Friday, May 12

Lost Friday - "?"

Lost Friday?
Season Two - Episode 21: "?"

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

Seriously, you have got to be straight-up yanking me. How in God's name did the Lost writers keep this episode so under wraps? How did the plotline of the Pearl Station stay a complete secret until Wednesday night? How many pills do I have to take to stop the fever dreams? I want some damn answers, Damon Lindleof, and I want them now. Don't make me ask you again.

I love this show more than toast, but I think we need some time apart. We're finishing each other's sentences and everything. With just one more episode between us and the merciful Season Two finale, I'm shaking my head wondering how they are going to explain the Hatch quandry in just 3 more hours of television. The writers claim they are 'closing the book on the hatch' this year, as well as offering us an explanation as to why Oceanic 815 went down. While this sounds like nothing short of a sweet release for fans after months of speculation, I still can't help but wonder if they will succeed in corking our cry-holes.

Cork this, loser. It's skinny time.

The Skinny (from Wikipedia):
(Heavily edited by yours truly. Apparently, a lot of Lost fans are incapable of writing anything even vaguely resembling a review.)

Don't wake me.
(My dream come true; Ana Lucia shot in the heart.)

ON THE ISLAND, YO:

We see Mr. Eko chopping wood on the beach, continuing to build his church. Ana-Lucia shows up, and asks him what he is building. Eko explains and claims that the idea of a church came from a dream. Ana-Lucia responds, "A dream like this one?" Eko then notices that Ana-Lucia is bleeding from the stomach and out of her mouth. She tells Eko, "You need to help John." Eko then finds himself in the Swan, with his dead brother Yemi sitting at the computer. Yemi tells him that Locke has lost his way, and that Eko needs Locke to take him to "the question mark." He also tells him to bring the axe. The room starts to violently shake and the hatch timer's numbers are replaced with question marks. Eko wakes up hyperventilating.

Cough it up.
(Jack catches Libby eating ballpoint pens again.)


Locke, Sawyer, Kate, and Jack are seen moving through the jungle, as Michael stumbles out of the hatch, claiming that he had been shot by a person unknown to him. Eko appears out of the nowhere and offers his help. Sawyer discovers that Ana-Lucia and Libby have been injured by gun wounds. Kate checks Ana-Lucia for a pulse and tells Jack that she is dead. Libby, however, coughs up a mouthful of blood, and Jack rushes to treat her. She quickly enters into a state of shock. Michael is clearly worried that Libby will be able to explain to the others what really happened. Jack insists that they go after Henry's trail, as he only left half an hour earlier. Sawyer argues that Jack remain and treat to Libby's condition.

Man of science, man of ass-kicking.
("Locke, if I catch you littering one more time, I'm shoving my axe right up your can.")

Eko offers to track down Henry Gale, with the assistance of Locke. However, Eko leads Locke on a random path, making no effort to pick up a trail that Henry would have left. Locke is disgruntled and prepares to head back. Eko then asks Locke to take him to the 'question mark.' When Locke refuses, Eko headbutts Locke, knocking him unconscious. After further interrogation, Locke shows Eko the diagram he drew from memory of the question mark. Eko then tells Locke that they will go to the question mark, stating that Ana-Lucia told them in his dream to find it. Locke responds with a look of skepticism, to which Eko asks him, "Have you ever followed a dream?" Later, as the two are arguing about symbols on the map, Eko steps on a Virgin Mary statue, and the two stumble before the burned plane with the heroin smugglers.

They took my son!
("WAAAALLLLLT!")

In the hatch, Michael asks if Libby had said anything. Jack says that she is still unconscious and is suffering. He then asks Sawyer to fetch the heroin, and orders Kate to accompany him so that she may find where Sawyer stowed all the guns and other belongings. Sawyer leads Kate back to his tent, and to Kate's surprise, he hid his belongings underneath the tent. After they walk out of the tent, Hurley approachs them and asks if they had seen Libby.


