Thursday, March 9

Compensated Editorial.

(The following post has been written entirely by the Angry White Man, who paid the CDP for editorial space. The opinions expressed by the Angry White Man do not necessarily represent those of the CDP and the CDP Network, although they probably do.)

'MySuck.'
By: The Angry White Man.

Boy, MySpace is a real festering hellhole, isn't it?

Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's take all the joys of High School clique' life, deplorable mall culture, terrible grammar and punctuation, sluts, man-whores, crappy bands, jackasses and loners, and throw them all into a big online popularity contest, where they can slug it out and stay irrelevant for eternity.

I'm sure that deep down, most people really miss all of the stuff that they used to hate growing up; so it was due time for a little recent nostalgia into what makes me want to turn my bowels inside-out with rage.

MySpace, pshhh. MySpace should be called 'The Bottom 10%.' That's all you ever find on there. Every last bottom-of-the-bowl turd, spinning around lazily in the crapper like it's got something to say.

Oh, and don't get me started on layout. MySpace has quite simply the most atrocious template on the internet, and it's further perverted by people who have no business creating pages in the first place. All the time, you see these horrid landscapes of pink text on yellow wallpaper, unintelligible netspeak and lingo; it really is the online equivalent of high school. "What were you thinking wearing that?"

I've been avoiding MySpace for...ever...now, and I don't intend to ever go to the dark side. I get enough attention buying space on the CDP as is without having to whore myself out to the lowest common denominator. I'll keep a web page because I like to write, not because I want to stay in touch with people I stopped calling on purpose. I also don't feel the need to meet new people who'll want to knock on my door at 2am looking for a party. If I really wanted everyone to know everything about me, I wouldn't have turned down that offer to host that cooking show on the Food Network four years ago. Get a new hobby, get over yourself and learn some HTML, fool.

Just because you can type, and just because you can create a free web page, doesn't necessarily mean you should. Natural selection thrives online just like in the wild, and eventually the MySpace turds will be flushed away by the toilet bowls of common sense and functionality. That's two poop metaphors in one post, and it's more than deserving.

If you had the choice between MySpace and Blogger (and you do), it's a no brainer, unless you couldn't care less about anything resembling a layout or a rational thought. Web pages are like houses. You need things to match, stay clean and dust-free to remain happy and current. Most every MySpace page I've seen is like a house I never want to go back to again. Unfriendly, disgusting, ugly and void of all intelligent and humorous conversation. It's like when you went over to your friend's house when you were younger, and there were spiders and cockroaches everywhere, and their family liked to eat cereal for dinner in their underwear. That's someone I'm scratching out of the address book.

You do realize that Fox owns MySpace, don't you? Need I say more?

This is kind of a risky rant for me, because a whole lot of people have MySpace pages (59 million), and get very sensitive over them. Criticizing their page is like criticizing them. I can understand that entirely, but in this case, my page wouldn't suck to the subterranean level of the MySpace clones.

The 'friend' list is what does it for me. It's just like High School culture to want to attach a number and ranking to the amount of friends you have. That's disgusting and insecure, plain and simple. Unless you're making money off of the amount of friends you have, the concept is worthless. In fact, the only reason to have any friends whatsoever is for profit. I only keep people around nowadays if they donate to my charitable organization, or buy me dinner and Cosmopolitans. Everyone else can go straight to hell.

In conclusion, MySpace is a direct representation of those who inhabit and frequent it. Cookie-cutter, shapeless lumps of tired fashion and dried-up rhetoric. It's so unoriginal, NBC just signed it to a 3-season deal. You get what you deserve, and in this case, MySpace exists as nothing more than a holding ground for people who don't understand the concept of...well, anything.

Now, stay tuned for more Chuck Norris and Tony Little jokes, here on the CDP!

(Edit from the CDP: I apologize if the Angry White Man's rant offended anyone. Of course, if you would be offended by something like this, you probably can't read anyways. Send hate mail to AngryWhiteMan@yahoo.com.)

Comments:
I think that angry white man is going to be in trouble.
 
Just because you don't have any friends doesn't mean you have to take it out on everyone else.
 
I agree. Myspace sucks. Yet, I continue to use that, as an easy contact for most of the people I know... Moreso as a way to get the band name out there a little more.

Walker told me Tom has AIDS.
 
You're gonna crap your pants if you ever look at Xanga.

I use MySpace, but your rant is understandable and justifiable. I do use it to keep up with some friends, and sometimes it's fun to peek into the lives of people who frequent the forums I read often. I mainly got on for the band stuff, sometimes they post demos and whatnot. Mostly to keep up with bands I know, but I've actually even purchased one album because of MySpace.
 
But yeah, most MySpace sites are done by self-worshipping camera whores.
 
In other words, the CDP should have a myspace page.
 
MySpace told me I have AIDS.
 
"The following post has been written entirely by the Angry White Man, who paid the CDP for editorial space."

What is the going rate for editorial space on the CDP?
 
Name your price, we'll talk. You can reach up to 10,000 people a month!
 
Furthermore, if you want to talk advertising deals, you know where to find me.




Right here.
 

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