Hello there. This is the last post of 2005. Thanks for coming out. I must warn you, there's rampant egotism and pretentiousness ahead; basically business as usual. Proceed with caution.

2005 was a busy year here at the CDP. You know, I did over 180 posts this year; about 1 every other day. That's pretty good, considering that most of my posts run many pages. By "good," I mean "very obsessive and sad." Everyone needs a hobby, and mine is writing about insignificant minutiae and tiny life experiences. I love what I do.

But there's a dark side. A very dark side. Like, so dark, you can't even see where your key is supposed to go, and you end up putting a big gouge into the side of your Mom's Taurus. That dark.

Around the middle of 2005, I started to get torn about what I wanted to do on this page. At first (February 2004), it was just an excuse to keep my creative writing chops sharp in case something ever came along (something did come along, for a bit). I told nobody about the page, and those who did know didn't care. I got 4 hits a month and I could say whatever I wanted. I cursed and shed personal details at will. Life was good.

Then, things started to change. More people started to show up. Friends and relatives started reading. Co-workers would stop me in the halls and tell me how much they liked my latest post. Other Blogs started linking to me. Strangers started e-mailing me. I was getting hundreds of hits a day. The CDP was in the bloodstream, and it sort of freaked me out. In the grand scheme of self-important 'net attention whores, I'm less than a stain on Wil Wheaton's Dockers, but it was enough to change my style.

I had a wee audience, so I became instantly self-aware of what I was doing. I didn't want to say bad things about people that might be reading. I was afraid to say anything negative or incriminating about work. I stopped talking so much about my real life, for fear that Internet psychos would show up at my doorstep or steal my identity. That tended to stifle my creativity. The outlet that allowed me to fully explore my hobby was the very same one that started to screw it all up.

So, like I was saying, in the middle of 2005 I changed my style a little bit. I took shelter in the safety of television conversations and album reviews. Pictures of myself turned into pictures of Tony Little, and I went from an online essayist to a pop culture commentator. More people showed up, but it made my time on here less and less enjoyable. I was doing whatever I could to bring people in while still writing what I wanted. It worked for a while, but I started to get really bored.

I'm sort of a shallow guy. When you're in Elementary School, shallow people are referred to as the "Class Clown." When I was younger, I would find out what got me attention in school, and rolled with it. I'm a comic at heart, and it always made me happy to see people laugh at my jokes. Sometimes, I would tell jokes that I didn't think were funny, just because other people did. Sure, the laughs were still there, but it made me feel like a sell out. I try not to do that anymore, but you know that I do.

That's what's going on right now at the CDP. I don't feel like I'm doing this for myself anymore. I used to type whenever I had a funny idea or story to tell. Now it's like a job that I don't get paid for. If there's one sure way to destroy something you enjoy doing, it's by turning it into a career. The attention-whore in me says that I shouldn't mess with a good thing, but man, I have to.

I know exactly what you're thinking. "Who cares? If you're so miserable and tortured, do something about it, you self-absorbed prick. Stop writing. Better yet, why don't you go outside and take in the actual world for a minute or two. Get off your high horse and find a rope just long enough to hang yourself with. Take your emo glasses, pretentious photographs and snobbery and stick 'em straight up your chute, because the last thing the Interweb needs is another sad asshole."

You're totally right. Sorry about that. I tend to take a lot of stock in the non-existent.

Doing something like starting a Blog takes a huge amount of egotism and pride. You tend to pour your heart into it (the good ones, at least). You value it more than anyone can understand, and you defend it when it's insulted. You make sure it's well-maintained, and you get sad when you say something funny and nobody laughs.

Why? Because it's YOU.

2006 will be the start of something different here, but not too different. I've set a few goals for myself that I really want to accomplish, and there's a rad new template on the horizon (a few of you have already seen it). I'm excited to start things over here, and hopefully do 180 more good posts. I'm not getting rid of any old posts or anything (for now), just looking forward and onward. Besides the 2 or 3 things I said I wanted to work on this year, I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. This is exactly what I want, and it's been awhile.

I'm excited. I also said "I" 56 times in this post (count it). The Year of the Me has officially begun.

I will be attending New Year's gatherings on Friday and Saturday. The switch will be flipped on the new CDP on the first of the year. Thank you so much for your support, and so long 2005.

(Another year is almost in the books. The only true way to remember it, however, is through the eyes of someone else. Like me, for example. Now then, the year that was, through the eye of the CDP.)

January.



Without question, 2005 started off horribly as my Grandfather lost his battle with cancer.

One year later, and it still hurts. The whole family feels it whenever we get together, and he's not around. I've been pretty fortunate, as my young family hasn't yet had to experience many losses in life. When a guy like this disappears from the planet, there's a huge hole where he used to be. It can't be filled, but you can learn to one day accept it. I go on for 100 pages about how amazing he was and still is, but you should get the point.



The month started to get better, but not by much. My lunch got stolen from work following a massive pulled neck muscle that benched me for three days. Whilst depressed and sad, I had an in-depth analysis of mortality and death. Finally, we all had a gathering in Green Bay shortly before my birthday that lifted my spirits and got me ready for happier times.

February.



On the 12th of February, the CDP turned 1 year old. We're still not toilet trained yet, but we're ashamed when we don't make an effort to not poop our pants.

I turned 23 this year, and that once again got me nostalgic for crap that happened not 5 years ago. This inspired me to write a four-volume piece on my first job. In the series, I discuss the nature of the position, a brush with a murderer, a near-death experience and a run-in with the scariest guy I've ever met. It was an interesting job, and I'm glad that I had the chance to work there. Some day I will write a full-length book about it and get rich on other peoples' problems.



This was also the month that I started to grow my hair long. As it turned out, the "Year of the Shaggy" was kind of a bust, but it was a hoot while it lasted.

March.



There's a certain depressing quality in losing all of your money at a casino. What's worse, when you do it a second time, you have nobody to blame but yourself. When something like this happens to you, it represents a moral crossroads in which you must choose what path your life must take. In my case, it caused me to sign up for a 5-mile run. Death was looming, and it had my name on her list.



With NCAA March Madness in full-bore, I was reminded of the time that I caused one of the biggest sports controversies in Winneconne history. My bracket was shot, I lost $10 in the office pool and Kentucky made me cry again. Spring could not arrive fast enough. I bought an IPod and started training for my run.

April.



Because I was burned out and tired, I handed the CDP reigns over to Gabe for a day. This would be the first and last time I would ever consider such a thing. Jokes are funny.

This was also the month that brought us the infamous "Eyeball Post." Still one of the most popular posts ever, it hopefully brought awareness to unnecessary close-up photos of somewhat beautiful people.



Meanwhile, back at work, I almost lost $27,000 and my job. Life is a fickle business sometimes. To cheer each other up, we spent the day at Wisconsin Dells, tricking a timeshare salesman to give us plane tickets to Hawaii. Depending on how much money I get back in taxes, we might cash these in come 2006. With so much on my plate this month, a recap was in order.

Man, the Sugar Puff Daddy had it going on! Using his mad skillz as a reference, I was on the prowl for Take Your Daughter to Work Day. And if that wasn't enough, I managed to accomplish my 5-mile goal without having to go to the hospital. That was a big deal for me, and I still limp around when the weather's just right.

May.



Happiness comes in small packages. It's a cookie or a Kit-Kat bar. It's a kiss on the cheek or a nice compliment. Take them and appreciate them, or they will disappear. All this and more when I publish my self-help book, entitled, "I Hate You, You Freaking Idiot."



As I get older, I realize that it's nice to go to the mall with your Mother. She buys you things that you can't buy for yourself. Me and the Missus also celebrated our 2nd Annual New Glarus Day Trip. We'll probably do this at least once a year until once of us is confined to a wheelchair. I ain't pushin' nobody nowhere.

June.



June was unforgettable. Kind of.

You never forget the day that Tony Little shows up at your door and whoops your ass. No sir. The same goes for when you dream about beating the crap out of your Dad over a sleazy pair of women. Better yet, what about the time that you humiliate yourself in front of a co-worker? Not me.



What's really unforgettable is your first anniversary, especially when it doesn't end in divorce. What's really unforgettable is spending 8 days in one of the biggest cities in the world with 3 of your closest friends. Simply amazing.

July.



The CDP's 200th Post was pretty cool, too. You know, in a very...very small capacity. This transitioned smoothly into me losing my freelance job due to "creative differences."



It's not Toronto, but Mount Horeb isn't without it's charm. I think it might have to do with the Nazi hats.

August.



This is what happens when a writer with OCD gets heat stroke. On the other hand, things aren't always as they seem. Just when I think I've won you over again, I hit you with the most brutally honest and frightening post about myself ever. Never think I'm not honest. In the aftermath of this post, a lot of people expressed concern for my well-being, and others criticized my actions. Take from it what you will; just know that I never intended on having it taken so seriously. I'm just fine.



The Missus picked herself a Fantasy Football team this year. They were awful, but they beat the Packers.

Just as August was spiraling into the gutter, Ben and Sherry saved it with a spectacular wedding.

September.



For my money, there's nothing better than taking sexy photos of myself with a cell phone. If anything, it turned me on to talking about something besides myself all the time. I have since retracted the statements I made in this post. Expect 2006 to be the Year of the Me!

Taking my new format in stride, my 2005 Fall TV Preview generates over 100 comments. My Lost Season Two Preview does just as well. I soon realize that pop culture is far more interesting than cats and mustard. Just then, Mutton Chop showed up and ruined the party for everyone.



Remember when that insect almost killed me? I do.

My first unofficial Lost Friday was published, and I hit the road for Minneapolis.

October.



My weekend in Minneapolis was incredible; Arcade Fire was earth-moving and the zoo made me love dolphins again. I don't know what more you can ask of a city. I tried to put a new advice column up, but the public didn't receive it very well.

I also shared with you the saddest Halloween story of all time, as the Lost Fridays started to rack up.



Just in time for Halloween, we spent the day at a real-life haunted-themed farm. I slingshotted some gourds, we got lost in a corn maze; it was a great day.

November.



Sweeps Month ended up being out most successful month ever at the CDP. I owe it mostly to Lost Fridays, but also to year-end festivities like the best comments of 2004, the Boycott Unity retrospective, and concern over the well-being of Gabriel.



I hate the mall, but not as much as I hate Steven Avery.

After a super-sized Lost Friday, I came back with 50 things I'm thankful for, just in time for that Thank-holiday. The Missus also turned 22, and I gushed over her for a while.

December.



The last new Lost Friday I did was also my most favorite, because it was composed 100% by me. The best comments of 2005 were locked and loaded, along with each and every one of my year-end music lists.

I also grew a beard. It ruled. I gave it a name. 'Beardy'.

The best and worst of 2005 were discussed briefly, and we all parted ways for the holidays. Christmas was fantastic; I got more than I deserved, and it was great to see my family under the same roof again. That pretty much brings us right up to speed.



Not only is this my second-to-last post of the year, it is also the final chapter on everything we went through in 2005. We're through recapping and going on about recent nostalgia; now we can get back to moving forward again. That's just fine with me, because 2005 wore me the hell out.

NEXT: The Final Post Of 2005: Turn Out The Lights...

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We actually have much to discuss.

First off, a bit of business. Due to the holidays, there will be no Lost Friday on December 30. It will, however, return on January 6 to get us all caught up for Episode 10 on January 11. Hoo-rah.

Speaking of upcoming episodes, here's a lengthy rundown of the next 4 new episodes, along with what you can expect to see in them. Sources have been gathered all over the interweb, and the validity is always questioned.

January 11 - 8pm EST - Episode 9.5: Lost: Revelation.

Discover the complete story of the grueling first 48 days on the island for the fuselage survivors and tailies after the crash of Oceanic flight 815.

Since the beginning, "Lost" has mystified and intrigued viewers with its interesting characters and unique style of storytelling. Season One dealt with the fuselage survivors, the hatch and a failed attempt to get off the island. Season Two continues these stories and also introduces viewers to the survivors of the tail section. "Lost: Revelation" puts these two seasons together in a linear fashion that provides an illuminating view on one compelling story.

See the sequence of the aftermath of the failed raft attempt, the opening of the hatch, how the tail section and fuselage survivors lived separately and the unwitting intersections of their lives, and how both groups ultimately collided in one catastrophic moment. "Lost: Revelation" offers new and avid viewers a fresh perspective, comprehensive and enlightening, in one of television's most intriguing series.

(This obviously is going to be a recap before the premiere of episode 10. After taking 5 weeks off, giving us an extra hour of repackaged footage is the least they can do.)



January 11 - 9pm EST - Episode 10: The 23rd Psalm.

Master Sgt. Crystal L. Anderson was an extra in a filming of LOST in Hawaii. She played a member of a church congregation. The scene was designed to depict the mental flashback of a character in the show named Mr. Eko, played by veteran actor Adewale Akinnuowy-Agbaje. Per an interview with a local army newspaper, she says Mr. Eko is "king of the warlords" in Nigeria. He enters the church with other warlords and asks his brother, a minister in the church, to ordain him as a minister. Everyone is frightened, knowing Mr. Eko's reputation, and the church is cleared, so only two warlords, Mr. Eko and his brother, are left.