I can't get no satisfaction.
(Just another day at Whitney Houston's place.)

Later, when Locke is sleeping, Yemi appears before Eko and directs him to climb the cliff. Upon reaching the top, Yemi tells Locke to wake up, and in terror, he loses his grip of the cliff and falls. Locke is shown waking up, showing the audience that it was him who had this dream. Eko tells Locke that the priest he saw was his brother. Locke stated that Yemi wanted him to follow. He then looks up the cliff, and Eko proceeds to start the climb. Half-way through his climb, he is seen struggling, which leaves Locke anxious. However, he successfully makes it to the top. Locke calls to him and asks him if he has found anything. After finding a rugged green-covered landscape, he replies that he did not find anything. When Eko looks down, he discovers the question mark marked in the soil.

Yarrr! It be some sort of treasure map!
(The map is in plane sight! Whoooo!)

Upon further investigation, he found that the soil was salted, which prevents growth and was thus done on purpose. Eko then picks the ground with his axe, and discovers a hatch buried underneath the plane. They break open and enter the hatch below, which appears to have electrical power. They enter a room with several television screens, one of which Locke turns on, showing a live surveillance feed from the Swan.

I can never get any reception in the hatch.
(This is exactly what my den looks like.)

Locke finds another computer terminal with a command prompt: >: PRINT LOG? Y/N. Locke inputs Y, and a dot-matrix printer is heard in the background, spitting out an ominous string of numbers and commands.

Eko discovers another Orientation video tape, and Dr. Marvin Candle (Dr. Mark Wickman) instructs his audience on the role of station five (nicknamed the Pearl). Their task is to monitor from a psychological perspective the daily actions of the participants in the other stations, who simply understand that their job is of the upmost importance. The film ends with a copyright notice that is dated 1980. Eko asks Locke if he would like to watch the film again, and Locke declines, stating that he has "seen enough."


Hatch TV.
("See it all, live on the Hatch Kitchen Channel!")

Eko gathers the reports, stating they may be important, and that the work Locke has done is now more important than ever. Locke scoffs and calls it a joke. Locke resents having been subject to a psychological experiment, and becomes furious when he disputes Eko's claim that they were "meant to push the button." However, Eko's faith is resolved and he states that he will continue to push the button, no matter what Locke's faith may say.

At the Swan, Hurley requests to speak to Libby. In her dying breath, she says 'Michael,' with a look of terror in her eyes. Sawyer is shown comforting a sobbing Kate. Jack and Hurley bow their heads in disbelief. The episode ends with Michael in the vault, with an ominous look on his face. The warning alarm also sounds, and the camera zooms into the command prompt.


IN FLASHBACKS, YO:

In the first flashback, Eko is seen in the confessional, speaking to a man who claimed to have committed adultery, but has really forged an Australian passport for Eko to enter the United States. Another priest comes to inform Eko that a miracle has happened: A woman claimed that her child drowned in a river and resurrected the day after, and she wanted to tell the world the news. Eko declines to be concerned with this matter, as he does not believe the Woman, to which the priest responds, "Why do you think I chose you?"

Later, Eko is seen interviewing a medical examiner about his account of the "miracle" that happened. The examiner informs a skeptical Mr. Eko, that the girl was resurrected during the autopsy, and provides a chilling audio tape as supporting evidence. When Eko goes to visit the woman who reported this miracle, he finds her stone-eyed daughter on the porch. The mother comes out and informs him that it is not an appropriate time for him to visit. Richard (Claire's psychic) comes out and orders her to go back inside, and tells Eko that the whole incident was a misunderstanding. He claims that his wife knows that his psychic services are a fraud, and was attempting to "spite" him. Eko then tells him that he will report that the incident was not a miracle. As he leaves, he sees the daughter staring at him from the window.


Eko? More like Psycho.
("Locke, stop making that face. You're freaking me out.")

