Tuesday, July 11

Stop The Bleeding. (Post #400 - Part II.)

Post #400 - Part II.

Another day, another thick batch of quotes from the last 200 CDP posts. You're welcome.

(Part II contains quotes collected from September 2005 to November 2005.)

I'm throwing a party at my house in honor of the occasion, and you're not invited. In fact, it's so exclusive, I'm not even invited. – September 2005

You can tell that I go to a very high-class salon by the capri pants and flip-flops that my stylist is wearing. – September 2005

For my money, nothing is more depressing than an airport. Everyone there is either saying hello or goodbye to someone, they're always crying and are usually holding a sad novelty mylar balloon. – September 2005

You can tell if a concert venue is Christian by the floor. If they have carpeting, it’s Christian. – September 2005

Friends, family and work will do nothing but get between you and your precious television, so don't let them tell you otherwise. Protect and nurture your television. After all, look at all the wonderful things it has done for you. The moon landing, Lee Harvey Oswald, Cop Rock. It's your only true friend, and it will never leave you for another. Keep it dusted and shiny, free of fingerprints and CBS. Love your TV like it loves you, and never let it go, not even for a second. – September 2005

Kick off your Thursday night by not checking out the new season of The O.C. If you want action, romance and plot-twists galore, then I strongly recommend not watching this huge FOX hit. Last season left us with a lot of cliff-hangers, so not watching the premiere is certainly a must. If you want to catch up, I suggest you not purchase the DVDs. – September 2005

When I was younger, I was voted "Most Likely to Host SNL One Day." This will probably never happen, but I was admittedly a lot funnier in the 4th Grade. – September 2005

Ty Pennington is contractually obligated to take his shirt off every week on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Watch as him and his crew of whining crybabies build an amazingly beautiful home for someone who will be dead in six months anyway. – September 2005

Ask a Cheap-Ass Pirate is a column designed to increase awareness of the Pirate lifestyle, in addition to promoting responsible spending and living within one's means. Ask A Cheap-Ass Pirate began when marauding roves of pillagers began to go hungry and poor after burying, and naturally forgetting where they placed their stolen treasure. Eventually, it was voted upon that an advice column devoted to slim living was the most optimum way to continue their horrid escapades. Those who chose to vote against this option had molten gold poured down their throats. – September 2005

It was then that I saw the largest horsefly I had ever seen. He was clinging to the low ceiling, focusing on me with his 90-some odd eyes, and humming like a massage chair. – September 2005

I wound up and took a mighty swing at the horsefly, whiffing entirely and colliding with my applesauce on the backswing. – September 2005

Fantasia Barrino winning American Idol was nothing short of an American tragedy. She sounds like a mouse with emphysema, and looks worse. – October 2005

Are you hungry? You look hungry. Here, sit down for a second and let me make you some french toast. What? Nonsense, you have plenty of time. Well, if your friends can’t wait five minutes for you, then those aren’t friends that you want to have, dear. How can you wear a t-shirt in this weather? You’re making me cold just looking at you. Here, wear Grandpa’s old sweater while you eat. Balderdash, you’re freezing! Look at you, shivering like a leaf. There you go; don’t you feel better now? Grandma loves you! – October 2005

Starting today, the CDP is launching "Lost Friday," which will be a place to dissect and discuss Lost as the weeks roll along. Every Friday, the CDP will put up a new post devoted to the latest episode. – October 2005

Autumn was kind of a crappy week this year. – October 2005

Now, I'm not a baby when it comes to the Dentist. I wore braces for 29 years, so I know a thing or two about mouth pain at the hands of a rich asian man. – October 2005

At one point, she was scraping my teeth so hard that her hand was shaking. Something that takes that much effort to extract from someone's mouth is probably something that should be left in. I was spraying blood like a geyser. – October 2005

So, to Patricia at Midwest Dental in Madison; you suck at your job. Find something better to do that doesn't result in your clients gargling warm salt water all night. Learn to operate with a steadier hand, or start taking Parkinson's medication. I hate you. – October 2005

I think the big Halloween thing in the mid-80's was the California Raisins, so there were a lot of kids in purple-face, wearing garbage bags stuffed with newspaper. This was not only sad and lazy on the part of the parents, but also a tad racist. I never quite jived with the thought of 4 overweight prunes donning sunglasses and singing soul tunes. Maybe I'm just sensitive; after all, it was the most successful marketing campaign in fruit and vegetable history. – October 2005

So, furious, sad, heartbroken and humiliated beyond my wildest dreams, I was forced to get in line with my friends and respected quad-partners, and parade this obscene costume in front of every single person in the school, grades K through 8. – October 2005

I learned a valuable lesson that day, at the tenderest of ages. Life is hard. Nothing should be taken for granted. If you think that everything's going to go well, that's going to be your first of many mistakes. Billie Jo Armstrong says, "Don't pat yourself on the back, you might break your spine." Well, on Halloween of 1987, I gave myself a Christopher Reeve-style thrashing.- October 2005