Mr. Eko interrogates Charlie about the Virgin Mary statue, Claire begins to lose faith in Charlie when she discovers his secret, and Jack is an interested observer when Kate gives the recovering Sawyer a much-needed haircut.

Mr. Eko's upcoming flashback episode, titled "The 23rd Psalm," will shed more light on why the character took a 40-day vow of silence on the island. And producers promise more info on that stick. "It has its own flashback," [Damon] Lindelof quips.



(Woah. If what the extra says is true, that would shed a whole lot of light on Eko's past. His relation with the drug plane, along with his checkered past sounds like a fantastic flashback. And that hair cut only sweetens the deal. The idea that Eko was on the island before the crash is starting to solidify.)

January 18 - 9pm EST - Episode 11: The Hunting Party

Jack, Locke and Sawyer pursue a determined Michael after he heads into the jungle toward the dreaded "Others" in search of Walt. Meanwhile, Sun has a surprising reaction to Jin's desire to join the search party, and Hurley and Charlie commiserate over the age-old conundrum of "what women want."

Jack-centric. Julie Bowen will guest star.

This episode features two guest stars, a wealthy middle aged Italian man and a gorgeous Italian woman who may possibly recur.

(This should be the big Jack-episode we've been waiting for. We might find out how the divorce and tattoos came to be. Also, it's nice to see a good old-fashioned walkabout again.)



January ?? - 9pm EST - Episode 12: Fire & Water.

Flashbacks will feature 8-year-old Charlie and 12-year-old Liam.

Charlie-centric episode that will feature his parents as well as his brother. We learn that Mr. Pace is a butcher. The episode will also feature Karen, the wife of a rock star (Liam?) and a British director.

(This may be the episode directed by Darren Aronofsky, but that hasn't been confirmed yet.)

Apart from all those previews, I've collected a bunch of various Season 2 spoilers that you might be interested in. These have to do with upcoming episodes, or Season 2 in general. Enjoy.

1. Quotes from Lindelof and Grillo-Marxuach at a Lost convention: The plane did not crash by accident, it crashed for a very specific reason. But he dismissed speculation that someone aboard the plane caused the crash. The crash of the plane is explained before the season ends.

2. From Damon Lindelof: [Hurley getting a love interest is] definitely something we've thought a lot about and nothing that we wanna force. There are a couple women characters we're introducing on the island over the course of the season who we do not know who they're going to end up with. We're doing 23 [episodes] this year. There is going to be a flashback story that fully explains the significance of all [Jack's] tattoos and puts it into the framework of what was happening in his life when he got them. You'll probably be seeing it in season two, but if not, very early in season three. Right now the plan is to do it this year. [23] is an important number in terms of the scheme of the show.

3. Lindelof reveals: [Season 2 will cover] roughly the next 45 or 50 days. We’re sticking to the same brand of storytelling and not taking bold jumps forward. Probably by the end of season two we’ll be in the range of day 90. The issue of what made Flight 815 crash is going to be dealt with in season two and definitively answered by the end of season two.

4. Damon Lindelof said: "Check out Marvin Candle's left hand."
(Dr. Marvin Candle has a fake hand.)

5. We'll be seeing Locke soon in another flashback, this time in his wheelchair.

6. You'll learn more about [why Ethan abducted Claire] this season.

7. As with the hatch, there will be more revelations about the Dharma Initiative, but it's all going to come at times when it's going to affect the characters most. You have not seen the last of Dharma, but it's going to be a little while before you find out a little bit more. The Dharma Initiative was a communal research facility on the island. A lot of scientists and free-thinkers got together to do a lot of different kinds of research: psychiatry, zoology - and remember that with the zoology of the film you saw some polar bears. It's possible there were some animal aggression studies going on there, as well as human psychology experiments and a whole variety of other things. The Dharma Initiative was founded by two peacenik Grad students who were trying to get to the bottom of a lot of mysteries about human behavior. There are six bunkers on the island, and they were devoted to a lot of different kinds of research. That's going to open up a lot of different avenues for us to tease you with what the kind of research was, and how it's evolved now that the Dharma Initiative seems to have fallen into disrepair. A lot has happened on the island and the Dharma Initiative is just the tip of the iceberg.

Well, that oughta do it for now. This is my last post before Christmas, so I want to wish everyone a safe and enjoyable holiday. The CDP will return next week with the last 2 posts of the year.

NEXT: THE CDP YEAR IN REVIEW!

You might not be aware of the New Pantheon Award, but you're certainly aware of the Shortlist Music Prize.

The Shortlist Music Prize is an award given to the most creative and groundbreaking album of the year that has sold under 500,000 copies. The name has now been changed to the New Pantheon Award for 2005. Since being started in 2001, winners include:

2001 - Sigur Ros - Agaetis Byrjun
2002 - N.E.R.D. - In Search Of...
2003 - Damien Rice - O
2004 - TV On The Radio - Desperate Youth, Bloodthirsty Babes

In December, the "long list" of nominees are announced, eventually being chipped down to a 10 album "short list" by February for the award show, just 2 days before the Grammys. During the award show, a select group of finalists will play live before the announcement of the winner.

Here now, is the long list:

Amadou & Mariam - Dimanche a Bamako (Nonesuch)
American Analog Set - Set Free (Arts & Crafts)
Andrew Bird - Andrew Bird & the Mysterious Production of Eggs (Righteous Babe)
Animal Collective - Feels (Fat Cat)
Antony and the Johnsons - I am a Bird Now (Secretly Canadian)
Aqualung - Strange and Beautiful (Red Ink)
Arcade Fire - Funeral (Merge)
The Ark - State of the Ark (EMI)
Atmosphere - You Can't Imagine How Much Fun We're Having (Rhymesayers)
Bettye LaVette - I've Got My Own Hell to Raise (Anti)
Björk - Medulla (Elektra)
Blackalicious - The Craft (Epitaph)
Bloc Party - Silent Alarm (Vice)
Boards of Canada - The Campfire Headphase (Warp)
Brazilian Girls - Brazilian Girls (Verve)
Brian Wilson - SMiLE (Nonesuch)
Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning (Saddle Creek)
The Bravery - The Bravery (Island)
Broadcast - Tender Buttons (Warp)
Broken Social Scene - Broken Social Scene (Arts & Crafts)
Chad VanGaalen - Infiniheart (Sub Pop)
Charlie Haden - Not in Our Name (Verve)
Clinic - Winchester Cathedral (Domino)
Damian Marley - Welcome to Jamrock (Universal)
Danger Doom - The Mouse and the Mask (Epitaph)
The Dears - No Cities Left (Spin Art)
Death Cab for Cutie - Plans (Atlantic)
The Decemberists - Picaresque (Kill Rock Stars)
Deerhoof - The Runners Four (Kill Rock Stars)
Devendra Banhart - Nino Rojo (Young God)
Elliott Smith - From a Basement on the Hill (Anti)
Emiliana Torrini - Fisherman's Woman (Rough Trade)
Explosions in the Sky - How Strange, Innocence (Temporary Residence)
The Faint - Wet From Birth (Saddle Creek)
Fantomas - Suspended Animation (Ipecac)
Feist - Let It Die (Interscope)
Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine (Sony)
The Futureheads - The Futureheads (Sire/679)
The Go! Team - Thunder, Lightning, Strike (Sony)
Gogol Bordello - Gypsy Punks: Underdog World Strike (Side One Dummy)
Inara George - All Rise (Everloving)
Jamie Lidell - Multiply (Warp)
Jamiroquai - Dynamite (Sony)
John Vanderslice - Pixel Revolt (Barsuk)
Kaiser Chiefs - Employment (Universal)
Kasabian - Kasabian (RCA)
Keren Ann - Nolita (Blue Note)
Kings of Leon - Aha Shake Heartbreak (RCA)
Langhorne Slim - When the Sun's Gone Down (Narnack)
Laura Veirs - Year of Meteors (Nonesuch)
LCD Soundsystem - LCD Soundsystem (Capitol)
Le Tigre - This Island (Universal)
Leela James - A Change Is Gonna Come (Warner Brothers)
The Like - Are You Thinking What I'm Thinking? (Geffen)
M.I.A. - Arular (XL/Beggars)
M83 - Before the Dawn Heals Us (Mute)
Maria Taylor - 11:11 (Saddle Creek)
The Mars Volta - Frances the Mute (Universal)
Mary Gauthier - Mercy Now (Lost Highway)
Matt Costa - Songs We Sing (Venerable Media)
Matisyahu - Live at Stubb's (Sony/Or Music)
MF Doom - MM..Food? (Rhymesayers)
Mia Doi Todd - Manzanita (Plug Research)
Mike Doughty - Haughty Melodic (ATO)
My Morning Jacket - Z (ATO)
Mylo - Destroy Rock & Roll (Breast Fed)
Nada Surf - The Weight Is a Gift (Barsuk)
The New Pornographers - Twin Cinema (Matador)
Pinback - Summer in Abaddon (Touch & Go)
Quasimoto - The Further Adventures of Lord Quas (Stones Throw)
Ray LaMontagne - Trouble (RCA)
Rilo Kiley - More Adventurous (Brute/Beaute)
Rogue Wave - Descended Like Vultures (Sub Pop)
Roisin Murphy - Ruby Blue (Echo)
Scissor Sisters - Scissor Sisters (Universal)
Seu Jorge - Cru (Wrasse Records)
Sleater-Kinney - The Woods (Sub Pop)
Sons and Daughters - The Repulsion Box (Domino)
Spoon - Gimme Fiction (Merge)
Stars - Set Yourself on Fire (Arts & Crafts)
Sufjan Stevens - Illinois (Asthmatic Kitty)
Thrice - Vheissu (Island)
Tim Robinson - Money in the Woods (CD Baby)
Tom Vek - We Have Sound (Star Time)
William Bolcom - Songs of Innocence and of Experience (Naxos)
Wolf Parade - Apologies to the Queen Mary (Sub Pop)
Z-Trip - Shifting Gears (Hollywood)

This, to me, is the most competitive long list they've ever had. There's a lot of truly great albums on here, which got me wondering. If you got to choose, what would your Short List be?

Mine is really no surprise, as 9 of the 10 have already appeared on my year-end list in some shape or form. Besides, I've been taking in Arcade Fire all year like a meth addict with a FEMA-issued credit card:

Arcade Fire - Funeral (Merge)
Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning (Saddle Creek)
The Decemberists - Picaresque (Kill Rock Stars)
The Faint - Wet From Birth (Saddle Creek)
Feist - Let It Die (Interscope)
The Go! Team - Thunder, Lightning, Strike (Sony)
LCD Soundsystem - LCD Soundsystem (Capitol)
My Morning Jacket - Z (ATO)
Sufjan Stevens - Illinois (Asthmatic Kitty)
Wolf Parade - Apologies to the Queen Mary (Sub Pop)

So, what's yours?

On a similar note, indie cornerstone Pitchfork has released their top 50 albums of the year. Where did the CDP-chosen albums end up on their list?

#42 - My Morning Jacket - Z
#30 - Franz Ferdinand - You Could Have It So Much Better
#26 - The Decemberists - Picaresque
#18 - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!
#10 - Wolf Parade - Apologies To The Queen Mary
#8 - LCD Soundsystem - LCD Soundsystem
#1 - Sufjan Stevens - Illinois

It would seem that I had a pretty good ear this year. See, kids? I'm still cool! If you want to see where my picks ended up on just about EVERY year-end list, I invite you to check out this link. If I were to venture a guess as to what was the overall #1 of 2005, Sufjan Stevens takes the prize, hands down.

NEXT: LOST FRIDAY!
THEN: THE CDP YEAR IN REVIEW!
(this post is going to rule; you'd be doing yourself a favor in checking it 'oot.)

(Thanks to everyone who participated in this year's list. I tried to make sure I got rid of all your typos.)

1. Favorite Album Of 2005.

CDP - If you want to see my favorite albums of 2005, allow me to direct you to my wack lists:

Best of 2005 (2004 Edition)
Best of 2005 (#20-#16)
Best of 2005 (#15-#11)
Best of 2005 (#10-#6)
Best of 2005 (#5-#1)

MISSUS - Since I can't even remember what albums really came out in 2005, I'll just say the ones that I remember and enjoyed more than vaguely.

Matt Pond PA - Several Arrows Later
Of Montreal - Sunlandic Twins
Nada Surf - The Weight is a Gift
Caesars - Paper Tigers

(CDP Edit: I'd like to mention that Several Arrows Later is a good album that wasn't included on my list. It impresses me each time I hear it, and 'Halloween' is one of the best songs of the year.)

SHERRY - LP - Suburban Sprawl and Alcohol

LP has such a kick-ass voice and incredible breath control (seriously, she can hold a note for like a minute). It's something different from Kay Hanley, but it's definitely just as rockin'!

PASTE -

1. Sufjan Stevens - Illinois
2. Clem Snide - End of Love
3. Iron & Wine and Calexico - In the Reins
4. Wilco - Kicking Television (live)
5. If Songs Could Be Held - Rosie Thomas
6. Death Cab for Cutie - Plans
7. Nickel Creek - Why Should the Fire Die?
8. Headphones - Headphones
9. Ben Folds - Songs for Silverman
10. The Listener - Ozark Empire

(Kathleen Edwards - Back to Me, Eisley - Room Noises, and Boondogs - Fever Dreams probably should have all been on there.)