Later, in another flashback, we see Eko at the airport preparing to board the doomed flight. He sees the girl again, who approaches him and tells him that when she was "between places" she saw his brother, Yemi. Yemi asked her to tell Eko that he has faith in him. Eko is upset by this and raises his voice to the girl, which prompts Libby to approach them and ask if everything is okay.


Well, there you go. I hope that all made sense to you, because I didn't understand a word of it. That was pretty much all I could do to edit it, because it looked more or less like Engrish when I snagged it. I'd write the reviews myself, but nobody reads them and I don't really care. Make with the numbers!

The Numbers:

Screw up much?
("Sawyer, we didn't just step into a time warp, did we?")

4 - I wanted to mention this right away; did anyone else notice the huge continuity error with the day/night switch? In one cut, Eko and Locke are in the darkness, ready to call it a night. In what appeared to be a instant cut to the beach, Sawyer and Kate are walking in the sunlight. If anyone else noticed this or can offer an explanation, I'll send you a CDP t-shirt (shirts don't exist yet).

Normally, I'm not so critical of nerd-tastic errors in TV shows, but this was sort of crucial to the plot, and I want to know if there was a reason for it. Sometimes I miss things, but not very often. I don't blink when Lost is on; I've built myself a Clockwork Orange-style device, and my wife is kind enough to keep my eyes lubricated.

8 - We, the audience, know that Michael is lying, but will the castaways ever find out? Initially, we all thought that Libby would spill the beans before she went to the big psych ward in the sky, but to no avail.

In the previews for next week's episode, we see Sayid questioning Michael's story, leading us to believe that holes will start to emerge. After all, how will Michael explain how Henry did it? He chewed through the ropes, escaped from a vault locked from the outside, snatched a gun from someone who was sitting down and shot three people? I mean, these people are kind of thick, but they aren't that dumb. Are they?

Of course, if the Pearl Station was still tape recording stuff, then Michael's murders would be on camera. More on that later (that's called a 'teaser').

Charlotte's nuts.
(Yeah, she's 16 years old. 16 years older than me, maybe.)

15 - There were some interesting flashbacks this week, mainly showing us the facts surrounding Eko's faith and beliefs. What happened between him and Charlotte shook him up, rearranging his morals a bit. I especially liked the tape recording of Charlotte waking up on the autopsy table. That's just flat-out funny.

I also liked watching Locke go back and forth in agreeing with Eko's judgment. He really wants to believe that this was his destiny, but he's obviously seen enough at this point. Will something happen before the season's over that pushes Locke over the edge? I'll tell you this; before the season ends, we'll find out what happens when the button's not pushed. My theory is that everyone gets a hundred dollars and a plane ticket home.

Do you know Claire?
(Here we see the psychic hiding 34 acorns in his jaw.)

16 - We also got another look at Claire's psychic, who lets it slip to Eko that he's a fraud. He probably is a fraud, but does that also include what he had said to Claire? I mean, he said he didn't want her money, and went to great lengths to bother her into getting on Flight 815. It would also seem that the Claire situation happened around the same time as the Charlotte situation. This means nothing to me, I'm just throwing things out at this point.

I'm sorry I forgot the omelettes!
(Insert food-related joke here.)

23 - On a more mellow note, this was probably the saddest episode yet. Watching Kate lose it, as well as seeing Sawyer soften up to her was a serious drop in both of their guards. What really got me though, was Hurley's bedside monologue. His 'I'm sorry I forgot the blankets!' breakdown was seriously depressing, as the same exact thing happened to me no less than a year ago. I'm feeling you, Hurley.

42 - Okay, let's talk about all this Pearl Hatch business, damn it.

Dr. Markin Candlewick.
("Hello, I'm Dr. Markvin Candlewick.")

