Thursday, May 25

Katharine McPhee Watch - Volume 11.

Katharine McPhee Is Not A Loser. I am.

92,000 people auditioned for American Idol this year.

There is now 1 singer left, and it is not Katharine McPhee.

Just thought you might want to know. Time for a post-mortem:

This was the best Top Five AI has ever had. Any of these people would have made a great and deserving winner, and I'm pretty glad that the nice guy finished first this time around. It's not like Katharine, Elliott and Chris won't make a ton of cash regardless. Besides, Taylor needed to win a lot more than Katharine did.

Taylor Hicks is an underdog in every sense of the word, but he actually sailed through the contest easier than anyone has ever done; only him and Kelly Clarkson can say they were never in the bottom three. The south (Alabama especially) likes to vote in record numbers, and there was just no way the Hollywood girl was going to triumph over people who have gun racks in their trucks. Just look at our braying jackass of a president for further example.

Also, Katharine suffered from a flaw that I myself am prone to. When she got nervous or criticized in any way, she sort of lashed out, got defensive and said something...well, bitchy. Taylor was the gentleman, and took everything in stride. Of course, he didn't botch nearly as many songs as Katharine did, so everything was sunshine and lollipops as far as he was concerned.

Speaking of Taylor, I have a secret for you. He says 'Soul Patrol' three times after every performance, sometimes even interrupting Ryan or the judges to do it (quite awkwardly at times). As someone who has OCD, I can spot that crap from a mile away. Taylor doesn't say it because he wants to, he says it because he thinks his parents will die in a fire if he doesn't.

Finally, here's an AI epilogue to close the book on this season:

Melissa McGhee.
Melissa McGhee: Will achieve minor fame as the question to a Jeopardy answer under the category "Are They Dead Or Alive?" (Answer: Dead.)

Kevin Covais.
Kevin Covais: Will go on a shooting spree on a Carnival Cruise ship, murdering headline lounge act John Peter Lewis before turning the gun on himself. He will do all this while wearing a Chicken Little costume.

Lisa Tucker.
Lisa Tucker: Will become the owner and CEO of "The Whitney Houston Experience," which will specialize in Whitney Houston cover songs and shows from the 'B.C. Era' (Before Crack).

Mandisa: Will marry Ruben Studdard and start the sweatiest gospel church this side of the Mississippi. Will be the first church ever to serve ribs during mass.

Bucky Covington.
Bucky Covington: Will undergo surgery to have all the crap removed from his mouth. People will still have no idea what in the hell he's saying.

Kellie Pickler
Kellie Pickler: Will graduate magna cum laude from Oxford with a degree in astronomical physics. Upon taking notice of her work, Steven Hawking's head will explode.

Ace Young.
Ace Young: Will legally change his name to "Ass Young," and work as an adult film star. Upon taking notice of his work, Steven Hawking's head will explode.

Paris Bennett.
Paris Bennett: Will go back to school and wrap up her 5th grade studies. Because she's very young, you see.

Chris Daughtry.
Chris Daughtry: Will start a band that looks the same, dresses the same and sounds the same as every single modern rock outfit on the God damn planet. Debut album sells more copies than the population of the world.

Elliott Yamin.
Elliott Yamin: Will become Hasidic, grow a beard and start a solo reggae project called "Yamin."

Katharine McPhee
Katharine McPhee: Will stumble across the CDP one day and see all the positive comments and support I've given her over the last few months. Will become secretly infatuated with me, knowing that the relationship could never be. Will start cutting out photos of me and pasting them on her bedroom wall. Then the phone calls will start. Soon, my wife will get concerned and the police will get involved. I'll have to shut down my blog and enter the Witness Protection Program for some reason. It will culminate with her breaking into my house one night, watching me and the Missus as we sleep. Fatal Attraction-style, me and the Missus will have to stab her repeatedly and drown her in the tub. It will be all over the news and I'll get a huge book deal out of it. In the TV movie, the role of me will be played by Anthony Michael Hall.

Taylor Hicks.
Taylor Hicks: Dyes hair and goes Hollywood, calling the south 'the wang of America.' Tabloids catch him and Eva Longoria making out in the Viper Room. Corpses of Joe Cocker and Ray Charles rise from their graves, hunt Taylor down and eat his brains.

Wait... Joe cocker's still alive? Well, he'll still do it just for spite.


