Monday, July 10

Just Quit Already. (Post #400 - Part I.)

Post #400 - Part I.

Post #400, 'eh? Man, I should have baked a cake. Or at the very least, brought along a 2-liter bottle of store-brand soda. Mountain Rush? Dr. Pibb?

After 28 months and over 107,000 hits later, the CDP has hit the 400 mark. In honor of this occasion, I've assembled some of the best quotes, quips and sound bytes from the last 200 posts (over 250 of them to be exact, spread out over the course of the week). Consider this yet another condensed trip down Recent Memory Lane.

During my 200th post, I remarked that the next 200 would be better; I hope that I accomplished that. If not, you can all go straight to hell; this is my show, here.

Oh, and if you want to check out the best of the first 200 posts, check out the trilogy here, here and here. Away we go, kids:

(Part I contains quotes collected from June 2005 to August 2005.)

Employers use the week before a vacation to spring all sorts of new stuff on you, because they know you’ll be in a gruntled mood. They figure you won’t shoot the place up just hours before you set sail. Well, they’ve never met me. – June 2005

I’m sick of giving the cable company my money, but the DVR’s only an extra ten bucks a month, and I can tape things while I’m watching other things. I’m sold. – June 2005

I was looking forward to driving through Chicago, not because I like the city, but because I wouldn’t have to stop in it. – June 2005

Ben whizzed the interview down his leg with flying colors. Before you could say “profiling”, the four of us were standing in front of the car while three cops were tearing our luggage apart. We had been in Canada for no less than two minutes, and we were already facing immediate deportation. I didn’t think for a second that it could go any other way. – June 2005

I had never eaten a veggie sub for breakfast before in an empty mall food court, but there's a first time for everything. – June 2005

Canadian Television is basically the same crap that we have in the states; they just have a Canadian equivalent. The one thing they have that we certainly do NOT have is a French station that played nothing but terrifying children’s shows all morning. These French clowns would prance around, singing surreal songs and riding those old-fashioned bikes with the huge wheel in the front. Sometime in the evening, the children’s programming would cease in favor of soft-core porn. No thank you. – June 2005

Come to think of it, I don’t know if I brought anything useful to this trip besides my money. - June 2005

Looking back, I think we were all in bad moods for the same reason. We felt tiny. I mean, we were four intelligent, independent people who had absolutely no idea what the hell they were doing. Everything we did was done with hesitation. Every decision had to be voted upon. Simple tasks and directions were being swallowed whole by the city. We, as Americans, felt arrogant, pompous and quite loser-y. When a city backs you into a corner like that, it's only normal to start lashing out at each other. It's how us shaved apes keep order. If our petty little squabble was the worst thing that happened over the course of the week (and it probably was), then we all had a pretty good week. – June 2005

It was there that I consumed the single greatest veggie burger ever made. It took us a full three minutes to even determine if it was meat or not, that’s how good it was. I swear to you, burger technology is really moving in leaps and bounds. – June 2005

After the stroll through the city, we headed for the Hard Rock Cafe. We saw memorabilia from such acts as Rush, Nickelback and Our Lady Peace. Psssh...Canada. – July 2005

I'm not even close to the person that I think I am. Keeping up the lie is half the battle. I never said I was a fun guy to hang around. – July 2005

I could use my cell phone in Canada briefly when it was bouncing off the New York tower back in the states. USA! USA! – July 2005

Ben and Sherry are getting re-married on their 1st anniversary, because it's some sort of weird family tradition that nobody seems to understand, but I know you get extra gifts. – July 2005

Being conjoined by the hair would suck, because you could never cut it. – July 2005

During yet another argument in the car, this time concerning where we were, Benjamin furiously pointed at the map and shouted, "here are we!" Any seriousness he was going for went completely out the window after that ridiculous exclamation. – July 2005

Right outside of the airport, there was a strip club called "The Landing Strip". This marks the first time I have ever seen a triple entendre used for the name of a business. – July 2005

Before we went to sleep, I went to the candy machine for a Nestle's Crunch. Of course, the bar got stuck in the coils, so I tried to shake the machine to knock it loose. I thought the machine would be bolted to the ground, but it wasn't. Completely overcompensating, I lifted the machine right off the ground, bringing it down with a deafening crash. I got my Nestle's Crunch bar, along with a corkscrew and some other stuff from the top row. – July 2005

We were hungry in the meantime, so we spotted an abandoned cake in an empty conference room. We helped ourselves to some, and ate them back in our rooms, without utensils. – July 2005

The wine list was about 20 pages, and there were bottles of wine that were more expensive than my car. – July 2005

Toronto was nothing if it wasn't a learning experience. – July 2005

The newspaper took what I did and turned it into a brief, clunky, rushed joke of an article, with my dumbass name on the top in bold. It's unnerving to see people reading this all around Madison, possibly making false assumptions about the writing style of certain egotistical maniac. – July 2005

I decided not to take any photos of the trolls. I took plenty of them the last couple trips to New Glarus, and it's been a few months since I've had a crippling nightmare, so I didn't want to rock the boat. – July 2005