The most logical (and easiest) way for me to do this is by just throwing out all the facts and theories I can think of, and having you all everybody sort them out. Here we go:

a) In the Orientation tape for the Pearl station, Dr. Marvin Candle refers to himself as Dr. Mark Wickman (or Wickmund). People have speculated that this is a play on words, and a clue that he is located in the area of the map known as 'The Flame.' My opinion is that Candle's trying to find a socially acceptable way to come out of the closet in 1980. Stay strong, brother.

b) Both Orientation films were copyrighted in 1980. The Swan film has a very serious and scientific manner to it, while the Pearl film has a more relaxed feel. Candle's even wearing a blazer. Oooh!

c) In the Pearl film, Candle's hand is NOT prosthetic. This means that either the prosthetic arm was used to throw off the inhabitants of the Swan hatch (making them think that 'the incident' cost Candle his arm), or he lost his arm in between the filming of the two videos (highly unlikely). Or maybe, just maybe, he never had a fake arm, and the writers were messing with us.

d) By taking both Orientation films at face value, one would determine that the idea was to scare the Swan hatch inhabitants into thinking that what they were doing was very scientific and important. On the other side of the coin, the Pearl hatch inhabitants were lead to believe that they were 'in on the joke,' so to speak, and monitored the lab rats accordingly.

Much like you all pretend to like the CDP, specifically so I continue to make an ass of myself day after day.

e) In true Lost fashion, however, there might be some other options abound. First off, the Pearl station might be the real psychological experiement, getting people to monitor workers and jot endless thoughts into a notebook. The Pearl hatch was monitored by camera too, so the inhabitants are also being watched. Perhaps they caught on to the game and abandoned ship.

I wonder where the notebooks go through the pneumatic tube, if anywhere. In suit, the Swan hatch might be a legitmate electromagnetic study facility. Or, they're both psychological experiements pitted against each other, and I would need to change my shorts.

f) If both Orientation videos were made in 1980, why would one be on VHS and the other on film? Well, magnets destroy analog tape, for one. Speaking as a sound engineer, I'm pretty certain that magnets would destroy film just as easy, but don't quote me on that. Same goes for the hard drive in the computer. Perhaps we shouldn't think about it too much.

Station 5 of 6.
(Station 5- "The Pearl" is located inside of Station 6- "The Clam.")

g) Do the cameras have the ability to record what they capture? If so, they might have captured Michael's double murder and Henry-busting-outing. However, if they could record everything, making people watch the footage non-stop would be unnecessary unless it was all a test.

Keep in mind that the Swan hatch does have electromagnetic capabilities, and there are far too many weird things going on to call the entire Dharma Initiative a wash. This would support the theory that Eko is right, and the Swan hatch really is something important.

This is a bunch of crap. I work a full-time job, I can't have these kinds of problems on my conscience.

h) There were about 9 TV screens in the Pearl hatch. One theory is that it was capable of watching all of the other stations on the island, and there is only power left in the Swan hatch (makes sense). Another theory is that all of the cameras are in the Swan hatch to avoid blind spots (also makes sense). Yet another theory states that you need a degree just to discuss this show with friends. Finally, my theory is that you lose all your friends once you start watching Lost.

i) I think we now know why the original maker of the Swan hatch map chose to use the format they did. During lockdown, the Swan station is powered down, which means that the cameras might not be able to function. This would be the perfect time to pass sensitive information along without getting caught, by putting clues on a door that's hidden 99% of the time. Good looking out, random person!

108 minutes.
(Ahh, dot matrix, is there anything you can't do?)

j) What was all this business in the Orientation film about Ferrys taking subjects back to their 'barracks' and 'quarters?' If true, this could have huge ramifications for the castaways. I mean, this could prove that there is another island close by in which the leaders of Dharma are monitoring. Perhaps we saw this ferry in the Season One finale. Either way, it's proof that there is a way off the island. Maybe Dharma owns a nice all-inclusive resort on the shore.

k) The log that was printed in the Pearl Hatch will answer a boatload of questions about the Swan Hatch. First off, all the numbers on the printout were in increments of 108 minutes, simply determining if the button had been pressed or not ('accepted').

