Sunday, December 4

Bold & Brassy, Texas-Style!

The CDP's Best Comments Of 2005.

After weeks of digging, indexing, clicking and sorting, I have assembled a ton of the best comments of the year. Here they are once again, to be enjoyed and praised. They are organized by topic.

Enjoy; there's a lot of funny stuff in here.

...On School:

SHERRY: Stupid, stupid, stupid school! I hate it so much!

PASTE: I got all A's in Stupid School.

CDP: And there I was, attending Regular School like a sucker.

...On Cereal Mascots:

HATHERY: I always thought that the Golden Crisp bear was kind of hot...he had a really lazy, sexy voice. MUCH better than the Sugar Smacks frog; I'd step on that if I saw it!

CDP: Pirates make great mascots, which is ironic because they make awful people.

In the summer, the Golden Crisp would melt together to make one giant cereal-ball. You had no choice but to eat the entire box at once.

I don't think that the Golden Crisp bear wore pants, but you may want to check for yourself.

HATHERY: Just the way I likes 'em!

CDP: Which do you like, cereal balls or bears with no pants? I seem to recall that you hate those pants-less bears on the Charmin commercials.

...On Poking Corpses With Sticks:

BENJAMIN: They are pulling the body of a 40-year-old man out of the Fox River just on the other side of the bridge by our apartment. I drove by on my way home from K-Mart and the area was taped off and a Cop was putting blue gloves on. I tried to get a look of the body from the other side of the river but didn't see anything. Hopefully they leave the body there so I can go poke it with a stick tonight.

CDP: If there's one thing that I've learned, it's not to go poking corpses with sticks. If you get so much as a fiber of DNA on it, you're in a whole heap-o-trouble.

BENJAMIN: For some reason, Green Bay's finest wouldn't let me touch it.

CDP: Fascists.

...On Finishing A 5-Mile Run:

MOM: I never thought that I would be wating in Camp Randall Stadium for you to finish a five mile run, but you have always kept me guessing. I was and am so proud of you.

CDP: I never thought I'd be doing something like that either, but I guess I try to stay open-minded about some things. Trust me, I hurt this morning, and I'd kick myself in the face if I could lift my leg.

...On Abercrombie & Fitch:

CDP: I've never been in an Abercrombie, but I threw an Orange Julius at their window once. Take THAT, scantily clad football player!

PASTE: What a coincidence, I once threw a pretentious 19yr old girl at the window of an Orange Julius.

CDP: Heh-heh. Throwing things at other things. It's a victimless hobby.

PASTE: Like punching someone in the dark.

...On The "Sleeve System":

PASTE: I don't understand how you can gauge how many Oreo's you've eaten with them just dumped in a tupperware container like that. I need the sleeve system.

CDP: Let me set the record straight. Usually I clean the house while "Love Connection" is on, because sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. Other times I'm quite content with eating 15 Oreos at 11 in the morning.

I also agree with the "sleeve system", but more importantly, you've helped me settle a bet that's been going on for quite some time. My wife insists that the term "sleeve" was something that I had made up, and she refuses to accept it as a cookie-related term. Truth is, everyone says "sleeve" but her.

PASTE: Hmm... new invention idea... sleeved Tupperware. 15% fewer crushed cookies when compared to sleeveless.

HATHERY: Sleeve...that's retarded. I believe the proper term is "thing", as in "How many things of crackers are there left in that box?"

CDP: "Sleeve" is the universal name for the usually tubular-shaped, vaccuum-sealed packages that food (usually snack items) comes in. The decision was made long before me, I'm just following orders.

...On Morrissey vs. Robert Smith:

HATHERY: I think that a fight between Morrisey and Robert Smith would never be possible because they would both be sobbing before either could even land a punch.

CDP: You're probably right. They'd just hug a lot and talk about loose-fitting silk shirts.

...On The Death Of My Fighting Fish:

FIDGET: 4 years? WOW that is a LONG time in fighting fish years. I had one named Fred and you could turn on music and fred would dance and jump in his bowl. One day i came home and Fred had jumped OUT of the bowl.

CDP: Here's a Haiku for "Dancin' Fred".

"Fred sure liked to dance.
But one day, he danced himself
Right out of the bowl."

I don't know if I'll get another one. It's weird not having to feed him in the morning, as it was the first thing I did every day for years (besides sobbing at the foot of my bed for several minutes).

...On "Star Wars: Episode III":

CDP: Sherry, how was episode III? I don't really care, I'm just being polite.

...On The Bible Prequel:

CDP: Can the Bible have a prequel? I suppose not, since the beginning of the Bible was...well, the beginning. It would be a very boring read.

PASTE: Hmm... Bible prequel. I bet it'd be a short brochure titled "So You've Decided to Create a Universe."

...On My CD Collection:

CDP: If someone jacked MY CD collection, I seriously wouldn't know what to do. Actually, we have Renter's Insurance, so I'd be able to buy most of them back (considering they were taken from my apartment), but I'd still feel like I lost about 1400 friends.

