Sunday, October 16

Ask A Cheap-Ass Pirate. (Volume 2)

(Ask a Cheap-Ass Pirate is a column designed to increase awareness of the Pirate lifestyle, in addition to promoting responsible spending and living within one's means. Ask A Cheap-Ass Pirate began when marauding roves of pillagers began to go hungry and poor after burying, and naturally forgetting where they placed their stolen treasure. Eventually, it was voted upon that an advice column devoted to slim living was the most optimum way to continue their horrid escapades. Those who chose to vote against this option had molten gold poured down their throats.)

(Ask a Cheap-Ass Pirate is syndicated nationwide in over 250 publications, including "Forbes", "Fortune" and "Murderer and Looter Weekly.")


By: Mutton Chop, A Pirate.

Dear Mutton Chop,

Good day! I'm writing to you from the high seas of the Mediterranean, where me and my crew have been drifting aimlessly for weeks. You see, we lost our map when a storm kicked up and sent half of my men overboard. Since then, we've been eating deck rats and amputating infected limbs to survive. Things have been rough, but I wanted to let you know that your column always cheers me up.

My question is this. What's the cheapest way to start a rubber stamp collection?

Stamping With Scurvy

Dear SWS,

Yaarrrr! First off, I want to wish you the best of luck taming thar high seas. I know it can be be brutal, so take it one day at a time, and make sure to wash yarr hands peri-arrr-dically. It'll save you in the end.

Rubb-arrr stampin' is a tried and true hobby of mine. I starrrted when I was nary a wee swashbuckler. I found the best way to get on the train is to make them from scratch. Some wood from thar poopdeck will make a good base, and you can make a crude rubber out of plank tar and boiled fat from thee infected limbs. Be creative! Anything goes when yarrr stampin' without a map.

Yo, MC!

This is ya' homeboy Kool-Aid, comin' at ya' from East L.A., yo! I gots a question for ya' pirate ass, just let me put my glasses on, fool.

I recently procured a large amount of US currency, mostly through illegal and murder-like activity. What's the best way to clean the money, and temporarily store it for safe keeping?

All the best,
Kool-Aid

Dear Kool-Aid,

Yaarrrr! I want to starrrt off by tellin' me readers that I don't choose the lett-arrs I respond to. I want to let yee know that I in no way support racism and inequality amongst thar races. Furthermarrr, I want to express that if this indeed was a fictional let-arrr, I would not find it funny. This kind of hum-arrr is old and unoriginal. Now if I may, I have an advice column about thrifty Pirate living to manage.

Cleaning and laund-arrr-ing money is what us Pirates do best. We have found the best way to enjoy yarr newfound booty is to bury it, never to be seen again. Hundreds of years from now, someone else will discover it, and become rich and famous.

On a completely unrelated topic, I wonder why us Pirates are a dying breed. Thanks for writing!


Note From The CDP:

(And so concludes the single stupidest thing I've ever posted. I mean, I could literally feel myself getting dumber as I thought of different ways to make this Pirate answer these questions. With an Internet gimmick like this, I can almost assure myself employment with the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. It's seriously that bad. I only put it up for two reasons. 1, to tell you that I was never going to do another horrid Mutton Chop column ever again, and 2, I am capable of some of the dumbest writing this side of a 15-year old girl's diary. Some people will honestly do anything for hits and traffic, and I'm no better. I hate myself, and it will never happen again.)

COMING UP NEXT: Ask A Cheap-Ass Pirate (Volume 3).

Comments:
Kool-Aid man...heh heh. He was soooo round.
 
Stop keel-hauling yourself, it's certainly not at Leno levels of bad.

You're from Madison, right? I just saw that my favorite songwriter Bill Mallonee is playing at Mother Fool's Coffeehouse on Saturday (oct 22). I think it's just him and his guitar on this tour. Good hang-on-every-word type performer, kind of Dylan-ish stuff if you're into that sort of thing. He used to go by the band name Vigilantes of Love if you've ever heard of them.

You just got BLAM'd!
 
When you get BLAM!d by the trusted members, it's the little ones who suffer. Like my cats.

The name Vigilantes of Love rings a bell in my head. Missus, do you know anything about them? We may have to check it 'oot.

On a separate topic, do you remember Scorch, Kool-Aid Man's nemesis? He was scary.
 
You need to give Mutton Chop his own blog, profile and all. Then you don't even have to be directly connected with it.
 
That's a good point, I want to get as far away from this guy as possible.
 
You can't hide from Mutton Chop.
 
What sort of evil have I unleashed?
 
Nope, I'm not familiar with the band. Maybe there are some Mp3's online and we can give it a listen.
 
See if I can get the link thing to work... I posted some mp3's. The ones on the official site are full band and not that great IMO. These are more representative of what you'd hear at a solo show.

Songwriter (Numb)

Punk Rock's Dead

You may hate it, or hate his voice or whatever... I just figured, it was in Madison so I thought I'd mention it.
 
Also meant to add...

This is never why you strike a deal with a pirate.
 
Rather, this is why you never strike a deal with a pirate. It's all this salty sea air that makes my brain crazy.
 
You're right, now this guy's going to haunt me, making my life miserable until I finally break down and murder him.

Wow, I never thought I'd be saying that again.
 
I'll only leave you for David Carr is he agrees to smile widely at all times, and maybe even wear his helmet most of the time.
 
"No David...keep the helmet on."

David Carr's a weiner.

That's why the Texans are 0-5. Never mind the fact that he's been sacked 31 times in 5 games.

He's been sacked more times than...
 
Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!

I have a child game site/blog. It pretty much covers ##KEYWORD## related stuff.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)
 

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