Wednesday, February 8

The CDP Network.

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With all this recent talk about TV networks and programming changes and whatnot, I got to wondering what I would do if I had my own network. So, last night, I drank some tonic water and Victoria's Secret 'Lovespell' body spray, and did some brainstorming.

I didn't get very far, as everything went dark about four minutes in. From what the Missus tells me, I spit up on the couch and cried for a while, until she finally decided to go to bed. When I came to, however, I had a list sitting in front of me with some ideas on it. I will share them with you, although I'm pretty certain that the list was written by the Missus to make me feel like I had accomplished something.

So, here are my first 10 show pitches for The CDP Network:

Wake up with the CDP! - This would be a morning show that me and the Missus would broadcast from my living room at CDP Headquarters. Guests will include co-workers, people I meet on the street and area cats. We would talk about what we watched on TV the night before, and sip mimosas and amaretto sours instead of coffee and tea. Segments include The Missus' 'A Million Things I Hate,' along with my segment, 'Why My Taste In Music Is Far Superior Than Yours.' The show will always end with me trying very hard not to fall asleep as the credits roll.

How Low Can You Go? - This will be a game show that pits two contestants against each other. An awful task is put on a board (ex. push an elderly woman down a flight of stairs, hit a kitten with a Mack truck), and the players will take turns betting and undercutting each other with the lowest price they would do it for. This is not only a social experiment into the human mind, but a good excuse to make bad people do bad things. FOX will jump at this in a heartbeat.

Stalking The President - This will be a reality show that follows a contestant who's job it is to seccessfully steal a paperweight from the President's Oval Office desk. He will be armed only by the Patriot Act in his excursion; fortunately, this will give him plenty of access to any home or phone line in the country. Irony writ large; Russ Feingold will host.

The Surreal Life: CDP Edition - What happens when Tony Little, Flava Flav, Mr. T, Chuck Norris, Jerry Falwell, the corpse of FDR and I live on a pirate ship together? Tune in to find out!
Lost - Regular episodes of Lost, with me taking over the role of Jin.

Egg Nog Monkey Explosion! - The best TV show in Japan now has a home in the states. See bright colors, lightning-fast talking and the most sugar-charged pop music on the planet. What's it about? Beats the hell outta me, but I can't stop watching it!

Mystery Science Theater 3000 - The CDP Network will renew MST3K for 3 all-new seasons, and pay the writing staff 1 million each per episode. It's the best show ever; buy the DVD's.

Grilled Cheese America - The Food Network and Travel Channel have officially passed on this offer, so I'll produce my awesome road-trip show myself. Each week, I'll take my RV to a small town in America, and eat a grilled cheese at the best Mom and Pop restaurant they have to offer. There, I'll chat with the locals, offer some insight into the town and buy some antiques. Wholesome and family-friendly, Grilled Cheese America is like a warm slice of apple pie in a huge, steaming pile of dog vomit.

Curdin' It Up! - This will be a spinoff of Grilled Cheese America, with cheese curds instead of an actual sandwich. Alternate titles are 'Curd On The Street,' 'What's The Curd, Hummingbird?,' and 'Curd, Curd, Curd; Curd Is The Word.' The Missus thinks these names are really funny.

Late Night With The CDP! - In contrast to the morning show, 'Late Night' will be hip and edgy, wrangling in that much-coveted '7-10 year old male' demographic the networks have been fighting over. Segments include, 'Action Figure Corner' and 'Time For Bed.' Russ Feingold will host.

What would you watch? Do you have any ideas to pitch? Sound off in the comments section. In 48 hours, Lost Friday will make you forget everything you thought you knew about...things.

Comments:
I think you should change it to "What's the Curd, Hummingcurd?" just to really drive home the point of the show.

I've recently become a fan of Threadless t-shirts. You may have seen this one that was probably inspired by your blog.