More like 100 really good friends, 300 acquaintances, and 1000 people that just embarrass me now.

...On Starting A Sex-Rock Outfit:

CDP: When me and Aaron start a 2-piece, sexy, ass-shaking dance-metal outfit, we'll rock so hard that your fillings will come loose and try to ask us out on dates.

RJ: If it's a 2 piece and you're not doing drums, then how does that work... unless the drum machine is doing all the work... But then it will become self aware and attempt to kill you. Violently. And Aaron should totally grow a porn star moustache.

(put a moustache on the drum machine, too.)

CDP: I've got lyrics covered. Check out this phat rhyme:

"I'm here to make you quiver,
So let your love unfold,
I can't talk to you at school,
Because I'm 29 years old."

AARON: Ryan, if you're writing lyrics like that, we NEED to be in a sleazy dance-metal band.

...On Humor:

CDP: Dissing Dr. Katz is blasphemy. That was one of the first shows that I can remember which used uncomfortable silence as a punchline.

HATHERY: I didn't think Dr. Katz was very funny...but probably because I couldn't hear anything, as I was too busy rolling on the floor and frothing from the mouth due to the animation. Same goes for Home Movies...I tend not to like things that make my pupils dilate at different speeds.

CDP: My wife has a brilliant sense of humor, although it's a bit hard to follow.Only the very miniscule and very over-the-top make her chuckle, with nothing in between. Prime example: she thinks that small, round things are funny (roma tomatoes), but she also thinks monkeys and poop are hilarious.It's really something special.

HATHERY: Only time I've ever found monkeys and poop funny together is that clip on Celebrity AFV where that monkey puts his finger in his butt, smells it, and falls off the log he's on. That was only funny because Coolio thought it was the funniest thing ever. So I guess that it wasn't the monkey that was funny, but Coolio thinking that a monkey sticking it's finger up its can is funny.

PASTE: Subtle humor is the tops for sure, but I'm still a sucker for seeing someone get racked.

CDP: I can appreciate and enjoy high-brow humor, but when I want Ben & Jerry's to come out of my nose, give me a sledding accident any day of the week.

...On Being Allergic To Cats:

PASTE: Hmm. I'm allergic to cats. But, most of the cats I've been around think the Blue Collar Comedy Tour is hilarious... So maybe it was the sense of humor that bothered me, and not the dander.

CDP: You're allergic to the senses of humor of Arkansas felines. That's funny.

Our cats love Animal Cops. It makes sense, because I love regular "Cops".

...On Horses:

RJ: So I got home from work about a half hour ago, and heard something running around my garage. Then I heard a horse. Fairly sure this horse had a headless rider seeking my soul, I hurried into the house. Turns out, it was 4 bloodthirsty horses, theoretically seeking revenge on humankind for imprisoning them. Either way, it woke up the puppy.

HATHERY: One trick to make those horses go away is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. 'Give me five bees for a quarter', you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah...the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war; the only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

PASTE: Ha ha ha... you win the Simpsons quoting contest.

HATHERY: I cheated though and got it off a webpage because I didn't know it word for word....

PASTE: The important thing is that you remembered that scene. Excellent application.

...On Preparing For Canada:

HATHERY: I was thinking we should try to bring along at least one nice outfit to wear because that one Italian restaurant we were going to go to is pretty upscale. We don't want to look like a bunch of yankee doodle dandies going into the place.

CDP: All of my outfits are nice outfits. Even my tank-tops have collars.

Was that funny, or just stupid?

SHERRY: We are planning on bringing at least one outfit for the nice restaurant. I haven't even started packing yet; but, I do have a list! I have to pack Ben's stuff too because he worked a double today and has to work at Kmart tomorrow! What a butthole!

CDP: My list rocks. It has things on it that I don't even own.

Do they have EZ-Cheeze in Canada? Better bring some with.

AARON: You kids have fun now. I'll be sure to drunk-dial each of you at least 10 times.

CDP: We won't be using our cell phones in Canada, so we might not get 'em.

However, you could "drunk-postcard" us if you're feeling industrious.

...On The "Introverts Club":

CDP: The beach flat-out sucked. Broken glass everywhere, drunks staggering around in the afternoon, clowns picking up dog poop. I was suspicious every time someone was walking towards me, and I eventually told the kids that I had to get outta there.

HATHERY: I think you said "I have to get out of here" pretty much every place we went.

CDP: You knew that I hated groups of more than 4 people when you met me.

PASTE: I thought I was the only one who did that. Time to start an introverts' club, which shall never convene.

CDP: Yeah. "Sorry, I can't make the meeting again. I have, clean the fridge."

"That's okay, I'm not going either."

"Don't touch me!"

...On Leadership:

CDP: I'm a great leader, when I'm up to it. Catch me on a different day, and I don't want to talk to anyone.

Like today, for example. My supervisor asked me if I could edit some stuff for her. I punched her in the neck and lit the computer on fire. Any other day of the week, and I probably would have lacked the leadership skills that got me out of that situation.

