female prison. I think it's "skank or be skanked."

Could you imagine Sherry in a women's prison? They would trade her for cigarettes and pass her around like currency.

She would either be killed after a week, or she would get all hardcore and organize a gang of criminal flutists.

I think my new screenplay just wrote itself a straight-to-Cinemax sequel. Get Nicole Ritchie on the phone, post haste!
 
Celia, that's why I was so mad because she got the part handed to her. It seemed almost random the way he assigned the parts.

It should be noted that ever since my band director emailed us about auditioning for that solo that Stefanie is giving me the silent treatment. She even went so far as to move away from me when I sat next to her in class today. She's the one who said that she didn't want any "drama" this semester and now she's the one dishing it out. Whatever...
 
You have to expect her to be somewhat miffed over your actions. Even though all you were basically looking for was fair treatment, you have to realize that you theoretically took that solo away from her.

She's giving you the silent treatment because you caused a fuss over something she had that you wanted. By raising this concern, you sent her the message that you deserve the solo, because you would appreciate it more and possibly do a better job with it.

That would make anyone defensive, and a little upset that now she has to compete over something that was handed to her a day ago. Now she has to prove that it belongs to her, and you have to prove that it doesn't.

Sorry hun, this is a competition now. I'm looking forward to hearing the conclusion.
 
Indeed!
 
I hope your movie idea has a plot that includes a giant Flute Off as it's climax in the story. It'll be like the flute version of Over the Top.
 
Only my movie will have more arm wrestling.

Oh man, I'm going to take some notes. This might actually be a good idea.
 
But I didn't cause a fuss! We left Wind Symphony yesterday on good terms. I was going to let her have the solo with no questions asked at that point. I didn't go to the director and ask to have an audition process! So why should I be treated this way?
 
I bet the director reads this blog, and was embarassed that you told everyone he didn't have any silly scruples.

If I were the band director, I would act like I was going to split the solo into three parts, and the one who said "No don't do it, give it to one of the other two principal flutists!" And then I would know that she loved the solo the most and deserved to be the most principal. If two girls said "No, don't do it!" I would have to start again and offer to cut it in half.

I hope you're writing this stuff down.
 
That's a good idea, Paste. Perhaps a rousing game of rock, paper, scissors will tell us what we need to know. I know if I was told that I didn't have any silly scruples, I'd be crushed.

Sherry, sometimes people (girls especially) just get cranky about stuff like that. She has her reasons, but there's probably no winning with her anyways. My guess is that she was going to get bitter eventually, so just look out for yourself and try to make things as smooth as you can without compromising your education or talent.

Look on the bright side, she'll probably be over it in a week, and you'll be the best of friends again. I understand why this would cause a temporary rift, but it will blow over soon enough.

I should start an advice column.
 
So let me get this straight... you're making a movie about Sherry in a women's prison that will go on late night Cinemax... I hadn't realized that you'd crossed into that realm of film making, but whatever toots your flute.

Pervert. I don't think Sherry would appreciate that. Give Aaron a starring role as the bitter, yet loveable warden.
 
Well, we had class together again this evening. And surprise: she sat down next to me and said that we should talk.
I should preface this by saying that I was really, really excited about the whole audition thing! Who wouldn't have been in my position? I told my band director in my email response about my Star Wars geekness and how I made a Princess Leia costume-- all because I was excited, like any Star Wars geek, Princess Leia wanna-be would be.
Anyway, Stefanie was really pissed because my band director came up to her after I had emailed him back (15 minutes before the class we had together at 12:30 today) and said that " oh! we have our own Princess Leia in the wind symphony! wouldn't that be cool if she got the solo" ... etc. Obviously she took offense to this and assumed that I had said some of those things in the email to my director on purpose to make myself seem more deserving of the solo than her-- which is totally not true. I am the most selfishless person in the world here people! She was also pissed because I had agreed to do the audition process. She said that if our positions were switched that she would've said screw the auditions and would've just been happy for me. Here's the thing- this seems like the perfect opportunity for me to shine in Wind Symphony, having never been the principal chair flutist (like the other two have). It seems like this solo was meant for me to play- given that I'm one of the principal flutists and my geekyness, etc. Why should I deny myself this opportunity, just because Stefanie got a chance to read through the solo in Wind Symphony yesterday and just because she got the solo handed to her unjustly? In my opinion, I have to be a little selfish here and audition for the solo- it seems like the fairest option for all of us.
 
