Friday, April 22Cooler By The Lake.
Don't look so surprised, jackass. I finish what I start. In the last couple weeks, I've been increasing my outdoor running routine to at least 2 miles every few days. Sure, it's still not even half of what I need to do, but I'm getting there. It's going to rain all weekend, but I'll try to get outside as much as possible, working up my endurance and fending off pneumonia. I officially registered yesterday, so I'll be out 20 bucks if I decide to bail out at the last minute. I'll still be out 20 bucks even if I do run the race, but it's that illusion of accomplishing your goals that keep me from eating a shotgun on a daily basis. (I was just kidding, no interventions please.)
So far, I've been averaging about a 7 minute mile time, well within my goal of finishing in under an hour. This pace will certainly get worse as the race goes on, but I'm still confident that I'll at least be competitive with the goal I've set. In addition to my "1 hour" goal, I also have a few others come race day. They are:
1. Finish ahead of everyone over 800 lbs., or anyone who has lost over 800 lbs..
2. Do not be on the front page of the Capital Times on a stretcher.
3. No vomiting or expelling of any bodily fluids in public. (This is actually a good goal for everyday life, now that I think of it.)
4. No vomiting on someone over 800 lbs. on the front page of the Capital Times.
So, there you go. I'll keep you posted as my training reaches zero hour.
Today marks a somber occasion, because the infamous "eyeball" post is moving from the main page to the archives. It was the most popular CDP post ever, generating well over 100 hits in a single day. I have many sequels planned, such as "internal organs" and "what's in your refrigerator?" They are destined for failure.
By the way, keep sending those cartoon ideas to firstname.lastname@example.org!
I've put Benjamin's script back up in the sidebar. I can't remember why it was taken down. It's been consistently in the top 25 on Helium Exchange for over a year now. It's like the "Dark Side of the Moon" of unpublished screenplays. My screenplay is also doing well, in that it hasn't been deleted.
Right now, the Missus is watching a movie on the Lifetime channel. Personally, any movie where Tori Spelling gets the crap beat out of her is good watching by me. In fact, there should be an entire network devoted to movies in which Tori Spelling gets the crap beat out of her. It will be called "The Lifetime Network".
It's 10pm on a friday, and I'm off to bed. But first, I present to you the only known photograph of the SUGAR PUFF DADDY to exist:
What a brilliant marketing ploy. Making fun of America, hip-hop culture and one of our most popular moguls in one fell swoop. (Notice the posse surrounding him.) I will not rest until I'm holding onto a copy of that commercial and munching a bowl of Sugar Puffs.
Wednesday, April 20This Is How These Things Get Started.
That's all there is to it. Please send a random thought, quote or idea to email@example.com, and watch the cartoon magic happen.
Monday, April 18Double Nerd Score.
But first, some business.
Just because Boycott Unity is gone and done with, that doesn't mean I'm through making cartoons. I wanted to experiment with something here, but I need your help. Here's the 3-step process:
Step 1: You send a quote, funny saying, word, thought, feeling, picture or statement to firstname.lastname@example.org. Really, send me anything. The more original, the better.
Step 2: I make a cartoon around what you send me, whatever that may be.
Step 3: Enjoyment.
This allows me to continue to make cartoons, all while challenging myself and interacting with my rabid fan base. We'll do a few of them in the next few days, and see where it takes us. And by the way, I am NOT ripping off Exploding Dog, even though I obviously am.
Moving on, let's talk about cereal. I have not one, but TWO cereal stories for you!
I love cereal. In the words of Jerry Seinfeld, "I love the idea of eating and drinking at the same time with one hand without looking". Even more so, I love commercials. I actually purchased a DVD filled with hundreds of commercials from the early age of television. Marketing and advertising for cereal is nothing short of an orgy of bright colors, happy children and wonderful plastic figurines. They exist to make you smile, and they have always worked on me. True, the kids on those commercials always sucked out loud, but the mascots are what kept you coming back.