...One-Liner Clearing House! (Part 1):

PASTE: Doc Martens are the best kind of shoes to kill people in.

CDP: I won't stop complaining about money until I have a solid gold house and a rocket car.

CDP: You threaten divorce on an hourly basis. You did it 3 times before I left for work today.

PASTE: The thing about teenagers is that once you're not one for a few years, you realize that they aren't cool, and never were, and you never were when you were one.

CDP: This is the walking punchline that is my life.

CDP: Bringing Arrested Development back is due compensation for giving Seth MacFarlane 2 shows on Sunday nights.

CDP: I follow trends like they're going out of style.

CDP: Dehumanization is the future. Nobody is responsible for their actions, and I blame O.J. for some reason.

AARON: You must really like cookies. I don't think you've ever looked that happy.

...On "Operation":

CDP: I forgot how truly horrifying it really was. It punishes imperfection and rewards skill of hand. Sort of like those Japanese game shows where they give you an enema on stage if you get a question wrong.

...On The Removal Of Pants:

AARON: Sorry I ditched out kinda was just getting a little uncomfortable where the conversations were heading. But it was fun.

CDP: Oh yeah, I'm sure Sherry's sorry about making you feel uncomfortable. Things got pretty kinky after you left. Nah, they didn't. It was fun to watch her try to tug your pants off, though. I'm used to her doing that to me.

SHERRY: Aaron, I wasn't actually going to take your pants off (I don't think anyway). It was just a fun game at the time. I'm sorry that that's the reason you left. :(

CDP: He left because you weren't trying hard enough.

ANON: He probably left because Ryan didn't try to take his pants off...

CDP: I think that's what the ladies wanted us to do.

...On Male Nudity:

PASTE: The best use of male nakedness I know of was called the Nauman Knocker named after a guy at my college, though I don't know for sure if the idea originated with him. The basics of it was that in the middle of the night you'd go to the door of someone's dorm room, do a hand stand with your feet resting on either side of the door, legs spread across the doorway. An accomplice knocks on the door and when the victim opens the door all tired and bleary-eyed, his picture is taken by the accomplice. I guess they trusted that a person in that sleepy state wouldn't consider racking soon enough to turn the tables on the pranksters.

CDP: The "Nauman Knocker" is the funniest thing I've heard all day. It contains the quiet dignity that's so lacking in "tea bagging".

What's with all the naked talk lately, anyway?

PASTE: I know, I can hardly bare it. Hey-o!

...On Dying My Hair:

MOM: Since you are trying new things, how about going back to the blond and then tying the shaggy????

CDP: "Tying the Shaggy"? I don't know what that means, but I don't swing that way, seriously.

...On Going Bald:

PASTE: Just in case there was a screwup in your gene transfer and you start to lose your hair in a few years... The only dignified thing to do is shave your head or buzz it very short. Everything I know in this life, I learned from Sean Connery and Bruce Willis.

CDP: Yeah, if I start to lose my hair, I will go to the ends of the earth to cover it up. I'm stockpiling crates of GLH. Thank you, RonCo!

...On The "Brown Note":

PASTE: My brown note is a 41-cycle hum, so I am the messiest bass player in the south land.

CDP: Yes, it should be noted that if you were to talk to me on the phone, my voice projects a subsonic frequency that usually will tamper with your bowels. It's the damnest thing.

What's your bass-player nickname? Allow me to suggest "Chief Brownbottom". You could wear a head dress and everything.

PASTE: I was thinking about going with "Thunderpants."

CDP: Woah, that's good on so many levels. You can use that name for any number of professions: Incontinent bass player, professional wrestler, exotic dancer, hot sauce spokesman... The list literally never ends.

PASTE: And all that without being offensive. Except for the constant pooping part.

CDP: Poop jokes. That's the only way this planet's ever going to unite as one.

...On Dave Thomas:

CDP: Dave Thomas was a satanist, though. You take the good with the bad.

HATHERY: Dave Thomas was a saint, you ass!

...On Driving In Chicago:

CDP: Lock your door. Not for your safety, but the safety of those around you. You're going to have a few moments where you want to kill the person next to you. Reaching for a locked door will give you a few seconds to clear your mind of murder.

HATHERY: Toronto drivers are far more polite than Chicago drivers; that's the only reason why I think I'd prefer the Toronto driving over Chicago. In Chicago, putting your blinker on and waiting doesn't mean someone is going to let you in.

PASTE: I'm sure they'll see my Arkansas plates and wave me in.

...On Poop. Again:

CDP: I just woke up. The Missus is taking a shower, and I just heard a massive crash come from her bathroom. I have to go and check on her now.

PASTE: Hope there are no shower injuries.

CDP: Everything seems to be fine downstairs. She didn't mention anything when she came out, so maybe I just heard a neighbor getting murdered or something. Flanders sucks.