ANDREW SMITH - I noticed that all of my newer CDs are from 2004, but nonetheless my top 2 albums came rather obviously:

1. Mediocre at Best: The Lost Classics (B-Sides & Live)
2. Captain Salisbury and the Mystery Meats: Sargeant Salad vs Vegetable Vigilante

Both CDs take me back to a time when there was a rocking music scene and I had not a care in the world. The Mediocre at Best CD features the song "600 Days" that had lived only in my mind for over 3 years. Also features live versions of songs, like the "New Song," that I had grown to love my freshman year of high school. While the CD was easily one ofthe most generous things I have ever received, it even came along with slew of patches, buttons, and other concert paraphanailia. Easily the best bundle of the year, likely the new milennia.

Captain Salisbury's long awaited follow up to their 2002 self titled CD arrived 2 years after the band had broken up. The album features the track "Jet Set," along with 5 other rockin new songs. While the CDs bring back even more memories of how I miss my high school days, they are a strong testament to two bands I miss dearly.

(CDP Edit: Thanks for the props, our massively swelled heads appreciate it.)

ERIN - I actually didn't buy any albums at all this year, except the Funny Girl soundtrack which, well, you know me.....it's not even new for 2005. I think I, as my music, am out of date.

2. Worst Song Of 2005.

CDP - Anything on the radio that didn't have a real drummer, or anything on the radio sung by someone who uses a headset during live performances.

MISSUS - Wake me up when September Ends - Green Day

That song is tripe. Crap, rubbish, trash. I can't even think of enough words to explain the way that song disgusts me.

SHERRY - I don't know the exact title of it or the idiot who wrote it, but it's the one with the chorus that has this little, high-pitched voice in the background singing, "On my Ooooooowwwwn!" It just makes me want to kill everyone around me! I mean, who ever thought that this would make a meaningful musical statement! Come on!

(CDP Edit: If you know what song she's talking about, let it be known in the comments section.)

PASTE - Anything by Usher makes me want to jam pencils in my ears, especially his big hit which I can't name.

ANDREW SMITH - Fall Out Boy - Sugar, We're Going Down

It is possible to find the song catchy at first listen, but I think it helps to have your collar completely covering your neck. I can't say I ever really hated this song until I arrived at La Crosse, when, for the first couple weeks, you could not escape it. But everyone here now has the "I knew them before they were on MTV" going for them. It’s ironic considering how trendy most people here are. They don't know anything.

3. Favorite Song Of 2005.

CDP - My favorite radio song of 2005 was Feel Good, Inc. by Gorillaz (yep). My favorite song of 2005 in all was probably In This Home On Ice, by Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!

PASTE - Favorite song of the first half of December 2005 is Holland 1945 by Neutral Milk Hotel.

SHERRY - LP - Wasted

I just can't think of anything off of the radio. I didn't even attempt to listen to what everyone else in the U.S. was listening to this year. It's an awesomely awesome song with a rockin' drum beat, and I could listen to it over and over again for the rest of my life.

(CDP Edit: Knowing Sherry, she will listen to it over and over again for the rest of her life.)

ANDREW SMITH - Gorillaz - Feel Good, Inc.

My somewhat guilty pleasure song. This song was incredibly catchy, and had the same effect on me as when I was a 6th grader and heard Tubthumper for the first time. I couldn't get the song out of my head even though I had no idea what they were saying, at least for the first couple listens. I actually had no "real" favorite song of the year, but I did enjoy this.

4. Favorite Film Of 2005.

CDP - Batman Begins.

I wasn't really digging around for any indie masterpieces this year, and only managed to get to the theater about 5 times. Christopher Nolan is a genius, and I've loved every film he's made in his still-early career. This is the best Batman movie ever; you hear me Tim Burton?

MISSUS - Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

I recognize that I have done nothing but complain about this film since I saw it, but despite the "difficulties" I have with this movie, it's still Harry Potter and therefore it's still better than anything else.

PASTE - I didn't see very many movies in the theater this year. Narnia was great once you get around the press-manufactured controversy and Disney's seedy marketing strategy. They showed a trailer for it at my church, which made me feel greasy. There should be some indie-type film or doc I should mention, but I can't think of any that came out this year that I saw.

SHERRY - Batman Begins.

Christian Bale is so hot, and his acting is excellent. He turns me on with his commitment to his roles. I love his huge muscular arms in this movie. The whole Batman voice thing is kind of wierd, but the movie is 100,000 times better than the other Batman movies made in the 90's.

ERIN - I only say The Aviator, North Country, Elizabethtown, and that may be it although the year is not over and I intend on seeing Rent as soon as possible. So far Elizabethtown is superior. It is a fine mix of Orlando hotness and cinematography. I loved it, and just so you know that I'm not an idiot, my brother Steve (who is super cool) loved it as well and considers it also a favorite of 2005.

ANDREW SMITH - Batman Begins.

I am a huge Batman fan and I didn't feel the last run of movies really did him justice, especially the last two. It was much darker as well, and as realistic as a super hero movie could really be.

The only problem with Batman Begins was the lack the showstopping quotes from Mr. Freeze in "Batman and Robin:"

Cop: “Please show some mercy!”
Freeze: “I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy.”

Mr. Freeze: “Ice to see you!”

Mr. Freeze: “What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!”

Sorry.

5. Best Book Read In 2005.

CDP - Blink - Malcolm Gladwell

MISSUS - Could this be any more predictable...Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. What could be better than learning about the young Lord Voldemort?

ANDREW SMITH - Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

I find the Harry Potter books just keeping getting better with each new installment. There is also so much up in the air after this one, mostly on Dumbledore's instincts, that it will be very interesting to see how the next one plays out. I have really enjoyed that the books progressively have gotten darker.

ERIN - I read "Eats, Shoots, and Leaves" and it was awesome for all of those English fanatics out there. I also read some other good ones like The Turn of the Screw, Dictionary of the Khazars, and some other great books that I had to read for school like She's Not There and My Year of Meats. All excellent, reading is awesome!

SHERRY - I didn't read a whole lot of interesting books this year; most of them I read were for school and on music education. But I did enjoy The Da Vinci Code. It turned me on to the concept of Jesus being married and having kids, etc. It will have you salivating at the thought of being able to turn to the next page and reading the next chapter.

PASTE - I don't read very often, but here's what I read and am reading:

Blue Like Jazz: Non-religious Thoughts on Christianity -Don Miller

The first couple pages are available to read on Amazon. Any description I make of it will probably make it sound like it sucks, which it doesn't at all.

Mediated: How the Media Shapes Your World and the Way You Live In It - Thomas De Zegontita

A friend of mine is using this in the high school philosophy class that he teaches. Fascinating commentary on pop culture in the last several decades. First sentence: "ASK YOURSELF THIS: did members of the Greatest Generation spend a lot of time talking about where they were and what they did and how they felt when they first heard the news from Pearl Harbor?"

6. Favorite TV Show Of 2005.

CDP -

#10 - Saturday Night Live
#9 - Malcolm In The Middle
#8 - Supernatural
#7 - Mythbusters
#6 - My Name Is Earl
#5 - Night Stalker
#4 - The Office
#3 - House
#2 - Arrested Development
#1 - Lost

MISSUS - Lost. I am very glad that my mother turned me on to it.

But for laughs, I reckon I'd have to say The Office, because that show almost makes me cry every week. Michael is the saddest human being ever.

Best NEW show? Nightstalker. Enough said.

PASTE - Lost, duh.

SHERRY - Lost! I can't tell you how awesome this show is; there are no words to describe it (refer to Ryan's posts on Lost).

Arrested Development- This is the only time when I laugh histerically at the TV. Not many things amuse me the way this show does.

ANDREW SMITH - This year, my favorite show to watch was "The Office." A lot of fans of the original BBC version didn’t really give the show much of a chance in the beginning, but I really feel the show has surpassed all expectation. I don't think they could have done a better job at casting, and the little subtelties between the characters really make the show even funnier. It may be hard for me to justify it being the best show of 2005, as it is a remake, but I find it funnier than any show on TV this season. My Name is Earl is definitely heading up my list, though.

ERIN - I only watched TV for about three months total of this year so I'm no longer a good judge of TV since I can't watch much anymore besides my daytime soaps.

(CDP Edit: Best run-on ever!)

7. Best Or Worst Moment Of 2005.

CDP - I'll be devoting a post to this before the end of the year. Sit tight.

MISSUS - Worst - Gabe's urinary blockage.

Close Second - Having to give Gabe his medicine.

Best - The day when we realized Gabe's mouth was no longer rank.

I realize these are not nationwide or worldwide events, but my world is really quite small.

Best THING about 2005 is that a Harry Potter book AND movie both came out. That just plain rules.

ANDREW SMIFF - Best Moment - The turn around of the Brewers, most notably the Twins game in which Prince Fielder and Rickie Weeks each homered.

The Tony Little Geico commercial (self explanatory).

Hurricane Rita not hitting Houston.

Worst Moment - Obviously Hurricane Katrina has to be up there.

Ted Thompson mailing the season in, in order to rebuild. We are automatically a contender with Brett at quarterback, and he deserves to at least be sent out with a shot. Put some pieces around him, what's the difference if we rebuild in a couple years when we won't have one of the greatest QBs of all time. This makes me mad, but its nowhere in the league of Katrina.

(CDP Edit: I like the way Andrew thinks. Katrina was a horrible incident, but the Packers season wasn't without its heartbreak. In fact, it's brought me much more personal trauma than pretty much anything this year.)

SHERRY - Best- Flipping off the White House and saying,"Impeach Bush" with 300,000 other people surrounding me who also know how corrupt and evil everything had become in the anti-war march in Washington, D.C.

Worst- All the people being ignored after Hurricane Katrina, and having to pay the price for the government's stupidity in sky-rocketing gas prices.

Personal Best - Getting married... again! I had the wedding of my dreams with all my close friends and family watching; I never want to go through it again.

PASTE - It's kind of obvious, but Katrina was the most affecting in that it raises so many different types of Big questions: Racism, poverty, Gov't responsibility vs personal responsibility, Federal gov't vs local gov't, environmental impact, nature vs. man, reality vs. what's reported, bureaucracy in the face of immediate need, Fox vs Arrested Development, etc...

(Thanks again for pitching in, and continue the conversation in the comments section.)

NEXT: SHOW ME YOUR SHORT LIST.
THEN: LOST FRIDAY!

Year-end festivities are on the way.

After more than a week of posts, general banter and chit-chat, we've finally come to the end of the countdown. Here are my top 5 albums of the year, for your consideration and approval.

Each of these 5 albums are breakout performances in one way or another. For 3 of the bands listed, it was their debut album. For the other 2, it was their career-defining moment. In either case, these 5 bands represent the hopeful present and future of indie music in all facets and sounds. Good for them; they make me want to never pick up an instrument again.

Let's go.

#5 - The Decemberists - Picaresque

"The Decemberists are what Arcade Fire wants to sound like when they grow up," sniffed an indie critic when Picaresque came out. He's right, too. Where Funeral's main topic of conversation was the death of youth and rebellion to the monotony and acceptance of adulthood, Picaresque embraced the freedom and wonder of a fleeting adolescence. From another era altogether, the Decemberists travel the high seas and remember their travels and accounts via troubled sing-along. Led by the brilliant Colin Meloy, we're offered a glimpse of a well-established and respected band simply adding to their legacy.

#4 - The Go! Team - Thunder, Lightning, Strike

Thunder, Lightning, Strike is the Paul's Boutique of the new millennium. When asked to describe the cut-and-paste sound of the Go! Team's debut album, I'd say, "Pretend that you're listening to the radio. One station is playing 70's soul. Another station is playing hip hop. Station three is playing theme songs to 70's TV shows. Still another station is playing hopscotch and cheerleader jams. Take the dial and spin it from right to left for 45 minutes, and you'll get Thunder, Lightning, Strike." Breathlessly energetic and full of non-stop action, the Go! Team will have to move heaven and earth to out-do themselves when they enter the studio again next year.

#3 - Architecture In Helsinki - In Case We Die

You'd assume that with a name like Architecture in Helsinki, the 8-member collective would hail from Finland. Not true, smartass. Actually, this multi-gendered group comes to us from Australia, single-handedly apologizing for Silverchair and Paul Hogan in one fell swoop. In Case We Die is non-annoying twee at its absolute finest; a hand-clapping cuddle party with countless instruments and multiple vocalists. If one track doesn't suit you, the next one will bore a hole into your skull until the next time the Democrats take office. Diverse and brilliant, In Case We Die is a textbook example of indie done perfectly right.

#2 - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!

This is how an album is supposed to be made. The New York quintet recorded, produced and released their self-titled debut without any label or manager assistance. Through live shows and word of mouth, they gained a cult following, leading to a glowing review on Pitchfork. Much like Funeral, CYHSY! became an internet phenomenon, causing the band to run out of merch and start a sold-out headlining tour without any booking agents or press kits. They have since signed to a label that re-released this debut to a wider audience.

I don't know what I can tell you about this album that would do it justice. It's an indie rock album. It has guitars, bass, drums and vocals among other things. It's warm and nostalgic, yet new and trendsetting. It's abraisive and gentle, reminding you of the best moments of your past without having actually been there at all. Just purchase it and give it a try. You'll be amazed at how something so simple can grow on you.