Story #1: When I was about 5 years old in 1986, there was a short-lived cereal called "Circus-O's". How short-lived was it? Well, a Google search only produced 2 hits, neither of which worked for a damn.
So there I was in 1986, laying on my Grandmother's couch in her living room, sicker than hell with a 100-degree fever. I had been sleeping on and off for 2 days, and my vomit pail was never more than an arms length away. I was incoherent, quite unsure what was a dream and what was reality. I look across the room to the black-and-white television they had, and on pops a commercial for Circus-O's.
Circus-O's were basically Lucky Charms with animal marshmallow shapes. There were lions, tigers, giraffes, elephants and the like. The commercial was animated, with all the animals performing under the big top while the theme song played. This particular marketing campaign was to introduce their new secret marshmallow shape. "What will the new animal be?", provoked the TV set. The commercial ended abruptly, as if they had cut into it with a special news report. A large, ominous question mark burst onto the screen, and the commercial was over as quickly as it had begun.
For 15 years, I swore that I had dreamed up that entire commercial. To this day, I have found no information stating if that commercial even existed. The whole thing sort of terrified me, considering the mental state I was in, and the fact that I can remember it so vividly is scary enough as is. It's a sad state of affairs when I get freaked out looking up cereal information late at night. If anyone else remembers Circus-O's, or that commercial for that matter, let me know so I can solve a 18 year mystery. Certain things provoke certain reactions from me, and this commercial brought pure, unadulterated terror for some reason.
Story #2: When I was in high school, I was fortunate enough to go on a trip to England. I had a great time visiting Abbey Road, Big Ben, Stonehenge and the like. I have a lot of once-in-a-lifetime stories to share with people (such as getting a gun pulled on me and my friends, and getting kicked out of Harrod's), but one thing sticks out in my head more prominently than anything.
Some days I would choose to stay in my hotel room and watch television instead of sightseeing. For most of the day I would lurk around the empty hotel, order glass after glass of Diet Coke from the downstairs bar, and just watch cricket or a weird-ass game show on the telly.
Everyone knows that the commercials in England are funnier than anything we have here in the states. One such cereal commercial introduced me to the single greatest mascot in history. Move over, Tony the Tiger & Count Chocula, I present to you:
The Honey Monster!
(These are the biggest pictures I could find. This is kind of a rare thing, from what I can tell.)
The Honey Monster was the mascot for "Sugar Puffs", a Quaker brand cereal in the U.K.. It was the single coolest thing I had ever seen. In these commercials, the Honey Monster would sing as he went through his daily routine. He wasn't a scary monster at all. In fact, he was quite helpful when it came to helping old people across the street and difficult breakfast decisions. He was everyone's friend, guys wanted to be his buddy, girls wanted to be his gal.
As is, the Honey Monster solidified itself as the pinnacle by which all other breakfast cereal mascots would be measured. But then, he went ahead and completely outdid himself.
Through a marketing campaign of sheer genius, the Honey Monster morphed into...
The "Sugar Puff Daddy"!
Oh, how I wish I had pictures of this. Just imagine the Honey Monster with gold chains, a Kangol hat and a track suit, cruising around in a limo with his posse of humans. In these particular commercials, Sugar Puff Daddy would rap about how amazing his life is, and how great Sugar Puffs were. During the musical numbers, he would emerge from his limo to play a game of street ball with a group of kids, exchanging slo-mo high-fives and lifting kids up so they could slam-dunk the basketball. Instead of running away in terror, the children looked up to this gentle rapping giant, promising to buy his cereal.
I hope that I'm conveying this to you well enough, because it really was the coolest thing I had ever seen. I wish I could come to your house and project my thoughts onto a projector so you could see this commercial (just the cereal thoughts, mind you). If you have a few hours to kill (as I sometimes do), look into Sugar Puffs for yourself.
Well, this post has all the structure and coherency of a fever dream. It was worth it though, just to tell you about the Sugar Puff Daddy. Send me your cartoon snippets! Until then, I have album reviews to work on. I have to turn the fan on now, it's sweltering up here.