BLAM! Threadless bought me a brown and bubbly Pepsi to mention that in your blog comment section. And Pepsi gave me a t-shirt to mention that.
 
I promise you, my cheese-related food/Americana show will be produced someday. I'll sink a fortune into it if I have to.

Woah! I bought that Communist Party shirt about 2 minutes after you directed me to it (mens small red). That's awesome, and I didn't even know it existed. While I certainly can't take credit for it, you know I will. I strongly need to consider getting into the t-shirt game.

Poor Pepsi. People are still ragging on them over their awful Super Bowl commercials. Diddy doesn't play well in the red states. Who knew?
 
I got two shirts from that threadless place and I'm pretty happy with them. good fitting quality shirts, made in the USA. I got the Outdoor Mix one with the record player and bird and leaves. I wore it for the first time last night and the checkout girl at Best Buy made a point to tell me she loved it, as did the checkout girl at Barnes and Noble a few minutes later.

Where's the Missus at these days, not internettable at work now?
 
Best Buy, Barnes & Noble...you gotta go there at least once a week. It's a rule.

Nothing makes a guy feel better than when someone appreciates the humor on their t-shirt. It's an unspoken bond between two people sharing an inside joke. I wonder how many places I'd get kicked out of if I wore a shirt that said, 'Walker Told Me I Have AIDS.' That idea alone is money in the bank, if it doesn't already exist.

The Missus can't really go online much at her new jorb, which is bringing down my hit/comment count about 25% a month. I'll let her know that the CDP Community misses her and her snide remarks dearly.

Seriously, it sucks. She only checks it on the weekends now and reads everything at once. I asked her if she saw something I wrote 2 weeks ago, and she didn't know what I was talking about. This was the saddest moment of the week for me.

I've got to check out all the goodness that Threadless has to offer.
 
Oh. My. God. Those t-shirts rule.

Quality BLAM, paste.
 
Also, Grilled Cheese America really ought to be a show. We should go on a road trip this summer and film a few episodes.
 
If there's one thing that the internet has done to better my life, it's the realization that anything I've ever wanted on a t-shirt can be specially made just for me.

You know what, Aaron? You're absolutely right. We have more than the necessary resources to put together a few sample episodes of 'Grilled Cheese America.' This summer, we'll hit some places around Wisconsin, take in the scenery and roll some tape. I'm ready to roll.

Speaking of food reviews, me and the Missus ate at a new 50's diner in Sun Prairie last night. I had a portabello mushroom veggie burger that was closer to 100% grease than anything I've ever consumed.

On a positive note, they made me the best chocolate malt I've had in years. Honestly. It was like trying to force a brownie through a straw.
 
The cool (and also lame) thing about those shirts is that they do limited runs of shirts and only occasionally reprint (like the communist one) if there's very high demand. It's great because you know you're probably going to have a unique shirt that noone else in your neighborhood has, and all free of brand names and logos. On the other (lame) hand, a lot of the cooler designs I like are sold out.
 
Very true. There are other places like CafePress or Spreadshirt, where you can just upload whatever you want, and it'll be one of a kind. I tried that a couple times, but never got it to work exactly how I wanted.

I was thinking about making CDP shirts with my new 2006 'Label Maker' logo on them (see this very post). Perhaps even using some of the photos that I slap the logo over from time to time (see this very post).
 
I'm just trying to make myself more marketable for the new year.
 
I do have some silkscreening experience if you need some simple things printed. I can probably pull off multiple colors, but nothing too detailed. Otherwise, I have friends who work at print shops that can definitely hook you up.
 
First, Grilled Cheese America, and now CDP t-shirts? It's officially on.

I can e-mail you some graphics and ideas this week if I find the ambition.
 
Rockin.

We could do the Grilled Cheese America thing as a podcast. Once it becomes an internet phenomenon, the networks will pick up on it for sure.
 
Yeah, and I'll say BLAM! a lot when I eat. I'll be like an indie version of Emeril.
 
Don't do that.
 

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