To RJ - I figured that you'd be the warden. You already have the uniform and cuffs and whatnot.

This flick is heading in the wrong direction.

To Share Bear - It's good that she was mature enough to actually talk to you about why she was feeling upset. No matter what, you've got to hand that to her.

So, here's the thing. Selfish, "selfishless" or otherwise, you WANT that solo, and you're willing to play a little hardball to get it. It doesn't necessarily make you a bad person, but it does make you a competitive person (which you most certainly are). The question is, is it that important? Clearly it is, considering that you weren't willing to roll over and accept that you weren't getting it. Had it been any other solo, would you have done the same? Probably not, because this one is special to you. That's okay, it shows that you're willing to pick your battles and let other things go.

By doing this, however, you've put yourself in an uncomfortable position with Stefanie. Granted, none of this would have happened had the director just done his or her job and held an audition. Because of this gaffe, it appears as if you've spearheaded this campaign to not only get a crack at the solo, but to take it for your own. This is entirely true, but because of said gaffe, you look much more evil and underhanded than you really are.

So, they're holding auditions. One of three things will happen:

1. You'll get the solo. Stefanie will be furious that you stole it from her, but you will have a chance to shine with one of your favorite pieces of music. Could this cause a permanent rift in the friendship? Does it matter? We'll figure that out later.

2. Stefanie gets the solo, as planned. She feels vindicated, confident that the solo is officially rightfully hers. Will you be okay with this?

3. The third person gets the solo, and you and Stefanie will realize that arguing over something like this just isn't worth it. This seems like the most poetic option, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it's the right option.

When are auditions? When should I start charging a fee here?
 
I'll play the warden, under one condition... I get to have a ridiculous cop mustache.

Sherry, you should dress up as Leia when you go to the audition.. just for an extra edge.
 
Did the band director just email you out of no where saying that he felt bad and he should have offered auditions, or did you instigate the conversation by emailing him first? Just wondering.
 
You need to have a scene with Sherry sitting in the prison yard, talking to her only friend, but not making eye contact, just staring straight ahead looking off in the distance, and she says "In a way, I've had walls around me my whole life."

I get a writer credit now, right?
 
You've gotta have a moustache. It's the law. I was working on one last week, but the Missus noticed and made me shave.

Speaking of Leia, didn't you have pictures of that? And where are the pictures you took in Toronto? You have a few that I want.

Hathery, it sounds to me like Sherry voiced her opinion before the director changed his or her mind.

I'm pretty sure she instigated it, and that's why Stefanie was mad; because she should have just been "happy for her."

What would you do in a situation like this?

I'll compare it to writing. Let's say that I was one of the head writers for a magazine, along with two other people. One day, the publisher gives one of the writers (who's not me) and interview with...say, the Arcade Fire.

This writer doesn't care one way or the other who the Arcade Fire is, all he knows is that it's a good chance for him to shine in the magazine, and accepts the jorb.

This angers me for 3 reasons:

1. I would kill for that interview, and this writer doesn't view it with nearly as much importance and significance as I would.

2. The interview was handed to someone without any prior discussion as to who may have wanted it.

3. Frankly, I feel as if I'd do a better job with it.

So, it is right of me to request that the interview be given to me instead?

No. Not by a long shot. That sends the message that I feel I'm a better writer, and the person who received it will just gunk it up. It's a little arrogant, a little rude and a little selfish.

Well, is it fair that I ask for a discussion concerning who may want it more, and what ideas they would bring to the table concerning it?

Sure, but it would make my intentions crystal-clear, and it's certainly not considered being a good sport.

Personally, if this happened to me, the first thing I would do is go to the "publisher" and ask why this person got the interview with no questions asked (which is basically what you did). If they gave me a good enough reason ("I feel as if they are the best candidate for the job", "I wanted to give this writer some exposure this week") I'd be forced to let it go, but it doesn't mean I'd have to be happy about it.

I wouldn't go to the person who was assigned the interview, because they hold no bearing in the outcome. I can't override what the publisher says, and even if they did want to give the interview to me instead, it's not up to them in the end.

I would do pretty much what you did, Sherry. I would plead my case for a fair audition, drag my feet a bit and do what I could to get what I wanted. What you need to understand is that there's no shame in looking out for yourself and what you want (without turning into a complete, selfish psycho about it), but you have to expect people to do the same to you, and maybe not as tactful.

