Sunday, September 10

CDP Top 30 Posts Of All Time - #19.

CDP Top 30 Posts Of All Time - #19
"Razor Burn."
(Originally published 12-11-05.)

I was having a discussion with a co-worker about beards the other day (who am I kidding, I was talking to myself over my lunch break). We (I) came to the conclusion that there were really only 10 good reasons for growing facial hair of any kind. I thought I could take a moment to explain these to you, in a segment I'm calling:

Know Your Beards.

You may be wondering to yourself, "Only 10 good reasons for growing a beard and/or moustache? You're sky-high on the meth!" Truth is that I am sky-high (on life), but I'm still right. Let's get started.

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Beard #1 - The Winter Beard.

The Winter beard could be considered the most important type of beard, because it actually serves a purpose. In this case, a thick layer of fur is grown in order to survive the bitterly cold elements, traditionally used in the Midwest and Canada. Winter beards serve no fashionable purpose, although these hunters and lumberjacks did receive a lot of unwanted company when grunge was big. (See: Shackleton, Hemmingway, Red Green)

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Beard #2 - The Beard Of Shame.

The Beard of Shame usually surfaces on men after a breakup or divorce. This is due in part to the combination of reclaiming one's manhood mixed with the crippling depression of a hardcore dumping. The wearer of the beard thinks that they are making an independent statement with said beard, but appear even more dejected and alone than if they had just shaved in the first place. (See: Any recently-dumped man with enough testosterone to grow facial hair, Ben Affleck)

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Beard #3 - The First Beard.

When a young man starts to notice hair growing in places that it previously didn't, he gets scared and excited. This presents the youth with the first of many puberty-related decisions. To shave or not to shave? To start showering more than once a month or risk losing friends?

Usually, young men allow their facial hair to grow until a friend makes fun of them, or until they work up the nerve to ask their Fathers to teach them how to shave. (See: Any and every Middle and High School in the nation, women who can't help it if their hormones are messed up)

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Beard #4 - The Emo Beard.

The blazer, the scarf, the black-framed glasses and the scruffy beard. This is the emo look for winter, and the man in the picture has it down pat. Emo beards exist as another way for men to impress women, this time to appear even sadder and more world-weary than while smooth-faced. The illusion of the Emo beard is to convince people you do something other than read People magazine and eat Kix all day. (See: 41% of all male college students, that one kid on the High School drama club that turned out to be gay anyways)

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Beard #5 - The Molester Beard.

While this is technically a moustache (the moustache of former Green Bay Packers coach Mike Holmgren, to be exact), the Molester beard is a tricky one. In this case, the facial hair exists to assume some sort of dominance over whoever it is you would like to intimidate. On the bright side, molesters can be spotted from miles away while they sport these things; it's like a tracking device that they don't even know they're wearing. (See: Domineering fathers, men on trial for sexual harassment, priests and Mormon dads)

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Beard #6 - The Funny Beard.

Woo-hoo! It is so awesome to have a beard! The Funny beard is a personal favorite, in that it turns the wearer of the beard into a willing punchline for a social joke. People who sport funny beards do so because they know it's funny, making them funny as well. Funny beards don't normally look good, but that's the point. In doing this, the Funny beard makes fun of those who sport serious beards. (See: My Name Is Earl, Salvador Dali, Benjamin Jenkel, I hope)

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Beard #7 - The Youth Minister Beard.

This is funny because it's true. I did a Google Image Search for "Youth Minister" and up popped 15 pages of guys with this goatee. Most youth Ministers are really nice guys who try to spread their message while remaining open and hip with today's youth. I don't know why they think the goatee is a good way to do this, but I guess it's up to them. Other youth Ministers shave their heads to draw more attention to the goatee, making them look like they should be the frontman for a Christian ska band. (See: Your local youth Minister, the O.C. Supertones)

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Beard #8 - The Porn Star Beard.