Drumroll please...

#1 - Of Montreal - The Sunlandic Twins

Oh, Kevin Barnes, you magnificent bastard. You've done it again. Last year, Satanic Panic In The Attic nearly took home CDP Album of the Year honors, but Of Montreal just couldn't be stopped in 2005.

My story with The Sunlandic Twins starts in April of last year. I got an advance copy to review for the newspaper, and didn't enjoy it much. After SPITA, it didn't seem like Sunlandic could hold a candle to it. My review reflected this, and I sort of slammed the record. However, as is the case with critics with deadlines, I didn't have enough alone time with the album. Like a fine wine, Sunlandic blossomed and bloomed with psychedelic melodies, danceable beats and insanely deep production. To break from what Of Montreal was known for and create something like this took...well, it took a lot of balls, and Kevin Barnes is the undisputed master and king of testicular girth.

I had the pleasure of interviewing this genius months down the road as they brought their tour into Madison. We talked about critics and reactions to the new album; for me a silent apology to him for not appreciating the record on first listen. He was shy and soft-spoken. Brilliant and thoughtful. My interview made up for the dismal critique, and their live show was one of the best times I've had all year. Barnes sheds all inhibitions when he takes the stage, breathing new live into his already textured beats and complexities. It was amazing.

The Sunlandic Twins pulls off the impossible, in that it's a wonderful album about wonderful things. Normally, depression and despair write the best music, but in the case of Barnes, starting a family was the topic of conversation for the new record. Tracks like "So Begins Our Alabee" and "The Party's Crashing Us" may have sounded disposable upon first listen, but they are still two of the best tracks I've heard all year. This album leaves me positively giddy in wait for the new one, which is about the nicest compliment I could give to a working musician.

The Sunlandic Twins is the CDP's Album of the Year. What do you have to say about it? Sound off in the comments section, and thanks for checking out my list.

NEXT: THE CDP YEAR IN REVIEW!
BEST/WORST OF 2005!
TOP 10 OF EVERYTHING!

(If the comments aren't working for you, feel free to comment in the previous post.)

Before we get into the business of recapping the year that was, here's a trip back to the year before the year that was, courtesy of the CDP Wayback Machine and general apathy on my part.

Away we go!

1. Here was my Best & Worst list for 2004. Do I feel the same way now as I did then? I'm not really sure, but it looks like I put a lot of work into it. This is why I asked people to chip in this year. I'm a shiftless, lazy jerk who no longer cares.

2. Here was my Year In Review. In this list, you can look back to the very start of the CDP, and find out every little detail of what transpired last year. Highlights include the Red Sox winning the World Series, spiraling into a horrible unemployed depression, and a wedding or two.

3. Here's a little insight into Christmas 2004 with the CDP family. Nostalgia is fun when it's funny.

There you go. Check that out this weekend, and the CDP will return on Monday with a ton of Christmas and year-end hijinx.

NEXT: TOP 20 ALBUMS OF 2005 - #5-#1!

(For all of you who don't have the luxury of living in the north, here's what a 'blanket of snow' looks like at CDP Headquarters. 7 inches and counting.)

Another Lost Friday Rerun Edition is upon us. Blee blave bluch bloo bliscuss.

Listen kids, enough of this crap. I've got Christmas shopping to do. As much as I'd like to sit here and talk about hatch-this and Desmond-that, Eko-where and Dharma-what, I really need to get out of the house for a few hours and spend some sweet state employee-earned cash.

It's not like I'm happy about it or anything. I'd love to do nothing more on my Friday off from work but mow down dozens of Oreos and play Madden '06 until the Missus comes home, but the real world is calling, and it wants me to go broke or die trying. (That's the title of my new movie, produced by MTV films.) Drinking a bottle of wine alone in front of the fire is going to have to wait until after I fill my wobbly cart with gift cards, overpriced knick-knacks and CD's by bands that suck.

And don't get me started on this snow. It's bad enough that normally intelligent and well-meaning people turn into savages that can't drive every December. Throwing a blizzard into the mix is nothing short of a soccer mom riot waiting to happen. Normally this would intrigue and excite me, but I have things to do today, so there's no time to dwell on the possibilities.

The simple fact of the matter is that ABC is running Lost reruns until January 11, and unless a cast member spontaneously combusts or gets arrested for drunk driving (say...?), there's not too much to report. Next week, I'll be talking more about unanswered questions and theories and whatnot, but for now, my checkbook finger's getting itchy and Best Buy's callin' my name.

I wouldn't leave you hanging, though. Whet your appetite with a dozen of my previous Lost Fridays:

SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 3
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 9 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 8 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 7 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 6 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 2
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 5 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 4 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 3 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 1 REVIEW
SEASON TWO PREVIEW

Oh, and here's a quick glimpse into what I'll be doing today when I'm not standing in line at the mall:



Sweet.

NEXT: TOP 20 ALBUMS OF 2005 - #5-#1.

No way! Part three? Sweeet!

We're into the top 10 now. The meat of the order. The pickle in the Big Mac and so forth.

The common link between these five albums is that they all struck me for one reason or another. None of these albums are jaw-dropping from beginning to end, yet they all contain a specific charm that puts them leaps and bounds ahead of any other band doing what they are doing this year. Rock, prog-rock, indie-folk and dance all share the stage here, unique yet strangely united.

Let's go.

#10 - Mando Diao - Hurricane Bar

Beautiful and raw, straight-ahead rock and roll from across the pond. Hurricane Bar was purchased by me on a whim, and stayed in my stereo for weeks as I picked apart and deciphered how a band could write so many catchy songs in a row. The harmonies, the chords, the lyrics and the hooks are almost a little too perfect to be ignored. Mando Diao has been doing this for a few years now, and Hurricane Bar is a testament to the art of the perfect 3 minute rock song.

#9 - My Morning Jacket - Z

A lot of people are comparing My Morning Jacket's Z to Radiohead's Kid A, billing them as an "American Radiohead." I'm not too into Radiohead, so I consider that sort of an insult for MMJ. Z is a huge step forward in the southern prog-rock group's production and songwriting talents. Gateway single "Off The Record" is a perfect welcome mat into the strange and beautiful world of Z. With an album like this, you're always left to wonder where a band can go from here. With My Morning Jacket, it matters not, for Z stands well enough alone.

#8 - Sufjan Stevens - Illinois

Certainly one of the most talked-about albums of the year, Illinois is the second album in Stevens' 50 states project (or so he says). Here we see a young songwriter in full-speed ahead mode, conducting intricate and beautiful tracks, spanning dozens of instruments and multiple harmonies in honor of the great state south of Wisconsin. Illinois lends itself to several listens from start to finish, so indulge yourself one afternoon with one of the most bold and adventurous albums of the year.

#7 - Feist - Let It Die

Read my official review of Let It Die HERE. This album is way out of my wheelhouse, yet it calmed and quieted me enough to really appreciate and enjoy it. The surprise album of the year for me.

#6 - LCD Soundsystem - LCD Soundsystem

Read my official review of LCD Soundsystem HERE. James Murphy is my new hero, bringing forth the dance album of the year (or the last few years, really).

Illinois is only number 8? Blasphemy! Sound off in the comments section.

NEXT: LOST FRIDAY!

THEN: THE CDP'S TOP 5 ALBUMS OF THE YEAR!

Hey, look! It's part two! That's wonderful!

Today, we look at #15-#11 on the CDP's list of the Top 20 Albums of 2005. All five of these albums (well, actually six) have severe ups and downs. The thing that sets these albums apart from others that do the same is that their ups are way up, and their downs are merely creative experimentation gone wrong. You don't have to listen to those tracks, but you can respect them.

Let's go.

#15 - Minus The Bear - Menos El Oso

Read my official review of Menos El Oso HERE. I don't get paid to write the same review twice.

#14 - Wolf Parade - Apologies To The Queen Mary

Wolf Parade has been billed as the indie rock saviors of 2005, second to Arcade Fire in terms of importance. While I don't necessarily buy into all of the hype, Wolf Parade does a lot of things well. Their weaving of atmospheric guitar and synth work into the background of solid songwriting is a serious departure from the non-emotional and apathetic lyrics of the current indie landscape. I saw them open for Arcade Fire this year, and I couldn't think of any other band that would have held their own so well.

#13 - Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning/Digital Ash In A Digital Urn

Conor Oberst is the new Dylan. Of course he is. Oberst is a mediocre prodigal songwriter with a voice that sounds like a dental drill. His false-revolutionary lyrics speak to those who don't care to listen, and his production consistently sounds like it was recorded in an underwater aluminum factory. However, Wide Awake and Digital Ash are Bright Eyes' best albums yet, with terrific production, splendid leaps and bounds in songwriting talent and impressive risk-taking. 'First Day of my Life' is easily the prettiest song I've heard all year. Screw Dylan, Oberst is better, but that isn't saying much. I freaking hate Bob Dylan.

#12 - Supersystem - Always Never Again

Always Never Again came absolutely out of nowhere for skinny hipsters the nation over. The new moniker for DC's El Guapo, Supersystem takes Q and Not U's dance-funk-meets Dischord sound and sends it right off the cliff with thumping bass and insane out-and-out dance beats. 'Defcon' is one of the best dance tracks of the year, hands down. Always Never Again would have been the top beat-driven album of the year, had LCD Soundsystem not dropped in and spoiled the fun for everyone.

#11 - Franz Ferdinand - You Could Have It So Much Better...

After the huge success of their self-titled debut, Franz Ferdinand went back into the studio and emerged with an almost carbon copy of their previous work. No complaints here. You Could Have it so Much Better is laden with snarky lyrics and stomping rhythms, proving that too much of a good thing isn't always a shot in the foot. From start to finish, this is a catchy and exciting party album for almost any occasion

Sound off in the comments section.

NEXT: CDP's TOP 20 ALBUMS OF THE YEAR - #10-#6!

Well, here we finally go with the CDP's list of the top 20 albums of 2005. I've broken up the list into four parts that will go up through the end of the week (cleverly interrupted by yet another Lost Friday). You'll like some of these. Others will infuriate you. I can accept that.

2005 was a mixed year for albums, to say the least. For every one good album I purchased, 5 or 6 more were instantly alphabetized and never again returned to car rotation. It was such a bipolar year that a few of the albums on my top 20 list are already collecting dust on the shelf. Here's hoping that 2006 will be better, but at the same time, here's to the truly great albums that shone through the poop like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

Let's go.

#20 - Shout Out Louds - Howl Howl Gaff Gaff

Stockholm, Sweden's very own Shout Out Louds gained minor international exposure with the release of Howl Howl Gaff Gaff, a Strokes-with-emotion rock record that boasted twee lyrics, tinny guitars and love-gone-wrong lyrics (what a sentence!). Thanks in part to their video for "The Comeback," Shout Out Louds broke slightly free from the pack of similar sounding groups to release a decent enough album to hit #20 on the list.

#19 - Hot Hot Heat - Elevator

Most people forget that Canada's Hot Hot Heat were partly responsible for the new-new wave movement of the last few years. Their Sub Pop release of Make Up The Breakdown was a throwback before throwbacks went mainstream. Elevator picks right up where Breakdown left off, with anthemic choruses, Costello-esque guitar work and hiccuping vocals that allow you suspend indie disbelief and enjoy the melody for the time being.

#18 - Public Enemy - Power To The People & The Beats: Greatest Hits

Still the most hardcore and influential hip hop outfit of all time, Public Enemy is still as relavent and important as ever. Chuck D's Marv Albert delivery and Flava Flav's erratic bridges are still causing most modern acts to play catch-up. Add in the masterful DJ work of Terminator X, and you get a compilation of the most groundbreaking and politically-charged rap ever. Power To The People & The Beats is hip hop for people that thought hip hop was dead.

#17 - Beck - Guero

You can't keep a good Beck down. After a few critically-acclaimed but audience-panned releases (what Beck album isn't critically acclaimed?), Beck went back to the formula that made Odelay so brilliant, and set it back in motion for Guero. Blending folk, country, hip hop and non-sensical wordplay, Beck still has it, and we're always waiting to see what he will come up with next.

#16 - Ben Folds - Songs For Silverman

Ben Folds is growing up. Weather or not this is a good thing as far as his musical talents are concerned has yet to be decided. Songs For Silverman turns Folds into more of a laid-back family man, instead of the foul-mouthed ball of fire we've seen on previous Ben Fold's Five releases. While certainly not the best album Folds has released, Silverman is the sound of maturity and acceptance, and he does a great job with it.

(NOTE: It should be mentioned that as I was typing this review, I mistakenly wrote "Dongs For Silverman." I'd like to have you think I never make a grammatical error, but in this case I really wanted to tell someone.)

Sound off in the comments section.

NEXT: TOP ALBUMS OF 2005 - #15-#11!

I was having a discussion with a co-worker about beards the other day (who am I kidding, I was talking to myself over my lunch break). We (I) came to the conclusion that there were really only 10 good reasons for growing facial hair of any kind. I thought I could take a moment to explain these to you, in a segment I'm calling:

Know Your Beards.

You may be wondering to yourself, "Only 10 good reasons for growing a beard and/or moustache? You're sky-high on the meth!" Truth is that I am sky-high (on life), but I'm still right. Let's get started.

