Saturday, June 11

Where's My Promotion?

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A couple weeks ago, a customer came in to work, telling me how much my office reminded her of "The Office". Maybe she was right.

At work yesterday, I was cornered in the hallway by the frantic administrator of the Wisconsin Real Estate Board. He looked like he was in a hurry, and this somehow involved me.

“Quick, I need you to make a snap decision for me.” He said, waving his arms around.

But, here’s the thing. I misheard him, and thought that he said “snack” decision. It didn’t register that this important person would need my opinion on anything vital, so I just figured it concerned food. I mean, why would my input be necessary concerning laws or statutes? My best guess was that there was a Zagnut and a Milky Way staring back at him from behind the plexi-glass in the machine, and he needed me to break the tie.

“Sure!” I shot back to him. “What are you hungry for?”

His eyes narrowed. Then they got very wide, as he cocked his head to the side in a futile attempt to make sense of my folly.

“What?” He squeaked.

What?” I deadpanned back to him.

“Um…I’m going to go and get Bill’s opinion on this.” He said, slowly making his way around me in the hallway and eventually out of sight, leaving me to wonder where I went wrong. Later, I asked “Bill” what was up, and that’s when the full force of my stupidity struck me like a concrete watermelon.

I’m an idiot.

On the bright side, I made it through another day without having to make any actual decisions. Perhaps I should respond this way to every query I get at work.

“Hey Ryan, can you get these forms done by lunch?”

“Sure thing, are you in the mood for something salty?”

(Long pause)

“Um…you know what, Ryan? I think I’ll go ahead and take care of those forms myself. Thanks anyway, though.”

“You betcha.”

Thursday, June 9

It's Like Stealing Television!

Here's two news articles for you. Enjoy!

(Taken From Yahoo!:)

Ay Caramba! "Simpsons" Movie Going
Wednesday June 8 4:52 PM ET

Get ready to toast your Flaming Moes to some excellent news. The Simpsons movie is off the drawing board and in preproduction.

"You know what? We've just done the table read for The Simpsons movie, so although we've been promoting that we're going to do it, now we're actually doing it and are in production," Nancy Cartwright, who gives voice to Bart Simpson, told BBC Radio 1 this week.

Cartwright, in London doing publicity for her one-woman show, My Life as a Ten-Year-Old Boy, indicated that the movie is still in the preliminary script development stage and it will take at least two years before it's fully animated and ready for release.

"I don't know the name of it, and I can't go into details about it, and we'll just have to see how it goes, but I think it's going to be great and the fans are going to dig it," she added.

Producers had always indicated that the movie would likely debut after the TV show ran its course. But with the show continuing to perform well, averaging about 10 million viewers last season, the Simpsons brain trust decided to move forward now, according to a rep for 20th Century Fox, which will distribute the Simpsons film.

"They are working on hammering out a script, but there's no title or production date or release date," studio spokeswoman Antonia Coffman told E! Online Wednesday. "We always wanted the show to end first but it just keeps going. Now they've worked out a team to simultaneously do [both the film and show]."

Rumors of a Simpsons movie seem to surface every few years, usually sparked by the 'toon's mastermind, Matt Groening, which then sends long-time Homer honks into a frenzy of anticipation. But such talk turned out to be premature in the past as Groening and fellow executive producers James L. Brooks and Al Jean chose to wait for the show to wind down.

The closest The Simpsons has come to the big screen was a computer-generated Homer cameo for the 2000 IMAX 3-D flick, CyberWorld.

Coffman says that there are still many details to iron out before the feature kicks into high gear, including who's going to do the animation--Film Roman, which has done so since the TV series' inception, or another production house.

This fall will see The Simpsons embark on season 17. Fox and show producers foresee the cartoon cast fulfilling its current contract, which runs through a 19th season.

(Taken From IMDB:)

Simpsons' Movie Confirmed

Homer Simpson and his hugely popular family are set to hit the big screen in a new full-length movie based on the cult cartoon series. The show's principal voice actors have all signed on for the project and creator Matt Groening is delighted with the script for the film. The Simpsons' spokeswoman Antonia Kaughman says, "Now we're going to get the best of both worlds, evidently... They finally worked out a movie team, a team of the writers, because we could never hire outside writers - they had to be Simpsons writers, and most of them were working on the show. They finally put this team together that has time on the side, and they've been working on the script. So the movie won't be at the end of the series - they'll be working simultaneously."

Wednesday, June 8

I Don't Dream Good.

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Having to sleep in the blistering heat lends itself to memorable, bizarre dreams. The constant waking and nodding off keeps you from entering the deepest stages of sleep, allowing you to dream lucidly and remember most of them come morning.

Sometimes, that's not a good thing. Here's a peek into what I was dreaming about last night.

I was sitting at a bar that I couldn't quite recognize. In reality, I seldom go to bars due to the fact that I was raised in them. As an adult, I know that nothing good can come from them but a headache and the sudden loss of all your money. Bars suck, but there I was, sipping brew with my elbows on the rail. I had taken a stool next to two older women who were conversing with each other, pausing every few seconds to look over in my direction. As I shot long glances towards every angle of the dive, desperately trying to figure out where I was or how I got here, I noticed them.

My eyes locked onto one of them, who started talking to me. They launched into this story about how they kept getting constantly harassed by a regular patron. Apparently this person would show up and give them a hard time, drunkenly hitting on them and making everyone feel generally dirty and uncomfortable. Having been raised in a town full of people like that, I understood what they were talking about. I told them I would stick around in case this greeze-ball showed up. Their eyes lit up with glee, and I started to get a little more confident.

