Friday, July 14

Sweet Release. (Post #400 - Part V.)

Post #400 - Part IV.

The end is here. Enjoy the final batch of quotes from the CDP's last 200 posts. Yes, I used the mannequin picture again.

(Part V contains quotes collected from April 2006 to July 2006.)

I have successfully ingested an entire pouch of Big League Chew, and chewed the entire works for over a minute before choking on the baseball-sized gob and spitting it out. I consider myself the only person on the planet who has done this and survived. – April 2006

This page tends to take me away from longer projects, like action-adventure screenplays and car commercials, because of its instant gratification and submission to the rest of the world. When you can write 1000 words on Chuck Norris and talk to people about it for the rest of the day, it's a lot more fun than doing 10 pages a day on an awful script that nobody will critique and discard for months. – April 2006

For as private and lonely as I want to be, I sure spend a lot of time telling people about it. – April 2006

Picking out the laptop was by far the most annoying aspect. We first talked to a 14-year-old, on commission, wearing wingtips, who was honest-to-God named 'Rad.' Rad basically told us that what we were looking at was trash, and unless we spent well over $1,400 on the model that was made from Unicorn ivory and Goblin fur, I'd most certainly slash my wrists with a broken Coke bottle after using it for a week. – April 2006

Whenever I wandered any more than 3 feet from the Missus, she would be swarmed by male salesmen who natually assumed that she had no idea what she was looking for. These misogynistic turds lined up all the way back to the appliance section to willingly blow smoke up her ass about computers she knew far more about than them. I thought the chauvinistic stereotype died with car salesman 30 years ago, but they honestly thought that she would gladly write a hefty check to any tall guy that smelled nice and explained to her what a processor did. Good luck, kids. – April 2006

With the completion of this post, you will officially know about every single interesting thing that has ever happened to me, and I shall retire from personal blogging forever. For the rest of my days, I'll choose to talk about TV shows and celebrities. Or, failing that, what celebrities from TV shows are wearing. – April 2006

You should abandon even your closest friends and colleagues if it offers you even the slightest chance of seeing a bra. – April 2006

The internet might have been new at the time when it came to the globalization of information and commerce, but since day one, it was always a worldwide pornography and prostitution ring. Let it be known that I was there for the Glory Days. – April 2006

I bled like Ryan White in a Golden Gloves tournament, and that was the single meanest thing I've ever said on this page. – April 2006

Kenny Rogers is a stone-cold dick. – April 2006

Watch in horror as television shows and pointless gossip slowly monopolize every day of the week here at the CDP! Forget about witty reflections and nostalgia! Do away with humorous essays and sarcastic wordplay! Take everything you used to appreciate about me and cram it up yer' chute, because I'm selling out to the lowest common denominator, and you're coming with! – April 2006

I might miss my neighbors. Some nights, I'm sure I'll lie awake and wonder if they'll ever have kids. I'll wonder if they still love each other with the intensity and vigor of the first year of marriage. I'll wonder if she ever figured out how to shut the hell up every once in a while. Seriously, he could have just been bashing her skull with a bat and I wouldn't have known the difference. – April 2006

Sometimes, the best friendships are the ones you make with people who don't know you exist. – April 2006

If Chris Daughtry and Katharine McPhee hooked up and got pregnant, they could just put a microphone up to her protruding belly, and the fetus would win next year's Idol. – April 2006

This is the Missus' car. Well, at least it used to be. Allow me to explain. – April 2006

I should have known better than to prepare the Fugu myself. – April 2006

10 minutes later, she drove me to the emergency room. We took her car, and I threw up four times on the way; once into her air conditioning vent by accident. Long after I'm gone, she'll think of me every time she turns on the heat. – April 2006

I walked into the Spring Homecoming dance alone, but I was planning on leaving a man. – April 2006

This night also predated my 5-year stint with braces, mind you, so my teeth looked as if they were retreating from the front of my mouth, turning inward and making a beeline for my uvula. – April 2006

She giggled and brushed against my blazer, her eyes lighting up like a Christmas tree as I continued to lie through my crooked teeth. I was definitely on to something. I could see a very short, awkward and dishonest future with her, and I was okay with that. – April 2006

