Sunday, December 11

Razor Burn.

I was having a discussion with a co-worker about beards the other day (who am I kidding, I was talking to myself over my lunch break). We (I) came to the conclusion that there were really only 10 good reasons for growing facial hair of any kind. I thought I could take a moment to explain these to you, in a segment I'm calling:

Know Your Beards.

You may be wondering to yourself, "Only 10 good reasons for growing a beard and/or moustache? You're sky-high on the meth!" Truth is that I am sky-high (on life), but I'm still right. Let's get started.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Beard #1 - The Winter Beard.

The Winter beard could be considered the most important type of beard, because it actually serves a purpose. In this case, a thick layer of fur is grown in order to survive the bitterly cold elements, traditionally used in the Midwest and Canada. Winter beards serve no fashionable purpose, although these hunters and lumberjacks did receive a lot of unwanted company when grunge was big. (See: Shackleton, Hemmingway, Red Green)

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Beard #2 - The Beard Of Shame.

The Beard of Shame usually surfaces on men after a breakup or divorce. This is due in part to the combination of reclaiming one's manhood mixed with the crippling depression of a hardcore dumping. The wearer of the beard thinks that they are making an independent statement with said beard, but appear even more dejected and alone than if they had just shaved in the first place. (See: Any recently-dumped man with enough testosterone to grow facial hair, Ben Affleck)

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Beard #3 - The First Beard.

When a young man starts to notice hair growing in places that it previously didn't, he gets scared and excited. This presents the youth with the first of many puberty-related decisions. To shave or not to shave? To start showering more than once a month or risk losing friends? Usually, young men allow their facial hair to grow until a friend makes fun of them, or until they work up the nerve to ask their Fathers to teach them how to shave. (See: Any and every Middle and High School in the nation, women who can't help it if their hormones are messed up)

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Beard #4 - The Emo Beard.

The blazer, the scarf, the black-framed glasses and the scruffy beard. This is the emo look for winter, and the man in the picture has it down pat. Emo beards exist as another way for men to impress women, this time to appear even sadder and more world-weary than while smooth-faced. The illusion of the Emo beard is to convince people you do something other than read People magazine and eat Kix all day. (See: 41% of all male college students, that one kid on the High School drama club that turned out to be gay anyways)

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Beard #5 - The Molester Beard.

While this is technically a moustache (the moustache of former Green Bay Packers coach Mike Holmgren, to be exact), the Molester beard is a tricky one. In this case, the facial hair exists to assume some sort of dominance over whoever it is you would like to intimidate. On the bright side, molesters can be spotted from miles away while they sport these things; it's like a tracking device that they don't even know they're wearing. (See: Domineering fathers, men on trial for sexual harassment, priests and Mormon dads)

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Beard #6 - The Funny Beard.

Woo-hoo! It is so awesome to have a beard! The Funny beard is a personal favorite, in that it turns the wearer of the beard into a willing punchline for a social joke. People who sport funny beards do so because they know it's funny, making them funny as well. Funny beards don't normally look good, but that's the point. In doing this, the Funny beard makes fun of those who sport serious beards. (See: My Name Is Earl, Salvador Dali, Benjamin Jenkel, I hope)

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Beard #7 - The Youth Minister Beard.

This is funny because it's true. I did a Google Image Search for "Youth Minister" and up popped 15 pages of guys with this goatee. Most youth Ministers are really nice guys who try to spread their message while remaining open and hip with today's youth. I don't know why they think the goatee is a good way to do this, but I guess it's up to them. Other youth Ministers shave their heads to draw more attention to the goatee, making them look like they should be the frontman for a Christian ska band. (See: Your local youth Minister, the O.C. Supertones)

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Beard #8 - The Porn Star Beard.

I knew better than to go looking for pictures of porn stars with moustaches, so I'm putting up a picture of this old-timey guy instead. This is a staple of the adult film industry, most notably in the 70's, but even going as far back as when this guy was alive. Come to think of it, he probably is a porn star. I wonder what his stage name was. Mine is "Jasper Sauby." (See: The roped-off section in the back of Family Video)

(Note: If you don't know how to figure out your Porn Star name, take the name of your first pet and combine it with the street that you grew up on. Again, I'm Jasper Sauby.)

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Beard #9 - The Spite Beard.

I believe that the spite beard was invented by yours truly. In fact, that's me in the photo, straight rocking the phase one beard (phase two to never follow). A Spite beard is grown for the sole purpose of showing your significant other that you are still in charge of your body, and can do whatever you want. It's like a married version of the Beard of Shame. In my case, the Missus forbid me from growing one, so I unplugged the razor and let it grow for a week. In a radical display of reverse psychology, she took a shining to it, which frightened me and caused the subsequent shaving of it. She won again, mainly because she's smarter than me and knows what's best for my well-being. It was still a cool beard, though. (See: Me)

(Note: It should be noted that I consider my beard to be a combination of every beard on the countdown. It's diverse like that.)

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Beard #10 - Alex Trebek.

If you're Alex Trebek, you can do whatever the hell you want, and still rule. 'Nuff said. (See: Alex Trebek)

I hope you learned something today; I know I did. Sound off in the comments section, and tell me what your favorite beard is, along with your porn star name.

