Tuesday, April 11

Return All Keys Before Checkout.

The following post has once again been rated:
Put the kids to bed.
For sexual content and dialogue. It ends today.

Loud Neighbor Update - Part VI:
'The Final Battle.'


They moved out.

In the deepest reaches of human endurance and history, there have been many documented instances of miracles taking place since the very beginning of time. Every once in a while, after years of being handed tragedy after horrid tragedy; marinating in your self-pity and failure, you get thrown a bone. The storm clouds part for a brief moment, raining down gifts of love and forgiveness, blessing you with a joy you never thought you'd feel again. A joy that's spiritual and holy in nature, but capable of manifesting itself here in the reality of earth.

This is the joy I felt when I watched our neighbors move out last weekend.

Prior to the start of this year, our nights have been invaded and brutally molested by these wall-sharing nympho-newlyweds in our apartment complex. For the last few months, we have battled back and forth with these classless savages, writing letters, making phone calls and almost coming to blows. Please catch up by reading PART ONE, PART TWO, PART THREE, PART FOUR and PART FIVE; it's really something to behold. Truly one of the weirder sagas I've posted here at the CDP. You'll get a kick out of it because it almost drove me to murder.

When I got home from work on Thursday of last week, I noticed that the neighbor's car had the trunk open, with several dresser drawers sticking out of it. "Good for them," I thought, "They're getting a new bedroom set. They've no doubt destroyed their current set with the earth-shattering, cosmic power of their lovemaking. Perhaps their new dresser will consist of a fair amount of Nerf and space-age foam, hereby soundproofing at least some of the noise. All I ask for is a little compromise."

When I talk to myself, that's how I banter. I also talk with a slight accent, just to mix it up a little.

Bitterly walking upstairs to my apartment and throwing my keys into the key bowl (patent pending), I peeked out onto the patio again to see the woman carrying more dressers to the car, along with some framed wall hangings. At first, I didn't fully recognize her because she wasn't moaning and hopping no less than 5 inches from my face. Still not wanting to assume the best, I continued to chalk it up to a new bedroom. Perhaps they won some sort of marathon sex contest sponsored by Ashley Furniture or La-Z-Boy. Some turds have all the luck; I didn't even know they held those sorts of things.

A few minutes later, she came out with more pictures and blankets, and I started to wonder what was going on. That's when I realized that the dresser drawers were still full of clothing. "Hmm," I thought, scratching my head in a futile attempt to understand, "I wonder why she's getting rid of all of her socks and underwear."

I had some theories, but none I can really share here. Trust me, they were hilarious.

Once she filled the car up, she drove off, only to return less than an hour later and start doing it all over again. The next day, they brought a friend along who had a truck and started loading up the ugly furniture and ugly decorations. When it finally clicked in my head that they were moving, I began to weep at first, graduating into uncontrollable sobbing in less than a minute.

We had won. We never win.

Now, I know there's about a brazillian reasons for a couple to move out of an apartment, but I'd like to think that it had something to do with me and the Missus. The timing was mighty suspect, considering that they have lived there for over three years. I think we had finally smoked them out. For the last two weeks, I hadn't heard a thing from them on the other side of the wall, which got me to thinking about what was happening over there just prior to the move. For your consideration, here's my theory as to what transpired:

After we wrote them the note, they were embarrassed, but too angry and prideful to show some respect. After the leasing office called them, they were extremely embarrassed, but pleaded the fifth to save whatever face they could. For a while, they blissfully pretended that they didn't care we could hear, but it started to take its toll. As it turned out, the best psychological defense was to wait it out and let them stew in their own insecurities. It worked on me; why wouldn't it work on them?

Just like me, they started to think about it all the time. They knew they were being listened to. They knew they were being scrutinized; possibly made fun of and publicly discussed on a wildly popular and humorous pop culture blog. As much as they tried to laugh it off around each other, it became a noticeable problem. Their sex drive started to dwindle; they started watching more TV in the bedroom and got cranky with every unwanted advance. Getting it on was replaced by petty bickering and pointless yammering. The system started breaking down, and they started suffering as a couple.