In the fifth grade, I accidentally wore my mom's blouse to school in what would be remembered as a tragic laundry mix-up of epic proportions. Since then, most people, teachers especially, looked at me a little cockeyed. In addition to that, my best friend all through middle school was a bona fide homosexual, so the deck has always been stacked against me when it came to being taken seriously as a man. – April 2006

The 30 feet between us might as well have been a black hole full of pudding and sharks; there was no way I could muster the balls to approach someone like her for no good reason. – April 2006

Vinny put his hands on my shoulders and looked me square in the eye. He only did that to me when he had something very important to say, or when he was about to knee me in the testicles. I got into the habit of bracing for impact no matter what. – April 2006

Such men we were, daring each other to ask women to dance. I couldn't believe we hadn't already been scooped up by some bikini sorority cult. – April 2006

Her boyfriend looked fresh from the pages of a J. Crew catalog, and I secretly wondered how I could find his address so I could mail him half of a cat. Half of his cat. I bet he smelled like Polo and had a closet full of rugby shirts with popped collars, each one sexier than the last. – April 2006

The night was half over and I was still alone; mouth reeking with the familiar, sour taste of rejection and failure. It tastes sort of like an old penny, or a 9-volt battery doused in mustard and poop. – April 2006

The me that I am now hates the me that I used to be, but the old me had no choice but to continue being me until I became the me you know now. – April 2006

We got to know each other a little more after spending a few long nights together in her bedroom, meticulously dipping newspaper in slop and constructing what could be considered the most terrifying clown pinata ever viewed. Candy or not, this thing was going to scare the hell out of some Mexican children. – April 2006

The first thing that I noticed about Charlotte- or the first thing that anyone with eyes noticed about her that night- was the fact that she was wearing a massive, white neck brace. Her beautiful blue dress sparkled at every angle, her hair was expertly tossed and curled, her makeup was applied with wild teenage precision, and it was all overshadowed by the foam device wrapped tightly around her neck like a medically prescribed scarf. She was also crying. Hard. – April 2006

I had a lifetime of experience dealing with women in this situation, and I knew that she was on a rebound so fresh that it was still flopping around on the plate. – April 2006

Even if you hate the concept of American Idol, you should tune in at least once to see the glory that is McPhee. – April 2006

What Lost does best is flaunting with overt supernatural and sci-fi elements, but pretending not to under the guise of characters that want to believe in logic. In essence, the show is about faith, the human condition and random acts of sweatiness. – April 2006

She laughed and smiled, and I could only assume she understood the head-shakingly brilliant irony of this night. After everything the two of us did to make our evening perfect, here we were at 2am, in what was one of the least-classy places in the city, sporting $300 outfits and wishing we were anywhere else. Hours ago, we were strangers; now we were allies. – May 2006

I fully expected a wrecking ball to collide with the back of my head in microseconds, transforming my skull into malt powder. – May 2006

For my money, there's nothing sexier than getting to first base next to an injured woman in the midst of an emotional breakdown. – May 2006

I told her how I need to accept the role I chose to play, because it was what made me content, for better or worse. I told her that as much as people need a sympathetic ear, I need to get my attention and acceptance as well, and this was the best way to make myself happy. I told her that her suffering probably made my night, because it allowed me to feel important and mend wounds I had no business tending to in the first place. I told her that no matter what I became, I was still operating on selfish and egotistical morals. I told her that I was an asshole that deserved everything I had coming to me tonight, and she was better off never seeing me again. – May 2006

For the second time tonight, we pulled into my driveway. This time, however, I had to pop the trunk to get out. – May 2006

On a night like this, I very much needed a girl like her to come along. A train wreck of a girl so gruesome that the only thing that could save her from destruction was the complete and undivided attention of someone more sad than herself. – May 2006

At the time, I hadn't gone grocery shopping in approximately eight months and was beginning to eat things I found in the windowsills. – May 2006

Usually it was Taco Bell that got my business late at night, but tonight I was in the mood for a lawn bag full of french fries, handed to me by someone who spoke english. – May 2006

I swear to God, if you kids don't cut out the horseplay, I'll pull right the hell over and beat you to death with my travel mug. If you stay quiet for ten minutes, I'll let you smell my fingers after I fill up the car. – May 2006