Beard #1 - The Winter Beard.

The Winter beard could be considered the most important type of beard, because it actually serves a purpose. In this case, a thick layer of fur is grown in order to survive the bitterly cold elements, traditionally used in the Midwest and Canada. Winter beards serve no fashionable purpose, although these hunters and lumberjacks did receive a lot of unwanted company when grunge was big. (See: Shackleton, Hemmingway, Red Green)

Beard #2 - The Beard Of Shame.

The Beard of Shame usually surfaces on men after a breakup or divorce. This is due in part to the combination of reclaiming one's manhood mixed with the crippling depression of a hardcore dumping. The wearer of the beard thinks that they are making an independent statement with said beard, but appear even more dejected and alone than if they had just shaved in the first place. (See: Any recently-dumped man with enough testosterone to grow facial hair, Ben Affleck)

Beard #3 - The First Beard.

When a young man starts to notice hair growing in places that it previously didn't, he gets scared and excited. This presents the youth with the first of many puberty-related decisions. To shave or not to shave? To start showering more than once a month or risk losing friends? Usually, young men allow their facial hair to grow until a friend makes fun of them, or until they work up the nerve to ask their Fathers to teach them how to shave. (See: Any and every Middle and High School in the nation, women who can't help it if their hormones are messed up)

Beard #4 - The Emo Beard.

The blazer, the scarf, the black-framed glasses and the scruffy beard. This is the emo look for winter, and the man in the picture has it down pat. Emo beards exist as another way for men to impress women, this time to appear even sadder and more world-weary than while smooth-faced. The illusion of the Emo beard is to convince people you do something other than read People magazine and eat Kix all day. (See: 41% of all male college students, that one kid on the High School drama club that turned out to be gay anyways)

Beard #5 - The Molester Beard.

While this is technically a moustache (the moustache of former Green Bay Packers coach Mike Holmgren, to be exact), the Molester beard is a tricky one. In this case, the facial hair exists to assume some sort of dominance over whoever it is you would like to intimidate. On the bright side, molesters can be spotted from miles away while they sport these things; it's like a tracking device that they don't even know they're wearing. (See: Domineering fathers, men on trial for sexual harassment, priests and Mormon dads)

Beard #6 - The Funny Beard.

Woo-hoo! It is so awesome to have a beard! The Funny beard is a personal favorite, in that it turns the wearer of the beard into a willing punchline for a social joke. People who sport funny beards do so because they know it's funny, making them funny as well. Funny beards don't normally look good, but that's the point. In doing this, the Funny beard makes fun of those who sport serious beards. (See: My Name Is Earl, Salvador Dali, Benjamin Jenkel, I hope)

Beard #7 - The Youth Minister Beard.

This is funny because it's true. I did a Google Image Search for "Youth Minister" and up popped 15 pages of guys with this goatee. Most youth Ministers are really nice guys who try to spread their message while remaining open and hip with today's youth. I don't know why they think the goatee is a good way to do this, but I guess it's up to them. Other youth Ministers shave their heads to draw more attention to the goatee, making them look like they should be the frontman for a Christian ska band. (See: Your local youth Minister, the O.C. Supertones)

Beard #8 - The Porn Star Beard.

I knew better than to go looking for pictures of porn stars with moustaches, so I'm putting up a picture of this old-timey guy instead. This is a staple of the adult film industry, most notably in the 70's, but even going as far back as when this guy was alive. Come to think of it, he probably is a porn star. I wonder what his stage name was. Mine is "Jasper Sauby." (See: The roped-off section in the back of Family Video)

(Note: If you don't know how to figure out your Porn Star name, take the name of your first pet and combine it with the street that you grew up on. Again, I'm Jasper Sauby.)

Beard #9 - The Spite Beard.

I believe that the spite beard was invented by yours truly. In fact, that's me in the photo, straight rocking the phase one beard (phase two to never follow). A Spite beard is grown for the sole purpose of showing your significant other that you are still in charge of your body, and can do whatever you want. It's like a married version of the Beard of Shame. In my case, the Missus forbid me from growing one, so I unplugged the razor and let it grow for a week. In a radical display of reverse psychology, she took a shining to it, which frightened me and caused the subsequent shaving of it. She won again, mainly because she's smarter than me and knows what's best for my well-being. It was still a cool beard, though. (See: Me)

(Note: It should be noted that I consider my beard to be a combination of every beard on the countdown. It's diverse like that.)

Beard #10 - Alex Trebek.

If you're Alex Trebek, you can do whatever the hell you want, and still rule. 'Nuff said. (See: Alex Trebek)

I hope you learned something today; I know I did. Sound off in the comments section, and tell me what your favorite beard is, along with your porn star name.

NEXT TIME: THE CDP'S TOP 20 ALBUMS OF 2005!

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have nothing to discuss.



Settle in and get comfy, nerdlingers, because Lost is going on a five week vacation. Where most of us with normal jobs can look forward to 8 or 10 days away from the office a year, usually spent eating dinner in your boxers and watching Happy Gilmore for the thousandth time, Lost gets to sleep in a plush bed and unplug the phone until January 11.

I'm not bitter. Nope. Good for them. They deserve it, in fact.

I just have one question.

WHAT IN THE NAME OF HOLY SWEET CRAP AM I GOING TO DO FOR 5 WEEKS!

Answer me, damn it! You tell me what I'm going to do to pass the time for a month and a week!

Knit? Play Trivial Pursuit with my friends? Watch the Packers lose EVERY SINGLE GAME for the REST OF THE SEASON? I've got nothing! Nobody! Absolutely-



Well, Christmas is right around the corner, so that's pretty nice. I bet the networks will air A Christmas Story and It's A Wonderful Life a few times. Egg Nog is back in season, so that always perks up my day a skitch. Come to think of it, I'm glad that Lost is in rerun mode for the rest of the year. Screw you, Lost! I don't need you anymore!

You can keep your hatch and Mama Cass records! You can keep your Dharma Initiative and Alvar Hanso! You can take your sparking dialogue, character development, social commentary and intriguing flashbacks and CRAM 'EM STRAIGHT UP YOUR CHUTE! This guy's taking his life back, and he doesn't need you anymore!

At least until January 11. Then I'll be 3 inches from the TV screen with an unblinking pair of eyes.

If you don't already know, the word on the street is that Episode 10 will be titled "Psalm 23," and it will center around Mr. Eko. Certain flashbacks will take place on the island before the Flight 815 crash, but still no word about if Eko was on the island before the incident (aka, he wasn't on Flight 815).



The trailer for the next episode shows him smashing open Charlie's Mary statue with his boom stick, hinting more heavily that he has something to do with the Nigerian drug plane. Also, the title of the episode, along with the outfits of the drug plane pilots and Eko's knowledge and faith in religion, lead to the idea that he is indeed a man of the cloth. He's such an amazing character, here's hoping that his flashback recognizes the potential.



Moving on, we need to talk about Ana Lucia and Libby. With a cast as large as the one boasted by Lost, actors and actresses alike have to jockey for face time, lines and attention even more so than usual. Bringing in actors to play the tail-section survivors put them in a difficult situation, adding them to an already large and established cast. Will they be well-received by the public? Will they be on the show every week? What can they do to make sure they are accepted and welcomed into the masses?



Well, getting arrested for DUI doesn't really help, but it gets your face on the CDP, so that's always good. Here's to you, Ana & Libby! Think before you drink, especially in Hawaii. I heard that it's a small island, so it's pretty hard to evade police when you're tipsy. Also, it's best to not cry for an hour before getting your mugshot taken; makes you look like you're a criminal.



ABC should really consider auctioning off some Lost props on Ebay or something. Lonely people with lots of time on their hands and an expendable income (like myself) would pay top dollar for a jar of Dharma-issued peanut butter or a Swan-logo jumpsuit. My Mystery Science Theater 3000 and video game memorabilia alone is enough to clutter the second floor of the CDP headquarters, and they're always looking for more friends to gobble up space.



I've never owned or worn a shirt that advertises a television show before, because I always thought it was sad or depressing. I never had a problem with band shirts, or even movie shirts for that matter, so why was I so hung up on TV shirts? Whenever I saw someone walking around with a promotional Evening Shade shirt on, I would always think to myself, "There's a guy (it's always a guy) who's out of clean shirts."

Now that we've passed the tacky 90's and into the retro 00's, pop-culture vintage is back in a huge way. People like me are finally getting the recognition they deserve for a lifelong commitment to inanimate objects that could never love me nearly as much as I love them. It feels good to know that I'm partly responsible for a fashion overhaul. Shirts that advertise classic TV are considered modern and funny in an ironic way, and I'm getting myself a Lost t-shirt.



This is the one I saw on Ebay that tickled my fancy. It comes in a small, it's not too gaudy or depressing, and the price is right ($400, no reserve). The people who understand the shirt will appreciate it, and those who don't will just think it's a German metal band that they've never heard of before. I don't see how I could possibly lose here, yet I feel like a loser.

Lost Friday will return next week with more insight into Episode 10. In the meantime, check out all of my previous Lost Friday write-ups. They are high in fiber, low in carbs and taste like marshmallows.

SEASON TWO - EPISODE 9 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 8 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 7 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 6 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 2
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 5 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 4 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 3 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 1 REVIEW
SEASON TWO PREVIEW

In about a week or two, I will reveal my list of the best albums of 2005.

I can tell that you're tingling with anticipation.

Before I get to that, however, I have some house cleaning to do. You see, I bought a lot of albums in 2005 that were released in 2004, making them void from this year's (and last year's) countdown. A lot of them were quite good, so I thought they deserved their own little slice of recognition.

Here then, is my list of the top 10 albums of 2004 that I bought in 2005. I apologize for missing the boat on these right away. I will buck up on my hipster cred, and this lapse in judgement will not be repeated in 2006. You have my word.

10. The Futureheads - The Futureheads

The Futureheads released an unlikely hit record with their self-titled American debut. Clash-style post-punk mixed with pop sensibility made for a nice, honest throwback from the new-new wave movement of 2004. Singles like "First Day" and "Decent Days & Nights" were just as catchy as anything Modest Mouse or Franz Ferdinand released in the same year.

9. Moving Units - Dangerous Dreams

The New York dance-rock outfit didn't break into the mainstream with Dangerous Dreams, but they caught the eye of a lot of critics and fans of the genre. Sexy but not sleazy, naughty without being flithy, Moving Units took the new wave stutter and shake of the 80's and mixed it with Q and Not U-style quitar work and pulsing drums. Sounds good to me.

8. VCR - VCR

The closest thing America has to Polysics, VCR's latest EP was a spastic, synth and screech-driven, pop-crapsterpiece. Replacing guitars with three keyboards, VCR proved that synth bands could still throw your ass into the pit. Sometimes annoying and over-the-top, other times even more annoying and over-the-top, VCR is going to be a force to be reckoned with once their full-length finally comes out.

7. Cake - Pressure Chief

Cake is like a Jeep. Reliable and consistent, you can always depend on something good coming from Sacremento's finest quintet. Pressure Chief is Cake's worst album, but that still places it high atop most other band's entire catalogs. Mixing folk, hip-hop, amazing bass work and a well-placed trumpet blast here and there, Cake sounds like nobody else while maintaining a signature sound that's suited them well for over a decade.

6. Death From Above 1979 - You're A Woman, I'm A Machine

This album is loud. I mean that literally; it's very loud. Considering that DFA1979 consists only of a drummer and bassist, it's surprising to hear such a wall of crunching sounds on You're A Woman, I'm A Machine. Sex-rock-dance-metal with a moustache. I've said enough, and yet I've said so much. The icing on the cake? They're from Canada.

5. Minus The Bear - They Make Beer Commercials Like This

Minus The Bear is growing up, and this was the link between the old and the new. Beer Commercials has the goofy song titles and phenomonal quitar work of Highly Refined Pirates, but introduces us to the more synth and beat-driven sound they explored in Menos El Oso. Lush lyrics and atmospheric production gives us a look at a band that still has plenty to create, goofy or not. Booyah Achieved.

4. The Good Life - Album Of The Year

I had a dream that Tim Kasher (the mastermind behind The Good Life, along with Cursive) and Conor Oberst got into a fistfight in the Saddle Creek offices. Tim was drunk (as usual) and jealous that Conor (also drunk) gets more attention with Bright Eyes, even though he's clearly lacking the songwriting talent and intelligence of Kasher. Album Of The Year drives this point home perfectly, as he accomplishes what Oberst can't do: a solid, emotional album from start to finish.

3. The Features - Exhibit A

The album picture is extra-big because it extra-rules. Emerging from the deepest mountains of the south, the Features crank the amps to 11 and blast out the catchiest and feel-goodiest album of 2004. Southern rock-meets-Pirate rock-meets brilliant-as-hell power pop-meets my still heart. You'll love it.

2. Q And Not U - Power

We now know that Power will be the final album for Q and Not U, choosing to disband in November of 2005. What I liked best about them was their ability to follow their own direction, and break free from the standard Dischord fare that the DC scene is known for. Power is the sound of a band again challenging themselves and pushing the envelope of their talent. Each Q and Not U album is great for different reasons, and Power is great because it was so unexpected.