HATHERY: You never did come to see if I was okay, ya jerk! Usually you come and see if I'm okay when I've just dropped a brush or something. What happened was that rack that is in the shower held up by suction cups decided to stop functioning and it and of its contents spilled to the floor. It scared me pretty bad. I pooped a little.

CDP: If you pooped, at least you were in the shower at the time. Damn it, why must you sink this page to the lowest common denominator all the time?

PASTE: I pooped a little because I was laughing at the "pooped a little" comment.

CDP: Oh, here we go. Now everyone's pooping.

PASTE: I predict that IPAL is going to be the new LOL.

CDP: Oh, that's brilliant.

...On Pop-Up Blockers:

PASTE: How does it know which pops to block up? I love technology.

CDP: I'm glad you axed, for I know the answer.

Pop-Up Blockers block ONLY the following types of Pops:

Kellog's Corn Pops, Pop Rocks, Dr. Seuss's "Hop on Pop", the rebroadcast and unauthorized rebroadcast of VH-1's "Pop-Up Video", Ice Pops AND Freeze Pops, Popples, Poppables, Non-Stop Pop 97.1FM, Things that go "pop" in the night & Crystal Pepsi.

Anything else works fine.

...On Cleaning The House:

PASTE: I'm going to start a home makeover show for bachelors. It'll pretty much just involve putting stuff away, throwing away old magazines, and vacuuming and dusting a little bit.

CDP: I'd watch that show.

"Now, if you'll notice, I've tossed out all of the Entertainment Weekly's and TV Guide's from earlier than 2004, and that really opens up the room a bit."

"Amazing! Thank you, Clinton!"

HATHERY: Ryan has the "tidying-up" aspect of cleaning down to a science, but the "cleaning" part is where we actually have the trouble. (i.e. the definition of cleaning off a table does not mean just wiping all the crumbs onto the carpet for me to vacuum later)

CDP: I keep TELLING you, that way is easier for ME!

...On Parades Getting Cancelled Due To Tornadoes:

CDP: Man, we got lucky. Jeff said that the tornado sirens were going off in Sun Prairie. He called the town at 6:15 to see if they cancelled the parade, and they said "Well, we haven't called it off yet." Jeff then held his phone out the window and said, "Do you hear that? Those are YOUR tornado sirens!"

They did call it off, by the way. Apparently, Jeff was standing on Main Street by himself for a bit before he realized what was up.

HATHERY: I went to the trouble of emailing the chamber of commerce this morning to find out if it was rescheduled. All I got back from them was "it's a rain or shine event, thus it was not rescheduled." I had no idea if that meant it was cancelled and would not be rescheduled or if all those people marched down main street in the middle of a tornado yesterdy!

CDP: Wow. Apparently, the Sun Prairie Chamber of Commerce only answers their e-mails in riddle form.


"Greetings and salutations, this is the Sun Prairie Chamber of Commerce."

"Um, hello? Yeah, I was just wondering if the parade was still going on tonight. I heard tornado sirens going off, and-"

"-I shall answer your question. But first, you must answer me these riddles three."

"Excuse me? It's raining pretty hard out there, and-"

"Riddle number one. An Ambulance, a Fire Truck, a Police car and a Mail truck all pull up to a four-way stop at the same time, who has the right of way?"

"What? Is the parade still on?"

"Tell me who has the right of way, and you will be one step closer to your destination."

"Um...Hell, I don't know. Whoever has their lights on, I suppose."

"I will accept that response. Riddle number two is as follows."

"Jesus...Look, I-"

"SILENCE! Riddle two is as follows. As I was heading to St. Ives, I passed a man with 7 wives. Every wife had seven cats, every cat had seven sacks, every sack had seven bats and every bat had seven hats. How many people were going to St. Ives?"

"You've got to be kidding me. You know, I can just walk down Main Street for myself to-"

"Oh, I wouldn't do that. There's a tornado out there. Answer the riddle."

"Well, if you passed them on the way to St. Ives, then only you were headed there, so my answer is 1."


"Um...yes. That is correct."

"Damn right, hit me with the third riddle, Chief."

"Um...the query you insist, doesn't-"

"You don't have a third riddle, do you?"

"No. The parade has been cancelled."


...On Wafflehouse:

CDP: I'll check 'oot Wafflehouse though, because I've never been to one and you swear by them. We don't have them here.

PASTE: For real, you know you've found a good eatery when you can sit at the counter and reflect on the poor decisions you've made in your life while "Tight Fittin' Jeans" by Dolly Parton is playing on the jukebox. I don't know why other restaurants even bother to exist.

CDP: That sounds very depressing and empowering at the same time. It's right up my alley. Normally, when I stop to reflect on my bad life decisions, I'm already in the back of the squad car.

RJ: I went to IHOP for funnel cake at 2am tonight. It was fantastic. I also did a rousing Alex Trebek impression, using my fingers as a fake moustache.

...On Pirating "Lost":

SHERRY: Well, back to watching and obsessing over Lost!

