Thursday, July 6

Bless You.

Bless You.

So, I got ordained. Seriously.

Weddings? Baptisms? Last Rites? I'm your man for all occasions and faiths (although, I'm not legally allowed to do circumcisions for some reason). The gospel of the CDP is spreading, and I'm taking this message to a higher plane. I should have done this years ago.

My first order of business is to change my cards to say 'Reverend' before my name.

I suppose you're wondering how this all got started. A few months ago, I found out that a member of my family was expecting a baby. She was worried about the idea of a baptism, as my family tree contains many differing faiths and opinions. She didn't want to upset anyone and was concerned over what to do, so she made the huge mistake of asking me. I figured that the best way to quell the family was to keep the ceremony in the family, so I went through the ordination process for her. That way, I can do a proper baptism while still respecting the wishes of the family and Mother-to-be.

I can be pretty awesome sometimes; now I'm awesome on a whole new level.

Working for the state, I know that it's actually quite simple and painless to get ordained in Wisconsin. Religious matters are avoided like the plague when government is involved, so religious ceremonies here can be done by just about anyone.

Just call me Reverend Anyone. I have the certificate to prove it; I printed it out myself. Legally, I can start my own church if I wanted to. I won't, however, because I fear I've angered God plenty over the last 24 years.

The baptism won't be in the cards until around September, so I've been using that time to flaunt my newfound power. I've stopped paying taxes, for one. I'm also holding confessionals in my cubicle during lunch breaks. In all actuality, I was just doing this so I could add another minor credential to my expanding empire; I didn't think anything important would come of it.

This was until last week, when I found out that my uncle and future aunt were getting married at the end of the month. They heard that I was in the marryin' business and wanted me aboard.

You see what I've gotten myself into?

I've been an usher, a groomsman, a best man and a groom, but I've never been the guy wearing the robe. Also, I've written a lot of things I'm my day, but never a wedding ceremony.

I better get started. Holy s#!%.

What do you have to say about it? Sound off in the comments section, and let me know if there are any ceremonies you would like Reverend CDP to preside over.

They want something short & simple if that makes you feel better. I will get you more details.
Seriously? Where did this come from? I don't know why you'd even consider this, but I guess it's cool.
As I mentioned in the post, I basically did it for a family member; although it's something I was interested in for a long time. Why not? It didn't cost anything.

It's been years since I wrote a public speech (or did public speaking); I've got to get in the zone over the next week or so.

Oh, and before I get any e-mails by people telling me that this is a big responsibility and I should be more serious and whatnot, I know. Don't worry, I'm not an idiot.
It's not like you're a pastor or a priest or anything. It's just that you can legally perform a lot of ceremonies that they can. Correct? I guess I always thought that it was a much longer and more complicated process for such a thing.
I can call myself whatever I want, essentially (Reverend). All the title does is associate you with a particular belief or teaching.

If I really wanted to make something out of this, I guess I could go through the motions and start a church, but really, that's not what I want to do. I just like the fact that I can marry people now.
You should marry things around your house for fun. The cats, for example. Or the NES and the Sega Genesis.
I'm not allowed to. Believe me, marrying the cats was going to be my first order of business.
Just people? Lame.
Yep, the first thing I said is he should marry the cats together too...apparently, that's the first no-no on the list.
RJ's friend Short Stack sort of looks like a miniature version of UFC's Shamrock.
Totally. Who wants to marry people anymore?

Speaking of which, I've got to get going on writing this wedding ceremony. The soon-to-be married couple in question have each been married before, so I was planning on opening with a joke. Something like:

"You'll have to excuse me; I've never held a marriage before. However, you two have never held down a marriage before, so we'll call it a wash."

Yup, this is all going to go quite smoothly.

(I'm just kidding, in case any family is reading; they're both wonderful and dear people.)
I'd pay anything to watch a Shortstack vs. Shamrock match; regardless of how quickly Mr. Stack was broken in half.
I think he could hold his own...I don't think he's much shorter than Mr. Shamrock.
Hey, you leave that man alone. I saw him punch a guy so hard that he broke his hand.
I think they would like a joke, although I don't think they would like that one.
Try to incorporate Tony Little or Chuck Norris if you can.
...And then you should marry Chuck Norris and Tony Little. Just think of the offspring they'd produce!