In your first post, you were ranting, raving and cursing because you were so mad at the decisions made by the director and Stefanie. You were furious because things didn't go your way, and you sort of got screwed out of something that you really wanted. You played the role of the innocent victim, and it worked splendidy.

So you flat-out asked Stefanie if you could have the solo. You went in expecting her to hand it over, which is something that you really shouldn't ask of anyone for any reason. It would have been very cool of her to do that, but you can't expect it.

You then went to the director, and asked that things be handled more fairly. It sounds to me like this isn't the first time something like this has happened, and what you asked for was fair enough. However, because you were asking to be treated fairly just you could have a crack at the solo isn't really "fair" at all. Instead of asking to be given equal opportunities, you were just looking for any way at all to get to this one solo. Had it been any other solo, you probably wouldn't have brought it up, which means that you're not really looking out for fairness at all. You want that solo, and you refuse to let it go until you have to.

Although it sounds like I'm ragging on you, I probably would have done the same thing. Again, it DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT, but it's human nature. Why WOULD you sit back and let the moment pass you by?

In doing this, though, you simply HAVE to realize that Stefanie knows what you're up to. You can't just try to take what was given to someone without a little confrontation.

In the end, it will work out the way it's supposed to. If you were fated to get the solo, it will be yours. If not, chalk it up to experience and don't lose a friend out of the deal.

I sound like Locke all of a sudden.
 
I think rants should just be enjoyed for what they are and not overanalyzed. It's fun to be irritated vicariously.

I've looked into the eye of the flute, and what I saw... was beautiful. Till she jammed the flute in my eye.
 
You're right, sometimes it's just about the rant, not the solution. Of course, us INTJ's have problems with analyzing everything. Or do we? I'll have to look that up and research it obsessively.

I bet there's an entire wind symphony in that hatch.
 
Okay, I'm sort of tired of talking about the whole thing because I have discussed this with everyone I know, even my flute teacher (who agrees with me).

Here's the thing that most of you have wrong: I didn't talk to the band director before he decided to do the audition thing. It was entirely HIS decision to do auditions.
 
Then the director should have made the right decision first, instead of putting his foot in his mouth.

You both got screwed, and should bond together to take on the man.

Where are my pictures?
 
Screw auditions, this should be settled with a flute duel to the death. Last one standing gets the solo.

You may have noticed that after a year and a half, I have finally registered. I've had enough free time at work the past few days to throw a page of my own together. I figured with my constant drunkenness, I should be able to entertain someone.
 
That's beautiful! I'll have you officially linked tonight when the new post goes up. Welcome to the Blogosphere, and keep working on that 'stache.
 
Aaron, isn't the only time you're online right now when you're at work? Thereby, meaning you'd have to be drunk at work, doing your blog instead of web designing?

Just wanted to make sure I have things straight here.
 
None of that surprises me.
 
I don't have to be drunk to tell stories about being drunk. But yes, at the moment I would either have to be at work, at the library, or at my parents' house to post. Internet and my apartment still haven't met. It might be a while for that.
 
Yea right... you know you're drunk right now.

If they have a flute duel to the death, it has to be to that song in Star Trek when Spock and Kirk are fighting... I'd like to hear that on a flute.
 
Any time there is a duel, EVER, that song should be playing.

An interesting thing I just found out...Do a Google search for "failure" and look at the first match. Now THAT is hilarious.
 
That really is horrible.

Speaking of failures, I saw a Mr. Tony Little on MadTV today. They put him on anti-depressive drugs and he died.
 
I've found that I do my best posting at work. I like to feel as if I'm getting paid to do it.

I was glad to see the President listed under "failure". For a second, I thought it would be a picture of me.

Tony Little is scoring laughs from the fact that he's Tony Little. What a way to live. When you have a list of film credits where you play "yourself", you know you're either Steve Allen or a living joke.

I like this "flute-off" concept. Perhaps this would make a better TV show than feature film. I'll get UPN on the horn.
 
Ryan-I think I'm going to start working for Core Weekly just so I can make that hypothetical Arcade Fire scenario come true. My aricle is gonna be all "the melodies float gently to our ears, as each member of the band gently diddles between one note and the note next to it for 6 minutes. One might wonder how this qualifies as music, but who cares when their is art snobbery to be had?" It's gonna be rad.
 
