Thursday, April 27

Katharine McPhee Watch - Volume 7.

Katharine McPhee and 4 losers.

92,000 people auditioned for American Idol this year.

There are now 5 singers left, and Katharine McPhee is one of them.

Just thought you might want to know. Here are some quick thoughts:

I've seen Andrea Bocelli perform on TV a few times, and I honestly didn't realize that he was blind until tonight. For the first ten minutes, I just kept saying things to my wife like, 'Why doesn't he open his damn eyes?' and 'Why is he holding that dude's hand? Is he slow?' Shows how good my powers of spotting subtle details are.

Speaking of spotting subtle details, I didn't even realize the wardrobe malfunction that befell Katharine McPhee until I started reading the search terms people were using to get to my page. All at once, I got a huge spike in terms like 'Katharine McPhee naked' and 'Katharine McPhee pops button.' I knew that something weird happened on stage because she got all flustered and self-conscious, but it really wasn't that big a deal regardless. (If you missed it, Katharine was wearing a dress with a huge slit in it, and when she stepped down, the button popped, causing the slit to be even more slittier. Not HBO slitty, but perhaps FX-worthy.) Trust me, if it was a big deal, I would tell you. I'm your friend.

That all being said, it wasn't her best performance ever, but in the words of Paula Abdul, she looked stunning and I'd cut the throats of a thousand babies just to wave to her from a mile away. Seriously. Even if you hate the concept of AI, you should tune in at least once to see the glory that is McPhee.

David Foster is someone that I would punch in the snoot about ten seconds after meeting him. Sure, he's got a shelf full of emmys. Sure, he's written some terrible songs that made him a brazillion dollars. He just reminds me of every highbrow music dick that thinks they're better and more cultured than everyone else. Listen, music is music. I have a fancy degree in this and I know what sounds good and bad; save it. I understand that you know your way around an arrangement and whatnot, but these singers are beyond coaching. Most of them didn't do well last night because the arrangement was putrid and your advice was against the grain of everything (correct) they had been taught. From this point forward, guests should show up, sing their song, sell some records and leave the contestants the hell alone.

Ya hear me talking, Barry Manilow? You write the songs that make the whole world want to carve their eardrums out with a broken Coke bottle.

Once again, the show ran late this week, so Simon Cowell kept getting cut off. Wouldn't it make more sense to put Paula in the last chair, since nothing she says makes any sense to begin with? Let her have the last slurred and drunken word (like she always does), and let the guys do the serious critiquing.

Taylor Hicks, like Katharine McPhee, could have done better, but was in no danger of getting booted. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's the only person this season who's never been in the bottom three. Whoever's in charge of dressing these people needs to stop; perhaps find a career in the carnival.

Chris Daughtry and Elliott Yamin were amazing as always, with Elliott hopefully saving himself for another couple weeks. Paris Bennett was honestly decent enough, and Kellie Pickler was horrible, which had become her new standard.

Lost Friday arrives tomorrow. Leave it to the CDP to get you all caught up on the pant-pee-fest that is season two, along with previews for the last four episodes of the year (including the hush-hush season finale). The final chapter of the almighty Homecoming Quadrilogy will be here first thing Monday morning. I'm assuming that you're finding it charming, heartwarming, funny and sad all at the same time. Thanks, that's what I was trying to capture.

Sound off in the comments section.

Comments:
I agree that Paula should be put in the last chair, she is acting like an idiot. Explain to me why Simon would give her a three year contract. As far as David Foster, even Simon told the contestants they got bad advice.
 
Yup, and Randy flat-out said that the arrangements were crap. I enjoyed that moment a little more than I should have. I could just imagine David Foster in his hotel room, wringing his hands together and sobbing.

The cast got longer contracts because half of the audience tunes in just to watch them fight. I heard they wanted to replace her with someone like Jessica Simpson, so I guess I'll have to find a way to deal with Paula.
 
I think the extended contracts can be explained in one word:

Continuity

That or they just needed to give Paula some hope to cling to to prevent a downward spiral of alcohol and anti depressants from completely taking over her life.

That was mean. I'm sorry baby come back.

