Wednesday, February 1


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(Nice speech last night; you really looked in control, the way you were begging for people to take you seriously and all. I feel safer already.)

Today is my 24th birthday.

On the first day of February in 1982, I was born in Neenah, Wisconsin, to a mother of an undetermined age and ethnicity. I was raised by this mother, along with an equally mysterious father, for the remainder of the 80's. The 90's were marked by classes and schooling of an educational nature, along with general guidance, trend-setting haircuts and drum lessons. The rest is cloudy history, I've been told.

Most birthday historians and scholars refer to the 24th birthday as the most important birthday that one will ever celebrate, should he or she be fortunate enough to live this long. Remember, most of these studies were done in the 1700's, when living to the age of 24 was a luxury reserved for only slave owners and pirates. I truly feel honored to rub elbows with such royalty.

Most people will tell you that turning 24 years of age offers you nothing extra in the game of life. Of course, we all know that turning 16 gives you the privileges of driving a vehicle, the age of 17 offers you the joys of R-rated films, and the 18th birthday introduces you to the wonderful world of cigarettes, strip clubs, voting, and the legal acquiring of legal pornography (some states may vary). Many cultures look to the age of 18 as the turning point into adulthood; weather that be becoming an upstanding citizen in the community, or an alcoholic with embarrassing social skills, reeking of stale Pall Malls and scotch. That's up to the specific individual.

By the time you turn 21, your senses have been so overloaded with stimuli that you hardly remember you still have more freedom to be handed. From your 21st year until your departure from this earth, you are free to drive, drink, smoke, vote and watch pornography with a stripper, all at the same time. While I have not experienced all of these joys in one fell swoop, most of my friends will tell you that it's far more interesting in theory. These are trusted individuals, and I will take their word for it.

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("When in Wisconsin, be sure to visit beautiful Las Vegas!")

However, there is a long-forgotten right of passage for those turning 24 years of age. This goes back to those previously mentioned slave owner days, and has been pushed down into the depths of American law for centuries. Politicians and religious leaders want it to be banished, but it is protected by the Constitution. Hardly anyone knows about it, but I am going to share it with you today, for most of my readers are under 24 years of age, and will be able to relish in the fruits of my discovery someday. I will quote directly from the amendment:

At any point during your 24th year of existence (expiring exactly 365 days after the 24th anniversary of your birth), you are legally allowed to murder one person of your choosing.

That's all it says, but it's there, deep in the fine print. I've taken the liberty of changing all the f's back to s's, to accompany modern English practices.

After doing some brief homework over a bottle of Jameson whiskey and Mr. Pibb on the rocks, I saw that this practice was frequently used and respected for most of the 18th century. It was considered a right of passage for such long-standing royalty. Eventually, the law was ignored for wartime purposes, and never re-introduced into regular American functionality. It's like the legal version of the NFL dropkick.

That being said, it's still very legal, and it's still waiting for me to use. Never one to shy away from a chance to become a flavor-of-the-month phenomenon, I fully intend on cashing in.

After some additional legwork, I found out that the murder had to be committed by the person who was 24 years of age, or else it would be considered just an everyday murder, and therefore null and void (and prosecutable by imprisonment or death, if necessary). The method of murder wasn't explicitly drawn out, but a gun, noose or guillotine was the considered the most favorable execution style. Always a sucker for the classics, I'm going with the traditional Decapitation Machine when I decide to blow out the candles on my centuries-old gift from the colonials.

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(Just take an already cool picture, paste the CDP logo over it, and presto! An even cooler picture!)

Quite honestly, the only decision I have left is the subject in question. This inquiry has been putting me at a moral crossroads for a few days now. Should I choose to kill someone who is hated and despised the world over? Someone who's death would make the world a better place for my children? (names withheld under fear of the Patriot Act) Or should I kill someone who's specifically making my life miserable, like that weiner bag boy at the Pick-N-Save, or one of those neighbors that keep me up with their loud sexual activities. This was a true noggin-scratcher; a decision I would have never been able to comprehend at the age of 18.

After many long nights of deliberation and consulting with trusted friends and neighbors, I still can't decide who I want to kill. Luckily for me, I have all year to make this decision.

Perhaps I will choose you, the very reader of this post. I ask you, what have you done to upset me so? Don't you appreciate all the things that I do for you? Countless hours of free entertainment, up to 6 days a week, with limited filler? I ask for nothing in return but a kind word and harmless comment section banter, and yet you betray me. I will not forget this.

So, who would you kill? Sound off in the comments section, or it just might be you.

Oh, and wish me a happy birthday, too.

Image hosting by PhotobucketAdditional note from the CDP:

The correct guesser in the 'CDP-Fact or Crap?' contest was Paste, who correctly predicted that all 10 facts were true. Of course, there were only like, 2 people that played, but it's a mighty feat nonetheless.

You should put together a mix with all songs about murdering. I bet I could put together a two-disc murder mix with only songs from Pedro the Lion.

Finally, believing everything pays off!
I seriously think you could get yourself into trouble with this type of post, now I will worry about you on your birthday. I would not be able to think of just one person I would like to kill so I won't play. I also cannot believe that Paste knows more about you than your own mother. This is a sad day for me. Have a great birthday. See you soon.
I wil create this Murder Mixtape, and upon listening to it for the first (and last) time, I will then know who I am to murder. For you see, I will not select the victim, the victim will select me.

Enjoy your soon-to-be-created CDP t-shirt. 100% cotton, yo.

I won't get into trouble with this post, because it's all legal. Didn't you read a word I said?

I bought bagels for damn near everyone at work today (35 bagels and 5 cream cheeses for only $32? Astounding!). As you get older, you get less things, and you start giving more things. On Friday, I'm taking all my friends bowling.

I rule, pretty much.
I wouldn't kill anyone.

Happy birthday, dude.
Thanks, yo.

I can't believe that there's nobody that you'd want to legally kill. Where's the bloodlust?
My bloodlust has been replaced with pure alcohol.
I'd take bloodlust over booze any day of the week. Revenge gives me a reason to wake up in the morning.

Have we ever bowled together before? It seems like something that must have happened somewhere along the way, but I can't really remember it.

I've found that there's a specific flow chart between drinking and bowling. The more you drink, the better you bowl to a certain point, then it just drops right off. Someday I will find this magical point, and then I will be unbeatable.
I know we've bowled a few times.

The drunken bowling thing has some validity. Darts and pool have a similar equation to some people. But there's definitely a point of drunkeness where your entire game collapses.

Prepare to get owned.
Yeah, most 'bar' games function under that rule. You need to balance it out though, or you'll just get sloppy.

Now I remember one time when we went bowling. We ran into your cousin, who happened to like me at the time, probably because I was an awesome drummer.

Oh, I'm ready for any and all challengers, dude. My game's been pretty hot lately. Try a 155 on for size. Mmm-hmm, now you're shaking.
Make sure you don't kill someone who has good friends or family that are under 24 years old. You'd be surprised how things like free murders can backfire. It's like my mom always used to say, there's no such thing as a free murder.

Also, Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it, too.
That's a good point, I need to make sure this 'free murder' doesn't horribly backfire. I should write a short story like that.

Chuck Norris won a game of Monopoly without owning any properties.
Check your email. I have a question.
Happy Birthday Ryan! See you on Friday!!!
Thank you, Bear. I appreciate it.

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