Man.... Lost.... My God....
I know. I have no idea how I'm going to write this all up. I honestly don't know where to start.
So, I was watching Lost with some friends and they were switching to American Idol on the commercials (which made me nervous as I didn't want to miss any of Lost, but it was okay). We saw most of the number where Katherine and Taylor sang that "I Had the Time of My Life" song. I thought he sounded terrible, wasn't hitting all the notes, sounded out of breath, etc...

So, yeah... Lost. Are we supposed to wait till tomorrow to start discussing it?
Taylor sounded good enough when he really needed to; Katharine did not. More importantly, I can't believe you relinquished remote control duties to your friends. I'd never do that; don't trust 'em one bit to make proper viewing decisions.

There's no way we can hold off talking about Lost until tomorrow. I think it's illegal or something.

There were no less than 5 times when I thought my brain was imploding. This show is like shock therapy.

When Desmond said, "I think I crashed your plane," my jaw dropped and all the beer within spilled out.
That statue foot with four toes... Wha?

So now that the electromagnet's gone... Will Michael and Walt be lost at sea, weren't their compasses screwed up because of the magnet?

The deal at the end where they call Penny and say, "We found it." ... Is that Desmond's boat, or something altogether unrelated?

This may be completely wrong... Could Kate's childhood sweetheart doctor guy be Libby's husband? I need to rewatch that episode to see if I'm mixing up my facts that lead me to think that. Didn't Libby say she was from Iowa, and wasn't that where that all took place in Season 1 with Kate and her mom at the hospital? He's a doctor, so it would make sense that he could afford a sailboat. I'm sure someone will point out real quick why none of this could possibly be true.

I usually watch Lost with my girlfriend, but she couldn't last night so I watched it with a small group at some friends' house, and didn't want to be all anal about the channel switching and whatnot. Besides, her husband kept bugging her to turn it back, so it ended up okay, didn't miss anything.
The statue could be remnants of an advanced ancient civilization; or the Others are building it. What am I, Kreskin?

By the way, they're NOT on Atlantis.

Paste, that's a great theory about the magnet and the compass. I never thought of that. Sheesh, the destruction of the hatch might have blown their whole cover.

The thing at the end was the result of Penny searching for Desmond all this time. The intense electromagnetic activity of the hatch vaporizing caused a blip on the radar, alerting the people who were hired to search for it. She must know that her Dad is up to no good with this island and the race and whatnot, so I guess she knew where to look. That has big implications, because now the island has been sighted.

It also dispells some theories about the 'master plan.' For one, they are in 2004. They're not dead or in purgatory. They exist on the current planet, and the rest of the planet still exists.

The thing I took from Libby's conversation with Desmond was that here late husband was named 'Dave.' Remember that Dave was Hurley's imaginary buddy in the psych ward, which garnered some intense attention from Libby. That's a big connection if it's the same guy.

Your girlfriend couldn't make time for Lost? I think a serious conversation about priorities is in order.

I told you that the big foot-statue is the leftover remnants of the statue from Jason and the Argonauts (sp?) that comes alive. It's going to be so rad when they have to fight the skeleton army!!!!
What in God's name happened to Meat Loaf's voice? If he had tried out for the show, he would have been laughed right out of the audition room.

You know, you might not be far off concerning Jason & The Argonauts. There were a lot of references to the work of Homer last night, sort of a parallel to a mythical voyage. That would be really stupid, though, so I'm going to think about it.
Yes. I think I'm doing to start the skeleton army rumor good and early. It's going to TAKE OFF on the message boards.

I didn't notice said Homer references?

It's nice of you to put up the picture of Katharine BEFORE her eyeball popped. Moments after that historic game of "mercy" between Taylor and Katherine depicted in the photograph, her eyeball squirted right out of her socket due to the intensity of the struggle. "Unfortunately", the damage was irreparable as Taylor accidentally stepped on the eyeball, causing him to lose his balance and shatter one of his ancient, ancient hips.

I'm going to start that rumor, too, I think.
Yeah, five seconds after that picture was taken, things got really bad.

Desmond's girl toy was Penelope, who was also the name of Odyssus' wife who waited 20 years for him while he sailed around the world.

Remember the Odyssey? When I saw that giant statue, I couldn't help but think of one of the many islands Odyssus stumbled across along the way.

Honestly, it's probably just the writers trying to look well-read, but it's still a neat parallel. They always refer to the mysteries of the island as "mythology," now we might know why.
But it must be mythology from the Simpsons What is with the four toes?
Let it be known that I used that Simpsons joke in my upcoming Lost Friday post, but I wrote it before I read this comment.

Paste, I also used your theory about the newly-destroyed hatch mussing up Michael's escape directions.

I don't want to be accused of theory/joke stealing.

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