Thursday, February 16

Skyrockets In Flight.

The following post has been rated:
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For sexual content and dialogue. The saga continues...

Loud Neighbor Update - Part III
'The CDP Strikes Back.'

If you remember from this post, and this one that followed, we've been having some issues with our next door neighbors, with which we share a bedroom wall. Since late December, they have kept us up at night with their loud, almost acrobatic and Vaudeville-esque intimate moments.

For the first month, I ignored it and the Missus didn't even know it was happening. In January, it became a round-the-clock sex-travaganza that was impossible to escape from, driving me completely up the wall and into a bout of insomnia and irreversible alcoholism. In February, it started to attract the attention of the Missus, who isn't to be messed with when she's trying to get some sleep. Knowing that I'm about as productive as Duke in a 'don't suck' contest, she grabbed this matter by the short hairs and starting getting things done.

Finally, after two months of being annoyed, we wrote a firm-but-fair letter that we slipped in their door, politely telling them to stop bringing us into their sexual exploits. For those too lazy to go back and read it, here's the note that the Missus sent them:

Hello-

You don't know me, but I also live in this apartment complex and share a wall with you. You may not be aware of this, but the wall we share is paper thin. I appreciate the fact that you are a loving couple and therefore do what all loving couples do in the comfort of their bedroom. Unfortunately, I'm getting a bit tired of being made a part of it night after night. This is a polite request to perhaps watch the volume on your nighttime escapades. It is beginning to cause me a considerable amount of difficulty in sleeping and also, quite frankly, it's a bit uncomfortable to become unwillingly part of such an intimate part of your life. Thanks for your understanding!

Wouldn't you know it, the letter did the trick. We didn't hear them at all from that point forward.

For about three days, tops.

Now, the neighbors are back with a pornographic vengeance, and we're actually sleeping in the living room because they're so loud. I'm starting to think that they both have Tourette's Syndrome over there; and it makes me wonder how they convinced their respective families that they could function independently.

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(Bill Cosby sez: "Oh, no they didn't! With the yellin' and the kissin' and the shazza-frazza-blazzah! Eat your pudding.")

Yesterday, we stopped screwing around and took the issue to the leasing office. We're far too refined to start banging on the wall; we're going straight to the top, here. So, the Missus goes into the leasing office, and tries to be as tactful as possible with her story:

MISSUS: Um, I'm having a problem with my neighbors. At night, they-

LEASING OFFICE: You can hear them having sex, right?

MISSUS: Yes.

The Missus goes on to say that the noise started in late December, that we wrote them a note to no avail, and it's so loud we can't even sleep in our bedroom without getting charged $2.99 a minute.

So, the girl at the leasing office punches their apartment number into the computer, and makes an interesting discovery. First off, they have lived over there for three years. Keep in mind that I never heard so much as a peep or giggle from that side of the wall until after Christmas. Maybe they got something really exciting as a gift, and they're still celebrating it. Maybe a TiVo or a CraftMatic Adjustable Bed or something.

But, here's the kicker. They just got married...in late December. Interesting. This leads me to one of two possibilities.

1- They're trying to have a baby. This is what my first assumption was, considering that they were getting it on anywhere from 4:30 am to 4:22am on any given day of the week. A lot of couples try to get pregnant right after the wedding, as a way to instantly ruin their lives in one fell swoop. This is probably the most logical conclusion. I'm beginning to question their fertility, however. If she doesn't have a bun in the oven by now, it ain't never happening. In fact, we've become so ingrained into their lovemaking that I'm afraid the Missus is going to get pregnant by osmosis. If this were to happen, we shall name the baby 'Ungh!' in honor of the neighbors that made it all possible.

2- They waited until they were married to get it on. This concept is complete and utter bull rip. You don't live with your fiance' for three years, and choose to stay celibate until after the wedding. That's preposterous, and statistically impossible. It can't be done. Furthermore, if that's what you believed in, you wouldn't have moved in together before the wedding anyways. No way.

Well...maybe, I suppose. Almost impossible, but it seems highly unlikely. Judging from what I hear them say through the walls in the heat of passion, they don't seem like very religious people. I hear the mention of a God or Gods every now and again, but it's usually taken way out of context, and peppered with blasphemy.

So, it would seem like they are trying to get pregnant over there, and before the post-wedding decision to have a baby, their lovemaking was just too sparse to be noticed by me and the Missus. Good for them! However, like I have said in the past, I can deal with this situation a lot better than I can deal with a crying baby all the time. I cannot stand children; I probably won't be able to stand my own (I'm half-kidding, here).

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(Randy 'Macho Man' Savage sez: "Ooooh, yeah! The Macho Man is gunna take those fools down a peg or two! Are you gunna finish that sandwich?")

But look, baby or not, they are in violation of their lease by making so much noise in the middle of the night. Our leasing office wrote them up a letter, and they should be getting it when they come home from work today. I hate to rain on their baby sex parade (there's a search term I'll be seeing soon on my stats page), but I like to sleep, and their neighbors are far more mindful than ours when it comes to the business of getting down. Hopefully, upon getting a letter from the people they rent from, they will take it a bit more seriously than our pitiful attempt at a compromise.

Now, I didn't get a chance to see what the leasing office letter's going to say. Frankly, I'm very curious as to how they will tactfully word it. I know for a fact that I get home from work about 20 minutes before the neighbors do, so maybe I can sneak over there and read it before they come home. Of course, getting caught would mean almost certain death, but I really want to see this letter. Maybe I'll even have time to scan it and post it here. Oooh, scandal!

