Tuesday, November 1

No Comment - 2004 Edition.

SWEEPS MONTH is officially underway. Ahoy!

If you're new here, SWEEPS MONTH is where we pull out all the stops to bring in as much traffic as possible before November is over. This is when we do all the year-end lists and whatnot, along with a ton of things we've never done before. I work hard to pull it all together, and all I ask is that you show up at least 15 times a day. It's a decent trade-off.

I really enjoy the comments section. They allow me to connect with the fans, the friends and the common man. They give me a chance to prove to everyone that I'm just like them, and not placed high upon some unreachable celebrity pedestal. Sure, I live in the coolest city in the nation, I'm married to a smoking hot woman and my cats are top-notch, but I'm still quite humble. It's in the comments section that it all comes together.

I've compiled all the best comments from year one of the CDP (2004), and placed them here for your enjoyment (year two will be along later in the month). Here, you can see what life was like for the first 300-some days of the CDP's existence. Straight from the mouth of you, the common man (but mostly me), we can all re-live the big and small moments that made up 2004. Enjoy.

For example, here's the very first comment I ever received:

Her page is way cooler than yours...you suck! – February 2004

This was in reference to the Missus' blog. I later found out that it was indeed the Missus who wrote it. In fact, the Missus is one of the best commentees on the CDP. Here's just a sampling of her masterwork:

I'm glad that you got your comment dealy working...must have taken a really smart person, probably a girlfriend, to figure it out for you. – February 2004

Girls can get along well with most people, too, provided they act normal....guys aren't so great, they're just not as involved in their communication as girls. That's why girls have so many problems with people...they can see things that guys can't. It's what my mom called "the uterine homing device." – February 2004

It's amazing that your taste in TV and music can both suck SIMULTANEOUSLY. – March 2004

The other day I was on the computer and Ryan was watching his teeny bopper mtv like he always does and I heard this horrific noise coming from the TV. At first it sounded like a Japanese girl who couldn't speak english or sing very well. Upon closer inspection, it sounded like Rush. But I KNEW that Rush speaks english...they're from Canada. So I turned around only to be greeted by the horrific sight of a mongoloid man with creepy hair and disturbing features. Naturally, I exclaimed "What is this crap?" to which Ryan replied "Coheed and Cambria. They're awesome!" I raised my eyebrows in disbelief and went back to my computer work. Awful. Truly truly awful. – April 2004

The Eggstractor does too work! I just had to get the hang of it....with the exception of the one egg that shot right out of the kitchen onto the computer desk, the rest of the eggs were a success. – May 2004

He always swore at an infant...he didn't just throw a phone. Good times. – June 2004
(I've read this comment a hundred times, and I have no idea what it means.)

Did I tell you Ryan that we were doing a naked wedding? Sheesh, I thought I would have told you that by now. – June 2004

"Wet from Birth"...that's disgusting, and it makes me want to vomit up all of my delcious cheesy shells and jalapenos lunch. – September 2004

Yeah, if your dad just grew his hair out a bit he would be identical to Johnny damon...that's pretty funny. – October 2004

Who knew that a little 8-bit video game could cause so many profanities to come from the mouth of a 22 year old? – December 2004

Of course, she's not the only voice of intelligence and reason here. Every now and again, some friends drop in for a few words of wisdom. Like Ben, for example:

It's ALL about the Fiber my friend. I poop five times a day. – February 2004

It has been decided by an act of congress (dated 09/01/2004) that, in an effort to avoid the same confusion that took place at the polls during the general elections of 2000, the 2004 presidential election will be held on two consecutive days. Those planning to vote for the Kerry- Edwards ticket are to report to the their designated polling place and cast their vote on Tuesday, November 2. Those wishing to vote for the Bush- Cheney ticket are to report on Wednesday, November 3. – September 2004

Let's not forget Sherry:

For any person who doesn't know and who happens to stumble onto this page, note that Ben and I are NOT brother and sister, but yes, we do sleep with each other. – March 2004