Emo hair is the new mullet, kids. Get off the train before they start making fun of you in beer commercials. I got a haircut and dye job yesterday, and I look so rad that both my cats instantly went into heat. Rolling about and mewing and whatnot. – May 2006

Get out of my Blog. – May 2006

Searches for 'Katharine McPhee naked' skyrocketed on my page, and frankly, I don't care where my traffic comes from as long as they make the counter go up. Word of advice though, she ain't naked on the internet. You're not going to find it. Ever. I know you're in a lot of pain and whatnot, but you're just going to have to move on for the time being. At least give her ample time for her career to take a nosedive, then see what you can dig up. – May 2006

This episode is Eko-centric. Expect rampant cornrows and general bad-assery throughout. – May 2006

You know, when it comes to Lost, I do my homework. I lurk on the boards. I spoil myself silly. I send locks of hair to Terry O'Quinn in the hopes he'll fashion some sort of crude wig out of it and sport it at the Emmys. So, even though I had an inkling as to what was going down this week, I was still floored. When I say 'floored,' I mean 'left with soggy pants.' Later on in the evening, whilst ringing myself out over the sink and trimming off generous portions of hair, I came to the realization that I might have a serious disorder. Quickly blaming the uneasy feeling on the three-pound bag of M&M's I ate earlier, I placed the hair (and pants) into an envelope, addressed it to ABC and had the best sleep of my life. – May 2006

Monkey knife fight particle board, permeating through my glass-thick lungs, sinking deeper into the Twister board of defeat and struggling jocks. Out of the darkness, a man emerges with the fury of a thousand treats, raising my honor over his head and barking loudly as if to say, "I love you!" – May 2006

My first pulled groin came at the hands of the Missus. When we first started going out, back in 2000 or so, we were wrestling on my bed, which was the custom at the time. Out of nowhere, she thought it would be funny to clutch my right leg and wrap it around my neck like a scarf. Trust me, she could if she wanted to, but my inner thigh snapped like a rubber band before she had the chance. It took weeks to heal; every step felt like I was getting a white-hot branding iron to my tender areas. I've pulled it about three times since then, and it doesn't get any easier to find a quiet place to cry all the time. – May 2006

Despite Elvis Presley being one of the biggest thieves of black music to ever walk the earth, you can't argue with results! Here's to you, you peanut butter and banana sandwich eating, television shooting turd. – May 2006

I don't blink when Lost is on; I've built myself a Clockwork Orange-style device, and my wife is kind enough to keep my eyes lubricated. – May 2006

I could have kidnapped Katharine McPhee weeks ago, but no- I wanted her to become a worldwide star, and not just a star in the secret room in my crawl space. – May 2006

I'm writing a crime drama/buddy comedy that stars Sun and a Proboscis monkey named Moon. They will work together in Hawaii, solving crimes and teasing us every week with their 'will they or won't they?' flirting. Working title: 'Sun and Moon.' – May 2006

Speaking of Taylor Hicks, I have a secret for you. He says 'Soul Patrol' three times after every performance, sometimes even interrupting the judges to do it. As someone who has OCD, I can spot that crap from a mile away. Taylor doesn't say it because he wants to, he says it because he thinks his parents will die in a fire if he doesn't. – May 2006

As Satan excused himself, I went back into the kitchen and sliced up cubes of Provolone cheese. After a minute I heard a flush, but Satan didn't emerge. That was followed by another flush, and then another. Then silence for what seemed like forever. Finally, I heard the unmistakable gurgling sound of the Prince of Darkness trying feverishly to plunge my clogged toilet. After more trial and error, he came out, looking sheepish and embarrassed. – June 2006

To this day, MST3K is constantly mentioned as one of the biggest and best Cult Television shows of all time, behind only Star Trek, which as we all know, sucks. – June 2006

You know, if the dinosaurs would have just sat down and talked about their differences like rational beasts, they might still be around today. Hell, we might have even had a Brontosaurus as President. – June 2006

Morally, I no longer place humans above animals in the dominant chain. This is either because I've grown to love and appreciate animals more, or my disdain for human life is growing stronger. Show me a cow that's minding his or her own business, and I'll show you something that's not bothering me. – June 2006