More information as it develops. If they don't stop making so much noise after this attempt, we're going to start audio recording them, and posting it right here on the CDP, along with names, addresses and phone numbers. Then we'll slip the web link under their door in the middle of the night. Or better yet, I'd be more than willing to help out in any way I can to finally get this girl pregnant. Blasting Death From Above 1979 through the walls should do the trick; you can't listen to that album without becoming 92% more fertile.

UPDATE!

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(Bill Cosby sez: "Update!? You got the updatin' and the not waitin' and the frizzah-blizzah-blazzah! Eat the puddin'.")

I came home from work a little early with the specific goal in mind to snag that letter from their door before they got home. I wanted to read what the leasing office had to say, if they mentioned who made the complaint, and how they tackled the delicate issue. I knew that what I was about to do was borderline illegal and certainly a breach of privacy, but the neighbors obviously threw those cares out of the window the day they decided to rock the casbah all hours of the night.

So, I pull into the driveway to see the neighbor guy's car already there. "What the...hell?" I mutter to myself as I'm putting the car into the garage. Not only can I no longer snag the letter, but he's almost certainly read it by now, and is crying like a little baby in his echo-blast chamber of an apartment. This was a moment I wanted to be a secret part of, but like every other game in life, I get screwed over more than this guy's wife.

Dejected, I toddle up the steps to my apartment. Upon reaching the second floor, what do I see?

I see a suspicious-looking envelope from our leasing office...stuffed in the wrong door.

"Oh...crap," I said out loud, looking around to see if anyone else was on the floor. I thought for sure that the leasing office thought that this particular apartment was the one giving us trouble, when in fact it most certainly was not. I could imagine the backlash, as some elderly single man gets a threatening letter, stating for him to keep his sexual activities down. This was something I couldn't allow to happen; not on my watch.

I got right up to the door, SWAT team-style, and snagged the envelope without standing in front of the peephole. The envelope was sealed, but it was mighty thick, so I'm assuming now that my fears were for naught, and this was just a harmless envelope to a random attendant. Unless, of course, the leasing office decided to enclose a brochure entitled, 'How to have really quiet sex.'

I still don't know if the loud neighbors got the letter or not, and it's only a matter of time before we see how they react to it, or how the wrong apartment renters react to it. It's amazing what I know about these people, even though I've never even seen them before. I guess it must be what it feels like to know so much about me through this page. Far more tactful, however, with less moaning.

What do you think about all of this? Sound off in the comments section with suggestions and stories.

Hey, before I go, here's some upcoming US releases I'm looking forward to. Henceforth, so should you.

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Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not - 02/21

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Architects - Revenge - 02/21

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Smoking Popes - Live At The Metro - 02/28

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Polysics - Now Is The Time! - 02/21

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Streetlight Manifesto - Keasbey Nights - 03/07

Lost Friday will be torn from my loins tomorrow. Five posts in five days? Believe it, baby.

Seriously, someone needs to start paying me to do this stuff. I can rock a deadline like nobody's business.

Comments:
Did you actually "take" the letter from the "wrong" door?
 
I think it's kind of funny how one person's seemingly small careless mistake (putting the letter on the wrong door) could potentially result in many sleepless nights for you and the Missus. The devil's always in the details.
 
I took the letter from the door, but I didn't want to tear it open, so I put it back. It was mighty thick though, I so I'm assuming that it wasn't the letter I thought it was.

Nevertheless, I'm still concerned that the correct neighbors didn't get the note. Hell, I'm concerned that they DID get the note. These are the kinds of things that keep me up at night. That and the neighbors, of course.

I'm like George Costanza over here.
 
I'm sorry to have kept this from you and Celia all of this time, but..... Ben and I are the ones who share the bedroom wall with you. We know that we should have told you that we don't actually live in Green Bay... sorry.
 
Fine neighbors you are. I can't believe you haven't invited us over by now.
 
They're too busy having sex to invite people over.

Unless you're into that sort of thing.
 
That's what I was referring to; You would have thought I'd run into them by now.

No Earl or Office tonight, FYI.
 
I'm so involved in this story now. I'm almost as interested in what happens here as I am in what happens on LOST. Don't be slow on the updates! FEED MY DESIRE FOR UNSEEMLY ACCESS!

Oh... and I didn't know the Smoking Popes were still around. Been years since I've listened to them.
 
The Popes broke up for several years, before finally hitting the road again in 2005. They're going to be in Milwaukee next month, but I think I waited too long to get tickets.

The neighbor story isn't finished by a long shot. There should be more to come, sadly. Or hilariously, if you prefer.
 
So on the off chance that you'll actually see them someday (BTW...how in the world do you know what their car looks like if you've never seen them?), would it be worse if they were super ugly, or super hot? Or if one is super ugly, but the other one is super hot? And why am I thinking about this?

Anyway, I feel your pain. The greatest thing about living in your own house is you don't have to deal with crap like this.

My solution would be to mimic them every time you heard them, word for word, noise for noise.

I'm going to go shower now.
 
Or maybe - just maybe - they have to have sex ever 108 minutes to ward off some unknown, unforseen catastrophe...

Ok, I'm officially done. This whole line of thinking is not just making me feel dirty, but Christina Aguilera-wearing-assless-chaps-being-hosed-down-with-used-motor-oil Dirrty.
 
As far as seeing them goes; I thought I knew who they were (which is I thought I had seen them from my window in the parking lot once), but now I have my doubts. I have their identity narrowed down to one of two couples.

One couple is quite unappealing, and the other is rather pleasant. I honestly don't know which one I'd prefer, to answer your question. Just to be safe, both couples should move.

See, it makes you feel dirrty through no fault of your own. That's it, we're moving out, and buying the best home in Madison that $14,000 can buy.
 
That '108 Minutes' comment was incredibly witty and current. Kudos!
 
Well, I do my best to bring it all back around and tie up the loose ends. Huzzah to me.
 

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