Monday, July 17

Ow, My Spine!

Slippin' A Disc.

Lumbar Disc Herniation. I have it; you want it.

About a week ago, I realized that it hurt when I laid down (that's what the kids like to call a "red flag," by the way). A stinging sensation ran straight up my back, with all the intensity and bravado of a cattle prod. After wincing and peeing a little, I checked to make sure I wasn't attempting to take a nap on any live wires, and thoughtfully stroked my smooth chin.

"Well, that can't possibly be right," I said to myself. Then I passed out.

Further attention located the cause of my problem to be a severely tender lower back. Ignoring it for the first few days, I then realized that my legs were experiencing a large amount of tingling and pain when I slept. My constant kicking and shifting even put me on the couch for a night or so, as to not boot the Missus in the ovaries by accident one unfortunate night. Eventually, I put two and two together, and here we are. I don't really know how it happened, but I have it and it's not going away.

And yes, I see the irony in being too out of shape for a nap. Save the jokes, turd-burglars.

In reality, it's sort of a serious thing. A lumbar disc is inflamed in my lower back, and it's messing with my spine (ruh-roh). When I press hard enough on it, my right leg tingles (ruh-roh!). I've been going over the checklist in my head as to how this might have happened, and I think it has something to do with my multiple attempts to breakdance in the living room (I do this during TV commercials so the Missus doesn't get bored). It was only a matter of time before I popped and locked one too many times, causing something to snap and leak out of my spinal cord.

Now, the Missus will never be bored. When I inevitably become a cripple, she'll have to feed me mashed vegetables and wipe my aforementioned smooth chin every day. I'll have to change the name of my page to "Quadriplegic Dance Party," and we all know how those end up. The end times are near, and I'm preparing for the rapture.

Or, it will all heal up in six weeks, provided I take it easy and gob Icy Hot on it; whichever's easiest for me. You know how much I hate putting ointments on my body, however, so paralyzation is still a serious option I'm weighing out with my family.

In the meantime, it hurts like hell and I'm not comfortable in any position but standing up. When I'm seated, I shift around more than Michael J. Fox on the Tilt-A-Whirl (meanest joke ever). When I lay down, it feels like my legs are trying to detach themselves from my doughy thorax (and can you blame them?). I'm cranky, irritable and plowing through the ice packs with reckless abandon.

You know, I can't help but think that this is some sort of divine retribution for something bad I've done in the last few weeks. Perhaps God isn't too happy with the concept of me being an ordained Reverend. Being raised Catholic, it's always been assumed that I'm a hell-bound sinner, and it was only a matter of time before the bookkeeping staff in Heaven realized that I've slipped through the cracks and vaporized me on the spot.

Imagine my surprise when they decided to kill me slowly and painfully. Those guys are a hoot.

My spine hurts. Sound off in the comments section and give me a verbal massage.


NEXT:
See You In Your Nightmares!
The CDP Visits A UFO Convention.
(Hilarity does not ensue; I'll have the video to prove it.)

Comments:
Have you seen a doctor? I'm pretty sure icy hot does not cure a lumbar disc herniation.
 
Geez, you sound like his mom!
 
I'll go to a doctor if it gets worse, but I've done my homework and this seems to be the best option. If things don't get better in a few weeks, then I have to seek further treatment. I think it involves them welding an iron bar to my back for extra support.
 
The untold truth about breakdancing... That's why they call it that.

I threw out my back about nine years ago. I was putting a guitar amp in the back of my awesome minivan, and I twisted my back just so and felt a stinging sensation shoot down my right leg. I was laid up for about a week, I could only stand being upright long enough to use the restroom. For a couple months after that, I couldn't stand for more than ten minutes without being in pain.

The doctor said it was either a pulled muscle or a slipped disc. They'd have to do an MRI to tell which... But the treatment for both was the same, so no point in an MRI. Mainly they just had me do some specific stretching exercises.

Welcome to Oldmansville.
 
Isn't it amazing what constitutes a thrown back? It's never something that you'd think would put you down; just little things like turning the wrong way.

I think a lot of thrown backs happen in the back of a van, mainly because you're crouched and turning hard. I've talked to no less than three people that have thrown out their backs in that position. Weird.

I am getting old. I might as well buy an Adidas track suit and a shuffleboard stick, because my life is pretty much over.
 
Yeah, I told the doc I was lifting and twisting around this heavy guitar amp, and she said, "It could just as easily happened if you stepped off a curb the wrong way."

That said, I still won't ever own a big amp. I had to laugh a few years ago watching a guy load in a Marshall half-stack into a coffee shop.
 
Stupid spines. Why don't they grow some backbone?

