Thursday, December 21

We've Just Got Two Words For You.

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If I could make it any clearer that I'm burned out and depressed without having to hang myself in my bathroom by the elastic in my boxers, I most certainly would. I want Sweeps (aka-this year) to be over even more than you do, so I can be once again funny and creative in 2007. It's going to rule. I have so many things lined up, I make Tony Robbins look like a life-support patient.

Now that's motivation.


'Tis the season to be burned out, my friend.

Which is why I only celebrate Beer-mas. I love Beer-mas, because it is a month long festival, and I currently have spread the love to 3 states that are hosting Beer-mas trees. There is no pressure, no coveting, no one-up-manship. Only the love for Beer.

Also, I have beer can on the Beer-mas tree that have been hung by Christiasn, Muslims, and Atheists alike. Maybe one day I'll recruit a Jew and some Satanists.
If you're looking for a Jew & a Satanist, you could give my old principal, Mr. Witasek, a call. That's two birds with one stone!

Grey skies are gunna clear up, put on a happy face.
FYI: Link's not working. Something about NBC requesting the user take it down.

P.S. the CDP is the most generous communist organization in all of the land! Thank you very publicly for your generous donation to my polar plunge!
Stupid NBC!!!!!!!!! Just when the CDP was about to spread some holiday cheer, they have to get all poopy about copyright infringement...
Since 2004, the CDP has donated over $450 to various charities, including Planned Parenthood, HospiceCare, The Dane County Humane Society and (now) The Special Olympics. I do this because I somehow believe it will keep me out of hell.

Seriously though, something happened to me yesterday that sort of destroyed my fragile mental stability, and I needed to do something to heal it.

There's this guy that lives in Madison, and I hire him from time to time to do work for me. Because of the nature of my job, I rely on many people to make sure that exams are properly administered throughout the state of Wisconsin. If it wasn't for the hard work of the freelance people I hire, I'd be fired on the spot. They make me look like a genius.

Anyways, last week, I was talking to this gentleman about future work, and he asked me if there were any full-time positions available in my department. He informed me that the part-time work he does for me is his only source of income, due to a lengthy recovery from a disability that cost him his last job.

I was honest with him, and told him that I had no additional work for him. Above that, I told him that working full-time for the State requires a lot of hoops that could take a year to jump through. He understood, shook my hand and headed home for the day.

After years of wondering what employment power felt like, I got a taste, and it was horrible. Having someone twice my age beg me for a job ("answering phones, opening mail, anything!") was about as pleasing as running over a cat, and I wished out loud that there was something I could do for him.

An hour later, I left the office for the day. As I was walking out to my car, I saw him, standing by the bus stop, waiting to go home. It was probably 10 degrees that day.

I proceeded to go home and watch The Simpsons on my flat-screen TV, order a pizza and watch YouTube videos on my new iMac. I felt like the biggest douchebag alive, and I thought about setting the house on fire as a way to cleanse myself for years of wasteful and pointless behavior.

Instead, I wired some money to the Special Olympics, in exchange to see my friend Kendra jump into a frozen lake.

I feel more at peace with myself than I have all week.
Well, luckily they didn't get the link down before I saw it, I've got the box all prepared.

The real question is, should I give it to her at her family Christmas or mine?
Both. It's the gift that keeps on giving!
I agree. With all the $ I spend on beers, donating cash here and there to tip the grand karmic scale ever so slightly in my favor is the least I can do...because not only am I a booze hound, I'm also a corporate salesman.

There's a special place in hell for me.
You know, it is the gift that keeps on giving. It also occurs to me that I can give it to multiple people!

Maybe I'll hand out presents at my oyster roast tomorrow night...
Holy ess! JT just put me over the edge! (Thank you thank you thank you.) Now I've officially raised enough to actually plunge! ($75 is the minumum amount in order to do so.)

This is the best day of my life. I'm in love with you all.
It's all about Karma, my good man. The universe is a big teeter-totter, and I don't want to be on the end that gets catapulted naked through space.

Big props on donating, too. Rawk.

Glad to help, Kenny. Please don't die out there; I mean it.
Thanks, CDP, I now have a new way I want to die: Being catapulted naked through space. Except not completely naked, I think I should wear some type of funny hat, and perhaps a bowtie.

Yeah, I figured I would donate cash to an actual non-profit, instead of my usual donations to the JT Fund for Furthering Liver Damage (JTFFLD).
"Because Organ Transplants Ain't Tax Deductable!"
Didn't I just say the other day that when I died I wanted my corpse sent into orbit wearing a funny hat???? Too funny!

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