Monday, January 23

53 Random Facts About Chuck Norris.

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(Becoming an Internet Phenomenon, one mistake at a time. I'll never show this photo again.)

I know I'm a little behind on the Internet Phenomenon that is 'Random Facts About Chuck Norris,' but better late than never, 'eh? It's really about time that we, as a nation, embraced a true icon of American TV and film, in all his roundhouse-kicking glory.

Never one to miss out on a chance to increase my traffic, I'm on board. I've compiled this list by sifting through hundreds of Norris facts and selecting the one's I thought were the best. Because I know funny, this is pretty much the best collection you'll find on the web.

This list is hilarious; if one doesn't get you, the next five will. Enjoy, while I take the day off.

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(Feel the crippling power of Norris!)

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3. Chuck Norris does not hunt, because the word ‘hunting’ infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

5. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

6. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

8. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming ‘Law and Order’ are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

9. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

10. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

11. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

12. President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq; However, Chuck Norris was busy that day.

13. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

14. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

15. As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later, the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated team in professional football history.

16. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured the man’s blindness. Sadly, the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris.

17. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the hell down.

18. Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

19. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

20. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

21. Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

22. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

23. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this glitch, Norris replied, "That's no glitch," and proceeded to kill them with a devastating roundhouse kick.

24. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

25. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

26. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

27. At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

28. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard.” Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

29. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

30. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane.”

31. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling “Bang!”

32. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise.” It starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons; and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

33. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds till what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

34. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

35. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

36. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

37. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records, it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

38. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

39. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

40. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

41. When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.

42. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

43. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

44. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

45. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man ate an Indian.

46. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

47. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

48. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".

49. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

50. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

51. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

52. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

53. An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds awesome.

I've read this list like, 8 times now, and it's still funny. Create your own 'Random Fact About Chuck Norris,' or just sound off in the comments section.

Before you go, I have a Commie Award to hand out!

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The lastest Commie Award goes out to Head Coach Bill Cowher and the Pittsburgh Steelers, who are the first #6 seed to reach the Superbowl. More impressive still, they are the first NFL team to beat the #1, #2 and #3 teams on the road (Cincinnati, Indianapolis and Denver, in that order). Amazing. Look for them to make history when they beat the Seattle Seahawks in the Extra Large Bowl.

Okay, I'm outta here.

Comments:
My favorite is "Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter." because it works on so many levels.
 
I can't pick a favorite, there's about a handful that are constantly funny. I like all the Fast Food related ones too, for some reason.

There was one that I didn't put on here that I should have:

"Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three moves."
 
That is simply amazing.
 
It really is comedic genius. It's the sheer absurdity of the whole thing that gets me.

Strangely enough, if you use anyone else's name but Chuck Norris, it's not as funny.

Oh yeah, according to the Missus, women dont find these kinds of things funny. That's absolutely true, but I'm not a woman.
 
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
 
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Whoever wrote that deserves a ribbon.
 
I promise I know how to make URL references.
 
Here's a list of 10 things that men think are hilarious, and women think are stupid:

Pirates
Ninjas
Monkeys
The Three Stooges
Mr. T, along with most 80's culture
'Airplane!'
Flash-animated web cartoons
Impressions
When other men get hurt
Men

I'm not looking to get into an argument or anything, it's just generally accepted that this is the way it is. Either gender has no problem with this.
 
I just bought the Real Ultimate Power book. It's hilarious, and at least one female agrees on that.
 
It's funny because it's true.
 
From ChuckNorris.com:

IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET

I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris
 
I think it'd be hilarious if I had a whole shelf full of Chuck Norris books and DVDs in my living room. It'd be funny for a month or two anyway, if I started about a month ago.
 
I have a friend who bought 6 Dolph Lundgren movies one day. That's funny in the same sort of way.
 
See, this started as a silly post, and turned into an examination into what is funny and why. That's what I like about etc.

For example, the Chuck Norris response e-mail is funny because he's plugging his book, and isn't entirely in on the joke.

However, he did show up on Conan O' Brien and roundhouse kick him in the face a few months ago, so that's pretty much the coolest thing ever.