I just wanted to say that that story brought a very stressed out girl lots of joy and happiness. Thank you! You left out one important detail... the pathetic-looking bear keychain that Celia bought in the gas station connected to the motel and diner. Oh, I love that keychain!! – April 2004

Did you guys hear that Edwards is going to be Kerry's running mate!!!!??? I'm so excited because I was going to vote for Edwards for president anyway! – July 2004

Oh my god! That Ashlee Simpson thing was hilarious; what was she thinking dancing like that? Well, she got what she deserved! haha! – October 2004

Geez! I'm sitting here scared that some little doll thing is going to come up behind me screaming with a little knife, trying to cut my ankles; or that I'm going to look in the closet and find a green-colored girl with a really, really scary look on her face; or that a girl is going to come crawling out of my TV; or that George Bush is going to win the election on Tuesday! Whoops, enough said... – October 2004

Ben and I got up at 9:30 this morning, made blueberry pancakes, decorated our Christmas tree, and then went shopping! It's sad that I consider sleeping until 9:30 as sleeping in. Are you guys having a Christmas tree this year? You should because you're able to get a huge-ass one! Like a 20-foot-tall one! That would be awesome! – December 2004

Here's one from RJ that I always found funny:

You're in the people pleasing business? What a coincidence! I'm a people! Now please me! – August 2004

Still, nobody comments more than I do:

Check baby, check baby, 1-2-3-4
Check baby, check baby, 1-2-3
Check baby, check baby, 1-2
Check baby, check baby, 1

It's called the rump shaker. And I'm testing the comments. – July 2004

Me and Batboy have been on the outs recently since he started spending more time with the stuck-up "Weekly World News" crowd. You know, the 400-pound baby, that alien that meets with all the Presidents, and that Confederate soldier that they found alive in a cave. They're nice people on their own, but get them together and they pretend you don't exist. – July 2004

What can I say, I feel better now that my soul is gone. – August 2004

I also got a haircut a couple days ago. People at work tell me that it makes me look younger. I think it makes me look more mature and studious. Then again, most people are stupid. – August 2004

My page should be fixed. If it looks weird on your computer, it's because you have a strange text size/resolution configuration and it's not my fault. Maybe you should stop trying to be such a loner and do something right for a change. – September 2004

That Jessica Simpson thing was so brilliantly poetic I could just poop with happiness. – October 2004

Dude, I put it right through his neck. I could feel the skin give way for the tines to slide through. That's why I threw up once he died. – November 2004

You've got to admit though, it would've been quite funny to have you yak in someone's $30 Prime Rib. – November 2004

Did you know that this page is responsible for the deaths of thousands of cattle? It's true. The server is fueled by cow hides. – December 2004

Yeah, my Mom looks like a whale in that picture. "Hey, where's my Mom, and what's that whale doing at my graduation?" – December 2004

I think that cats taste like Tofu, they absorb the flavor of whatever you're simmering them in. – December 2004

But really, the best part about comments is the endless dialogue:

"Mr. President, how's the re-election campaign coming along?"
"Ummm...."

"Mr. President, do you prefer ham or turkey?"
"Ummm...."

"Mr. President, where did you hide the Easter eggs?"
"Ummm...."

"Mr. President, where are your pants?"
"Ummm...." – April 2004

THE CDP: As long as I look good, maybe they won't notice my crippling emotional problems hindering my work.

MISSUS: Your self-esteem and emotional issues are so outwardly apparent, seems like it would be hard not to notice. – May 2004

MISSUS: Will this be the year that Mr. Jacobs finally kills someone?

THE CDP: With the Gipper dying, and Michael Moore spreading filth all over the airwaves, this might be the year he rips a child's head off and scoops out the tender goo inside. – June 2004

THE CDP: At least that's what I'm going to tell my family this weekend. They have more important things to worry about than their crack pipe-sucking son. Hey, that's pretty funny! Imagine me smoking crack, and you'll never laugh at anything else as hard again.