1. Arcade Fire - Funeral

Funeral was released in September of 2004, but was more widely released at the very beginning of 2005. I snagged my copy the first week of January, and since then it has been the standard by which I measure what I'm listening to. I've listened to over 100 albums since that first week of January, and nothing has even come close to matching the emotion, intensity, depth and character of Funeral.

Rag on me all you want, but start by ragging on the dozens of critics, hundreds of respected musicians and thousands of obsessed fans that treasure this album with cult-like appeal. Check your favorite indie web page or magazine. Ask your favorite music critic. Most everyone knows and has agreed that Funeral is, was and always will be the best album of 2004/2005, so understand and accept it, yo. Don't hate the playa', hate da' game; and don't hate Arcade Fire because they're beautiful. I could go on for 10 more pages, but I'll save it because I'm no longer in the mind-changing business.

There you have it. In case you're keeping track, here's what the CDP has voted Album of the Year for the past few trips around the sun:

2003:
The Weakerthans - Reconstruction Site

2004:
#2 - Communique - Poison Arrows
#1 - Arcade Fire - Funeral

2005:
???

The 2005 list is on the way. Stay tuned, and start the flamewar in the comments section, ya' turds.

The CDP's Best Comments Of 2005.

After weeks of digging, indexing, clicking and sorting, I have assembled a ton of the best comments of the year. Here they are once again, to be enjoyed and praised. They are organized by topic.

Enjoy; there's a lot of funny stuff in here.

...On School:

SHERRY: Stupid, stupid, stupid school! I hate it so much!

PASTE: I got all A's in Stupid School.

CDP: And there I was, attending Regular School like a sucker.

...On Cereal Mascots:

HATHERY: I always thought that the Golden Crisp bear was kind of hot...he had a really lazy, sexy voice. MUCH better than the Sugar Smacks frog; I'd step on that if I saw it!

CDP: Pirates make great mascots, which is ironic because they make awful people.

In the summer, the Golden Crisp would melt together to make one giant cereal-ball. You had no choice but to eat the entire box at once.

I don't think that the Golden Crisp bear wore pants, but you may want to check for yourself.

HATHERY: Just the way I likes 'em!

CDP: Which do you like, cereal balls or bears with no pants? I seem to recall that you hate those pants-less bears on the Charmin commercials.

...On Poking Corpses With Sticks:

BENJAMIN: They are pulling the body of a 40-year-old man out of the Fox River just on the other side of the bridge by our apartment. I drove by on my way home from K-Mart and the area was taped off and a Cop was putting blue gloves on. I tried to get a look of the body from the other side of the river but didn't see anything. Hopefully they leave the body there so I can go poke it with a stick tonight.

CDP: If there's one thing that I've learned, it's not to go poking corpses with sticks. If you get so much as a fiber of DNA on it, you're in a whole heap-o-trouble.

BENJAMIN: For some reason, Green Bay's finest wouldn't let me touch it.

CDP: Fascists.

...On Finishing A 5-Mile Run:

MOM: I never thought that I would be wating in Camp Randall Stadium for you to finish a five mile run, but you have always kept me guessing. I was and am so proud of you.

CDP: I never thought I'd be doing something like that either, but I guess I try to stay open-minded about some things. Trust me, I hurt this morning, and I'd kick myself in the face if I could lift my leg.

...On Abercrombie & Fitch:

CDP: I've never been in an Abercrombie, but I threw an Orange Julius at their window once. Take THAT, scantily clad football player!

PASTE: What a coincidence, I once threw a pretentious 19yr old girl at the window of an Orange Julius.

CDP: Heh-heh. Throwing things at other things. It's a victimless hobby.

PASTE: Like punching someone in the dark.

...On The "Sleeve System":

PASTE: I don't understand how you can gauge how many Oreo's you've eaten with them just dumped in a tupperware container like that. I need the sleeve system.

CDP: Let me set the record straight. Usually I clean the house while "Love Connection" is on, because sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. Other times I'm quite content with eating 15 Oreos at 11 in the morning.

I also agree with the "sleeve system", but more importantly, you've helped me settle a bet that's been going on for quite some time. My wife insists that the term "sleeve" was something that I had made up, and she refuses to accept it as a cookie-related term. Truth is, everyone says "sleeve" but her.

PASTE: Hmm... new invention idea... sleeved Tupperware. 15% fewer crushed cookies when compared to sleeveless.

HATHERY: Sleeve...that's retarded. I believe the proper term is "thing", as in "How many things of crackers are there left in that box?"

CDP: "Sleeve" is the universal name for the usually tubular-shaped, vaccuum-sealed packages that food (usually snack items) comes in. The decision was made long before me, I'm just following orders.

...On Morrissey vs. Robert Smith:

HATHERY: I think that a fight between Morrisey and Robert Smith would never be possible because they would both be sobbing before either could even land a punch.

CDP: You're probably right. They'd just hug a lot and talk about loose-fitting silk shirts.

...On The Death Of My Fighting Fish:

FIDGET: 4 years? WOW that is a LONG time in fighting fish years. I had one named Fred and you could turn on music and fred would dance and jump in his bowl. One day i came home and Fred had jumped OUT of the bowl.

CDP: Here's a Haiku for "Dancin' Fred".

"Fred sure liked to dance.
But one day, he danced himself
Right out of the bowl."

I don't know if I'll get another one. It's weird not having to feed him in the morning, as it was the first thing I did every day for years (besides sobbing at the foot of my bed for several minutes).

...On "Star Wars: Episode III":

CDP: Sherry, how was episode III? I don't really care, I'm just being polite.

...On The Bible Prequel:

CDP: Can the Bible have a prequel? I suppose not, since the beginning of the Bible was...well, the beginning. It would be a very boring read.

PASTE: Hmm... Bible prequel. I bet it'd be a short brochure titled "So You've Decided to Create a Universe."

...On My CD Collection:

CDP: If someone jacked MY CD collection, I seriously wouldn't know what to do. Actually, we have Renter's Insurance, so I'd be able to buy most of them back (considering they were taken from my apartment), but I'd still feel like I lost about 1400 friends.

More like 100 really good friends, 300 acquaintances, and 1000 people that just embarrass me now.

...On Starting A Sex-Rock Outfit:

CDP: When me and Aaron start a 2-piece, sexy, ass-shaking dance-metal outfit, we'll rock so hard that your fillings will come loose and try to ask us out on dates.

RJ: If it's a 2 piece and you're not doing drums, then how does that work... unless the drum machine is doing all the work... But then it will become self aware and attempt to kill you. Violently. And Aaron should totally grow a porn star moustache.

(put a moustache on the drum machine, too.)

CDP: I've got lyrics covered. Check out this phat rhyme:

"I'm here to make you quiver,
So let your love unfold,
I can't talk to you at school,
Because I'm 29 years old."

AARON: Ryan, if you're writing lyrics like that, we NEED to be in a sleazy dance-metal band.

...On Humor:

CDP: Dissing Dr. Katz is blasphemy. That was one of the first shows that I can remember which used uncomfortable silence as a punchline.

HATHERY: I didn't think Dr. Katz was very funny...but probably because I couldn't hear anything, as I was too busy rolling on the floor and frothing from the mouth due to the animation. Same goes for Home Movies...I tend not to like things that make my pupils dilate at different speeds.

CDP: My wife has a brilliant sense of humor, although it's a bit hard to follow.Only the very miniscule and very over-the-top make her chuckle, with nothing in between. Prime example: she thinks that small, round things are funny (roma tomatoes), but she also thinks monkeys and poop are hilarious.It's really something special.

HATHERY: Only time I've ever found monkeys and poop funny together is that clip on Celebrity AFV where that monkey puts his finger in his butt, smells it, and falls off the log he's on. That was only funny because Coolio thought it was the funniest thing ever. So I guess that it wasn't the monkey that was funny, but Coolio thinking that a monkey sticking it's finger up its can is funny.

PASTE: Subtle humor is the tops for sure, but I'm still a sucker for seeing someone get racked.

CDP: I can appreciate and enjoy high-brow humor, but when I want Ben & Jerry's to come out of my nose, give me a sledding accident any day of the week.

...On Being Allergic To Cats:

PASTE: Hmm. I'm allergic to cats. But, most of the cats I've been around think the Blue Collar Comedy Tour is hilarious... So maybe it was the sense of humor that bothered me, and not the dander.

CDP: You're allergic to the senses of humor of Arkansas felines. That's funny.

Our cats love Animal Cops. It makes sense, because I love regular "Cops".

...On Horses:

RJ: So I got home from work about a half hour ago, and heard something running around my garage. Then I heard a horse. Fairly sure this horse had a headless rider seeking my soul, I hurried into the house. Turns out, it was 4 bloodthirsty horses, theoretically seeking revenge on humankind for imprisoning them. Either way, it woke up the puppy.

HATHERY: One trick to make those horses go away is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. 'Give me five bees for a quarter', you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah...the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war; the only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

PASTE: Ha ha ha... you win the Simpsons quoting contest.

HATHERY: I cheated though and got it off a webpage because I didn't know it word for word....

PASTE: The important thing is that you remembered that scene. Excellent application.

...On Preparing For Canada:

HATHERY: I was thinking we should try to bring along at least one nice outfit to wear because that one Italian restaurant we were going to go to is pretty upscale. We don't want to look like a bunch of yankee doodle dandies going into the place.

CDP: All of my outfits are nice outfits. Even my tank-tops have collars.

Was that funny, or just stupid?

SHERRY: We are planning on bringing at least one outfit for the nice restaurant. I haven't even started packing yet; but, I do have a list! I have to pack Ben's stuff too because he worked a double today and has to work at Kmart tomorrow! What a butthole!

CDP: My list rocks. It has things on it that I don't even own.

Do they have EZ-Cheeze in Canada? Better bring some with.

AARON: You kids have fun now. I'll be sure to drunk-dial each of you at least 10 times.

CDP: We won't be using our cell phones in Canada, so we might not get 'em.

However, you could "drunk-postcard" us if you're feeling industrious.

...On The "Introverts Club":

CDP: The beach flat-out sucked. Broken glass everywhere, drunks staggering around in the afternoon, clowns picking up dog poop. I was suspicious every time someone was walking towards me, and I eventually told the kids that I had to get outta there.

HATHERY: I think you said "I have to get out of here" pretty much every place we went.

CDP: You knew that I hated groups of more than 4 people when you met me.

PASTE: I thought I was the only one who did that. Time to start an introverts' club, which shall never convene.

CDP: Yeah. "Sorry, I can't make the meeting again. I have to...um, clean the fridge."

"That's okay, I'm not going either."

"Don't touch me!"

...On Leadership:

CDP: I'm a great leader, when I'm up to it. Catch me on a different day, and I don't want to talk to anyone.

Like today, for example. My supervisor asked me if I could edit some stuff for her. I punched her in the neck and lit the computer on fire. Any other day of the week, and I probably would have lacked the leadership skills that got me out of that situation.

...One-Liner Clearing House! (Part 1):

PASTE: Doc Martens are the best kind of shoes to kill people in.

CDP: I won't stop complaining about money until I have a solid gold house and a rocket car.

CDP: You threaten divorce on an hourly basis. You did it 3 times before I left for work today.

PASTE: The thing about teenagers is that once you're not one for a few years, you realize that they aren't cool, and never were, and you never were when you were one.

CDP: This is the walking punchline that is my life.

CDP: Bringing Arrested Development back is due compensation for giving Seth MacFarlane 2 shows on Sunday nights.

CDP: I follow trends like they're going out of style.

CDP: Dehumanization is the future. Nobody is responsible for their actions, and I blame O.J. for some reason.

AARON: You must really like cookies. I don't think you've ever looked that happy.

...On "Operation":

CDP: I forgot how truly horrifying it really was. It punishes imperfection and rewards skill of hand. Sort of like those Japanese game shows where they give you an enema on stage if you get a question wrong.

...On The Removal Of Pants:

AARON: Sorry I ditched out kinda early...it was just getting a little uncomfortable where the conversations were heading. But it was fun.

CDP: Oh yeah, I'm sure Sherry's sorry about making you feel uncomfortable. Things got pretty kinky after you left. Nah, they didn't. It was fun to watch her try to tug your pants off, though. I'm used to her doing that to me.

SHERRY: Aaron, I wasn't actually going to take your pants off (I don't think anyway). It was just a fun game at the time. I'm sorry that that's the reason you left. :(

CDP: He left because you weren't trying hard enough.

ANON: He probably left because Ryan didn't try to take his pants off...

CDP: I think that's what the ladies wanted us to do.

...On Male Nudity:

PASTE: The best use of male nakedness I know of was called the Nauman Knocker named after a guy at my college, though I don't know for sure if the idea originated with him. The basics of it was that in the middle of the night you'd go to the door of someone's dorm room, do a hand stand with your feet resting on either side of the door, legs spread across the doorway. An accomplice knocks on the door and when the victim opens the door all tired and bleary-eyed, his picture is taken by the accomplice. I guess they trusted that a person in that sleepy state wouldn't consider racking soon enough to turn the tables on the pranksters.

CDP: The "Nauman Knocker" is the funniest thing I've heard all day. It contains the quiet dignity that's so lacking in "tea bagging".

What's with all the naked talk lately, anyway?

PASTE: I know, I can hardly bare it. Hey-o!

