Wednesday, April 5

Fact Or Crap? - Answer Edition.

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First off, thanks to those who participated and played along with Monday's 'Fact Or Crap? - CDP Edition.' This is only the second time I've done it, but my life doesn't really warrant many interesting, bite-sized nuggets of goodness. With the completion of this post, you will officially know about every single interesting thing that has ever happened to me, and I shall retire from personal blogging forever. For the rest of my days, I'll choose to talk about TV shows and celebrities. Or, failing that, what celebrities from TV shows are wearing.

Wait... I already do that? Well, the hell with you then! Let's dish out some answers; they're in bold under the original fact.

1. I've thrown 3 punches in my life, connecting only once. The first of these connections came during a playground fight in the 3rd grade, in which I pinned an annoying fellow by the name of Travis to the ground and let him have it, Scott Farcas-style. My next bout didn't come until the 8th grade, when I took a swing at some guy during a class assembly in the gymnasium. I missed and fell over two rows of students, but I proved my point. My third and final whiff was during my Sophomore year of high school, when I got into a fight with a friend in a Perkins parking lot. The night ended with me getting hit by not only him, but also a car.


I'm not much of a fighter, and I only threw punches if there was a lady involved. In fact, in all three of these cases, they were against good friends and always had to do with a girl. What does that teach us? Well, for one, you should abandon even your closest friends and colleagues if it offers you even the slightest chance of seeing a bra.

2. I have successfully ingested an entire pouch of Big League Chew, and chewed the entire works for over a minute before choking on the baseball-sized gob and spitting it out. I consider myself the only person on the planet who has done this and survived.


You should have seen me; you would have been so proud. I was all hunched over a garbage can, drooling to beat the band and laughing my ass off. This would have been much funnier and appropriate had I not been at church at the time.

3. When I was 13 years old, I did some web design for an escort service in my former hometown of Appleton, Wisconsin. I became friends with the wealthy owner of the company, and was promised a free date with the girl of my choice when I turned 18, along with the keys to his Porsche Boxter for the night. This obviously never transpired, or I would have told you that story by now.


I think I might have stumped a lot of people with this one. Truth is, this really happened back in 1995-1996. The internet might have been new at the time when it came to the globalization of information and commerce, but since day one, it was always a worldwide pornography and prostitution ring. Let it be known that I was there for the glory days.

I don't know how it happened, I don't know how I got away with it and I don't know why my mom didn't step in sooner, but it's all true. This story ends peacefully and morally though, with the aforementioned rich owner getting arrested and sent to the clink for shady business deals; mainly because he was, you know, running a whorehouse (all true). I've since attended confession many times to right my past wrongs.

4. A television clip exists of me at the age of 6, on a local Saturday morning kids show hosted by a clown. The theme of the episode was Thanksgiving, and 'Oscar' the clown was asking all of us what Thanksgiving meant to us. As the kids humiliated themselves one-by-one, I am clearly heard in the background making fun of them. When Oscar got to me, he asked me what I thought of Thanksgiving, and I replied with, "I don't know." For the record, I did know, but didn't want to share with him.


Every kid who was any kid got to be on the Oscar the Clown show in the 80's. Well, at least those of us who grew up in Winnebago County and watched a lot of public access television. As an interesting twist to the story, Oscar the Clown was actually the aforementioned rich escort service owner that got arrested. Weird.

5. I have successfully completed Super Mario Brothers 3 for the NES over 150 times, and on one occasion, 30 times in one day. As an additional achievement, I once completed the original Super Mario Brothers while watching the TV reflection in a mirror. I didn't go outside much after 1988.


Come on. You should know me well enough by now to know that I was just dying to tell someone about this fact. One wonderful summer, I set out to win SMB3 100 times in a row, and succeeded in less than two weeks. Honest to God, who needs school?

6. During Freshman year, I broke my right wrist while roller skating in gym class. Chalking it up to random pain and shock, I ignored it and continued on with my day until the arm could no longer function, and turned a dark shade of blue. I eventually made a full and disgusting recovery.