If you don't know, for a few weeks, Conan O'Brien had a big yellow lever behind his desk that would play absurd 'Walker, Texas Ranger' clips when pulled. One night, he came out of the crowd and.. well, you know.
 
Power Tools. Women just don't get excited about power tools. Of course we all know who put the power in the power tools. Thank the man will ya?
 
This is one of those weird phenomenons where somehow I wasn't on the internet for like 20 minutes, and when I came back, I started finding Chuck Norris references and jokes everywhere. And then there was the Chuck Norris thing on SNL this week. Truly odd how fast something random like this moves...
 
Wow. I just watched that video clip from paste. Holy freakin' crap!

It's hard for me to identify with the whole ironic aspect of Walker, Texas Ranger, because my father-in-law LOVED that show when it was on, so I was forced to watch it all the time. DAMN YOU, CHUCK NORRIS!
 
I'm surprised you had time to hit the enter key to post that.
 
Yeah, SNL did the 'Young Chuck Norris' short last week, and let's not forget the hilarious Pirate Convention sketch.

I had never seen that Conan clip before; wow. You know that's Haley Joel Osent, right? I laughed way longer than I should have.

Now that I have something new to enjoy ironically, I've noticed that they play Walker pretty much non-stop on the Hallmark Channel.
 
I think I'm going to take it upon myself to throw "Walker told me I have AIDS" into as many conversations as possible when people are having fun just to kill the mood.

At first, I thought the "joke" was that it was Haley Joel Osment, and then had to watch the "reveal" of the AIDS like 4 times because it was so horrifying/great.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to buy a Peter SARSguard...

/ps - I finally just updated my friggen blog...
 
What's with Haley Joel Osment and surprise endings?
 
Boys will be boys.
 
Walker told me I have AIDS.







/too soon?
 
I got to thinking... who would win in a fight between Tony Little and Chuck Norris? This led to a google Tony Little search, to soon turn to a "Tony Little CDP" search, to see what turned up. The top listing... this. I refuse to even comment on it.
 
I learned something about Oscar tonight... He wasn't actually sick today!
 
Walker told me Oscar was gay.
 
In one fell swoop, Chuck Norris surpasses Tony Little in CDP popularity. I can accept that. Meanwhile, Flava Flav and Mr. T have to battle for third place scraps.

This completely out of control. 'Guys Gone Wild?' Seriously?
 
This IS completely out of control. I'm ashamed.
 
Lindsay, I'm in the cutoffs again.
 
Did I miss an episode of Arrested last night or something? I certainly hope not.
 
That's from Season 2, when Zach Braff guest stars as the producer of Girls With Low Self-Esteem.
 
Oh, that's right. Whew.

I'd much rather be out of the quoting loop than miss a new episode, thus removing me from future quoting loops.
 
Yup, catch 22.
 
Hey I just made up a chuck norris random fact while reading this page. Tell me if its any good.

There are only 2 things that can be seen from space, the great wall of china and Chuck Norris.
 
The titanic didnt hit an iceburg it ran into Chuck Norris practicing his roundhouse kicks under water.

Chuck norris uses a live rattle snake as a condom
 
when Chuck Norris downloads a song from iTunes, they pay him 99 cents.
 
wow u guys are really stupid and yet it is so funny all at the same time
 
...
 
While visiting Europe, early in the 19th century, Chuck Norris was spotted by Dracula. Hoping to convert Chuck Norris into a vampire, and thus ensure the survival of vampires for all eternity, Dracula attempted to drink Chuck Norris's blood. Instead of turning Chuck into a vampire, Dracula turned into a copy of Chuck Norris. But that created a riff in the space time continuum, resulting in a Chuck Norris black hole, which sucked up the original Chuck Norris. However, Chuck quickly gave the black hole a roundhouse kick, defeating it utterly. Chuck Norris wrote an account of this incident, and it was later adapted into the movie Star Trek IV.
 
these are redicously funny but one funnier that relates to where i am now is "chuck Norris didn't have to learn to spell, his teacher sent new word to webster instead"
 

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