Therefore, by looking back to when Henry supposedly didn't press the button, Locke could find out if he was telling the truth or not. Of course, it would appear that Locke has made his mind up about the hatch already, but his proof positive will be on this printout.

Let's not forget that the printout might also show the conversation that Michael had with Walt. It's a good thing that Eko's bringing all this stuff back with him. He's a good person, I will let him live.

Got that all figured out by now? Good, let's move on to next week.

The Preview:
Episode 22 - "Three Minutes."

Three Minutes.
(Zeke's beard challenged Chuck Norris' beard to a duel. There were no survivors.)

4 - The episode is Michael-centric. Just wanted to let you know, in case you're an idiot.

8 - Press release reads: "A determined Michael convinces Jack and several castaways to help him rescue Walt from 'The Others.' Meanwhile, Charlie struggles with Eko's decision to discontinue building the church." We will see Walt, Zeke and Alex in this episode. Expect to see a delightful flashback scene where Walt tries on Zeke's beard.

15 - This is the episode where we find out why Michael's off his nut. Expect to see the rest of the Michael/Walt chat log, as well as an introduction to the Others camp, which may or may not be complete bull rip. We see Zeke sporting his 'grizzled old prospector' costume, and the Others living in tents. I was told there was a deleted scene that featured Michael and Zeke getting drunk together and singing karaoke, but my sources are unreliable.

Three Minutes.
(Surrounded by white men, Michael is reminded of his vacation to Alabama.)

16 - This should be a lot like 'Maternity Leave,' in that we'll see different aspects of the lifestyles of the Others viewed through the eyes of someone who's more confused than we are. As long as it's less confusing than that last sentence, we'll all be fine.

23 - According to Damon Lindleof: "We'll see the resolution of the Michael-Walt story. We're going to answer the question of where Michael has been and resolve the story of him and Walt. The physical growth of Walt will be addressed in the 3rd season. We'll learn more about Dharma."

Thanks, Damon. You're an inspiration to our entire organization.

Three Minutes.
("AAAAAALEX!")

42 - Back in real-time, Eko and Locke will continue to bicker over destiny, while the castaways try to comprehend Michael's stories. I also assume they will have to mop up the hatch a tad.

As always, here are links to all the Lost Fridays you know and tolerate. Love them while you can, for one day you will die. Send fan/hate mail to communistdance@yahoo.com, and start the conversation in the comments section. I'm spent; was it good for you, baby?

SEASON TWO - EPISODE 20 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - CLIP SHOW EDITION
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 19 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 18 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 17 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - TEMPORARY EDITION
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 16 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 8
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 7
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 15 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 14 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 13 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 6
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 12 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 11 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 10 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 5
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 4
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 3
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 9 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 8 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 7 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 6 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 2
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 5 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 4 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 3 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 1 REVIEW
SEASON TWO PREVIEW

Thursday, May 11

Katharine McPhee Watch - Volume 9.

Katharine McPhee and 2 losers.

92,000 people auditioned for American Idol this year.

There are now 3 singers left, and Katharine McPhee is one of them.

Just thought you might want to know. Here are some quick thoughts:

It must have been nice to dig through the hefty Elvis Presley catalog; it's almost impossible to find a bad song in there. Despite him being one of the biggest thieves of black music to ever walk the earth, you can't argue with results! Here's to you, you peanut butter and banana sandwich eating, television shooting turd.

The night belonged to Elliott Yamin, hands down. His underdog persona and swelling fanbase are propelling him into stardom. Apart from that, he really is the best male singer in the contest. His second song was amazing; probably the best we've seen from him. Also, I'm pleased by the decision to keep putting him in suits. The backstage crew has found something that works for him, and by God, they're keeping it that way.