MISSUS: No, it's not very funny when you smoke crack...it actually scares us, and makes us all hide under our beds...and the children all scream "Daddy, please don't sell our shoes! They're the only pair we have left!"

THE CDP: Yeah, well maybe we wouldn't have so many kids if you believed in birth control, and didn't want to live off the system so damn much. I've become everything I've ever hated.Well, off to the job center to get food stamps.

MISSUS: YOU'VE taken a turn for the worst, you lousy father and provider.

THE CDP: My only task as a male is to impregnate as many women as possible, and not pay any child support.

MISSUS: As is mine....oops! I wasn't supposed to tell anyone else that. – August 2004

SHERRY: I know that I'm telling everyone around me to vote, but I don't know if that's enough. I should start putting up posters or something, or get a mega-phone (or whatever they're called) and start shouting things at people on campus.

AARON: Sherry, you should definitely get a megaphone and start shouting things at people on campus. That would be awesome. – September 2004

TINMAN: Holding candles at midnight and singing Kum-ba-yah will not stop these spineless jerkoffs from attacking again; firing a SAM missile up there camel lovin' asses might.

THE CDP: I don't like our President for a few reasons. Mainly because he stole the election, he's an agenda-based liar and he brought us to war under false principles. I am NOT, on the other hand, a peacenik.

I believe in the idea of war; but we should only go to war when it's absolutely necessary. The pretenses and reasons for our current war were completely false, and have been proven so. Iraq had nothing to do with September 11, but GWB was looking for a perfect time to start a war he had been thinking about for a decade. Now that we're in this mess, we have to get out of it.

Pulling our troops and running would be a disaster. We have to stay and fight, lose more innocent lives and destroy our status in the eyes of the rest of the world.

This war was a mistake. We went after the wrong people for the wrong reasons, and we're stuck. I agree completely that we need to target the terrorists and make sure this never happens again, but that's not what we're doing. The private terrorist groups continue to grow while we bomb another innocent city.

MISSUS: I hope know one wants to bomb me, because I REALLY like camels. – September 2004

AARON: I expect you to have a mustache next time I see you, Ryan. Seriously.

MISSUS: Ryan, your grandma thought you would look nice with a moustache. I said, "I don't think so." I swear, if you EVER try to grow one...there will be some serious consequences. Probably even death. – September 2004

MISSUS: Did you call me something mean and then delete it? Damn caffeine induced dementia...

THE CDP: No, I spelled caffeine wrong, and I wanted to keep my Blog spotless of misspeelings.

MISSUS: I don't see what you have against Miss Peelings. She's been very kind to you...

THE CDP: She taught me how to live again... how to love again. – October 2004

BEN: Christopher Reeves is dead! Ha HA!-Beenjamin

THE CDP: Thanks for your input, Beenjamin.
"Where have you been, mon'?"

"I've been jamin'!"

I can't believe Christopher Reeves died on the same day as Christopher Reeve! What a tragic coincidence. Okay, I'm done giving you crap about your grammar now. – October 2004

THE CDP: Dr. Katz was also filmed like that, and actually produced by the same company that does Home Movies. Sort of like The Simpsons and Futurama.

MISSUS: Dr. Katz wasn't really very funny either.

THE CDP: Well, now you're just trying to piss me off. – November 2004

THE CDP: They're only called "steak knives" in theory. We just need knives to cut things. Cheese...um, new CD's...Celia, can you help me out here? What do we need knives for again?

Come back to me when you have a question about Television or Sports. It's really all I know.

MISSUS: We need knives because ours are all dull and lousy and they don't cut anything! And yes, I will kill you. – December 2004

THE MOM: I will no longer give my hard earned money to Forever 21 or to New York and Company! What is our world coming to when you cannot even return something to a store without being harrassed?

THE CDP: Those are some trendy stores. I can't even afford shoes, so I'm walking around with plastic bags twined around my ankles. – December 2004

MISSUS: Good thing for the whole wedding thing, cuz 2004 kinda sucked. No, it REALLY sucked.