I knew better than to go looking for pictures of porn stars with moustaches, so I'm putting up a picture of this old-timey guy instead. This is a staple of the adult film industry, most notably in the 70's, but even going as far back as when this guy was alive. Come to think of it, he probably is a porn star. I wonder what his stage name was. Mine is "Jasper Sauby." (See: The roped-off section in the back of Family Video)

(Note: If you don't know how to figure out your Porn Star name, take the name of your first pet and combine it with the street that you grew up on. Again, I'm Jasper Sauby.)

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Beard #9 - The Spite Beard.

I believe that the spite beard was invented by yours truly. In fact, that's me in the photo, straight rocking the phase one beard (phase two to never follow). A Spite beard is grown for the sole purpose of showing your significant other that you are still in charge of your body, and can do whatever you want. It's like a married version of the Beard of Shame. In my case, the Missus forbid me from growing one, so I unplugged the razor and let it grow for a week. In a radical display of reverse psychology, she took a shining to it, which frightened me and caused the subsequent shaving of it. She won again, mainly because she's smarter than me and knows what's best for my well-being. It was still a cool beard, though. (See: Me)

(Note: It should be noted that I consider my beard to be a combination of every beard on the countdown. It's diverse like that.)

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Beard #10 - Alex Trebek

If you're Alex Trebek, you can do whatever the hell you want, and still rule. 'Nuff said. (See: Alex Trebek)

I hope you learned something today; I know I did. Sound off in the comments section, and tell me what your favorite beard is, along with your porn star name.

I like the five-days-of-stubble look (see: Sawyer and Jack; LOST) but other than that I'm totally anti-facial hair.

(Not that anyone cares, but I wanted you to know I stopped by so I had to say something.)
(Oh, and I'm not tellin' you my porn star name because everyone I ever did tell made fun of me 'til the end of time. Parents really should be more careful what they name family pets. And what street they choose to live on for that matter.)
Thanks for stopping by!

The Missus is pretty anti-facial hair too, but I got away with a wicked looking chinstrap during this vacation that I'm dying to show everyone. I look Amish, it's that good.

Gosh, after that Porn Star Name buildup, I can't think of anything else other than what your name could be. You should have just said nothing; now I'll be losing sleep over it.

As a kid, I was Jasper Sauby. As an adult, I'm Gabriel Hunter.
And now I really can't tell you my Porn Star Name, because it'll never live up to the hype.

But at one point in my adult life I would have been Muffin First.
Wow. You look a little evil in your pic. As they say, "Evil beard is as evil beard does."

Yeah. They say that.

(new post up at my site, BTW)

(Yeah. I'm pimping that. What are you gonna do...sic your beard on me?)
"Sandy Bottomridge" which sounds more like a painful romp on the beach that anything.

While in general I dislike beards on guys, there are definitely some guys who were just born to wear beards.

My dad has a mustache. My mom has a picture/drawing up on the wall that says "Kissing a man without a mustache is like eating an egg without salt." Everyday, it made me throw up a little.

Oh, and Alex Trebek should have never shaved his 'stache.
What a coincidence. The Missus made me get rid of that beard because it was 'too evil.'

Yeah. She said that.

By the by, I proudly support your Cavalcade of Whimsy. Being in the CDP Network gives you free range to pimp your page 24/7. I'm that awesome.

Those are some great Porn Star names. (It is at this point where I should be making a joke about how 'Muffin First' would make a better name for a porn film than a porn star, but that would be far too dirty for this page.)

I want that 'Egg Without Salt' picture for my house. Now.
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I was going to repost and fix my mistake, but ... I think I'll just pretend that I posted my porn star name and thought better of it instead.
"Kissing a man without a mustache is like eating an egg without salt."

I can honestly say I've never put salt on an egg before...maybe that's why I hate mustaches.

My porn star name would be Brandy Second if you go by first pet and first residence. If you go by first pet/first residence in SP, I'd be Tinker Linnerud. Now THAT is hot.

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