Monday, December 4

Worst Album Covers Of All Time - Part Deux.

Here now, the CDP's second collection of the Worst Album Covers of All Time.

What better way to kick off Sweeps Month than with a revisiting of one of the most popular posts in CDP history? I did what I could to dig deep this time around, and hopefully come up with a few albums that haven't already been mocked to death on the millions of other lists in the Blogosphere. My hope is that you'll see some albums today that you've never seen before.

To check out the largest collection of Bad Album Covers on the web, visit this link. As always, there are some bad album covers on the Internet that range from PG-13 to downright filthy, so they have been omitted from the CDP's list for obvious reasons. Away we go.

Fire Down Under.
#15 - Riot - "Fire Down Under."

First and foremost, a name like 'Fire Down Under' conjures up images of a one night stand aftermath, NOT Earth-shattering rawk. Furthermore, nothing says 'Riot' like an indecipherable image of a Seal/Cat/Snow Owl with the body of an exceedingly pink human being.

What Does It Sound Like? - Apocalyptic Australian Snow Owl-Metal.

Stuffparty 2.
#14 - Larz Kristerz - "Stuffparty 2."

I'm of the opinion that Larz Kristerz is the 350 pound, cross-eyed man in the middle of this shot. I see no other reason why the others would let him into the band otherwise.

What Does It Sound Like? - Village People Kraut Rock.

Supernature.
#13 - Cerrone - "Supernature."

Hmmm.

You know how annoying it is when someone tries to explain a dream to you? This is exactly what Cerrone is trying to do on the cover of 'Supernature.' His producer tried to talk him out of this career-ending folly, but Cerrone's clearly not a man to be messed with. His 85-pound frame makes you think twice before questioning his decisions.

What Does It Sound Like? - Sex-Morgue Rock.

Let Me Touch Him.
#12 - The Ministers Quartet - "Let Me Touch Him."

Telling Minister/Pedophile jokes are like shooting fish in a barrel. In this case, it's more like shooting barrels in a barrel factory. Either these men are trying to lift up their hearts to the Lord, or they're simply trying to plead their case to Him.

What Does It Sound Like? - Barbershop-Sex Offender/4-Part Harmonies.

Christian Crusaders.
#11 - Christian Crusaders (w/Al Davis.)

Show me a band that has a fat guy, midget and female corpse in it, and I'll show you a band that I want to see live. Man, those are the most ill-fitting pants I have ever seen.

What Does It Sound Like? - Christian-Militant Rock (eg. Rage Against The Machine.)

Bad Reputation.
#10 - The Ritchie Family - "Bad Reputation."

Here are three things that the Ritchie Family enjoys, based on viewing this cover:

1. White guys that are ripped on 'roids.
2. Leather.
3. Dogs.

I can't argue with that, although I want to mention that they don't scare me. The bulges on a couple of those guys, however, will keep me up for the next week.

What Does It Sound Like? - Disco-Bulge.

Swing That Gospel Axe.
#9 - Butch Yelton & Upbound - "Swing That Gospel Axe."

This album cover struck me as funny because those guys are clearly about to brutally murder that unsuspecting woman. There's nothing funnier than an ironic last-known photograph.

What Does It Sound Like? - Axe Gospel; Murder Folk.

Burn This Town.
#8 - Battleaxe - "Burn This Town."

This is what happens when you get your drinking buddy to design your cover art for you. No matter what he comes up with, there's no way you'll be able to be honest with him. Furthermore, I feel bad for Mr. Axe, having to pose for this photo for 4 hours, sitting on his motorcycle in his garage. He's the least-intimidating metal artist since Grim Reaper.

What Does It Sound Like? - Emo; Dashboard Confessional.

Satan Has Been Paralyzed.
#7 - David Ingles - "Satan Has Been Paralyzed."

This just goes to show you. Don't emulate Professional Wrestling moves in your backyard, no matter if you're the Prince of Darkness or not. Even so, Satan is still not my most-hated quadriplegic (see Christopher Reeve).

What Does It Sound Like? - Piano; Spoken Word. Dabbing sweat off of brows with a silk cloth.

Reborn.
#6 - Orion - "Reborn."

This cover made me laugh harder than any other one I found while compiling this list. There's something very heroic about a man standing proudly over his own casket, whilst wearing a cape and Elton-John glasses.

What Does It Sound Like? - Elvis; Liberace. Casket-Rock.

Stronger Than Evil.
#5 - Heavy Load - "Stronger Than Evil."

Johan Helm had some serious balls, taking credit for this illustration in the lower-right hand corner. The look on the man's face is less than one of fear-invoking and ruthless aggression. In fact, it looks like he looked up at the camera just long enough to get his picture taken, which of course, he didn't want.

Stronger Than Evil? There's a sword-wielding man standing over a pile of slaughtered bodies, and you're preaching the nature of good over evil?

What Does It Sound Like? - Confusing Double-Talk Rock.

Tijuana Picnic.
#4 - Colonel Sanders' Tijuana Picnic.

Bill Hicks once said, "I stopped taking drugs, because once you've been taken aboard a UFO, it's kind of hard to top that." This is how I felt when I saw this album cover. I don't need drugs, because I'll never see anything more surreal. Why Tijuana?

What Does It Sound Like? - Mexican Chicken Folk.

Trouble Over Bridgewater.
#3 - Trevor Crozier - "Trouble Over Bridgewater."

Nice haircut, Trevor. This takes the coveted prize of "Sweatiest Album Cover Ever." I could go on, but you should really be spending this time taking in the stale odor of cigarettes and Meister Brau hat this record emits.

What Does It Sound Like? - Fart-Cloud Folk.

Superman.
#2 - Alla Pugatjova - "Superman (Every Night And Every Day.)"

Oh my. Copyright infringement ahoy!

Furthermore, if you're Superman, why do you need to hitch a ride on the back of a dune buggy, being driven by your Mother? Same goes for the glasses; you don't need those!

What Does It Sound Like? - Smooth Funk.

Tell The Bible Classics - Volume III.
#1 - Dan Betzer & Louie - "Tell The Bible Classics: Volume III."

Let me just start out by saying that ventriloquism doesn't translate very well onto vinyl. Sort of ruins the magic, you know?

Forget it, I'm done here. This is the strangest thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Eraserhead.

What Does It Sound Like? - Biblical Spoken Word; Being Dragged Through the Slimiest Pits of Hell.

NEXT TIME: CDP POST #500!

Comments:
Some friends made commercials for a Doritos contest. If they win, their commercial gets aired during the Super Bowl...I think they've got a chance:

Apartment Disturbance
Pullover
 
Those are really quite good! Where did they get so many chips?
 
They probably just bought them. Or maybe they have some Doritos hook up.
 
Those commercials are awesome.

Also, bravo on the Colonel Sanders album.
 
Doesnt' the guy with the axe in Butch Yelton looks like Ted's friend Chris?
 
This comment has been removed by the author.
 
The Riot LP is better than any albums that are classified as «good» on your blog. You can laugh all you want at the cover, you should listen to the record and shut up.
 
Hamburger is correct about the Riot album. It is very good. However, I don't think any band has ever produced worse album covers over their entire career. Ah well.

Secondly, my father owned that Col. Sanders album and let me tell ya... it is worse than it looks.
 

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