Wednesday, July 12

Please End This. (Post #400 - Part III.)

Post #400 - Part III.

Another day, another meaty batch of quote goodness. Chew 40 times before swallowing.

(Part III contains quotes collected from December 2005 to January 2006.)

I can tell that you're tingling with anticipation. – December 2005

I've never owned or worn a shirt that advertises a television show before, because I always thought it was sad or depressing. I never had a problem with band shirts, or even movie shirts for that matter, so why was I so hung up on TV shirts? Whenever I saw someone walking around with a promotional Evening Shade shirt on, I would always think to myself, "There's a guy (it's always a guy) who's out of clean shirts." – December 2005

You can keep your hatch and Mama Cass records! You can keep your Dharma Initiative and Alvar Hanso! You can take your sparking dialogue, character development, social commentary and intriguing flashbacks and CRAM 'EM STRAIGHT UP YOUR CHUTE! This guy's taking his life back, and he doesn't need you anymore! – December 2005

The illusion of the Emo beard is to convince people you do something other than read People magazine and eat Kix all day. – December 2005

But there's a dark side. A very dark side. Like, so dark, you can't even see where your key is supposed to go, and you end up putting a big gouge into the side of your Mom's Taurus. That dark. – December 2005

Every year, good and willing people promise themselves to lose weight and vacation in Hawaii, only to gain 20 pounds while watching Montel and shoveling Pringles into their yaps; sobbing in their hands and wearing a plastic lei. – January 2006

Next to driving, nothing makes me angrier than whizzing a video game down my leg. Ever since I was a child, I've been finding new and creative ways to curse and smash a controller against a stucco wall. – January 2006

I spent most of the trip singing out loud to myself and drumming on the steering wheel. That morning was particularly frigid, so my voice shivered off-key. It was then that I found out I do a very good Bright Eyes impression when the circumstances are right. I made a mental note of it and focused on the road. – January 2006

I had never been to an IMAX theater before; presumably because my Mother was afraid of them. – January 2006

To me, there's nothing worse than a sold-out kids movie that's also appreciated by college-aged nerds. It's almost like they're in a heated battle royale to see who can annoy me the fastest. Fortunately, I have the jump on them, as I get annoyed minutes before my ticket is even ripped. – January 2006

If you applaud or cheer for a trailer at the start of the film, you will be asked to vacate the premises. Your ticket will not be refunded. – January 2006

Before entering a theatre, your picture will be taken and electronically linked to your ticket stub, which you will swipe on the armrest of your chosen seat. If you decide to switch seats, talk, answer your phone, or do anything that will otherwise disrupt the experience of those around you, the movie will instantly stop and be replaced by the picture of you. The viewing audience will then have the option to ask you to leave or make your chair explode, depending on the majority vote. They will then be provided with your license plate information and home phone number. If you are under 13, you will buckled into your seat. If you are over 13 and can't sit still, your chair will explode – January 2006

Up in the CDP Rumpus Room, you'll find an Atari 2600, NES, Sega Genesis and (basic) Coleco Vision in perfect working condition with dozens, maybe hundreds of games. It's a beautiful sight, and I'm quite proud of it. Throw that in with my ever-growing collection of Pac-Man memorabilia, and you've got yourself a shrine to a wasted youth. I sometimes go up there to cry when the Missus is sleeping. – January 2006

I'm in the male minority when I say this, but I don't really like the marketing. I think video games should be for kids, first and foremost; regardless of if they educate or entertain. I recall that feeling of magic and amazement when I played Missile Command for the first time on my 2600; it was the coolest thing I had ever seen. These days, kids have to grow up fast enough as is; now they don't even have any decent games to play. Each day of a child's life is spent wanting to be older, and when they lean their heads against the display case at a video game outlet, it's the same story. That sucks. – January 2006

If I wanted to sit by myself and play complicated video games, I wouldn't have gotten married and cut my hair in the first place. – January 2006

