Tuesday, February 14

Bee Mine.

Happy Valentime's Day.

In honor of this wonderful annual celebration of love and chalky novelty candy, I want to share with you the greatest love story I know.

You know, for as much as I talk about my wife, I don't think I've ever shared with you the story of how we met. I make a point not to get too sentimental or personal on here, but in this case, I really think you'd get a kick out of this most joyous and romantic union between me and the Missus. If anything, it will shed more light on why we are as strong and loving as we are to this very day.

It was December of 1999. The electric buzz of the 21st century was tingling the private areas of every red-blooded American. President Clinton was still leading the nation through a time of amazing prosperity, surplus, and an abundance of neon fanny packs and jogging suits. The song '1999,' by an up-and-coming artist known as Prince was rocketing up the charts and uniting people of all races and creeds on the dance floor. It was a magical time to be alive, and if you weren't yet alive for it, chances are that you're unable to read anything I've just written. It's your loss.

I was 17 years old, full of wide-eyed wonder and Surge soda. It was my senior year in High School, and I was in a hotly contested race with two others to become valedictorian. I would eventually go on to lose this race, when weeks before graduation I would be arrested for lewd behavior in the parking lot of a local Wendy's. The charges were later dropped (surveillance tapes proved that I did nothing to befoul the life-sized cutout of Dave Thomas), but my reputation would never return to its former glory. I was sunk faster than the opening weekend of a Michael Bay movie.

Zing!

You know what? Forget it, dude. I want to keep this story between me and the Missus. Besides, you wouldn't understand and appreciate it as much as your should. Oh, and nothing would have been funnier than those first two paragraphs anyways, so it's best to just trim the fat and move on. Let's talk about something else.

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I've been dumped twice in my life, and both were via-telephone, no less. I did the breaking up in two other relationships, maturely and in-person, I might add. Any other unions I might have had with anyone else (hundreds, perhaps even thousands of women) just naturally or mutually faded over time. I really didn't have any problems with that, as I honestly wasn't that great of a boyfriend, anyways. Nowadays, however, I'm like Supafly TNT. I could sell tickets, yo'.

Luckily for me, the Missus showed up and set me straight. She washed my hair, tore my braces off and wiped the crust out of my eyes. She threw a tiny shirt on my back and indie frames on my green eyes. Without her gentle nudging and almost tyrannical standards, I'd still be a turd. I really dodged a bullet, there.

I went above and beyond the call of duty for Christmas this year, so I didn't do too much for Valantine's day. I bought the Missus (and myself) a big box of Godiva truffles. Sa-weeet. They should be all gone by the end of the night, along with most of the wine.

That reminds me. Our loud neighbors, who kept it down for a few days after we sent them a firm-but-fair letter, are back to their old tricks. The next step is a formal noise complaint, which will be made this evening. More info as it happens.

One more thing. Here's a custom-made CDP valentine for you to give to a loved one.

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How are you spending Valentine's day? Any fond memories? Sound off in the comments section.

Comments:
I think I know the story of how you guys met. I think I was there, actually.

I don't think I have any good Valentine's stories. I generally don't let greeting card companies tell me what to do.
 
I wasn't going to tell the real story. I told like, 10 lies in the first paragraph alone. The idea that I even came close to graduating High School was a whopper of a lie.

I remember when I was a kid, and Valentine's Day fell on a Sunday. At church, I couldn't believe that the priest didn't mention it at all. That was the day I stopped believing in Santa Claus.
 
That's the best valentine I've ever seen that involves Chuck Norris. It's still not quite as good of a Valentine as "Choo Choo Choose Me!" though.

So what's this business about Santa Claus?
 
I was going to name this post "I Choo-Choo-Choose you," but I'm pretty sure I already used that post title some time ago.

About Santa Claus. I was just remarking that as a very young kid, I equated Valentine's day with Easter and Thanksgiving in terms of holiday importance. I just always figured holidays were religiously important no matter what.

When nobody mentioned that it was Valentine's day during the sermon, I thought they had forgotten or something. It was then that I realized the concept of corporate holidays vs. religious holidays. It was a nice milestone, sort of like when you realize that you're smarter than your parents.

St. Valentine be damned.
 
Yeah, most commercial holidays are rooted in religious holidays, which are usually mimicking pagan holidays.

I used the choo choo title last year on my blog, as I'm sure others have. Remember when I had a blog? Those were happy days.
 
Have you ever heard Bill Hicks' bit about Easter? It's pretty funny. Offensive, but funny.

Hey, I remember your blog! Those were happy days! Ahh...memories. At the very least, you should start doing monthly updates. Seasonal, even?
 
What do you mean sort of when you realize you're smarter than your parents?
 
Exactly.

(kidding, CDP's mom)
 
Exactly.

So, the guy that Dick Chaney shot had a heart attack at the hospital. Apparently, he's got a lot of bird shot in his heart. Oh, and he's 78 years old.

When was the last time a Vice President shot and killed someone? Seriously, I want to know. That's a great trivia question.

I heard a joke on the radio this morning. "If George Bush Sr. would have shot a quail while in office, he might have gotten a second term."

Obviously, this joke doesn't transcribe well onto print.
 
My valentine's day will be spend working a PD shift til 9, then sitting at Peabody's the rest of the night, drinking black russians. I'm single and dateless. Stupid Hallmark. I will destroy you.

In other news, there's a sale on small tattoos at 3rd Dimension on saturday. I may go get one. I'm thinking a picture of Chuck Norris, crouching and ready to attack. No one will f with me.
 
If a cop can't find a date on Valentine's day, it must be slim pickings out there in the field. Sorry, dude.

No Chuck Norris tattoo would or could ever fall under the catagory of 'small.' Just get a tattoo of Chuck Norris over your face, and you'll be just like a Texas Ranger.
 
I could get a tattoo of a beard... since we all know I can't grow one anyway.
 
I could have had a date tonight! Some girl called my work looking for me, but didn't leave a number.
I was also working with a cute intern tonight at the PD... Unfortunately, she had to do her real job tonight, but I am taking her out for her birthday in 2 weeks.
I went to Peabody's tonight (still a bit buzzed) and some guy brought in oysters! I never had them before, and didn't think I would from some random guy at a bar. Oh well!
 
How truly odd. Good luck with the intern.

I like that you check out my page at 2 in the morning. Keep doing that, it rules.
 
What better to do when I get home from a bar?

Update: the girl that called my work looking for me was BloggerMom. BUT! She was calling to tell me that a girl named Lisa called the house looking for me. I should get my check today, turn my phone back on, and alleviate any further problems.
 
Sweet. You're a hard man to pin down, but the ladies keep trying, even if one of them's your mom.

At the very least, you know you're loved.
 

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