...On Dying My Hair:

MOM: Since you are trying new things, how about going back to the blond and then tying the shaggy????

CDP: "Tying the Shaggy"? I don't know what that means, but I don't swing that way, seriously.

...On Going Bald:

PASTE: Just in case there was a screwup in your gene transfer and you start to lose your hair in a few years... The only dignified thing to do is shave your head or buzz it very short. Everything I know in this life, I learned from Sean Connery and Bruce Willis.

CDP: Yeah, if I start to lose my hair, I will go to the ends of the earth to cover it up. I'm stockpiling crates of GLH. Thank you, RonCo!

...On The "Brown Note":

PASTE: My brown note is a 41-cycle hum, so I am the messiest bass player in the south land.

CDP: Yes, it should be noted that if you were to talk to me on the phone, my voice projects a subsonic frequency that usually will tamper with your bowels. It's the damnest thing.

What's your bass-player nickname? Allow me to suggest "Chief Brownbottom". You could wear a head dress and everything.

PASTE: I was thinking about going with "Thunderpants."

CDP: Woah, that's good on so many levels. You can use that name for any number of professions: Incontinent bass player, professional wrestler, exotic dancer, hot sauce spokesman... The list literally never ends.

PASTE: And all that without being offensive. Except for the constant pooping part.

CDP: Poop jokes. That's the only way this planet's ever going to unite as one.

...On Dave Thomas:

CDP: Dave Thomas was a satanist, though. You take the good with the bad.

HATHERY: Dave Thomas was a saint, you ass!

...On Driving In Chicago:

CDP: Lock your door. Not for your safety, but the safety of those around you. You're going to have a few moments where you want to kill the person next to you. Reaching for a locked door will give you a few seconds to clear your mind of murder.

HATHERY: Toronto drivers are far more polite than Chicago drivers; that's the only reason why I think I'd prefer the Toronto driving over Chicago. In Chicago, putting your blinker on and waiting doesn't mean someone is going to let you in.

PASTE: I'm sure they'll see my Arkansas plates and wave me in.

...On Poop. Again:

CDP: I just woke up. The Missus is taking a shower, and I just heard a massive crash come from her bathroom. I have to go and check on her now.

PASTE: Hope there are no shower injuries.

CDP: Everything seems to be fine downstairs. She didn't mention anything when she came out, so maybe I just heard a neighbor getting murdered or something. Flanders sucks.

HATHERY: You never did come to see if I was okay, ya jerk! Usually you come and see if I'm okay when I've just dropped a brush or something. What happened was that rack that is in the shower held up by suction cups decided to stop functioning and it and of its contents spilled to the floor. It scared me pretty bad. I pooped a little.

CDP: If you pooped, at least you were in the shower at the time. Damn it, why must you sink this page to the lowest common denominator all the time?

PASTE: I pooped a little because I was laughing at the "pooped a little" comment.

CDP: Oh, here we go. Now everyone's pooping.

PASTE: I predict that IPAL is going to be the new LOL.

CDP: Oh, that's brilliant.

...On Pop-Up Blockers:

PASTE: How does it know which pops to block up? I love technology.

CDP: I'm glad you axed, for I know the answer.

Pop-Up Blockers block ONLY the following types of Pops:

Kellog's Corn Pops, Pop Rocks, Dr. Seuss's "Hop on Pop", the rebroadcast and unauthorized rebroadcast of VH-1's "Pop-Up Video", Ice Pops AND Freeze Pops, Popples, Poppables, Non-Stop Pop 97.1FM, Things that go "pop" in the night & Crystal Pepsi.

Anything else works fine.

...On Cleaning The House:

PASTE: I'm going to start a home makeover show for bachelors. It'll pretty much just involve putting stuff away, throwing away old magazines, and vacuuming and dusting a little bit.

CDP: I'd watch that show.

"Now, if you'll notice, I've tossed out all of the Entertainment Weekly's and TV Guide's from earlier than 2004, and that really opens up the room a bit."

"Amazing! Thank you, Clinton!"

HATHERY: Ryan has the "tidying-up" aspect of cleaning down to a science, but the "cleaning" part is where we actually have the trouble. (i.e. the definition of cleaning off a table does not mean just wiping all the crumbs onto the carpet for me to vacuum later)

CDP: I keep TELLING you, that way is easier for ME!

...On Parades Getting Cancelled Due To Tornadoes:

CDP: Man, we got lucky. Jeff said that the tornado sirens were going off in Sun Prairie. He called the town at 6:15 to see if they cancelled the parade, and they said "Well, we haven't called it off yet." Jeff then held his phone out the window and said, "Do you hear that? Those are YOUR tornado sirens!"

They did call it off, by the way. Apparently, Jeff was standing on Main Street by himself for a bit before he realized what was up.

HATHERY: I went to the trouble of emailing the chamber of commerce this morning to find out if it was rescheduled. All I got back from them was "it's a rain or shine event, thus it was not rescheduled." I had no idea if that meant it was cancelled and would not be rescheduled or if all those people marched down main street in the middle of a tornado yesterdy!

CDP: Wow. Apparently, the Sun Prairie Chamber of Commerce only answers their e-mails in riddle form.

(RING)

"Greetings and salutations, this is the Sun Prairie Chamber of Commerce."

"Um, hello? Yeah, I was just wondering if the parade was still going on tonight. I heard tornado sirens going off, and-"

"-I shall answer your question. But first, you must answer me these riddles three."

"Excuse me? It's raining pretty hard out there, and-"

"Riddle number one. An Ambulance, a Fire Truck, a Police car and a Mail truck all pull up to a four-way stop at the same time, who has the right of way?"

"What? Is the parade still on?"

"Tell me who has the right of way, and you will be one step closer to your destination."

"Um...Hell, I don't know. Whoever has their lights on, I suppose."

"I will accept that response. Riddle number two is as follows."

"Jesus...Look, I-"

"SILENCE! Riddle two is as follows. As I was heading to St. Ives, I passed a man with 7 wives. Every wife had seven cats, every cat had seven sacks, every sack had seven bats and every bat had seven hats. How many people were going to St. Ives?"

"You've got to be kidding me. You know, I can just walk down Main Street for myself to-"

"Oh, I wouldn't do that. There's a tornado out there. Answer the riddle."

"Well, if you passed them on the way to St. Ives, then only you were headed there, so my answer is 1."

(SILENCE)

"Um...yes. That is correct."

"Damn right, hit me with the third riddle, Chief."

"Um...the query you insist upon...um, doesn't-"

"You don't have a third riddle, do you?"

"No. The parade has been cancelled."

(CLICK)

...On Wafflehouse:

CDP: I'll check 'oot Wafflehouse though, because I've never been to one and you swear by them. We don't have them here.

PASTE: For real, you know you've found a good eatery when you can sit at the counter and reflect on the poor decisions you've made in your life while "Tight Fittin' Jeans" by Dolly Parton is playing on the jukebox. I don't know why other restaurants even bother to exist.

CDP: That sounds very depressing and empowering at the same time. It's right up my alley. Normally, when I stop to reflect on my bad life decisions, I'm already in the back of the squad car.

RJ: I went to IHOP for funnel cake at 2am tonight. It was fantastic. I also did a rousing Alex Trebek impression, using my fingers as a fake moustache.

...On Pirating "Lost":

SHERRY: Well, back to watching and obsessing over Lost!

HATHERY: What? You guys are on the LOST wagon too? Since when!?!

CDP: Probably since Ben pirated all the episodes.

SHERRY: Ben and I are completely done watching all of the first season. It took us less than a week to watch them all because we were so hooked!

CDP: You're welcome. Ben should buy himself a parrot.

HATHERY: No kidding. Couldn't wait a bloody week for the DVD's to come out???? "I love the show so much that I want to steal everything I can from it!!!!"

CDP: You're stealing food right out of Hurley's mouth.

...On "Lost" Being Too Complicated:

MOM: I was considering jumping on the Lost bandwagon this season, but after reading your summary I was so confused I decided to stick with "So you think you can dance". It is so much easier to follow.

CDP: I don't know. I heard that they'll be throwing in a real twist at the end, when they bring in a monster that kills all the dancers one by one.

...On Mutton Chop:

PASTE: Mutton, Music and movies are getting so expensive these days. Are their any pirate techniques for reducing my entertainment budget?

I do know the difference between "their" and "there."

MUTTON: Yaarrrr! Ye' came to the right place. Just PIRATE thy goods! Steal it, burn it and leave the in-darr-stry to eat itself alive! They de-sarrr-ve it, for giving us such sub-paarrrrr en-tarr-tainment!

By thee way, I also know thy difference between "tharr" and "tharrr". "Tharrr" has an extra "arrr" in it. Happy sailing!

...On Steven Avery:

ANON: Where do you get off posting all this information? It's been all over CNN and such, that they have no positive identification on the remains, and for that matter, that they aren't even sure they are -human-.

CDP: There's no information on this post that I didn't quote directly from reputable Wisconsin news and media sources. If it's incorrect or starting to get out of date, I suggest looking at an actual news site to get your current information.

If Avery is cleared of charges, I'll send you a CDP t-shirt.

PASTE: Man, what's with all the SLAM! lately.

CDP: Yeah, really. You accuse one guy of murder, and all of a sudden people get testy.

...On Blues Harmonica:

CDP: I live in an apartment, so I can't really make as much noise as I used to. The only instrument that I use anymore on a regular basis is a harmonica that I play when I'm trying to anger the Missus. I sing her blues songs I make up on the spot, and I usually pass out before I get to the chorus. I'm not very good.

PASTE: She'll miss that harmonica when she goes to prison... for killing you with the harmonica.

CDP: She loves my improvisational blues harmonica. She didn't realize how musically versitile I was until after she married me. It's a good thing she doesn't believe in divorce.

...On Fixing The Garage Door:

TINMAN: Oh yeah, have to fix the garage door. For the last six months, the sender unit has been broken and my garage door will not close by itself. So I have to open it, back the car out, then go in and close it manually. Now this is tricky, because you have to keep constant pressure on the button until it is completely closed. I have no problem with this and would be alright with doing this through the winter and saving the $50 it will cost for a new unit. However, it will be worth it just to not have to watch the other two females in my house turn this simple procedure into something similar to solving a Rubiks cube. You see, whenever we all go somewhere, I back the car out and leave it up to one of them to close the door. I then sit in my car and watch the door go up and down, in 2 foot increments, for the next ten minutes. So, I’ll fix the door.

...On Best Buy:

PASTE: My friend Kirk of secretfunspot.com fame often go to Best Buy to purchase music and movies. So now our standard joke when we get to the counter is for me to loudly say, "Kirk, that's that magazine you've been wanting but you wanted to try it out first before you commit to a long term subscription!" Then he makes fun of me for almost forgetting to show my reward zone card about a year and a half ago.

CDP: It's gotten to the point at my local Best Buy where the kid points to the magazine and I just shake my head. We've got it down to non-verbal cues now.

...One-Liner Clearing House! (Part 2):

PASTE: The guy-in-the-mirror thing reminded me of the film Pi. I really hated that movie, which is weird because I'm good at math.

CDP: There WAS a "Price is Right" slot machine that was sort of fun, but it sucked my money down so fast I didn't even have a chance to enjoy it. Rot in hell, Rod Roddy!

HATHERY: Another cool thing about Kubrick movies is that no matter which one you watch, you'll always find that you hated it more than the last one you watched.

CDP: Yeah, there's no deeper ghetto than where Aaron lives. We've got to get him out of there before he converts and starts scratching up all his nice vinyl.

CDP: They've got some sort of control over me, and I think it may have something to do with Cinnabon.

PASTE: A good blog is hard to find. When you find it, you just have to grab it by the points and you don't let go no matter what your mom says. :hits top of table for emphasis:

AARON: Well when are you guys going to be in the area next? We can play some drunken Scrabble and then kill a homeless man and bury him in my basement. Just like the old days.

CDP: Someone's gotta come down and keep me company. I can't just spend the weekend as the only guy surrounded by pretty ladies with sparkling personalities. Don't you know how bored I'd get?

CDP: Nothing says love like a drunken wrestling match. All the staged Niagara Falls pictures in the world can't match the emotion you feel when you airplane spin a loved one.

CDP: Just because Mr. Promise Ring has a lisp doesn't make him a bad artist. Remember when we met? I couldn't read!

CDP: Us skinny hipsters can't hold a candle to a Neil Diamond fan. You can't out-dance a punch in the neck.

...On Blog Material:

PASTE: I'm gonna have to start making up crap for my languishing blog.

CDP: That's what I do. I've been bedridden since 1989.

...On Sherry Falling Asleep:

AARON: Its funny how whenever Sherry is over to drink, she just ends up passing out in some embarrasing position.

CDP: Sherry falls asleep like that weather she's drinking or not. She's usually out by about 9. I swear that she married Ben specifically to use him as a pillow.

...On Religion:

CDP: Here's a tip: If you're trying to convert someone, don't contradict yourself right away. Spread it out over the course of a lifetime.

The bulk of my friends and I are intelligent Christians who just happen to sport tattoos (mostly my wife) and a lot of black clothing (mostly me). In the wildest dreams of the people who gave us that tape, they would have never guessed that we would go straight home and listen to it, which was exactly what we did!

