Monday, May 8

50 More Random Facts About Chuck Norris.

So...we're still doing this?

Wait, is this still funny? Come on, you've got to be yanking me.

Here's the deal. I took today off of work, which means I took today off of the CDP, too. Sorry kids, them's the breaks. It's quite nice out, and the driving range is calling my name; I've got clubs and tees and everything.

My traffic the last few weeks has been through the roof, so it only makes sense that I do everything in my power to whiz the opportunity down my leg. What better way to celebrate my newfound attention than by making my page appear more out of touch than an episode of The 700 Club? That's right, there is no better way.

So, while I'm out shanking and hooking and whatnot, enjoy 50 more slices of an Internet Phenomenon pie that's so rotten and past its prime I didn't even bother to spell-check it. Actually, most of these are pretty funny, and hey, it's better than nothing, right?

Right?

1. Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.

2. Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.

3. Chuck Norris can kick start a car.

4. Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.

5. Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.

6. Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

7. Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident and still managed to walk it off.

8. Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.

9. Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

10. Chuck Norris CAN in fact, stop the beat.

11. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

12. Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

13. When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

14. Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

15. CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

16. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

17. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

18. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

19. Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

20. A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

21. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

22. Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

23. If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

24. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

25. Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

26. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

27. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

28. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendents are known today as Giraffes.

29. Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this would end the universe.

30. Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

31. Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

32. Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

33. Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

34. When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

35. Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

36. Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

37. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

38. Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

39. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

40. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

41. Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

42. Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

43. For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

44. The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

45. He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris…dies.

46. Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

47. One time, I was with Chuck Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Chuck Norris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer.

48. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

49. Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing ‘Chuck Norris’ for every answer.

50. There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.


I'll be back with something original (read:better) in a day or two. Thanks for playing; sound off in the comments section.

Comments:
It was worth the read just for #47.
 
Oh, I know. I actually sifted through a lot of these, and I wouldn't have posted them unless I thought they really were funny.

I kept going through and cutting ones that I didn't like, and #47 always made me laugh just because it was so unnecessary. The spirit of Norris is still alive and kicking.
 
This post inspired me to finally post on my blog, my own Chuck Norris facts post, every blog needs at least one.
 
Every time I see a Chuck Norris movie at a video store I laugh because some random "fact" pops into my head.
 
Norris is in the bloodstream. I bet the Hallmark Channel's re-airings of Walker, Texas Ranger have gone through the roof in the last year.
 
One more Chuck Norris post and you will officially be banned from Blogger. I don't know if you saw that, but it was in the fine print of their privacy policy.
 
Damn fine print!
 

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