(cough)

I have to admit, my old band was guilty of sporting huge equipment for no reason. Aside from my fairly large drum kit, we used 2 Marshall half-stacks and an old bass amp that was the size of a refrigerator. No matter the size of the venue, it always looked like Van Halen was about to take the stage.
 
Yeah, Ryan, you don't have a thrown back. If you did, you wouldn't be able to sit, stand, or lay comfortably...you'd be reduced to crawling on the floor crying because you can't do ANYTHING, like I was when I threw mine out picking up a frying pan that one time.

If it's any consolation, the doctor told me I don't even HAVE a disc between 2 of the vertebrae in my neck. The bones just sort of grind together.
 
I didn't say I had a thrown back; I have a herniated lumbar disc. If I did have a thrown back, I'd be sky-high on painkillers and varnish.
 
My mom had a herniated disc in her back because she was pushing around a med cart that didn't have very good wheels on it for forty hours/week. She filed for workman's compensation, and they denied it to her because they couldn't see how pushing a med cart would herniate a disc in one's back (wouldn't you know that they replaced every single med cart in the facility after she hurt her back). She got a lawyer and eventually got paid for her injury. She had to get back surgery and was on morphine for like six months, but now she's all better!
I hope your back isn't too injured! Back surgery isn't very fun.
 
Wow. I'm pretty sure I don't have it to the extent your Mom did, but I'm taking extra-special care of it just in case. Provided I don't feel the urge to put on Paul's Boutique by the Beastie Boys and cut a rug, I should be all better in a week or so.

I remember you telling me that story about your Mom, like, six years ago. My memory's weird like that.
 
I wonder if one of those inversion tables would help, the ones that sort of hang you upside down. Supposed to help stretch out your spine, improve circulation, etc... Never tried one myself.
 
I've been doing stretches during the day and icing it at night, although not as much as I should be.

Maybe I should look into one of these torture rack-style devices you speak of. I have a friend who's a sado-masochist and can hook me up.
 
I think you should get one of those contraptions where you hang from your heels from the top of a doorframe. I don't know if it would help, but I think it would be amusing, at the least.
 
I've been kicking around the idea of getting one for a few reasons. The aforementioned thrown out back being the first. But also, I have family history of bad blood circulation in the legs, and also bad backs and tight hamstrings. They have one on amazon.com for $150 that gets rave reviews.

Also, I think it'd be fun because it seems so eccentric. I would love to be in that thing when someone comes to visit, I'd just be hanging upside down reading a book acting like nothing was unusual. To spice things up, sometimes I'd hold the book so it was actually right side up, to make it look like I'm some kind of crazy upside-down backwards-brained genius.
 
Don't they call those door frame things "gravity boots" or something like that?
 
Yes, I think they are called Gravity Boots. Although they should probably be called 'Zero Gravity Boots,' but who's complaining?

You're right, though. It would be great to be the guy who's hanging upside down when guests come over. They'll start to think you're some sort of bat that likes to read.
 
The fact that they are called "gravity boots" makes it even more essential for me to own a pair. I wonder if you could have a beverage on the floor beneath your head and drink though a straw? It would be hard, but somehow worth the effort if you pulled it off.
 
It's like a healthy version of a Keg Stand.
 
Wouldn't it hurt the head being upside down? I can't stand the way my head feels when I hang upside down off the couch...
 
Um...we shouldn't be talking about this in public, hun.


So funny.

Yeah, I've heard that you can pass out pretty quick when you're upside down, but I'm under the impression you're not supposed to spend hours in that position.
 
All I can say is to go completely overboard with taking care of yourself right now. Even though my broken foot was just this tiny piece, the doctor told me to stay immobile for 3 months or else I'd be battle gimp foot for the rest of my life. And I've got a friend who broke their hip, but the don't take the recovery seriously, and she's had to have surgery like 3 more times on it because she thinks she feels good enough to start being active again when she really isn't. So even when you think you're feeling better, don't do anything stupid. Drooling and spineless is no way to go through life, son...

Plus, it gives you plenty more time to demand sponge baths.
 
That's a good point. When the Missus got whiplash after her car accident, she felt fine afterwards, but the long-term damage was just beginning to show up. I'd hate to have that happen to me, because I'm far less resilient than the Missus.

I'll continue to take it as easy as a freelance writer with a desk job can.
 
In retrospect, maybe it was my hospital-grade administration of frozen Nestle's Toll House Morsels to my wound that healed me...

Chocolate Chips...is there anything they can't do?
 
Chocolate chips saved my Christmas last year. You should have seen how skillfully they drove my car.

I'm working on the UFO Convention post (which you're going to want to check out). I don't know when it will be up, but I'll probably be posting some fluff tomorrow or Friday.
 

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