It's a beautiful thing to make your closet more efficient. It took me no time to organize my shoe collection, because the only pair that I have is on my feet. – August 2005

So there I sat on the deck, in the 92 degree heat, husking corn by myself. During that process, my cats sat by the patio door, almost mocking me because they were in the freezing cold house. They kept looking at me and cocking their heads, attempting to understand why the guy who feeds them is sitting alone in the blistering sun, skinning corn. Wiping my brow every two seconds, I kept wondering about the life choices I made to get to this point. Then I saw the Missus drive up, and it all made sense again. – August 2005

All of a sudden, in 2005, we don’t know how to make a space shuttle. Things keep blowing up, crewmen are losing their lives, and mission after mission is scrapped for adjustments and repairs. Now, rewind back to July 20, 1969. A flawless mission straight to the moon. Color TV’s were still a novelty, and there’s Neil Armstrong driving a goddamn go-kart on the lunar surface. – August 2005

One thing about Gabe that reminds me of myself is his crippling anxiety. He’s incredibly aware of his surroundings, and reacts accordingly. When we first brought him home to meet with our other cat, she didn’t appreciate his company. She bit and hissed, and Gabe wanted nothing more than to make friends with his new roommate. This rejection hurt him, and he took to chewing all the fur off of his paws. – August 2005

Every day for the week we slept with the door open, we’ve woken up to cat whiz in the tub. – August 2005

A minute later, the Missus spilled her drink all over the table. Our quiet corner sanctuary was now abuzz with waitresses and turned heads. I nervously jittered, twisting my napkin into a knot until everyone went away. – August 2005

Driving home, I kept sinking, my body rejecting the foreign objects I’ve just inserted into it. When a body goes without meat for years, it has serious problems when it’s suddenly introduced in large quantities. I felt like crap warmed over, and spent the rest of the night in the bathroom and on the couch. I called my Mom for sympathy, and played Mario Golf until I fell asleep. – August 2005

She’s previously read all six of the Harry Potter books front to back, and I’m convinced that she’ll kill me once she’s finished, certain that she’ll have nothing better to do and nothing to live for. – August 2005

Next, we headed to the movies. We decided to see March of the Penguins, because the Missus loves penguins, and I love the soothing tone of Morgan Freeman. It’s a win-win situation. – August 2005

I ate a bag of Kit-Kat Bites at the theater and they were fantastic. There must have been eight candy bars worth of chocolate in that bag. – August 2005

We saw a few houses that were in our price range, but weren’t big enough for our tastes. Something’s going to have to give eventually, and it’s going to be my wallet. – August 2005

I plow through remote control batteries pretty quickly by frequently checking the "flashback" button. For some reason, I think that the TV will forget what channels I'm currently toggling back and forth, so I have to keep tabs on it. I'll flip back for no reason other than the reassurance that it's still there. – August 2005

One time, I borrowed a bunch of albums to a friend, and as a joke, he returned them to me with all the disks in the wrong cases. We never spoke again. – August 2005

If I can find a way to entertain my wife while I'm watching sports, she will be content to sit with me and enjoy herself. For example, last March during the NCAA basketball tournament, she found out that I had entered an office pool. Now that money was riding on the games, she cheered and swore right along with me. I've never loved her more. – August 2005

Joe Theisman is funny because he says any and every dumbass thing that comes to his head. I especially like him because he suffered a compound fracture on live television. – August 2005

You are the company you keep, and in that case, I'm on the road to perfection. – August 2005

Good memories will disappear unless they are shared. – August 2005

I can tell that Ben loves Sherry, because of the way he looks at her. The way that he, at the very least, pretends to listen to what she has to say. The way that he never appears the least bit shaken or angry, even when she's being completely unreasonable and bitchy. He has the temper of a Koala bear, and will go to the ends of the earth to see to it that she's safe and happy. – August 2005

When I'm not spending dozens of hours working on drafts, I'm spending 40+ hours a week at my real job, and using the remaining time to drive the Missus the hospital. This weekend will give us both what we really need: Silence and an oil change. – August 2005

Sound off in the comments section, and praise me for creating 400 little slices of joy.


So, um, who voted on the "best of" CDP?
The CDP Academy of Arts & Sciences.

There were so many, they couldn't bear to trim it down to anything less than 250.
Mr. Pibb, more like Mr. Puke.
"Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a BS replica, because the dude didn't even get his degree. Why did you have to drop out of school and start making pop so soon?"
Mitch Hedberg reference...Very nice.
God, I miss that man. He made an entire generation of guys funnier and far more annoying at the same time. A non-stop quoting machine; like a stand-up version of The Simpsons.
Speaking of The Simpsons, my week-long post reminded me of this quote:

Krusty: "Well, you're not taking any time out of my show; it's jammed up as it is. There's a monologue, those idiot puppets, Krusty's nap time, the second monologue, Paul Harvey, Senor Papino. I tell ya, it's the tightest three hours and ten minutes on TV."

Lady: "We're cutting ten minutes from your show."

Krusty: "Well, I guess we can trim the Hobo Parade to a lean twenty."
That part of the "Best Man speech" still tears me up. Thanks Ryan.
I sure can speech well. You're welcome.

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