Taylor Hicks was about as solid as he always is, but the act is wearing thin despite being the top vote-getter every damn week. I honestly don't know where all the votes are coming from. I mean, I like him and all, but...come on. 'Jailhouse Rock?' Taylor's probably going to end up winning this thing, and I just don't know if he deserves it more than the others. I will say this, though; he was wearing one sweet suit.

Chris Daughtry doesn't need to win this contest to be a star; in fact, it's almost better that he didn't win. Artistic freedom and image are sacrificed when you sign on the dotted line; he's better off without it. Just ask Kelly Clarkson. Or me. It was a shame and all, but none of these three will do better than him without actually winning the show.

Katharine McPhee really chunked the first song, and when Elliott nailed song #2, I figured she would be a goner come Wednesday night. She has an amazing voice, she just consistently picks songs that refuse to show it off. Apart from that, I don't think she can hear herself in the monitors very well. She's always looking around like a speaker blew or something. Either that, or she's constantly worried that her dress will just explode off of her.

In conclusion, I'm sort of glad that things went the way they did. I think that by losing Chris, Katharine has a very good chance of making the finals. Don't ask me why; it's just a hunch I have. Me and the Missus are both in agreement that an Elliott/Taylor finale' will be the best and saddest AI final ever, in that we both feel sorry for them for some weird reason.

Enough of this crap. Lost Friday is tomorrow. Bring asprin, it's going to be massive.

TOMORROW: LOST FRIDAY.

Wednesday, May 10

Grammar Enema.

Smash That TV...Smash It Good!
(Here are four items of note. Enjoy as needed. Repeat.)

1. What I'm Proud Of Is Disgusting.

The next time you're bored, just start typing without any pauses for 30 seconds. Spew out anything and everything that comes to your mind, no matter how surreal or senseless. It's a purifying ritual; sort of like a grammar enema. It also gives you a nice idea of what's going on in the deepest recesses of your head. Permit me to demonstrate.

Monkey knife fight particle board, permeating through my glass-thick lungs, sinking deeper into the Twister board of defeat and struggling jocks. Out of the darkness, a man emerges with the fury of a thousand treats, raising my honor over his head and barking loudly as if to say, "I love you!"

See? That's all kinds of messed up. Come to think of it, this is how a lot of Spam e-mails look. I may be on to something lucrative. Anyways, try it. It's fun and not the least bit foolish.

2. A Bucket Of Balls.

I went to the driving range this weekend without a golfing glove, and I tore my hand to pieces. We're talking blisters, cuts and huge bruises here. On top of that, I have a pulled muscle in my stomach and my forearm muscles are completely shot. Finally, to add injury to injury, I think I'm one misstep from yet another pulled groin, which is something I don't wish on anyone but the President and perhaps Robin Williams. I feel like an old man; it takes everything I have to stand up and sit down, all because I didn't take five minutes to stretch properly. Let that be a lesson to you; I'm a pansy and I can't golf without hurting myself.

I'm trying to work golf more and more into my ever-growing list of things to get slightly better at (just above guitar playing and just below the alcoholism). I'm getting pretty decent on the driving range and I can putt with laser-precision and limited tantrums; we'll have to see how I do when I finally start hitting the courses again. I promise to bring my camera in which to document the predictable fall from grace.

If I may go off topic for a second, pulling your groin is just awful. I'm sure that some of you can already attest to this. What's more, once you pull your groin, it becomes easier and easier to do it again. Much like a broken nose, it never heals 100%, and everything you do with your pelvis from that point forward is susceptible to horrid pain and agony.

My first pulled groin came at the hands of the Missus (scandal!). When we first started going out, back in 2000 or so, we were wrestling on my bed, which was the custom at the time. Out of nowhere (and taking it way too far, which is her style), she thought it would be funny to clutch my right leg and wrap it around my neck like a scarf. Trust me, she could if she wanted to, but I screamed and pooped my pants before she had the chance. It took weeks to heal; every step felt like I was getting a white-hot branding iron to my tender areas. I've pulled it about three times since then, and it doesn't get any easier to find a quiet place to cry all the time. Be kind to your inner thighs.