HATHERY: What? You guys are on the LOST wagon too? Since when!?!

CDP: Probably since Ben pirated all the episodes.

SHERRY: Ben and I are completely done watching all of the first season. It took us less than a week to watch them all because we were so hooked!

CDP: You're welcome. Ben should buy himself a parrot.

HATHERY: No kidding. Couldn't wait a bloody week for the DVD's to come out???? "I love the show so much that I want to steal everything I can from it!!!!"

CDP: You're stealing food right out of Hurley's mouth.

...On "Lost" Being Too Complicated:

MOM: I was considering jumping on the Lost bandwagon this season, but after reading your summary I was so confused I decided to stick with "So you think you can dance". It is so much easier to follow.

CDP: I don't know. I heard that they'll be throwing in a real twist at the end, when they bring in a monster that kills all the dancers one by one.

...On Mutton Chop:

PASTE: Mutton, Music and movies are getting so expensive these days. Are their any pirate techniques for reducing my entertainment budget?

I do know the difference between "their" and "there."

MUTTON: Yaarrrr! Ye' came to the right place. Just PIRATE thy goods! Steal it, burn it and leave the in-darr-stry to eat itself alive! They de-sarrr-ve it, for giving us such sub-paarrrrr en-tarr-tainment!

By thee way, I also know thy difference between "tharr" and "tharrr". "Tharrr" has an extra "arrr" in it. Happy sailing!

...On Steven Avery:

ANON: Where do you get off posting all this information? It's been all over CNN and such, that they have no positive identification on the remains, and for that matter, that they aren't even sure they are -human-.

CDP: There's no information on this post that I didn't quote directly from reputable Wisconsin news and media sources. If it's incorrect or starting to get out of date, I suggest looking at an actual news site to get your current information.

If Avery is cleared of charges, I'll send you a CDP t-shirt.

PASTE: Man, what's with all the SLAM! lately.

CDP: Yeah, really. You accuse one guy of murder, and all of a sudden people get testy.

...On Blues Harmonica:

CDP: I live in an apartment, so I can't really make as much noise as I used to. The only instrument that I use anymore on a regular basis is a harmonica that I play when I'm trying to anger the Missus. I sing her blues songs I make up on the spot, and I usually pass out before I get to the chorus. I'm not very good.

PASTE: She'll miss that harmonica when she goes to prison... for killing you with the harmonica.

CDP: She loves my improvisational blues harmonica. She didn't realize how musically versitile I was until after she married me. It's a good thing she doesn't believe in divorce.

...On Fixing The Garage Door:

TINMAN: Oh yeah, have to fix the garage door. For the last six months, the sender unit has been broken and my garage door will not close by itself. So I have to open it, back the car out, then go in and close it manually. Now this is tricky, because you have to keep constant pressure on the button until it is completely closed. I have no problem with this and would be alright with doing this through the winter and saving the $50 it will cost for a new unit. However, it will be worth it just to not have to watch the other two females in my house turn this simple procedure into something similar to solving a Rubiks cube. You see, whenever we all go somewhere, I back the car out and leave it up to one of them to close the door. I then sit in my car and watch the door go up and down, in 2 foot increments, for the next ten minutes. So, I’ll fix the door.

...On Best Buy:

PASTE: My friend Kirk of fame often go to Best Buy to purchase music and movies. So now our standard joke when we get to the counter is for me to loudly say, "Kirk, that's that magazine you've been wanting but you wanted to try it out first before you commit to a long term subscription!" Then he makes fun of me for almost forgetting to show my reward zone card about a year and a half ago.

CDP: It's gotten to the point at my local Best Buy where the kid points to the magazine and I just shake my head. We've got it down to non-verbal cues now.

...One-Liner Clearing House! (Part 2):

PASTE: The guy-in-the-mirror thing reminded me of the film Pi. I really hated that movie, which is weird because I'm good at math.

CDP: There WAS a "Price is Right" slot machine that was sort of fun, but it sucked my money down so fast I didn't even have a chance to enjoy it. Rot in hell, Rod Roddy!

HATHERY: Another cool thing about Kubrick movies is that no matter which one you watch, you'll always find that you hated it more than the last one you watched.

CDP: Yeah, there's no deeper ghetto than where Aaron lives. We've got to get him out of there before he converts and starts scratching up all his nice vinyl.

CDP: They've got some sort of control over me, and I think it may have something to do with Cinnabon.

PASTE: A good blog is hard to find. When you find it, you just have to grab it by the points and you don't let go no matter what your mom says. :hits top of table for emphasis:

AARON: Well when are you guys going to be in the area next? We can play some drunken Scrabble and then kill a homeless man and bury him in my basement. Just like the old days.

CDP: Someone's gotta come down and keep me company. I can't just spend the weekend as the only guy surrounded by pretty ladies with sparkling personalities. Don't you know how bored I'd get?

CDP: Nothing says love like a drunken wrestling match. All the staged Niagara Falls pictures in the world can't match the emotion you feel when you airplane spin a loved one.