Let me clear up some loose ends on this one, as there was some controversy. First off, I was roller skating, not roller blading. Some kids brought rollerblades from home, but the school would have never provided us with them at the time. Secondly, I never specified that I stayed in school all day. Once my arm turned black and blue, I went to the nurses office, where my parents were notified. It was kind of a bad day, but I was violently popular when I returned to school wearing a sling.

7. During one of my trademark tantrums as a child, I went completely off my nut at a bowling alley over the protest of a gutter ball. The ferocity of my anger, coupled with the slickness of the bowling shoes, allowed me to actually kick myself in the face. I didn't think it was possible, and still don't, really.


I think I actually talked about this in an earlier CDP post. Paste was right though, I didn't actually trademark my tantrum, but it is patent pending. I bled like Ryan White in a Golden Gloves tournament, and that was the single meanest thing I've ever said on this page.

Patent pending, patent pending, patent pending.

8. I've wet the bed one time in my life, and only one time. I was 16.


You didn't think I would admit something like this? Think again. I'm that messed-up, apparently.

To the best of my (and my parents') knowledge, I never wet the bed once I got out of diapers. True, I got out of diapers when I was 7, but hey, a rule's a rule.

Allow me to explain this to you, so you don't think I've got some strange illness or whatnot. My sleeping conditions that night were all messed up. I was sick as a dog and on all sorts of mind and body-altering medications. I was pouring liquids down my throat like you wouldn't believe, and passed out before I had a chance to properly relieve myself. I was dreaming, nay--hallucinating that I was going to the bathroom, and when I woke up... there you have it. There's nothing wrong with me. Also, I was sleeping in a sleeping bag, so it was easy to wash.

9. I have literally sat on the lap of Brett Favre; Super Bowl champion, the NFL's only 3-time MVP and my favorite football player of all time. He signed an autograph for me, which was later scribbled over and destroyed by my 5-year-old sister.


I don't want to talk about it, either. One unforgettable, amazing day deserves a really dark one, and man...that was rough.

10. I once got a Ford Escort up to 106 miles per hour. My normally 21-minute long trip from school took 7 minutes.


Done and done. My friend was running late getting home, and he thought his parents would disembowel him this time around. I never let a friend down, unless they're going after a girl I like, then it's clobbering time.

Okay, I know what you're thinking. They were all facts again; and I guess you'd be right to say that. Paste wins, because he's intelligent and logical (mad props and respek). If he updated his page more than once a season, I'd tell you all to go there and check it 'oot.

Aw, hell, go there anyways, he's got some good stuff over there.

But, didn't I promise that I would throw a lie in somewhere? Well, let's look at the tape, shall we?

("In Volume One, there weren't any lies in each of the 10 statements; but this time I promise that there's a lie somewhere in this post.")

That, my friends, was the lie.

Thank you and goodnight.

Sweet, I'm two for two. I keep telling people, only good things will happen if you believe everything you read.
See, now that's what I've been saying, too. If you can't believe the CDP, who can you believe?

I'm the fairest and balancedest blogger on the web.

If you win three in a row, I think you win a hat.
See, but I win the "wrongest" award.

I'm an idiot.
FYI, shows have been announced... May 27, a private party at my place, anyone off the CDP is invited. June 10, @ The Cave in Raven's Lounge, 215 College Ave in Appleton. Be there!
Sometimes in life, being the wrongest means you're actually the rightest.

Not this time, though. You really chunked it.

Congrats on the shows. I'll see if we can make it to either or both of them.
By the way, Sons & Daughters=brilliant. Funniest show on TV, hands down.

During the first episode, they were given a plot that had limitless comedic possibilities. In the second episode, there was essentially nothing funny about the circumstances. In both cases, they succeeded like nobody's business, with some hilarious jokes and ad-libs. Great stuff.

The very last joke of the night, when Cameron and Sharon are sitting in the lecture hall looking at their 'dad,' had me laughing for a minute after the show was done.
Lame. I'm not playing your games anymore.
And you wonder why people don't comment when you try to do interactive things. Frickin' jerk.
I feel cheated. And dirty. And pretty and witty and bright.
I about lost it when the goth chick asked Henry, "Do you like panthers?" and he looked terrified.
I suppose I sort of ruined it for Fact or Crap? - Volume 3. Pretty funny, though. Next time I do it, there will be a lie in there, I promise*.