3. The CDP Network: Live!

Here's what's going on elsewhere in the CDP Network:

Paste creates a new list of Chuck Norris facts; agruably the best of the bunch.

This Is My Exit drops a bomb of awesomeness. Radiation levels are still critical.

Sandbox Films snaps a blood feather and freaks out.

Brandon Tom talks David Blaine and American Idol. He updates almost as much as me.

Teaonnie has mea-ono.

Chaotic Ryan catches us up on all things metal sign-y in nature.

4. The Best Card Trick Ever.

Watching David Blaine on Monday reminded me of the greatest card trick I've ever pulled off. I was in the 7th grade, and I threw a party for all of my friends at my Grandma's house. Being the eager-to-please host, I handed out sodas and generous slices of pizza, telling jokes and performing magic tricks to the content crowd.

I was quite the magician in my time, as you would probably assume. It's been a while since I've busted out the playing cards, but I think I could still throw down with the best of them.

Anyways, in what would be my last trick of the night (you have to go out on a high note), I told my friend to pick a card out of the deck and show his friends. It was the three of hearts, and everyone made certain that I did not see it when he thrust it back into the deck. I began to do my little routine where I cracked wise while I did my slight of hand, but something went wrong about halfway through. I lost track of the three of hearts, and I knew that I had to abort the trick.

A little frustrated and embarrassed, I announced that I had to start the trick over, and had my friend shuffle the deck about six times. I then told him to pull out another card at random and once again show it to his friends.

When he pulled the card out, the room got really silent, jaws dropped and focused directly on me. "Woah, how did you do that?" he said.

"Do what?" I shot back, as he turned the card over to reveal the three of hearts. The bastard actually pulled the same card twice.

"Thank you and goodnight!" I said, snatching the cards and making a beeline for the door. This exit would have been far more dramatic had it not been my own house, as I had to quietly enter a little while later when nobody was looking.

THURSDAY - KATHARINE McPHEE WATCH.
(Will she make it to the semis?)

FRIDAY - LOST FRIDAY
(Oh, hell yes.)


Monday, May 8

50 More Random Facts About Chuck Norris.

So...we're still doing this?

Wait, is this still funny? Come on, you've got to be yanking me.

Here's the deal. I took today off of work, which means I took today off of the CDP, too. Sorry kids, them's the breaks. It's quite nice out, and the driving range is calling my name; I've got clubs and tees and everything.

My traffic the last few weeks has been through the roof, so it only makes sense that I do everything in my power to whiz the opportunity down my leg. What better way to celebrate my newfound attention than by making my page appear more out of touch than an episode of The 700 Club? That's right, there is no better way.

So, while I'm out shanking and hooking and whatnot, enjoy 50 more slices of an Internet Phenomenon pie that's so rotten and past its prime I didn't even bother to spell-check it. Actually, most of these are pretty funny, and hey, it's better than nothing, right?

Right?

1. Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.

2. Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.

3. Chuck Norris can kick start a car.

4. Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.

5. Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.

6. Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

7. Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident and still managed to walk it off.

8. Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.

9. Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

10. Chuck Norris CAN in fact, stop the beat.

11. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

12. Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

13. When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

14. Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

15. CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

16. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

17. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

18. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

19. Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

20. A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

21. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

22. Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

23. If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

24. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

25. Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

26. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

27. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

28. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendents are known today as Giraffes.

29. Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this would end the universe.

30. Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

31. Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

32. Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

33. Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

34. When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

35. Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

36. Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

37. The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

38. Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

39. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

40. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

41. Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

42. Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

43. For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

44. The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

45. He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris…dies.

46. Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

47. One time, I was with Chuck Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Chuck Norris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer.

48. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

49. Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing ‘Chuck Norris’ for every answer.

50. There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.


I'll be back with something original (read:better) in a day or two. Thanks for playing; sound off in the comments section.