Soon, they were faced with a choice. One, they could move out and get back to the business of getting down, which seemed to be working just fine since the minute after the wedding. Or two, they could try to schedule their escapades around an entire apartment complex that was tired of hearing them.

The answer was simple, and I've got photos of the U-Haul to prove it.

Honestly, I think I'm going to miss them. We've never spoke; I'm pretty certain they don't even know what I look like. In my apartment, I'm a ninja when it comes to being noticed. I move swiftly without noise and hold the door for nobody. As far as they're concerned, I'm a figment of their imagination. Again though, I might miss them. Some nights, I'm sure I'll lie awake and wonder if they'll ever have kids. I'll wonder if they still love each other with the intensity and vigor of the first year of marriage. I'll wonder if she ever figured out how to shut the hell up every once in a while. Seriously, he could have just been bashing her skull with a bat and I wouldn't have known the difference. Sounds sexy; Ain't sexy.

Sometimes, the best friendships are the ones you make with people who don't know you exist. If that sounded creepy, it's because it is. Let this be a lesson to anyone who's planning on living next to me. If you disturb my sleep, I will cut you. Probably with a blade of some sort.

For now, the bedroom wall is silent. We sleep in peace, earplug and squeaky spring free. Until, of course, our new neighbors move in. Time will only tell what they decide to unknowingly share through the plaster. For now, I'm doing what I said I'd be doing, drinking my favorite cocktails in my boxer shorts, raising my glass in triumphant victory over the couple who foolishly thought they could take on the Missus and I without great emotional harm.

I've never felt more in love. When the new neighbors arrive, however, they won't need to know.

Comments:
Don't count your blessings until you know who's moving in next door. It could be worse, you know.
 
You got that right. Time will tell, but until then, I'm enjoying the quiet.

Really though, I don't know how much worse it could have gotten. If the new neighbors fight really loud or throw parties, I can handle that a lot more than an intimate moment.

PERSONAL TO RJ: Where were the midgets? I sat through two hours of Monday Night Raw to see this guy, and he's a no-show. Whuh happa?
 
Turns out, due to time constraints, they had to cut his segment at the last minute. But, they did say it would be on next week. He also go invited to Smackdown on Friday in Green Bay by Fit Finlay, to possibly tape something, but no guarantees if it gets aired. Said something about trying for a more permanent manager position with one of the guys, too. We'll see what happens with that.
 
So, he'll probably be on next week's Raw, and maybe on Friday's Smackdown from Green Bay? Got it.

What happened to professional wrestling? I watched it for two hours and there was less than 15 minutes of actual wrestling. I understand they have made it more of am entertaining soap opera for guys, but it was just exceedingly boring. I'm from the old school, though, so what do I know?

All I know about wrestling in the last decade is this: Rey Mysterio Jr. is the coolest wrestler ever, and I'll watch the Green Bay Smackdown! if there's even a chance he'll show up.
 
'an,' not 'am.'
 
Yea, it kind of went downhill after they bought out all their competitors. I guess if you're the only game in town, you're going to be the biggest.

The local stuff is much better... I work security at them once in a while. I don't get paid, but I get in free, it's kind of entertaining, and people buy me drinks.
 
When I was younger, me and some friends went to see someone we knew wrestle locally. He cut his head open on purpose and things got real gross real fast. It was still an alright time.

However, one of the happier moments of my childhood was seeing Andre the Giant wrestle during a WWF event in Oshkosh.
 
Where in Oshkosh is big enough to hold Andre the Giant?

Anyone want a peanut?

(If anyone catches that reference, I will give you a peanut)
 
I didn't catch the reference, but I'll guess it had something to do with Family Guy.

Andre the Giant and co. rolled into the Kolf Sports Center every now and again. I saw him with Rick Martel and the Rougeau Brothers, among others. I think Big John Stud was there, too.

Good times. My mom bought me Bret Hart sunglasses.
 
It's a Princess Bride, reference. Andre the Giant was in that movie, you know.
 