It's too bad I don't have Photoshop at the moment or I'd throw together some images...
And do you guys really watch professional wrestling? If so, you may have lost the credibility to insult Family Guy.
Okay, I'll try to think of a joke that's a bit more marriage-friendly. Maybe a pre-nup joke?

If Chuck Norris married Tony Little, the CDP would be warped out of existence. All irony would lose meaning.

You know, it's the damnest thing. I started watching wrestling again a couple months ago, after RJ informed me of the Shortstack situation, and I haven't shut it off since. At first, I chalked it up to the lack of quality TV programming in the summer, but I think I'll continue to watch it come Fall. It's awakened a certain childhood nostalgia in me; and it's been entertaining me just fine.

Also, the Missus has come to enjoy it as well. Considering that she enjoys roughly .00001% of the things that I do, I will grasp these opportunities by the horns and never let go.
Did I mention I'm a Reverend?
I've always wondered how I could get an "esquire" at the end of my name. Is there some sort of test I need to take for that? Can you do that for me?

As far as you being a Reverend, it's probably going to be so much fun for you to end every random sentence with, "And with the powers vested in me by the great state of Wisconsin, I hereby enter my PIN number for this spray cheese and Moon Pies."
Whenever I address my cats by name, I try to throw an 'Esquire' in there every now and again. It boosts morale around the house; makes 'em feel good about themselves.

I should change my name to Reverend Max Power.
Max Power. Now that's a name I want to touch...

In other news, is anyone watching "Rockstar Supernova"? I know some of you guys are into reality TV. I usually don't watch stuff like that or American Idol, but one of the finalists (15 out of 25,000) is from my fine city of Portland, Oregon, and I "sort of" know her. I've met her before, and she's part of the extended family of that radio show I mentioned whose host did that movie I was a corpse in. Her name is Storm Large, and she's fantastic. It doesn't hurt that she's pretty smokin' hot, but she can also friggen rock like nobody's business (you can see some clips on YouTube). And for the lecherous of you (which of course is not me, being a nice, Christian boy), you can see some pictures of her here:

Anyway, that's my plug. Vote Storm! (And yes, it is her real name...)
I think I just missed tonight's episode, but I'll be sure to keep an eye on it. I'll be honest with you though, anything with Tommy Lee in it will be hard to watch.

No jokes, please.
The first episode was last night, and there will be ("was" for you Mid Westerners) an episode tonight at 9:00. I think it will be on Tuesdays from now on. It's weird, because there's a whole episode online (at but I don't think it's going to air. I think the only things that will air are the singing parts, and they're going to put the "reality/living in the house" parts online.

And from my "inside knowledge," Storm caught Tommy Lee bragging to some other dudes that she hit on him (which she didn't), and she totally gave him a verbal bitch slap. She's completely intimidating because she's like 6 feet tall and has balls of steel, and I think Tommy Lee kind of respected her for that, judging on his comments on her first performance.

And in other, other news, did you see that gi-normic "Lost" map that was linked on today? I haven't had time to study it, but the image itself is like 4 MB big... it in your power to bless a divorce party? Because I'm having one Saturday. Although, on second thought, the Rev CDP probably shouldn't bless such drunken debauchery. Or think about it too much.
You don't need a Reverend for a divorce party, but you still have my blessing nonetheless. Best of luck for the future, yo.

Todd, I'm starting to like this Storm person already. I'll do what I can to check it out next week, and I'll take a peek at their page sometime today. It's always nice to see someone you know on TV, unless they're on trial for something they took the blame for that you did.


Gi-normic Lost map? 4MB? I'm there. I'm going to start my Season Three Preview soon, so I'll take all the help I can get.
You can find the map here (not safe for dial-up, 'cause it's freakin' huge...)

Again, not sure how "official" it is, but it's pretty interesting.

And when I mentioned that Storm Large had balls, it's almost literal, because her band name is "Storm and the Balls." She's fantastic. And yes, my wife pointed out that I'm getting a little too obsessed with her already...
That map is massive. Lost has this effect on people that makes them want to create things like that. It's wild.

With a band name like Storm Large & The Balls, who needs Tommy Stupid Lee's band?
In light of the Jonestown incident, I will refrain from drinking at the wedding.
I suppose it's not good manners for the Reverend to be drinking, either.

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