Most birds I've come into contact with over the last 23 years have done nothing but screech and break skin, but Jade made me love winged creatures again. I would have bought him had he not been a $900 "specialty" bird. What this specialty was (plumbing or electronics, I believe) I still have to figure out. – October 2005

I really enjoy the comments section. They allow me to connect with the fans, the friends and the common man. They give me a chance to prove to everyone that I'm just like them, and not placed high upon some unreachable celebrity pedestal. Sure, I live in the coolest city in the nation, I'm married to a smoking hot woman and my cats are top-notch, but I'm still quite humble. – November 2005

Last night I went to bed at quarter to 10 and slept straight through to 6:30. I think it had something to do with the entire plate of Alfredo Portabello Ravioli I washed down with a pint of Caramel Cone ice cream. It's going to be a long day. – November 2005

Immediately following the 2004 Presidential Election, I had what friends and loved-ones would remember as a “freak-out of embarrassing proportions.” The phone was shut off, the CDP went on hiatus and I wore nothing but black to work. I shut the television off; sat down, and thought about all the work I had gone through over the last few months to ensure that what happened… didn’t happen. It was a huge feeling of failure and deflation, like when I got kicked off of the golf team in High School because I was failing Geometry. I sucked and everyone knew it. – November 2005

You'd be absolutely amazed at how much work goes into something as simple as this cartoon. Try creating a few of them, and you'll drive yourself insane. You'll try to remember what life was like before you had to make a joke every fourth line of a conversation. – November 2005

When cats get a UTI, it hurts too much to pee in the litter box, so they try to find a smooth, cool surface, like the tub (I've been known to do this on occasion when the toilet gets too repetitive for me). – November 2005

To me, the mall is like High School with cash registers. Everyone is better looking than you, everyone has more money than you, everyone is more in tune to what's popular at the moment, and everyone's in your way. – November 2005

Now, I know for a fact that Caucasians like video games. I'm absolutely sure of it. However, every single time I step into a local arcade, I'm instantly surrounded by men of all ethnicities but mine, sporting shaved heads, impossibly baggy clothing and 8 year old girlfriends. Even though I know for a fact that I won't play anything at the arcade, I always seem to find myself insind of one every time I go to the mall. I consider it a carry-over from my childhood. Something always tells me that I'll find something fun to do in there, even though I never, EVER do. It always ends with me playing a game of Tekken 3 with some Hmong kid that destroys me in a 4 second barrage of button mashing. Well, that was a blast. I specifically don't carry change on me anymore just so I don't feel tempted to enter arcades at the age of 23. Especially after I found out that I enjoy Dance Dance Revolution. – November 2005

When it comes to men's shirts, I'm a size small. On a bet, go looking for a shirt in a size small that's not the gayest thing you've ever seen. I dare you. People wonder why I wear nothing but black t-shirts and goofy sweaters. It's all I can find! – November 2005

Don't buy stuff from kiosks. They are of poor quality and they are being sold by pushy foreigners who are on the run from the law. – November 2005

Starbucks? Are you serious? What year is this? When at the mall, go to Gloria Jeans. They're the coffee shoppe on the other side of the mall that's going out of business because of Starbucks. They have a better selection, they are cheaper and the store smells really good. Besides, caffeine is no longer hip. Meth is making a huge comeback, so hop on that train while you still can. – November 2005

I could count up all the things I've purchased at Sears on a one-fingered guy's hand. – November 2005

If you've ever felt suicidal, but needed that one last push to justify your actions, look no further than your local food court. – November 2005

Speaking of which, I've been very happy with the traffic this month, and I wish there was something I could do to thank each and every eight of you (zing!). Last year, I told people that I would send them all a dollar, but I didn't feel like breaking a five (zong!). But seriously folks, thanks for hanging out here. If it weren't for you, I would have gotten an actual writing job years ago (zoing!). – November 2005

You didn't teach me to love and cherish the world. Instead, you chose to mock it right along with me. You let go of my hand only when you stop to point and laugh at someone who deserves it. You're cruel and sinister. Sarcastic and razor-sharp. Your standards are so high, nobody could ever meet them. Everyone lets you down, and nobody is worth trusting. You're just like me. – November 2005

You know, there comes a time in every man's life where he gets raging drunk and ruins his wife's birthday party. – November 2005

Sound off in the comments section, and praise me for creating 400 little slices of joy.

TOMORROW: POST #400 - PART III.

Comments:
Kent: "Ladies and gentlemen- er, we've just lost the picture, but, uh, what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair Spacecraft has been taken over -- "conquered", if you will -- by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men, or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain, there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here.

(Kent switches to camera two.)

And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
 
Did I miss something?
 
No, your son's just a nerd.
 
The best part of all of this is that these are taken entirely out of context since I just started following the CDP. If I were a more motivated man, I would search back on the especially funny ones in the archives. Sadly, I am not such a man.
 
I selected certain ones for the sole purpose of taking them out of context, thereby raising the "Huh?" Factor.

I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say this was all encouragement to dig in the archives for the entire posts, but I probably wouldn't do it, either.
 

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