Yeah, S&D seems to be really hitting its stride. I can't believe we're already 8-10 episodes in. If this show gets canned this season, someone's going down.

Cameron's wife getting drunk and doing impressions was hilarious, as was Don getting up to speak at Perv's funeral.

*Actual promise may vary. Details inside.
I also about lost it when Don said, "He had a date with death."
Yeah, I don't really know what the future holds for this show. It's fantastic, but I don't know what kinds of numbers it's pulling in.

Because it's on during House, I TiVo the episodes and watch them afterwards. I know that Neilsen is going to start accepting TiVo'ed shows as 'hits,' but I still don't know the exact number.

I see on that no episodes are scheduled yet for next week. Ruh-roh.

Please watch this show. If you like The Office, if you like Arrested Development, if you like funny, check it out.
Or maybe don't watch TV at all. There's plenty of other things you could be doing.
Like drinking to blackout? I'll let you handle that.
USA is doing a poll to see which shows should be kept that are currently "on the bubble". Apparently this is one of the few that networks actually pay attention to, according to TVGuide. Sons & Daughters is on the list, as is Scrubs, so if anyone wants to vote, here is the link:

I don't care about most of these shows, but it would be a travesty for NBC to cancel Scrubs.

Oh, and apparently Sons & Daughters is not doing well in the ratings and in its current situation has no way of making it to another season. (This was current as of last week's episode)

On a more important note, why do the writers of Lost hate Ranch dressing? What did it ever do to them?
I'm convinced that the constant Ranch Dressing destruction has become an inside joke among the Lost writers, in reference to all the crap us internet nerds gave them when Michael shot up the first tub. Pretty funny, but you can bet I was screaming at the TV.

I'll go on and vote for S&D, thanks for the link. It's a real shame; I sincerely hope that people start to give this show some attention.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Go to hell. I hardly drink at all anymore. Take your TV and your condescending attitude.
Condescending? Hey, you started it.
I know for a fact you watch too much TV; that's 90% of what you talk about on here. You have no idea how much I drink, because you've seen me a handful of times in the past two years. Regardless of how many drinking stories I have, I don't drink that much. Start hanging out more and maybe then you can tell me I have a drinking problem. Until then, stick to talking about things you actually know about. Like TV.

Aaron, you've seen me just as much as I've seen you recently, so if you think it's hypocritical for me to judge you based on a few drinking stories, you shouldn't do it to me when I talk about television.

Just like you, I talk about things on my page because I enjoy them, not because they are my life (sometimes). You don't like being painted as a drunk just as much as I don't like being painted as an agoraphobic TV addict. It's shallow and without real merit, so let me be the first one to apologize for my prior jab.

Look. Fair is fair, and I'm more than alright with laying off the 'drink less' comments, provided you lay off the 'go outside' comments. We're so much better than this crap that it's sickening.
I really don't even care. Whatever.

And you are an agoraphobic TV addict. Do you even read your posts?

But so are most of your readers, so it works out well. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, it's just not what I'm going to do with my time. I'm young and I don't need to hole myself up with a television just yet. I spend a lot of time with my friends, and yes, that includes alcohol quite often. You know as well as anybody that 'having a drink' doesn't mean 'being a drunk.'

I'm going to be in Madison this weekend. FYI.
I get out of the house plenty. As soon as I get off of work, I'll be playing some basketball and taking a long walk with the Missus. It's another beautiful day in Sun Prairie.

The thing is, taking a walk and playing basketball isn't funny or interesting. The CDP isn't a diary; I talk about what's humorous and entertaining, not all the boring crap I do every day. I try to start conversations by talking about things that excite a response or that other readers have experienced also. Period.

I ain't your mom, homey. You don't have to explain yourself to me. Frankly, I don't know why I just explained myself to you, but at least we know a little bit more.

Can we put this slap-fight to bed now? It's neither entertaining nor humorous.
I'll continue with the 'you watch too much TV' comments as long as you keep posting about it. Your 'drinking to blackout' comments are out of nowhere. Not once have I came on your site and talked excessively about alcohol. It's irrelevant. My comment was not. Take it for what it was: a little jab in the rib. Don't go lashing out at me over it.

I'm done. F this.
I am also done. Earl's on.

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