Puffing out my chest like a Peacock, I took a deep sip from my bottle of unnamed, dream-beer. I was feeling pretty good about myself, playing the role of bodyguard (Minus Kevin Costner. Rent Tin Cup, it's great.), and scoring points with the 40-somethings. If I played my cards right, maybe they'd return the favor to me. Like, paying my bills or changing my cat's litter boxes. I waited patiently for this sexist jackass to show up, so I could show him a thing or two about what it's like to be a gentleman.

"There he is!", one of the ladies whispered loudly into my ear. I heard the tavern door squeak open behind me as I slowly turned around, brew in hand, to see who was responsible for bothering these ladies.

In walks my Dad.

Now, if I may step away from the dream for a minute, there's a few things you need to know about my Dad. We get along the way that a construction worker gets along with a foreman. We're acquaintances who get along in the same room with each other, share the same sense of humor, and talk about two times a year. Neither of us have too big a problem with this, so it's no big deal. However, in recent weeks I've been having a lot of dreams where I beat him up, so maybe I DO have a problem with it. Time will tell, but until then, let's get back to my dream.

So in strolls my Dad, and I'm instantly furious. How dare he bother these women? I never would have imagined my own Father for a classless pig, so I could barely contain myself when he took a seat next to me, not even noticing that I was there.

Here's the twist. Those women were playing me.

Those evil women were playing a mean trick on poor, bright-eyed Ryan. They made the story up, and waited for the next guy to walk into the bar to be the "jerk" in question. I was being set up for an ass-whoopin', but I had no idea. The double-twist is that they had no idea that the next person to walk in would be my own Dad, who was now also an unwilling participant in their cruel setup. Are you still with me? Good.

Back to the action. I'm staring down my Dad, just waiting for him to make a pass at these women (he never had and he never will, but I don't know that). My rage was building up, my hands clenched into fists, looking at a person who had turned out to be a liar and a fraud (he wasn't).

My Dad looked up at the bartender and politely said, "Can I get a beer?"

"That's it." I said, slapping my hands to my thighs. "Step outside, I'm gunna kick your ass."

My Dad looked at me like I was insane. Turns out I was just an idiot. (See what women do to you?) Shrugging his shoulders, he slowly crept to his feet and headed for the door with me following closely behind. This is funny, because this is exactly what my Dad would do. Even though he knows that I'm about to uncork on him, he'll tag along for the ride. Nothing bothers him (Except maybe child support payments. ZING!). I looked over to the ladies, who were laughing and pointing for some reason. I figured it was because they knew that this pig was finally going to get his.

As the tavern door shut behind the two of us, I knew there was no way that I could beat up my old man. I mean, the guy smokes like the Challenger Space Shuttle and drinks like Dan Rather during the Election, but I still think he could take me. I knew I was in trouble. That's when I realized that I was still holding my beer bottle.

The second I got out of sight of the ladies, I cracked him on the back of the head.

The bottle didn't break, and he turned around and looked at me, cocking his head and still wondering what the hell I was up to.

"You better fall down, old man!" I said to him.

He continued to look at me funny.

This time, I broke the bottle clean over his melon, and he went down, presumably because he felt bad for me. I went back into the bar to realize that I had been had by the ladies. I woke up feeling ashamed, used and laughing like crazy.

So, what's to learn from this?

Is there something I need to work out with my Dad? Am I having trust issues with people? Do I think that most women exist to screw you over? Why am I so violent when I sleep?

It's the heat, that's what it is.

And the humidity.

My newest album review will be published in tomorrow's issue of Core Weekly, check it out if you can.

Sunday, June 5

Why Can't I Have One For Myself?

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(Quoted directly from the Mystery Science Theater official website:)

What's the worst movie ever made? The subject is open to debate, but for over a decade, many Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans have agreed on one answer: MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE. Now, Entertainment Weekly joins that consensus with a four-page article highlighting Torgo, the Master and other denizens of Hal Warren's infamous creation. Oh, and it quotes a certain Michael J. Nelson, too. Look for the June 10, 2005 issue in a mailbox or magazine rack near you.

Here's the funny part: This comes exactly ONE week after I cancelled my Entertainment Weekly subscription. I swear to you, I've waited three years for them to talk about something I'd care about, and now they give Manos four pages worth now that I've given them the boot. The closer you get to me, the more things like this will happen to you. I understand that I can purchase the issue at the newsstand, but I think you're really missing the point.

If you haven't had the chance to see Manos (from MST3K or otherwise), you really should do so. You'll try to remember what life was like before you saw it. Food will taste worse, nightmares will be rampant and you'll start to resent your reflection in the mirror. It's quite the creation. I'm in complete agreement that this is the worst movie ever made, and I have a collection of hundreds of the worst movies ever made. When it comes to crap smeared onto film, I'm your man.

So, what am I up to? Nothing much. I've more or less had the phone shut off for a week now, so I've got that going for me. We also bought a new fan for the bedroom, so I can sleep without having to install a sweat-drain in my floor. My first anniversary/Toronto trip is just around the corner, and I'll have a lot to share with you concerning that coming up. So stop back often this next couple weeks, because I finally have some things that I want to share with you.

I'm going to go and pack my lunch for work tomorrow.