CDP: Just because Mr. Promise Ring has a lisp doesn't make him a bad artist. Remember when we met? I couldn't read!

CDP: Us skinny hipsters can't hold a candle to a Neil Diamond fan. You can't out-dance a punch in the neck.

...On Blog Material:

PASTE: I'm gonna have to start making up crap for my languishing blog.

CDP: That's what I do. I've been bedridden since 1989.

...On Sherry Falling Asleep:

AARON: Its funny how whenever Sherry is over to drink, she just ends up passing out in some embarrasing position.

CDP: Sherry falls asleep like that weather she's drinking or not. She's usually out by about 9. I swear that she married Ben specifically to use him as a pillow.

...On Religion:

CDP: Here's a tip: If you're trying to convert someone, don't contradict yourself right away. Spread it out over the course of a lifetime.

The bulk of my friends and I are intelligent Christians who just happen to sport tattoos (mostly my wife) and a lot of black clothing (mostly me). In the wildest dreams of the people who gave us that tape, they would have never guessed that we would go straight home and listen to it, which was exactly what we did!

When I start handing out literature at parades, I'll know that I've finally strayed.

PASTE: Oh, I didn't know you had tattoos. In that case, you actually are going to Hell.

...On Nightmares:

AARON: I had a dream about killing zombies the other night. I'm pretty sure it took place in my basement. Which makes sense, since there are probably dead bodies down there.

I don't normally remember my dreams, but lately I have been, and they've been weird.Last night there was a dream involving snakes. I woke up and thought there was a snake in the bed, so I got up and thought I saw one slither under the sheets. Shook the sheets out trying to find it, then realized..."oh, yeah. that was a dream."

CDP: You should drink more.

HATHERY: I'm sure it was a real snake...probably was feasting on the basement-corpses.

CDP: Oh, yeah. I bet you have a snake in the basement that occasionally sneaks into your room while you sleep. He started out tiny, but after years of living off nothing but zombies, he's 15 feet long and about 500 pounds.

He's gunna kill you.

...On Exploding Heads:

HATHERY: Ryan stares at me that way daily in hopes that my head will explode. Sometimes he does it when I'm sleeping in an attempt to catch me at a more vulnerable time. Still, my brain power is far too advanced for him to explode my head, or even implode it for that matter.

CDP: I do brain exercises with the Missus daily to increase my killing power.

...On Drinking Infected Beer:

CDP: The beer was "infected", in that the oxidants and yeast were at levels where the grains were know what? Forget it.

All it meant was that it tasted bad, because the guy who brewed it (a friend of my co-worker) has a lot of cats in his house, and doesn't wash things.

MOM: Eeeewww.

CDP: He thought it was pretty funny, though, and once I got out of the hospital, I also had a good laugh.

Speaking of which, the batch I helped make should be ready any day now. I'm worried about it, because I couldn't stop sneezing into the vat.

...On TiVo:

CDP: Yeah, I don't have a TiVO, I have a Moxi DVR that I orderd through Charter. I just call it a "TiVo" because everyone already knows what that is. You can record two shows at once, but you can't watch a third show at the same time.

My suggestion to the Missus was for us to buy a second box, so we could tape four shows at once.

AARON: I think you kids take TV way too seriously. Four shows at once!? Come on. Who needs that much TV. Go play outside.

PASTE: That makes no sense to me at all. TiVo is inside.

...On "Intelligent Music":

CDP: Yeah, now that I listen to more "intelligent" music, I get to stand amongst more intelligent crowds. I don't miss the punk shows at all, where I'd get my ass handed to me night after night, and come home smelling like 100 other people more filthy than I was. It was fun to play them, though. I've found that a mosh is more fun if you're the one playing the music.

SHERRY: "Intelligent" eh? Mozart, Bach, or Beethoven would f-ing blow your mind.

CDP: You're right, I bet you had much better crowd experiences at Mozart shows.

PASTE: I saw the movie Beethoven starring Charles Grodin. I didn't think it was that intelligent. Dogs are funny, though.

CDP: Yeah, that dog didn't look like he could play the piano, but I'll take her word for it.

...On NyQuil:

SHERRY: I want some NyQuil! I might need it after spending the night with nine other people in a one King-sized bed hotel room on Thursday night!

CDP: You'll either need some NyQuil or a pregnancy test.

HATHERY: Yikes, I would hate to sleep in a room with that many other people!

AARON: Oh, there was no sleeping involved. That's why she needs the NyQuil.

CDP: Ironically, Ben will also be sleeping with 9 people while Sherry's away.

AARON: Sure, if you count Star Wars figures as people.

CDP: Which he most certainly does.

...On Bugs:

HATHERY: Bugs and you don't mix. We almost crashed the car that one day because you were flipping out about that winged-ant on my steering wheel....

CDP: Hey, that winged ant was so big it was steering the damn car.

...On Reality Shows:

PASTE: It must be like some sort of reality show living at your house.

