Tuesday, January 31


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This is my sister. Her name is Alissa, and she probably looks much better than you. Don't let that bother you, though; I've had to deal with this harsh reality for most of my life. I can, however, usually defeat her in Scrabble and Trivial Pursuit, so at least that's something.

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I only bring this all up because she turns 19 years old today. That's a pretty good age to turn, if I remember correctly. It's the last year of being a teenager, which is both depressing and exciting. For me, it was 365 straight days of Hardware Store customer service. 19 is really an awful age.

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Upon seeing Alissa for the first time, you may wonder why I didn't acquire any similar good looks from my mother or father. This is still a baffling mystery to me, and I've consulted many adoption agencies over the years. As it turns out, I'm adopted, but only a little bit.

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I mean, why can't I be a model? Why can't she be a struggling writer? Being a man of small victories and leverage, I've decided to put all these pictures of her up as some sort of jealous retribution. I feel better already, but it only drives the point home that I'm small and ugly, inside and out.

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She checks out the CDP frequently but never posts, apparently because Chuck Norris jokes and the word 'oot' don't really attract that '14-19 female' demographic that MySpace seems to have cornered. Fair enough, though, it only adds to her mystique. We both strive to be ultimately ignored and forgotten, so it's viewed by many as a poor career choice for us to become a model and internet phenomenon. I bet Salinger never had a blog.

Here's a small bit of trivia for you. Our birthdays are 1 day short of 5 years apart. For those keeping score at home, this means that I turn 24 tomorrow. Don't tell anyone, it's a secret.

Happy birthday, Alissa. Our family is pretty lucky to have us, because we freaking rule.

(The answers to 'Fact or Crap?' will arrive tomorrow, I think.)

Yes, you do rule. I love you both!
Hooray for acceptance!
Wait, your sister's a model now? When did that happen?

Ryan, you're kind of a model too. Remember when you were on the cover of Beardin'?
Oh yeah, I remember Beardin'. I did a 5-page spread with them. They sent me a ton of swag, inluding a Beardin' t-shirt and travel mug.

Alissa's modeled on the side for a few years now. You may have recently seen her playing 'Mama McNabb' in the new Campbell's Chunky Soup commercials.
I thought I recognized that lady from somewhere.
She also played the mom in the 2004 Pizza Hut 'Twisted Crust' campaign, in which she uttered the famous catchphrase, "We're not done rippin' and dippin' yet!"

I guess she has a penchant for playing overweight, sassy, black mothers. Frankly, I don't see it.
It's a pity she's being pigeon-holed like that.
You got that right.
Alissa will actually be a new cast member introduced on Lost this season. Watch for her.
It's funny you bring that up, because Lost WILL be introducing a new 16-year old female character, and they casted 19-21 year olds to play the part.

I guess they're doing this to fill the cute girl vacancy left by the death of Shannon. I think it's going to be Alex, but I can't remember if Alex was a girl or not.
We didn't want to tell you it was Alissa because we didn't want you to be upset.
If I were on Lost, I'd be stealing Dharma swag like there was no tomorrow.
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