Missed the wardrobe malfunction (Yes, it has now become a real word. Against the odds, Justin Timberlake has made a lasting impact on society.) Very mad about that. Did NOT miss Reckoning for a recap episode it still kept me on the edge of my seat.
 
The AI producers know that if they fire Paula, she's as good as dead in the gutter.

Was that funny? I can't tell.

I saw the 'malfunction' live, and it honestly was nothing. Like I was saying to my wife last night, "Who in the hell was looking at her legs?" Seriously, if you're the type that just views Katharine as eye candy, there were plenty of other things to stare at than her skirt button.

I guess I'm a little miffed because I'm now one of the top searches for "Katharine McPhee naked," which is so ridiculous it hurts. You know, just because you want to see something, it doesn't mean it really exists.

I'm in the process of writing haikus for tomorrow's installment of Lost Friday. It'll make sense then.
 
Maybe if I type 'Chris Daughtry naked' a bunch of times, I'll start getting more ladies in the house. At the very least, I'll get more confused men, and I'll take what I can get.
 
At least we never have to suffer through another Seacrest/Pickler conversation. That was like watching ameoba mitosis.
 
Every time she opened her mouth, I cringed. It was embarrassing even for me. Now imagine what Seacrest was feeling, having to stand on stage with her and 30 million people watching.

Chris Daughtry Naked.
 
I think anyone who writes about AI ends up getting Katherine McPhee Naked in their search terms. My favorite search term I've received is Taylor Hicks Sexy. *shiver*
 
Taylor's easy on the eyes, but sexy? I dunno. It makes you wonder who typed that in.

I'm of the opinion that Mr. Chris Daughtry and Ms. Katharine McPhee are darn near the best looking (and best sounding) contestants ever. I'm jealous of them both, and wish them dead.

Ace Young? More like Ass Dung.


I'll show myself out.
 
What happened to Paste? Is he missing? Is someone looking for him? I am a mother so you know I worry.
 
Paste is a busy man. He has guitars to make, designs to design, indie concerts to attend and so forth. I also don't think he watches AI, so there you go.

Well...maybe I angered him. Maybe he thinks I've jumped the shark. Damn it! Now you've got me all anxiety ridden. PASTE! PASTE!!!
 
Thanks for the worry, Mrs. CDP. I've been checking in, but have been busy at work and haven't had much time to think of clever and/or hurtful comments to make. Last week I was at work past 1am every night, past 4am two of those nights in a row, and an action packed weekend. So I'm sorta recovering from that now.

My birthday was Saturday, I mowed and fertilized my lawn to celebrate.

And, I don't watch AI, so I don't have any insight into that. And I never went to prom in high school (but I have thoroughly enjoyed this series of posts).

The thing I like about the CDP, is that you've made jumping the shark cool again.
 
Whew. That was a close one.

Hey, happy birthday! Here's hoping for another year of crabgrass-free lawnery.

I also hope that you're getting paid by the hour.

The CDP: Making Jumping The Shark Cool Again.
 
For real, when was jumping a motorcycle over a shark tank ever not cool? Or what about that time when I lost all my money to those card sharks and my dad Tom Bosley had to win it all back?

Salaried, no OT... Ain't that a kick in the pants.
 
Man. I don't get overtime either, but I always try to leave work before the sun starts coming back up. Gee whiz. Take a vacation, birthday boy.

Everyone should check out the Onion A.V. Club interview with Matt Groening, complete with a handy list of quotable quotes and when to quote them. They happened to spotlight the quotes I tend to use the most often, such as:

"Oh, I've wasted my life."

"Then get me his non-union, Mexican equivalent!"

"I've said it before and I'll say it again, Democracy simply doesn't work."

"Have the Rolling Stones killed."

And my all-time favorite...

"Aaaand heeeere come the pretzels!" (using my best Vin Scully impression)
 
"I call the big one Bitey."
 
Come to think of it, what did Andrea Bocelli provide the contestants. I don't think he offered advice. His sole objective on the show was to sell records.
 
Heh. He calls him 'Bitey' because he probably bit him. That'll be funny 500 years from now.

That's what I'm talking about, B. All I saw him do was sing whilst lying on the floor. That benefits nobody.
 
Welcome back Paste.
 

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