NEXT TIME: THE CDP'S TOP 20 ALBUMS OF 2005!

Comments:
I'm loving the youth minister beard. I think it's because for a lot of guys who are of the youth pastoring age, the goatee was the hip facial hair when they were in college. Is there already a name for this syndrome? The one that says everything that was cool when you were in college is what stays cool forever. Anyway, the goat in that picture is trimmed way too neatly, beards are not supposed to be precise and calculated.

I'm sporting a beard these days. I just trimmed it a little the other day, mainly so I can let some of the less adventrous parts of my cheek to catch up. Story of my life.
 
Ryan, your post just made me vomit in my mouth.
 
Your beard looks a lot like mine just before I got rid of it. I also noticed that you're growing some winter hair, too. You gotta do that, I don't care where you live in the states. What's important is your health.

You seem to have the same issue as me, as in some parts of the beard want to grow faster than others. Then you have to touch up and groom until each individual hair wants to play ball. It's quite a hassle.

If what was cool when I was in college stays cool forever, I'd still have a faux-hawk. Come to think of it, I need to bust that out again. I'll post my college ID photo pne day to prove my point.

Sorry about that, Sherry. I don't think there's anything on my page that even comes close to comparing with Ben's chops. He looks like he stepped out of a Dickens novel.
 
I always end up shaving the beard before I really give it a good chance, but I think I'm going to stick it out this time. I think the soul patch is about to be overdone, if it's not already, so it's time to move to greener pastures. I'm pretty sure as soon as the hair on top gets long enough to where I have to do more than nothing with it, I'll shave it. These are the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life.
 
You got that right. Men have it hard.

I always say that "this time" I'm going to really let myself go and stretch the boundaries of what my beard can do for me, but I always chicken out and shave it once people start to talk (or vomit in their mouths).

Since I dyed my hair from black to brown, I've had nothing but positive feedback, so that's once decision (out of thousands) I don't regret.
 
That First Beard pic is kind of mesmerising and laugh inducing. I think we should dub it "The Fisher Price My First Beard."
 
The frightening thing is that it looks exactly like my first beard. Ahh, sweet memories of 3 weeks ago.

"We'll make your puberty unawkward and nice,

With the My First Beard set from Fisher-Price!"


I like to write jingles.
 
I can't really seem to let mine go much longer than a week before I freak out and get rid of it, and then immediately regret it. It's a viscious cycle.

I thought you were going to let it grow until Ben and I saw it? What the F, dude.
 
I know what you're saying. I get really worried for some reason and shave it off. Damn standards of decency. How am I ever going to front a sex-rock band if I'm weighed down by morals?

Technically, you and Ben saw the picture, so it counts. Truly, I wanted to wait it out until the next time we hung out, but that Missus' reverse psychology burned me again. She's s-m-r-t.

Speaking of s-m-r-t, did anyone see the Family Guy/American Dad joke on the Simpsons last night?

What's your porn star name?
 
I have it Tivo'd, I will probably watch it tonight. Now I'm anxiously awaiting this joke.

Fred 97th.
 
That one Simpsons joke was pretty much the highlight of the night. It's a Sideshow Bob episode, and it's getting pretty darn tired for this guy.

If you live on a numbered street, choose the next street you lived on that isn't a number, or the closest named street to your childhood street. Them's the rules.
 
Our address was on a named street (though we lived on a corner so technically I did grow up on 97th), I just like to say the numbers because it sounds funnier.

Fred Emmet
 
You're right, Fred 97th sounds better. Fred Emmet sounds like John Wayne; western gunslinger-type business.

The Decemberists signed with Capitol records. Wild.
 
Yeah, I heard about the Decemberists earlier today on a forum. I replied, "This is good news for pirates."

I have Picaresque, but the more I listened to it, the more I found it unlistenable. Good for them, though.
 
Trebech no longer has a stache. Just one more thing I have in common with him.
 
Every day is a good day for Pirates. They answer to nobody but the sea.

RJ, you shaved too? Man, we're all quitters here.
 
A girl made me. Stupid girls.
 
It's always a dame. Usually with gams that won't quit.

Show me a woman who enjoys facial hair on men, and I'll show you a woman that's over 40.
 
They do exist. I used to get yelled at FOR shaving. And this was like a year ago when my beard-growing skills were much less than they are today.
 
They do exist under 40, to clarify. This girl was 20 at the time. And more recently a 22 year old was all over me and my week-old stubble. So yeah. Ladies who like crappy beards are out there, you just have to know where to look.

Oh, and they might be crazy. So watch out for that.
 
I second the "crazy" comment. If someone wants me to keep a beard, I normally realize that I don't want to spend too much time with them anymore.

Either that, or another one of my Mom's friends is hitting on me again.
 
Aaron, we both have a perfectly reasonable reason (that sounds funny) to not shave until Axe-Mas... our respective razors are broken. We shout both grow stache's for Axe-Mas with Grandma! Maybe then she'll think you're Randy, not Ron.
 
That was supposed to say "should"... I don't know how I typed "shout".
 
The goatee is to youth ministry what the vest was 20 years ago...

Sunshine Cobblestone
 

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