I'm far from what you would call a 'manly man,' but I can hold my own. I have a soft spot for splatter films and I'm only afraid of like, two things (drowning and Zell Miller). I watch sports constantly and senseless violence bounces off my forehead like a ping-pong ball. Underneath this sensitive indie shell, I guess I'm sort of a club-dragging loser, but within two minutes of playing Resident Evil 4, I pooped in my pants. In fact, I pooped in the Missus’ pants, too. – January 2006

I screeched like a Yoko Ono record. You should've seen me; I looked like I was being electrocuted. Sparks should have been emitting from my body. – January 2006

In the grand scheme of things, there's no reasoning with someone who plans on digesting you once they get their mitts on your tender brain. No peace treaty. No utopian society. Not even a head start. – January 2006

I pay top dollar for my scares, which it why I own two Limp Bizkit albums. – January 2006

We must have new neighbors. – January 2006

Now, think of me what you will, but as far as I'm concerned, 67+ minutes of conjugal bliss is a ridonkulously long amount of time. Me? I need a power nap after I pay the bills, for God's sake, and now I have to contend with my standing theory that Sting is my new neighbor. – January 2006

It's brave to hit the world head-on, and refuse to live by anyone's rules. I thought I was doing that as a teenager, but I value structure far too much to be an anarchist. Anarchy is a pipe dream; Communism is where it's at. – January 2006

I'll be enjoying Martin Luther King Jr. day by liberating my alarm clock from the oppression of waking me at 6am, and not leaving the house. – January 2006

Unless you're handicapped or some kinda jerkass, you have to work for a living. – January 2006

I had much bigger plans for myself than to become an Exam Administrator. I feel bad that somewhere out in the workforce, there sits a guy who's only goal in life was to work with state codes and statutes pertaining to professional regulation, and I'm not appreciating it nearly as much as he would. It's not fair to either of us. – January 2006

Do you honestly think that Babe Winkleman likes Bass fishing every day of his life? Not even millions of dollars, Blu-Blocker sunglasses and that sweet beard can keep a guy happy day-in and day-out, especially when he's coming home to his family reeking of dead fish and about 10 bottles of Blatz. – January 2006

Freshly dumped by my girlfriend, I did what any teenager with dignity would do. I took my shirt off, put on some cut-off shorts, cried and mowed lawns all day. – January 2006

We lived on a street full of duplexes, next to a Hmong family of about 29, and a sad, single woman who used to watch me when I went rollerblading. Once, one of the Hmong girls broke her arm in front of my place. Before the ambulance got there, I took a good look at it and it was shaped like the letter 'S'. I almost threw up. Another time, I was selling pizzas for school, and I knocked on the sad single woman's door. She answered wearing a towel, and I thought it was the coolest thing I had ever seen up to that point. Way better than the broken arm. – January 2006

My Dad was known for making borderline illegal business decisions, and hiring his 16 year old son to bartend seemed to be one of those choices. In fact, there's no 'borderline' about it. I took in next to nothing in tips, despite being the youngest bartender in the nation. – January 2006

I lived on a steady diet of candy bars, Mountain Dew and microwavable hamburgers until I was 20. – January 2006

During college, sometimes I went to classes. Sometimes, I slept until noon and never wore pants. Sometimes I went to classes without pants. – January 2006

I blew a ton of interviews before getting the formula down right. One particular interview had me sitting bleary-eyed and delirious in front of a room full of suits. They asked me what my biggest flaw was, and I scoffed and murmured, "Modesty." They got my ass outta there pretty quick. – January 2006

We had a big Medical Board hearing at work several months ago in the matter of a Doctor who sexually abused patients and colleagues. He was also an honest-to-God midget. When I got to work, there were protesters and news crews everywhere, waving signs and blocking the doorway. After the hearing was over, the midget in question was drowning in microphones and lawyers, and he started freaking the hell out. He was pushing people around and shouting obscenities. Some days here are better than others. – January 2006

I give FOX credit for taking chances with groundbreaking shows. However, other networks are catching on, and FOX is starting to look washed up amongst the heavier hitters. What was once an edgy and hip network is looking long in the tooth and cranky, throwing cats at you from their front porch. – January 2006

As always, here are links to all of the CDP’s Lost Friday posts. They'll put hair on your chest. Unless you're a girl, in which case they will gently wax your upper lip and bikini line – January 2006