CDP: It's actually pretty embarrassing how quiet it is at our place. I sometimes run a chainsaw just for the illusion of company.

PASTE: Since I don't actually know any of you, you guys are like my own personal reality show.

CDP: I've always wanted to be on my own reality show. In many ways, this is it.

...On Tony Little:

PASTE: Poor Tony Litte. Who is there to motivate you at the end of the day?

CDP: All Tony has left is his Gazelle.

PASTE: That's all any of us really have, if you think about it, is Tony's Gazelle.

CDP: That either made no sense, or more sense than I'll ever know.

PASTE: I've learned a lot about myself today.

...On The Longest Thread Ever:

So, there you have it. I feel cleansed and ready to start anew. In the next couple weeks, expect to see year-end lists and countdowns, Lost Fridays and various other business. I can't wait until this year is over so I can get back to just writing funny stuff. My obsession with closure overshadows my willingness to write stupid essays.

Go to the comments section and tell us what your favorite quote of 2005 is.

Sleazy dance metal band lyrics made me laugh out loud again.

That and I like that the longest thread ever has both the highest number of comments, but also the longest comments. But the best part of that thread was "silly scruples."
Nice work by the way, I like how it was separated into subjects, like a Best-of Seinfeld episode.
Thanks for the props, yo. I forgot that Seinfeld broke up the sections like that; perhaps I was thinking about it subconsciously.

I most certainly didn't spell that correctly.

That "longest thread" thing just couldn't be busted up, so I had to put the whole thing on the list. It's a good representation of all the junk we toss around over the course of a few days.
OMG IPAL LOL!!!!1!11!

OK, I'm done. You guys missed a great party last night. Ben got naked and chased a homeless man with half a beer bottle.
He was doing that in High School; I didn't miss nuthin'.

That being said, sorry we couldn't make it up there. We got a lot of snow and didn't want to risk our lives or anything.

IPAL. I need to start working that into normal online conversation. Better yet, into my business e-mails.
I don't believe that I would ever say tying the shaggy. What would that mean?
You meant "Trying the shaggy," in reference to growing out my hair and reverting back to my natural color. I was merely poking fun at your speeling error.

I'm kind of a jerk like that.
"Another cool thing about Kubrick movies is that no matter which one you watch, you'll always find that you hated it more than the last one you watched."

Easily one of the funniest things I've ever said.
You're right to be proud of the Kubrick comment. That reminded me of a thing in Paste magazine (no affiliation with letseatpaste) where a guy had a piece of notebook paper split into four sections:
-Things I'm supposed to like and do like.
-Things I'm supposed to like and don't like.
-Things I'm not supposed to like that I do like.
-Things I'm not supposed to like that I don't like.
This is my daily struggle with popular culture.
I think my "things I'm supposed to like but don't like" column would be much longer than the other columns. If I'm "supposed" to like something, I tend to be much more critical of it. If I'm supposed to like it, then it better damn well blow me away!
Sounds like a fun game. I'll go first:

-Things I'm supposed to like and do like.

Beck, Pulp Fiction and Clementine Oranges.

-Things I'm supposed to like and don't like.

Bob Dylan, Star Wars and Tomatoes.

-Things I'm not supposed to like that I do like.

J-Pop, Clueless and Broccoli.

-Things I'm not supposed to like that I don't like.

Britney Spears, Independence Day and Crack.

I went with the "Music, Movie and Food" combination. Try it, it's fun!
Ryan, don't you OWN Independence Day?
Yeah, but it was a Christmas present several years ago.

"Welcome to Urf!"
I might have to stop reading this blog if you own that. You're not supposed to like it.

-Supposed to like, do
Wilco, Life Aquatic, steak

-Supposed to like, don't
Radiohead, Pi, sushi

-Not supposed to like, do
new Deathcab album, That Thing You Do, zuccini

-Not supposed to like, don't
Creed, Airforce One, sushi
I don't watch Independence Day, I merely own it. It's stuffed in the back of the video collection, with A Clockwork Orange and Left Behind (or Left Below, as it were).
best quote retrospect ever....

"Try a shaggy"

sounds like you are going to deep throat a sandwich or molest a big brown dog... either way I think i'll pass
I guess when you devote a post to a lifetime of bad haircuts, you can expect some strange comments.

Okay, my turn:

-The Shins, Sixteen Candles, pizza

-Arcade Fire, Office Space, pickles

-Hanson, any Lifetime movie, squash

-new country, Airplane ,water chestnuts
Oooh, Water Chestnuts. Good one.

I'll start the day off right and take another turn. This time, let's do "Music, TV and 80's Nostalgia Item."

-Things I'm supposed to like and do like.

The Beatles, Lost and Atari.

-Things I'm supposed to like and don't like.

The Clash, Family Guy and IntelliVision

-Things I'm not supposed to like that I do like.

Older New Found Glory, American Idol and Communist Russia.

-Things I'm not supposed to like that I don't like.