I thought I told you not to answer. However, the bro is correct. Your peanut is in the mail.
 
Gah! I should have known. Andre The Giant was great in Princess Bride; everyone was, really.

I'm married, so I can say these things with limited clucks and cockeyed glances.
 
And Christopher Guest (Spinal Tap, Waiting for Guffman, etc...) was the six-fingered man.
 
I really think Fred Savage took that movie to another level.
 
You know, I didn't realize that Christopher Guest and Rob Reiner worked together on this movie until the most recent time I watched it. I'm slow sometimes.

Fred Savage was good, Columbo was better.

'This is a rock concert, it's not the bleedin'...splish-splash show.'
 
Anyone know how Sons & Daughters is doing?
 
I think the general consensus is that it's gone...

Here is a quote from a TVguide online column

"Matt Roush: Sadly, I think last week's episodes were probably the last we'll see of Sons & Daughters, unless there's a miracle. The numbers were very low and got worse week to week — not surprising for a challenging, unconventional comedy that many weeks took such dramatic and poignant twists it had me near tears, even as I laughed. Airing episodes back-to-back was a terrible miscalculation. Even popular, commercial comedies rarely work programmed that way."

This is what I've heard about "Sons and Daughters", in general, from most of the TV people out there. It's a shame, they didn't even really give it a chance. I'm not sure what is up with the networks these days, but they've stopped giving shows any chance to pick up an audience and gain ground. They tend to bury new shows against giants like "American Idol" and then yank it because it didn't fair well.

I'm one of those TV viewers that usually takes a while before i get into a show. I didn't start watching LOST until part way through the first season (I thought it was supposed to be a spin-off of Jurassic Park, the Lost World, ha!). And I think there are a lot of viewers like me out there.

I think this all started when the reality shows hit it big. Why should the networks waste their money trying to drum up viewership for expensive comedies and dramas when they can cancel it, put on a reality show that is cheap to produce, and still make money on it even if it doesn't do so well in the ratings.

Also, how much do you want to bet that NBC is going to opt to keep "Scrubs" soley to spite ABC, and then keep it buried and refuse to advertise for it. Part of me doesn't care, because I'm going to still keep watching it, since it's the funniest show on TV. But it's still completely and utterly wrong. (You heard about the whole "ABC to pick up "Scrubs" if NBC passes," right, because otherwise, none of that makes any sense)

Congratulations on losing your noisy neighbors! Now start performing some voodoo rituals to help ensure that you have good, new neighbors. And then, when you are done with the chicken, you can eat it. (The same applies for goat heads, too.) Let me know if you need some good recipes....
 
You know, it was nice that we got to see 8 or 10 episodes of S&D in 4-5 weeks, but the time slot was horrid and ABC knew it. You could have taken those episodes and peppered the linup with them, figuring out where the show's comfort zone was. I can see it coming from a mile away, but I'll still be incredibly bummed if we never see another S&D again.

When I see this sort of thing happen, I always think about Seinfeld. They were given something like a 3-4 episode deal to start with, and they flirted with cancellation for the entire first and second seasons. Now, Seinfeld makes more money in syndication than most currently-running shows. It's a shame to think that the future of TV comedy is getting canned, pushing the movement back another decade.

I'm working on things I can do to keep noisy neighbors away. In fact, I'm working on things I can do to keep everyone away. I've been spending a lot of time on the deck with nothing on, dancing to 'Want You Back' by the Jackson 5. I do realize, however, that this could horribly backfire.
 
http://blogs.abc.com/outonalimb/
 
"I'm married, so I can say these things with limited clucks and cockeyed glances."

Ryan, what does this mean? I don't get it.

I like to think that my cat-based song parodies are what drove the neighbors out. And possibly crazy as well.
 
I'm so glad you're back on the CDP. This place jumped the shark the second you left.

What I meant by the quote was that...well, it was kind of fruity.

If the neighbors moved out because of the cat-themed jingle parodies, then they are the ones that are truly crazy.
 
You? Fruity? Never!
 

Post a Comment

<< Home