THE CDP: I don't know if 2004 sucked THAT much. I mean, we moved into a new place, got married, things like that. I think in terms of my life in general, it was one of the most important years of my life thus far. I'm certainly not the person I was in 2003. A lot of terrible things happened this year, but just concerning me, it was pretty memorable.

MISSUS: Yes, as far as my own life it was a good year. As far as the outside world, it was a pretty sucky year in those terms.

THE CDP: There you go. Who cares about the rest of the world, WE had a good year! I heart isolationism. – December 2004

KOPLIE: Yo, going through the page as usual to catch up and make an embarrassment of myself for trying not to laugh in a stuffy quiet computer lab! I have to say that CPD is a great escape from writing a 10+ page paper on the Spanish Inqusition: its causes, new insights and its relation to the anti-semitic side of the Reformation.

THE CDP: You're the second person in just as many days using my page as a diversion from a college Spanish project. That's weird as hell.Also, I agree with you completely. Catching up with the Canadian Police Department is a great way to waste your day. I’m an asshole. – December 2004

But through it all, the love still remains:

MISSUS: I'm running of with Gabriel Q. Meowbox, and there's nothing that you can do about it.
THE CDP: "Off", hun. You're running "off" with him.

Wait, you're doing what?

MISSUS: I'm running of with him, can't you read???

THE CDP: That's it, the birthday party is off.

MISSUS: I think you mean that it's of.

THE CDP: I just realized that I'm physically incapable of hating you.

MISSUS: I'm pretty sure you mean that you're incapable off hating me.

THE CDP: Nope, it turns out that I can hate you just fine.

AARON: You kids are hilarious. – November 2004

Later on in the month, you'll be able to see the best comments of 2005, which is even bigger and better than 2004.

What's your favorite comment of 2004? Speak your mind, and maybe it will show up on the next list. SWEEPS MONTH is just beginning, so stop back often, because we're just getting warmed up.

NEXT: THE BEST OF BOYCOTT UNITY.

Comments:
MISSUS: No, it's not very funny when you smoke crack...it actually scares us, and makes us all hide under our beds...and the children all scream "Daddy, please don't sell our shoes! They're the only pair we have left!"

There is no conceivable way that I could have said that. There is no way that I am that clever. You just made that up and attributed it to me.
 
I was about to feel like a failure that I didn't get an entry in the best comments section, since I spend almost all of my spare time, and most of the working day, trying to think of comments to make on the CDP. Then at the very end I realized it was 2004 and I didn't find your blog till you commented on mine on Jan 1, 2005. So anyway, at least now I can postpone feeling like a failure.

Funny thing is, all the comments by The Missus making fun of your taste in music seemed vaguely familiar somehow.
 
MISSUS: It's true, that's what you said. If you don't think you're clever anymore, take pride in the fact that you used to be.

PASTE: I can assure you that you'll have your own section when the 2005 edition shows up. When the new year rolled in, the comments got longer and more bountiful, so it should be pretty funny.

The Missus has been making fun of my tastes in music for 6 years now. Funny, considering that our tastes have become pretty similar. There's a conspiracy afoot.
 
Making fun of your music tastes is right in her wheelhouse.
 
EXACTLY! That was perfect.

Yeah, she's really good at it, too. When I try to listen to something that she doesn't like, she'll just bust on me until I take the disk out and sulk.

Frankly, it's the only thing that she does that makes me cranky. I try to explain to her that I wouldn't do that to her, but she responds with, "Well, that's because my music doesn't suck."

She needs some sensitivity training.
 
Your tastes are light years behind mine.
 
Yeah, you're into classy music. Like Hanson.
 
Oh man, it's all over.
 
That was me, by the way.

Damn comments are messing with me. Probably because they know I listen to stupid music.
 
Dude, Hanson rules. They could totally outplay any of all y'all when they were like, 8.
 
Mmmmm-somethingrather.
 
She's right, you know. Those young ladies are very talented.
 
They may be talented musicians, but they still play terrible-ass pop music. Mmm-bop? Give me a break.
 