My Dad is an avid hunter, fisherman and trapper, and liked to tinker with experimental baits and lures in his shed. He succeeded in creating what is generally known in these parts as the most foul and wreched scent ever bottled. ‘Gutbuster’ was the name of a trapping lure he concocted, consisting of a special blend of God-only knows what. When you opened a bottle of this stuff, a puff of smoke would escape from the top. Many of these lure brainstorming sessions ended with my Dad running from his shed and throwing up. This was a lot funnier than I can really explain. – January 2006

I seriously need to consider writing an autobiography. Not like that silly 'Unofficial Fan' one that Tiger Beat ran in 2002. Much of what they said was taken entirely out of context. – January 2006

My sister checks out the CDP frequently, but never posts, apparently because Chuck Norris jokes and the word 'oot' don't really attract that '14-19 female' demographic that MySpace seems to have cornered. We both strive to be ultimately ignored and forgotten, so it's viewed by many as a poor career choice for us to become a model and an internet phenomenon. I bet Salinger doesn’t have a blog. – January 2006

Sound off in the comments section, and praise me for creating 400 little slices of joy.

TOMORROW: POST #400 - PART IV.

Comments:
You're seriously wasting a whole week on this? All the time you spent compiling these quotes would have been much better spent writing something real. This 'clip show' crap just isn't cutting it. Yeah, some of these quotes are good. But they were good the first time I read them.
 
A) Yes, I'm 'wasting' a week on this. I get a kick out of it, and it allows me to work on new material while still updating the page daily. What a novel little idea.

B) It didn't take me too long to compile all the quotes, and whenever I got tired of it, I went back to working on 'real' posts. What a novel little idea.

C) Sorry that the 'clip show crap just isn't cutting it.' May I suggest any of a billion other blogs to entertain you until the week is out? What a novel little idea.

D) You're right, some of the quotes 'were good the first time you read them.' Therefore, it makes no sense for you to read them again if they bore you. What a novel little idea.

I was actually thinking about deleting your comment due to its blatantly callous, rude and unwarranted nature. However, I'd rather leave it up for people to take notice of your stunning dickitude.

What a novel little idea.
 
That's kind of my schtick here: Being a jerk, "whining" about HTML code.

Apparently you can't take my asshole criticism, so I'll try to lay off. But it's not so easy when you're sending the "dickitude" right back.
 
Yes, please lay off the 'asshole criticism,' becuse I'm obviously not confident or secure enough to 'take it' properly. It really bothers me for some absurd reason.
 
"Assole criticism"
Sadly enough, that made me laugh almost as loud as the post, especially after it was repeated multiple times.
 
It creates a vivid mental picture, I'll tell you that much.

I have a dialogue in my head of two people going back and forth about the pros and cons of their respective asses; none of which I can print here.
 
On a lighter note, I was assigned at work to make copies of a complaint that a guy from Cottage Grove filed in Civil Court against Nine Inch Nails. Apparently, the guitar player from NIN threw a metal mic-stand into the audience, it "conked" the guy on the head, and he was knocked out cold. He is seeking punitive damages.

Boy, that concert must have REALLY sucked if he felt it was necessary to file a lawsuit to get his money back...
 
Woh, Blogger is all messed up and the background to your page is white. It looks all like newgroup retro...
 
I seem to recall a Limp Bizkit concert awhile back where half the audience sued to get their ticket costs back. Furthermore, why would you throw a mic stand at the only guy attending your show? Bad business, if you axe me.

My page is looking news-groupie for a bit; TypePad is experiencing some issues. I really need to go through the motions to start my own independent page, and stop suckling on the withered Blogger/TypePad teat.
 
From TypePad:

"We're currently experiencing degraded performance in the TypePad application. We're working to resolve this as quickly as possible."

I feel naked.
 
Play it off like you did it on purpose. People will think you're a trendsetter.
 
There is something neat about it in an old-skool sort of way, but I'd much rather it be white-on-black instead of black-on-white.

Reading a page at night with a white background is like staring at a light bulb. I took this into mind when I tinkered with the 2006 CDP Template (patent pending).
 

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