Wednesday, October 5

Rejected Advice Columns.

The CDP believes in quality journalism at bargain basement prices. In the case of our advice columns, this is no different. Before we decided to syndicate Ask A Cheap-Ass Pirate, we received several requests from other well-respected and popular columnists. These columns were either slightly below our lofty standards, or just lacked something necessary to "fit in" with the writing style you have grown to love here.

Not being one to pull the wool over your eyes (or see the chance to take a day off from writing), we've compiled three of these rejected advice columns for your viewing pleasure. This way, you can see for yourself why they didn't quite hit the mark. Enjoy!

Rejected Column #1:
Ask Grandma.

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By: Doris McCovey, retired Grandmother of 18 children in Sheboygan, WI.

Dear Grandma,

I want to break up with my girlfriend, but I’m afraid that it will send her into a horrible depression. Is there any way I can let her down easy, and still keep the friendship?

Thanks!
Somebody Loves Me

Dear SLM,

Are you hungry? You look hungry. Here, sit down for a second and let me make you some french toast. What? Nonsense, you have plenty of time. Well, if your friends can’t wait five minutes for you, then those aren’t friends that you want to have, dear. How can you wear a t-shirt in this weather? You’re making me cold just looking at you. Here, wear Grandpa’s old sweater while you eat. Balderdash, you’re freezing! Look at you, shivering like a leaf. There you go; don’t you feel better now?

Grandma loves you!

Rejected Column #2:
Ask The President.

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By: George W. Bush, President of the United States of America.

Mr. President,

The situation in Iraq is getting worse, with no signs of slowing down. Recent natural disasters exposed the embarrassing lack of preparation in dealing with emergencies, and your approval rating declines with each passing week. What’s your problem?

Warmest Regards,
Scared Of You

Dear SOY,

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Sincerely,
GWB

Rejected Column #3:
Ask A Guy Whos Head Is About To Explode.

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By: Thomas Frederick, A Guy Whos Head Is About To Explode.

Dear Guy Whos Head Is About To Explode,

Do you have any safe driving tips for the upcoming winter months?

Sincerely,
Scared Of Icy Land

Dear SOIL,

With winter just around the….um….the corner, you should….oh boy…

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Excuse me for a second.

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Well, there you have it. Don't forget to watch Lost tonight, and cheer on the Red Sox. They lost game one 14-2, so they're going to need it.

Comments:
I hate how anytime anyone asks that guy a question, his head explodes. Way too convenient, if you ask me.
 
It's almost like he doesn't want to give advice.
 
I'm sure he does it to get out of other things too.

"Honey, can you take out the trash?"

"Sure thing...uh...wait...AHHH!"
(head explodes)
 
You should have seen his yearbook photo.
 
I don't like exploding heads. They're some of my least favorite things of all time.
 
In theory I think they're funny, but if a head were to explode in front of me I probably wouldn't laugh.
 
I think that when people die, they should explode. I think it would make things a little less heavy in the emotional department.

At the very least, it would make going to the hospital a little more entertaining.

If someone's head DID explode in front of me, however, I'd probably duck. I'd assume he got shot, and prevent it from happening to me.
 
I went to the game... watched the Red Sox suck it up. Way to miss that easy grounder! Ha! It was pretty nuts right after Iguchi's homer, though.
We're hoping it's White Sox and Yankees next.. working on getting some tickets to that game.

Go White Sox!

(I really don't care about baseball, but was at the game, cheering on the White Sox. I was paying more attention the the hockey scores on my phone.)
 
Well, at least someone cares that hockey is back. Way to support the NHL!

You were there...so tell me, how in the hell can you give up 5 runs in an inning, and whiz the entire game right down your leg? Can you please explain that to me?

By the way, last night's episode of Lost was darn near the weirdest thing I've ever seen. I was slack-jawed for most of it.
 
I was happy... the Sabres beat the Islanders last night.
As for baseball, I have no idea how the Red Sox gave that game up. I figured they'd win it, but made a lot of errors in the 5th. We'll see how it goes once they have a home crowd behind them again.
 
The Sabres are on fire.

The Sox are going to have to win 3 straight, which is damn near impossible...but it is the Red Sox, after all. We all saw what happened last year.

I cried.
 
What do you mean, at least someone cares about hockey? It's not just me! There are dozens of hockey fans, all over the US!
 
Press the button...no button is bad. I still don't get it.
 
I think we should all have lights embedded in our palms that go off when we turn 35. We would then go on display on a device called "Carousel" where we would explode in front of many gleeful spectators.
 
Logan's Run had some great ideas on how to deal with aging, didn't it?
 
How did this conversation start?

PLANKTON! GREENS OF THE SEA!
 
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Logan's Run had lots of good ideas on aging, plus plenty of wanton nudity to round out the PG rating!
 
And Farrah Fawcett got wrecked.
 
Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!

I have a girl game site/blog. It pretty much covers ##KEYWORD## related stuff.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)
 

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