When I start handing out literature at parades, I'll know that I've finally strayed.

PASTE: Oh, I didn't know you had tattoos. In that case, you actually are going to Hell.

...On Nightmares:

AARON: I had a dream about killing zombies the other night. I'm pretty sure it took place in my basement. Which makes sense, since there are probably dead bodies down there.

I don't normally remember my dreams, but lately I have been, and they've been weird.Last night there was a dream involving snakes. I woke up and thought there was a snake in the bed, so I got up and thought I saw one slither under the sheets. Shook the sheets out trying to find it, then realized..."oh, yeah. that was a dream."

CDP: You should drink more.

HATHERY: I'm sure it was a real snake...probably was feasting on the basement-corpses.

CDP: Oh, yeah. I bet you have a snake in the basement that occasionally sneaks into your room while you sleep. He started out tiny, but after years of living off nothing but zombies, he's 15 feet long and about 500 pounds.

He's gunna kill you.

...On Exploding Heads:

HATHERY: Ryan stares at me that way daily in hopes that my head will explode. Sometimes he does it when I'm sleeping in an attempt to catch me at a more vulnerable time. Still, my brain power is far too advanced for him to explode my head, or even implode it for that matter.

CDP: I do brain exercises with the Missus daily to increase my killing power.

...On Drinking Infected Beer:

CDP: The beer was "infected", in that the oxidants and yeast were at levels where the grains were being...you know what? Forget it.

All it meant was that it tasted bad, because the guy who brewed it (a friend of my co-worker) has a lot of cats in his house, and doesn't wash things.

MOM: Eeeewww.

CDP: He thought it was pretty funny, though, and once I got out of the hospital, I also had a good laugh.

Speaking of which, the batch I helped make should be ready any day now. I'm worried about it, because I couldn't stop sneezing into the vat.

...On TiVo:

CDP: Yeah, I don't have a TiVO, I have a Moxi DVR that I orderd through Charter. I just call it a "TiVo" because everyone already knows what that is. You can record two shows at once, but you can't watch a third show at the same time.

My suggestion to the Missus was for us to buy a second box, so we could tape four shows at once.

AARON: I think you kids take TV way too seriously. Four shows at once!? Come on. Who needs that much TV. Go play outside.

PASTE: That makes no sense to me at all. TiVo is inside.

...On "Intelligent Music":

CDP: Yeah, now that I listen to more "intelligent" music, I get to stand amongst more intelligent crowds. I don't miss the punk shows at all, where I'd get my ass handed to me night after night, and come home smelling like 100 other people more filthy than I was. It was fun to play them, though. I've found that a mosh is more fun if you're the one playing the music.

SHERRY: "Intelligent" eh? Mozart, Bach, or Beethoven would f-ing blow your mind.

CDP: You're right, I bet you had much better crowd experiences at Mozart shows.

PASTE: I saw the movie Beethoven starring Charles Grodin. I didn't think it was that intelligent. Dogs are funny, though.

CDP: Yeah, that dog didn't look like he could play the piano, but I'll take her word for it.

...On NyQuil:

SHERRY: I want some NyQuil! I might need it after spending the night with nine other people in a one King-sized bed hotel room on Thursday night!

CDP: You'll either need some NyQuil or a pregnancy test.

HATHERY: Yikes, I would hate to sleep in a room with that many other people!

AARON: Oh, there was no sleeping involved. That's why she needs the NyQuil.

CDP: Ironically, Ben will also be sleeping with 9 people while Sherry's away.

AARON: Sure, if you count Star Wars figures as people.

CDP: Which he most certainly does.

...On Bugs:

HATHERY: Bugs and you don't mix. We almost crashed the car that one day because you were flipping out about that winged-ant on my steering wheel....

CDP: Hey, that winged ant was so big it was steering the damn car.

...On Reality Shows:

PASTE: It must be like some sort of reality show living at your house.

CDP: It's actually pretty embarrassing how quiet it is at our place. I sometimes run a chainsaw just for the illusion of company.

PASTE: Since I don't actually know any of you, you guys are like my own personal reality show.

CDP: I've always wanted to be on my own reality show. In many ways, this is it.

...On Tony Little:

PASTE: Poor Tony Litte. Who is there to motivate you at the end of the day?

CDP: All Tony has left is his Gazelle.

PASTE: That's all any of us really have, if you think about it, is Tony's Gazelle.

CDP: That either made no sense, or more sense than I'll ever know.

PASTE: I've learned a lot about myself today.

...On The Longest Thread Ever:

http://communistdanceparty.blogspot.com/2005/09/cdp-fall-tv-preview.html#comments

So, there you have it. I feel cleansed and ready to start anew. In the next couple weeks, expect to see year-end lists and countdowns, Lost Fridays and various other business. I can't wait until this year is over so I can get back to just writing funny stuff. My obsession with closure overshadows my willingness to write stupid essays.

Go to the comments section and tell us what your favorite quote of 2005 is.

Season 2 – Episode 9 – “What Kate Did.”

Once again, another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

With Lost going on a 5-week hiatus after Wednesday's episode, they needed a cliffhanger to keep people guessing and obsessing over the holiday season. “What Kate Did” delivered, giving us one of the most important episodes of the series thus far. That being said, it was one of the most frustrating hours of television I’ve seen all year.

Wikipedia, give me the skinny!

...err...

You know what? Screw Wikipedia. No offense or anything, but for weeks now, I’ve been cutting, pasting and editing the user-submitted episode reviews so they're legible and accurate enough to put up here. This week’s Wiki-review is paltry and full of holes, so I’m taking over the reigns today. Besides, my reviews are way better. Always.

CDP, give me the updated skinny!

KATE, YO.


(This is what happens when George Bush tries to make toast.)

Right smack at the beginning of the episode, we find out what Kate initially did to start her life on the run. After taking an insurance policy out on the family’s house under her mother’s name, Kate causes a gas leak and blows it sky-high.


("Let's get you all ready for the explosion, Pops.")

I should also mention that Wayne, her drunken stepfather, was passed out in the house at the time. Kate takes off and visits her Mother at the diner where she works. She explains to her what had happened, gives her the insurance papers and disappears.


("Mom, I killed Dad. Are you still serving breakfast?")

While at a bus station, the Marshall catches up with Kate as she attempts to get a ticket to Florida. Apparently, her mother turned her in to the authorities, and she was promptly arrested for murder. The Marshall takes her away to the station, but gets involved in a car accident, going off the road in an attempt to dodge a large black horse in the road. Weird. After a brief struggle, Kate breaks free and escapes again.


(This is what happens when George Bush tries to make toast.)

Before she leaves for good, she stops at the military recruiting office where her father works. She discusses everything with him, including a discovery she had made. While looking through pictures of her father in the armed forces while comparing dates, she realized that he could not have been her real father. This meant that Wayne was her actual father, who she had just killed in the blast. We would later find out that Kate knew this before the explosion, choosing to kill him because she would never be able to feel good enough for anyone, knowing that asshole Wayne was her father. That takes care of that.


(You can save your "Kate is a horse-face" jokes; I'm way ahead of you.)

Back on the island, Kate starts seeing the same black horse that caused the accident with the Marshall. Chalking it up to lack of sleep, she ignores it for the time being. Meanwhile, in the hatch, Sawyer starts asking Jack where Kate is. He then mumbles, “I love her.”


(Rated TV-14: Excessive stubble advisory.)

Kate chooses to tend to Sawyer while everyone else is attending Shannon’s funeral (everyone except Ana Lucia, that is). While the funeral takes place, Sawyer has a bit of a possessed freak-out, choking Kate and demanding to know why she killed him. Shaken and stirred, Kate abandons the hatch, leaving Sawyer and the computer to fend for themselves.


("Did you say something about my stubble?")

After the funeral, Locke and Jack arrive at the hatch to find Sawyer sprawled on the floor, the computer wailing with a few seconds to go and Kate nowhere to be seen.


(This is what happens when George Bush tries to make toast.)

Locke enters the numbers just as the timer reaches zero, and Jack makes sure that Sawyer is stable before heading out to find Kate. When he catches up to her, they exchange bizarre dialogue before Kate breaks down and kisses him. She then runs off, leaving Jack by himself to wonder what just happened.


("Please. Say something, anything nice about my stubble.")

Back in the hatch, Kate starts looking over Sawyer again, now thinking if he is channeling the spirit of Wayne (he did ask her why she killed him, after all). She tells him why she killed him just as Sawyer starts coming to. Eventually, Sawyer becomes coherent again and asks where he is. Considering that he’s in a bed, Sawyer thinks that they have been saved, but Kate takes him outside to prove they are still on the island. It’s at that point where they both see the black horse on the island. Kate touches it just as it runs away.

HATCH, YO.


(Even after a plane crash, Locke still likes to bust out the vacation tapes.)

Locke is explaining to Michael what they know so far about the hatch. Mr. Eko seems strangely interested in this conversation, beginning to open up a dialogue with Locke. Michael remarks that there are blast doors in the hatch, which come down in the case of an explosion. Locke also clarifies that the numbers can’t be entered into the computer until the clock is at 4 minutes. Locke then shows Michael and Eko the Orientation tape, which again, clearly has pieces removed from it. Locke doesn’t think too much of it, but Eko sits him down later with a surprise.


(This copy of the Old Testament had a coupon in it.)

Eko tells Locke that they had found another hatch on the other side of the island, containing, among other strange things, the Old Testament of the Bible. As he shares this information with Locke, he opens the book to find it hollowed out and containing a reel of film. Holding it up to the light, Locke realizes that this is the missing piece of the Orientation film. Eko reminds Locke to not mistake coincidence with fate, which sounds remarkably like something Locke would normally say.


(Marvin Candle reminds me of Satan, except a wee bit more evil.)

Sitting down to watch the newly spliced film, the missing footage reveals that the computer must never be used in attempted contact with the outside world. Doing so might compromise the project and lead to another "incident". Weird. As they try to figure out what it all means, Michael starts snooping around by the computer again.


(Early cyber-hatch-sex.)

When the clock reaches 51 minutes, Michael hears a beep coming from the computer. Looking at the screen, he sees the word “Hello?” Responding back with “Hello?”, the transmission asks who he is. Michael responds with “Michael. Who is this?”

The screen reads back, “Dad?”

As we see Michael’s reaction, the screen goes dark; Lost starts a 5-week vacation and I crawl into a bottle of whiskey until January 11.

When this episode was over, I was pounding my fists in frustration, cursing and throwing cats left and right. After such a cool revelation and discovery, we have to sit on our hands until 2006.

Make with the numbers, damn it!


(Yeah, I feel really bad for the poor Korean doorman. Just awful.)

1. Jin and Sun totally slept together. Hurley knew what was up. Good for them. How gratuitous of the producers to start the show off with a shirtless Jin, leading into a constantly-shirtless Sawyer. I'm offended. I mean, in the first season, Shannon, Kate and Sun were in a bikini only like, half of the time. For shame!

2. The best line of the night belongs to Hurley. "So...Rose's husband is white. Didn't see that one coming."


(This is what happens when George Bush tries to make toast.)

3. In addition to being the main focus at Shannon’s funeral, Sayid popped up on the television in the military recruiting office where Kate’s (former?) father worked. That's what you get when you torture people for a living.


("How dare you disgrace the American flag? That's the flag my Daddy rebelled against!")

4. The relationship between Locke and Eko is amazing. Not only are they great characters with interesting backstories, but they are played by the two best actors on the show. Their faith, along with their secrets and willingness to believe will be a huge driving force for the rest of the season. I especially liked how genuinely interested Locke seemed when Eko was telling him the story about Josiah.


(Locke is humming the Honey Comb jingle in his head the whole time.)

5. Speaking of which, the mysterious episode 10 will be an Eko-centric episode. I’d talk to you about it now, but then what would we have to talk about for the next five weeks? Sports? Okay, then.


(Eko is humming the theme from "Shaft" in his head the whole time.)

6. Well, the Colts are certainly the team to beat this year, currently 11-0. A lot of critics, and even former Dolphins Coach Don Shula, think that they can pull off the first perfect season since his Miami team of 1972. I don't think this will happen, but it should be fun to watch it all play out.


("Three thousand blinking lights, and I can't get one damn key made!")

7. The discovery of the blast doors, the missing Orientation footage and the mysterious encounter with the computer have left us reeling and waiting for answers. Even though I knew that Michael would have something like this happen to him, it was still pretty wild when it happened. Was it Walt? Is someone screwing with him? Where is he? Here’s hoping that sometime before the end of the season, Walt will get a flashback episode, and then I can die in peace. Well, there's a lot of things I still need to do before I die, but seeing a Walt flashback episode is probably one of them. Top 10, at least.

8. As previously stated, Lost Friday will continue each week, but there won’t be a new episode of Lost until January 11. In the upcoming weeks, we’ll talk about the next few new episodes, along with a lot of other stuff that we normally can’t dwell on when there’s new episodes to talk about. It should be interesting enough, so don’t forget to come back and check it ‘oot.

While you’re at it, don’t forget to check out all of my previous Lost Friday posts. See you next week.

SEASON TWO - EPISODE 8 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 7 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 6 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 2
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 5 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 4 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 3 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 1 REVIEW
SEASON TWO PREVIEW