I think Tony Little needs a part in the movie. He can play Sherry's over-enthusiastic cell mate. He's in for making Ryan's head explode.
 
When the Missus chimes in, you can bet on things taking a turn for the mean.

Tony Little can't be in a women's prison...unless...
 
Have you tried a gazelle? The guy HAS to be a chick!
 
(refer back to previous post of Ryan pulling groin on gazelle)
 
Boy, did that hurt. I was limping around and avoiding squats for weeks.
 
Is this a new record for number of replies to a post? Or at least number of off-post replies?
 
I don't know for sure, but we must be pretty darn close. It's certainly the longest as far as text is concerned. I think that we could hit 100 (without cheating) by the end of tomorrow.
 
No new comments for 3 hours? Great, I killed the post!

And yet, no comments on the new post yet.

I got a super bright cop flashlight in the mail today. You can temporarily blind someone with this thing! Awesome!
 
Is it supposed to be used to blind people, or is it just like that naturally?

How bright can a flashlight be? Can you see into their very souls to determine if they are lying or not?
 
Ryan, next time we see you we'll have to get you some of the pictures. They aren't digital, but do you guys have a scanner?
 
Yup, we'll scan them up good.

Hey, we're up to 74. That's a new record.
 
Not digital? What is that?

RJ...mom is pissed that you took that flashlight already. It was supposed to be your birthday present. She called me trying to find out where you were and if you took the flashlight.
 
I think "not digital" means that they just sketched things that they wanted to remember visually in the future. Sherry is a brilliant care-i-kuh-chure artist.

You can get blinding police flashlights in the mail? What the hell catalog is that in?

Funnier still is that you got a flashlight for your birthday, and you were so excited that you stole it early. My Grandma buys me a new flashlight every year for Christmas, and I use them for about 23 seconds a year.

This whole thing is very humorous to me. What will happen with the flashlight? What will happen with Sherry's solo? Will we break 100 comments today? The plot thickens...
 
Flashlights are the best gifts. I had a friend who gave flashlights as gifts to the groomsmen at his wedding. Come to think of it, I think he gave me one for my birthday once, too.

I probably have eight flashlights in my house and I can't tell you the location of one of them right now. I used the little flashlight on my cell phone to work on my car last night.

The best flashlight present I got was one that strapped to my forehead. We used to go camping and mountain biking with our youth group at church, and half a dozen of us would go out riding in the woods after midnight with me in front with my headlight.

I foresee a blog post as an ode to flashlights. Maybe I shouldn't post this comment.
 
Uh-oh, I think the comments aren't working correctly right now. This could jeopardize the task at hand.

My last comment may or may not show up, but it was basically saying how flashlights are cool, yet I manage to lose every last one of them.
 
For last Christmas, I got one that doesn't need batteries. You wind it up, and it produces a concentrated halogen-esque beam. Of course, I think I lost it.

Perhaps dormant flashlights explode or disintegrate over time.
 
When the Missus chimes in, you can bet on things taking a turn for the mean.
You cannot expect me to deny myself the opportunity to take a jab at the Arcade Fire! Give me a break, beeoy.

I think you put that windy flashlight into your glovebox, didn't you? Or maybe I just thought that's what you ought to do with it.
 
If it's not already in the glove compartment, it will be when I find it. Good lookin' out, money.

Did anyone see Arcade Fire on Letterman last night? Even Dave (who's notorious for not talking with or even discussing musical acts) was clearly impressed. I bet they sell another 25,000 albums this week.
 
What's the point in having me order something for my birthday, thereby me knowing what it is, and not taking it as soon as it gets in? I work a night shift tomorrow that I could really use a flashlight on my duty belt for! It's an officer safety issue! I could see how she'd be mad if I didn't know I was getting it!

A flashlight can actually be considered a use of force... if the person can't see, it's harder for them to attack you! Or, if you have a big maglite, you can wack them in the head... although that is frowned upon nowadays. Personally, I'd prefer a taser. Unfortunately, my unit doesn't carry those.
 
Shaq helps Fla. police arrest man accused of assault

MIAMI BEACH, Fla.- NBA star Shaquille O'Neal provided an assist to police over the weekend, trailing a man who allegedly assaulted a gay couple before alerting an arresting officer.

