Wednesday, June 7

The Day Of The Beast - Part II.

Day Of The Beast.
(Rated SB for Slight Blasphemy. It's all in good fun, though.)

About 5 minutes before noon, as I was getting my apartment all cleaned up, my cell phone rang. It was Jesus, who got lost on the way to my place. I informed Him that He should consider investing in a GPS or, at the very least, check Mapquest before heading out. He told me that Heaven's wireless connection was down, so I let him off the hook. Worse still, this meant that Satan and I would have to shuffle around awkward conversation while waiting for the Son of God to make his appearance.

True to his word, the bowels of the earth cracked open at precisely quarter after 12, the horrid sounds of billions of suffering souls howling out for rescue. Satan was wearing a t-shirt crudely fashioned out of the skin of sinners. It said "I shot J.R." on it. He wore no pants and didn't remove his shoes upon entering my freshly-vaccuumed foyer.

SATAN: "Like my shirt? HAAAA-HAAA!"

Flames shot from his fingertips and plaster rattled loose above my head.

CDP: "It's fine, I guess. I'm assuming that you air nothing but Dallas reruns in hell?"

SATAN: "You know it; the only channel we get is TV Land. Where's the can?"

CDP: "First door on your left."

As Satan excused himself, I went back into the kitchen and sliced up cubes of Provolone cheese. After a minute I heard a flush, but Satan didn't emerge. That was followed by another flush, and then another. Then silence for what seemed like forever. Finally, I heard the unmistakable gurgling sound of the Prince of Darkness trying feverishly to plunge my clogged toilet. After more trial and error, he came out, looking sheepish and embarrassed.

CDP: "Hey...I'll take care of it."

SATAN: "....thanks, man."

After putting out that fire (seriously, the toilet was on fire), me and Satan split a beer (Hamms Light) and watched SportsCenter until Jesus found his way to my doorstep. He was holding a plate of tortilla roll-ups and wearing a white t-shirt that said "Johnny Damon is my homeboy." Apparently, novelty t's are still quite the rage in far reaches of the galaxy. Jesus smelled fantastic, as I figured he would; sandalwood, pine and forgiveness.

JESUS: "Hello, my son. Like my shirt?"

CDP: "Hey Jesus; yeah, it's pretty funny. Big Red Sox fan?"

JESUS: "You know it. Is irony still considered hip on Earth? I haven't been down here in a while."

CDP: "Well, I hope it's still cool; I don't keep this moustache for my health, you know!"

We then shared a laugh and hi-fived. Jesus set the roll-ups on my dining room table and craned his neck around.

JESUS: "Beautiful place you've got here. you have a bathroom I could use?"

I didn't want to further humilate Satan, who was already staring at his feet to begin with, so I lied and said that the plumbing was shot. He understood, but I think he knew I was fibbing. I asked him if he wanted some wine, and he told me that a glass of water would be plenty. He's a funny guy.

As soon as Jesus walked into the living room, Satan started in with the trash-talking.

SATAN: "Typical. Instead of doing it Himself, God sends His Son in His place. Does that guy even exist?"

JESUS: "Do you even exist?"

Then the room got really quiet, and they stared each other down for a bit. Then they noticed each other's shirts and started cracking up.

"Okay," I said. "Let's get down to business."

TOMORROW: Part 3 of 3.

Five Awesome Things:

1. Cartoon Network's Adult Swim has bought the rights to episodes of Pee-Wee's Playhouse, and will start airing them this summer.

2. Season Three of Arrested Development will be released on August 29.

3. Cheap Seats is back on ESPN Classic with new episodes.

4. Meat Loaf is releasing Bat Out Of Hell 3.

5. Erin's back from Spain.

It's going to be a good summer.

Two points of interest that no one else probably cares about:

New album from the Paper Chase.
Full length from Genghis Tron.

Both are amazing.
I saw the new Paper Chase at Exclusive the other day and picked up the new Hi-Fi instead. Hide The Kitchen Knives really let me down, so I've had a hard time giving them a second chance.
I just read in EW that there are going to be ten three-minute "webisodes" of The Office, featuring the accountants and some other secondary characters.
Hide The Kitchen Knives let you down? Um, ok... their style really hasn't ever changed much, I don't know how you could be let down unless you're expecting a drastic change.

They're playing here in a few weeks, by the way. The 19th, I think. Regardless of how you feel about their albums, they're a ton of fun to see.

Also, does anyone want to see the stills with me in Madison in a few weeks?
10 three-minute episodes online? That's like an entire brand-new episode for free! Ideas like that will save NBC yet.

Also, based on the success of The Office, perhaps we'll see more shows like this start to come along, and you know, maybe stick around longer than 10 episodes.

Aaron, the thing about the Paper Chase was that I had expected them to be something they weren't. People kept telling me that they were like a soundtrack to a horror movie and intense and whatnot, and I honestly thought they just sounded like a paranoid, screamo-type outfit.

There's not anything seriously wrong with that (Keepsake), I was just misinformed by the hype machine and let down. It's not really the band's fault, but you're right, I'm sure they are an absolute blast live.

Which reminds me, I saw Norma Jean (formerly Luti-Kriss) at LiFest many years ago, and it was one of the most amazing live experiences I've ever seen. I don't even think At The Drive-In put so much emotion into their performances. I was floored.
No offense, but maybe you weren't paying enough attention. There is no way you could classify the Paper Chase as 'screamo.'

The Benjamins are playing on Saturday, I think. FYI.
Okay, perhaps my choice of wording was incorrect. They're a bit more complex than screamo, but I just wasn't buying it.

Just to be sure, I'll listen to it tomorrow. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to let it into my heart. My cold, black heart.

Are the Benjamins playing with Juiceboxxx? Furthermore, are the Benjamins back together, or are they just going to play the same 10 songs until the end of time? I don't have a problem with that, I was just wondering.
Ryan played me the Paper Chase CD when he got it, and it was laughable. But then again I doubt anyone would have expected anything more from me.

I bet Jesus' tortilla rollups are heavenly. Not as heavenly as Erin's though--I guaran-damn-tee it.
Oh, it's true. It's damn true.

After trying Jesus' roll-ups, I got to thinking that He might have procured Erin's recipe somehow.
The Benjamins' show isn't advertised as a "Reunion Show" this time...I think they're just going to be that band that only plays a show or two every year and never writes any new songs.
The Benjamins' show isn't advertised as a "Reunion Show" this time...I think they're just going to be that band that only plays a show or two every year and never writes any new songs.
I love the irony of the Johnny Damon is my homeboy T-shirt. Did you truly mean to go as deep as you did? Red Sox Nation regards him as a Judas. He was once one of the apostles, but was cast out when he took the Yankees' peices of silver.
Oh yes, I'm deeper than the Mariana Trench. Johnny Damon hurt me big time. It's only a coincidence that he looks exactly like my dad.

Mediocre At Best should reunite as a full-time Impossibles cover band.
This is, if Ben learns the words.

The people demand a M@B reunion show!
Not gonna happen.
I'm wearing a M@B shirt right now.

Yea, Ben never will learn those words, will he? Probably forgot the words to the original songs, too!
I'd have to learn the bass parts too...not gonna happen.

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