The treatments, business and sanitation procedures involved in the process of getting a hamburger to my plate is about as corrupted as a stream of Barry Bonds' urine, and I refuse to be a part of it. – June 2006

I always find it funny when I see some punk or anti-establishment person smoking a cigarette. Here's this person who refuses to be a cog in the corporate machine, yet he's puffing on a product manufactured by one of the largest and most vile conglomerates on the planet. In my opinion, you might as well be wearing Nike shoes and spooning with Sam Walton's corpse, because you're an idiot. – June 2006

Whenever there's a story where a domesticated animal dies, people put more emotional stock into it than if it were a human life. Meanwhile, millions of other animals are being fed to the woodchipper without so much as a whimper from the dog and cat loving Americans. It’s ignorance on a whole new level. – June 2006

That being said, don't obey the food groups. Anything institutionalized by the government in the 50's and never updated cannot possibly be what's best for you. – June 2006

If you took all the farmland that was being used to simply house the cows we eat, we could grow enough vegetables and crops there to feed almost everyone on the damn planet. Imagine that. If you truly want Bono to shut up once and for all, stop eating beef. – June 2006

Also, Tofu sucks. Whoever started the smear campaign that said vegetarians only eat tofu and rice was an ass. – June 2006

It should be noted that I'm in no way calling meat-eaters idiots. It's when you start mocking non-meat-eaters when you start looking foolish. In fact, whenever you start mocking anything you don't understand, you run the risk of exposing yourself as a fraud. – June 2006

You know, there comes a time in every man's life when he just has to slow down and feed the deer. – June 2006

You have to get out of the house and do something as a couple at least once every two weeks. It's best to do something collaborative, where you can put your heads together and work as a team. For this, we usually head out to a small border town and kidnap a stranger. We don't kill them or anything, we just scare the whiz out of them and dump them off at a bus station. Just try to keep from making out after an adrenaline rush like that. – June 2006

True, we have canine teeth. We also have an appendix, a tailbone, a ring finger and a lot of other crap I never use. Just because we have the bombs doesn't mean we have to drop them, and just because you have sharp teeth doesn't mean you have to use them to tear through beef 24/7. I sometimes use them to open CD's. CD's by vegan rock bands. – June 2006

Wide-eyed, with a skilled and steady hand, I proceeded to peel off my skin like an honest-to-goodness sock, producing two snake-like sheddings, each about a foot long. It took me about a half-hour, and they were absolutely beautiful. I held these giant hunks of flesh up for inspection, and everything suddenly became well worth the wait. – June 2006

I had a dream the other night that I was walking alone through a crowded mall. The overhead speakers were blasting the song "Love Shack" by The B-52's, and everyone was dancing and singing to beat the band. Everywhere I looked, customers and patrons were shaking their asses while pushing strollers, sucking down Orange Julius' and carrying armloads of bags. It appeared as if they were all having a great time. – June 2006

Yeah, I've got nothing today. – June 2006

I'm whiter than the inside of Robin Williams' nostrils. – July 2006

Ever since I first listened to Weezer's Pinkerton, I've been fascinated with the culture that is modern-day Tokyo. Of course, now that I'm married, my list of things I want to do there has gotten significantly smaller and more legal. – July 2006

Day in and day out, our conscience does its best to keep us in line. It whispers things in our ears like, "Stay on the right side of the road" and "Don't touch that boy at the bus stop; you don't know him." Some days it whispers louder than others, but it's kept me out of jail thus far, so I'm content with it. – July 2006

Sound off in the comments section, and praise me for creating 400 little slices of joy.

Thanks to those who sifted through all 250 of these, and got inspired to dig around in the archives again. The CDP will return to the business of getting down on Monday.

MONDAY: The CDP Slips A Disc.

Another excellent year.

Love, Wife

Man, I'm averaging over 200 posts a year. That's revolting.

Meanwhile, that Maddox dude does about four a year, and he's on the bestseller list. Cruel, cruel world.
Hey its about quantity not quality right?

Wait, I mean the other way around. What were we talking about?
Congratulations by the way on a fantastic 2nd year. You have mad cut and paste skills. A regular force to be reckoned with.
Thank you, sir. The obsessive-compulsive in me insists on recapping things for the sake of closure. It makes me feel better afterwards, and forces me to write new stuff.

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