The 7-foot-1 Miami Heat center, who is in the process of becoming a Miami Beach reserve officer, was driving on South Beach around 3 a.m. on Sunday. He saw a passenger in a car yell anti-gay slurs at the couple, who were walking, said Bobby Hernandez, a spokesman for the Miami Beach Police Department.

The man then got out of the car and threw a bottle, hitting one of the pedestrians, who was not seriously hurt. The man got back in the car, which sped off. O'Neal followed, flagging down an officer who made an arrest, Hernandez said.

Michael Gonzalez, 18, was arrested on charges of aggravated assault and assault with a deadly weapon. The driver of the car was not charged.

O'Neal, who hopes to be a police chief or county sheriff one day, was already being fitted for his Miami Beach police uniform before he helped the police out.

"For this incident I don't want to be credited as an individual who does police work," O'Neal said in a statement. "I want to be credited as a Miami Beach police officer."
 
Mr.Burns: (To Homer)One more thing...You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon!

Smithers: Actually sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment.

Mr.Burns: And the road maps, and the driving gloves?!

Smithers: Yes, sir.

Mr.Burns:Then its all falling into place!
 
"Capital!"

I saw that thing about Shaq. How cool. He'd be a pretty imposing cop.

One question though. Why was he driving around South Beach at 3 in the morning?

Because he's Shaq, that's why.
 
86 comments and counting. Can we hit triple-digits before 6pm?

No. No we can't.
 
Did anyone see Arcade Fire on Letterman last night? Even Dave (who's notorious for not talking with or even discussing musical acts) was clearly impressed.

Yeah, impressed at how lousy there were.

This is WAY too easy!
 
Screw you guys. Leemee alone.
 
I've never even heard the Arcade Fire. They probably suck.

Did you ever end up making it over to Dan's last weekend?
 
No sir, but I think we might stop there this weekend. From what I can tell (from you), the receipts aren't altered anymore, but at least I can survey the carnage for myself.

I'll get some $2.89 gasohol, one of those deer-fur hats and I'll hit the road again.
 
Deer-fur? I think those hats were made of fricken cougar or something.
 
Rat-fur, I'm pretty sure it's rat-fur.

Thanks for keeping this thread alive. Just a few more to go!
 
I think it's 100% Dan-fur, actually.
 
That's why it's so expensive. He posesses a level 5, or "Robin Williams" amount of body hair. I can't exactly tell you why I know that, but it makes for a well-insulated cap.
 
See, that is just the type of thing that I don't think is even remotely funny. It just makes me barf.
 
It sure beats insulting people, although that's pretty fun too.

Fur caps suck no matter what specific fur is atop them.

Who will be the 100th commenter?
 
Apparently Sharon at Dan's thinks I should be arrested. She claims to still be finding things I did to the register... funny, as the only things I did were the receipt and making the pumps shut off, so as to avoid causing drive-offs. She told mom and dad today that, and thinks I did enough that I should be arrested for something. I did nothing criminally wrong. Nor was it morally wrong. Screwing Dan out of a few grand is well within my morals.

If the hundredth poster simply states that "this is the 100th post", I'll go on a bloody, murderous, pirate inspired rampage. I swear it.

In brighter news, I went to Perkin's with a few officers tonight. In uniform. When we got our receipt (from a very cute waitress that was very friendly to us cops), it said at the bottom "Police Discount, 50%". 50% off for eating there in uniform! Whoa!
 
I think the hundredth post should be Hathery saying that Arcade Fire sucks.
 
Oooh, I police discount. Maybe the Perkins that you went to was severely below legal health standards, and they were buttering you up. Either way, you gotta enjoy that.

I don't think that you'll get arrested, but I'm telling you, they aren't going to let this go for a long time. I'll stop there today and see if I can't get an inside scoop.

My best advice is to finally grow that authentic cop moustache (I can't believe that I'm friends with a damn cop), change your name to Habib, and start working at the Citgo by Breezewood Country Club.

Crap, as much as it tears me up inside, I guess it's only fitting that the Missus gets the last word. It's gotten me this far.
 
I hope this doesn't show up twice...

This is the one hundreth post!

Arcade Fire sucks!

Let the pirate rampage begin!
 
I love it when a plan comes together.
 
Arrr!!!!!! I'll hook you in the eye, Hathery! Then give you scurvies! Yar!!!!
 
I think we're done here. Good times.
 
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