Mainstream Hip-Hop, The Man Show and Hypercolor Shirts.
-Supposed, do
Iron and Wine, The Office (BBC), hackey sack

-Supposed, don't
David Gray, American Dad (Family Guy was taken), jean jackets

-Not Supposed, do
Backstreet and Britney hits, The Office (USA), the movie Rad

-Not Supposed, don't
Fiddy Cent, American Idol (I'm sorry), tapered jeans (even though they lend themselves to getting rad on a bmx bike)
I want to change my "Supposed, don't" TV selection to South Park.
Your change has been approved by the board, and will take action effective immediately.

I had a beautiful hackey sack when I was a freshman in high school. I took it to an all-night walkathon at a neighboring high school, where I accidentally kicked it into the vent on the ceiling of the gym. It's probably still there today.

I just picked up my first Iron and Wine CD this weekend. (Our Endless Numbered Days). Haven't listened to it yet, but looking forward to it.
I still have a hackey sack that I got for my birthday when I was in the sixth grade (1986). Once I had it at school for some special evening concert or something, and this older girl who didn't even go to school there asked if she could see it, and then she threw it as hard as she could onto the roof. Luckily we had a really nice janitor, and he went up on the roof the next day and found it for me. So it's been a rough journey. The moral of the story is, always be nice to the janetorial staff. I think that's gonna be a blog story.

I also meant to mention that I purchased Neutral Milk Hotel's In the Aeroplane Over the Sea a few months ago, and lately it's really dug into my brain and I quite enjoy it.
Be nice to janitors and don't trust girls from other schools. I've been there in both regards.

Yes, update your Blog. It's starting to collect Blog dust and bet Blog bed sores.

Aeroplane has a way of burrowing into your brain and becoming part of you. It's the good musical equivalent of a flesh-eating virus.

Yeah, it's a good album. Timelessly good.
Both that Iron and Wine album and the Neutral Milk Hotel album are great.

That's all I've got for now.
The new Iron&Wine EP with Calexico is worth checking oot as well.
I agree. It's fantastic.
If I like the one I just got, I shall purchase their entire catalog. I should have picked it up sooner. Borders was having a "2 for $22" sale, so I grabbed that along with Interpol's "Antics."
Good job.

We need 3 more topics.
Suppose to, do:
-Nada Surf, Arrested Development, Human League

Not supposed, do:
-Aaron Carter, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance (so it was only on for a brief amount of time 2 years what?), Flock of Seagulls

Supposed to, don't:
-new Green Day, American Dad (since paste changed his mind), Alf

Not supposed to, don't:
-Limp Bizkit, WWE, shoulderpads
Good job.

We need 3 more topics.
I think we've already talked about everything there is.
That is so true. There's really nothing left to talk about after TV, music, movies, food and 80's nostalgia.

I feel empty, yet strangely content and happy.

Tomorrow is the first of my many year-end countdowns. The Top 10 Albums Of 2004 That Were Purchased In 2005. A list for all the stragglers.
Don't know if you're a Ben Folds fan, but there's a new Ben Folds dvd out today, I'm headed over to The Best Buy to get it.
YOu can add that to my "things I'm supposed to like but don't" list...

Ahhh, I can hear the tomatoes whizzing through the air towards my head as we speak.
I'm a big Ben Folds fan; have all the albums. I have a DVD of the BFF performance on Sessions At West 54th, and it's amazing.

Honestly, I prefer Ben Fold's Five over the solo bit, but it's still good stuff. Every album they made as a group is truly fantastic.

When I was like, 16, I saw the video for "One Angry Dwarf..." and it blew me away. At that point in my life, I had never heard anything like it (a piano-based band that wrote beautiful music and yet just rocked). In many ways, that helped to really broaden my musical horizons (at age 16, remember).
If Mr. Folds toned down the potty mouth and didn't come off as kind of a jerk, the Missus would like him. If I could get her to listen to Messner, she'd probably really dig it.
I'm very glad that at least Ben Fold's realizes he's a dwarf.

Oh, and by the way...Arrested Development confirmed last night that I am correct in stating this:
"Sleeve...that's retarded. I believe the proper term is "thing", as in "How many things of crackers are there left in that box?"
That doesn't prove anything, candy beans are unsleevable.
Gunna have to agree with Paste on this one. Sleeves are sleeves, things are things.

Hey, that was my senior quote!

Arrested, Earl and the Office were top-notch again, as usual. Watching Arrested again made me furious that FOX was pulling the plug on it. It goes without saying again, but it's really the most groundbreaking show in years.
"What line of work are you in, Bob?"

I was just looking at the latest Entertainment Weekly TV "what to watch" schedule thing. On Arrested Development it said "HEIDI KLUM AND 15 OTHER SUPER MODELS COMPLETELY NAKED!!!"
Yeah, EW has been nothing but supportive of Arrested. It's going to be a sad day when the last episode airs, and they don't even have a chance to wrap it all up.

I'll post a tribute.
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