Still not as lame as that Josh Rouse song, though.
 
I think my joke was so subtle, it was missed by everyone.
 
Where was the joke? Hanson IS a bunch of young ladies.
 
That's right, I forgot to include one.
 
Hey, I like Josh Rouse... Which song?

Singing harmonies is right in the Hansons' wheelhouse, but that one boy can't play the drums. Or at least she couldn't then.
 
I like Josh Rouse, too. I just think the whole 1972 (or whatever year it is...) album is lame. The song where he says "spread the love vibration" is the worst. That album is "lyrically challenged".
 
1972 has some nice bass work, and has some good moments on it... but I won't disagree with your assessment. Dressed up Like Nebraska and Home are probably my favorites of his, though I don't listen to him all that much overall. It makes great background music for doing other stuff around the house. Tim Easton's kind of like that, too.
 
Nobody ever said it was the greatest album ever. It's definitely not my favorite of his albums. But I still like it, stupid-ass lyrics or not.

Speaking of stupid-ass lyrics...Mmm-bop? Come on. It doesn't get any more lyrically challenged than that.
 
Wordless choruses are the pinnacle of pop terror. At the very least, Zac Hanson is a better female drummer than Meg White.

I haven't heard enough of Josh Rouse to make an opinion, but I've read enough interviews to know for certain that he's not a good guy.

I also know that he sold a song to a Veridian Homes commercial, so you know he's got mad credibility.
 
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
 
Pasteguy, I agree with your assessment on 1972 also. I think it has some really good moments instrumentally, it's just the lyrics that get to me. I almost wish he had just funked it out for the whole album and forgot about the whole singing part.
 
Hanson is playing at the Rave soon... you get a free exclusive Hanson CD with every ticket! Woot!

Stupid flu. Someone come give me some antibiotics.
 
Yeah, I know.

The flu sucks.
 
Yeah, I know.

The flu sucks.
 
I thought that was so important I had to say it twice, I guess.
 
You're right, though. The flu DOES suck.

I bet Hanson will play "Man From Milwaukee."

Wait, I'm not supposed to know that they do that song.

I'm still cool!
 
People who like Hanson ARE cool. It's people who talk about the band without ever even hearing one of their albums that aren't cool.
 
I remember 'Weird' Al Yankovich directing their "Weird" video, and it was pretty funny. There was a 'Titanic' spoof and some other stuff on there.

Weird Al is a genius.
 
That wasn't the video for Weird. The video for Weird was directed by Gus Van Sant (sp?). Weird Al directed the one for River, if I recall. Yes, it included a very dated Titanic spoof. Such things do not stand the test of time particularly well.
 
You always tell me that, and I always forget.

Weird Al directed the "Rocking the Suburbs" video for Ben Folds, and it was hilarious. They were sitting in the studio next to a huge switch that said 'SUCKS' and 'ROCKS' on it. Weird Al flips the switch over to 'ROCKS', Ben Folds gives him the thumbs-up, and they're satisfied with the track.
 
Yeah, who would expect that an accomplished director like Gus Van Sant would want to shoot a video for a band that sucks as bad as Hanson, right? And Weird Al must have just been patronizing them by directing a video for them.

Or maybe they actually recognized the band's talents, who knows.
 
Ben Folds was on Austin City Limits the other night and it was very cool. He ended with "Not the Same" and he had the audience do the "ahhhh" harmonies and it sounded really cool. At the end he was standing on the piano directing the crowd. He did that when I saw him in Tulsa a while back.
 
I've never seen him live, but I have a DVD of BFF, and it's amazing. I also have that "Ben Folds Live" album, and that's pretty good, too.

I didn't know he was on Austin City Limits. Man, I need to pay more attention to things.
 
i was just browsing through the blog world searching for the keyword posters and it brought me to your site. You have a great site however it is not exactly what i was looking for. Good luck on your site.
 
Hey Blogger, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!
I have aalaska job service site. It pretty much covers alaska job service related subjects.
Come and check it out if you get time :-)
Best regards!
 

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