Monday, November 6CDP Wayback Machine - Food Court Edition.
Once again, it's time to step into the CDP Wayback Machine. Please remove your shoes and wipe that dumbass grin off your face. Seriously, Frank. You're creeping me out and I won't ask again.
In the spirit of starting the Holiday season earlier and earlier every year, let's check out a CDP Classic from 1 year ago this week...
November 13, 2005 - "Let's Go To The Mall."
In current news, CDP Headquarters just received a huge box of merch which we will be giving away during our 3rd Annual CDP Sweeps Month this December. Stick around to find out how you can get your mitts on FREE CDP shirts, stickers, magnets, buttons and more! Otherwise, you can do it the non-loser way and order your goods from the CDP Webstore.
On Tuesday, Guitar Hero II is released, and you won't be hearing from me for quite some time. In fact, I should be grabbing my sleeping bag and heading to the nearest Best Buy, post-haste.
On Wednesday, you can say hello and have a beer with me at the High Noon Saloon in Madison, Wisconsin, where I will be a celebrity judge for the 2006 Funniest Comedian In Madison competition. The show starts at 7pm, and I should be arrested at around 9.
On Thursday, the CDP's brand new computer is being delivered. Please don't tell my mother, or anyone else for that matter. It's everything I've ever needed, at a price I can't quite afford.
A brand-new Lost Friday rounds out the week. Let's see how much of that Fark traffic sticks around; I got 5,000 hits in the last three days.
Before I head out today, me and the Missus were on national television for about 2 seconds last Friday. What was captured was a look of complete confusion on the Missus, and a typical moment of raw, unrestrained sexuality from yours truly. Let's go to the tape, shall we?
(I'm not too hard to spot.)
(If this isn't the funniest photo you've seen all day, you might want to consider not coming here anymore.)
Sound off in the comments section, and enjoy your Monday.
Friday, November 3Lost Friday - "The Cost Of Living."
Season 3 - Episode 5: "The Cost Of Living."
Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.
If you don't mind, I'd like you to answer a question for me. You know, my brain's not what it used to be, especially since I started hitting the inhalants and whatnot. Sometimes I confuse things that I've actually seen with things that I just made up. But for the life of me, I could have sworn that I saw the Goddamn Smoke Monster bash Eko to pieces against a tree. Surely, I made that all up. That didn't really happen, right?
The second-to-last episode before the mini-season finale delivered the goods when it came to surprises and further mystery. We got a brief glimpse at the sixth-and-final hatch (maybe), an even brief-er glimpse at the man inhabiting it, continued to ratchet the tension between Jack, Ben & Juliet and got a good-old-fashioned bludgeoning to top it off. If the second installment of the third season is anything like what's happened over the last 5 weeks, it's safe to say that we have absolutely no idea where this show is headed. Good or bad, it's your call.
I wrote The Skinny this week, so I'm changing its name to The Thick & Meaty.
THE THICK & MEATY.
(Written by the CDP, so don't skip it.)
(Just pretend that's Eko and not a stunt man. I dare you.)
Eko, still reeling from a combination hatch implosion/polar bear attack, starts to have visions about his dead brother, Yemi. Proving once again that Eko has superpowers*, he manages to set his tent on fire through the power of his mind. By the time that the castaways toddle over to extinguish the flames, Eko runs into the jungle, looking for his brother and a clean shirt.
*Expect Eko to show up on Heroes sometime next year.
The next day, Locke proposes an expedition to the Pearl Station, to see if there's a computer they can use to communicate with the Others (and perhaps to check Fark). They also realize that Eko is heading there as well, to locate the crashed Beechcraft with Yemi inside. Nikki and Paulo decide to come along, and nobody notices or cares, considering that they haven't even mentioned their names on the show at this point.
Somewhere, Jin puts his ear to Sun's tummy and grins.
In the Pearl station, Sayid and Desmond fiddle with the computer equipment, as Desmond isn't content with already surviving one massive electrical explosion. Sayid, who apparently worked for Charter Communications in Iraq, manages to get a live feed of the Flame Station*, the only hatch we haven't yet seen. Almost immediately, a man wearing an eye patch and DHARMA suit destroys the camera, while Nikki and Paulo wet themselves; their only real contribution to the show thus far.
*The Flame Station should not be confused with the Flamer Station. Where the Flame station is hot, the Flamer Station is SSSSSCORTCHING!
Meanwhile, above ground, Eko notices that Yemi's charred husk is nowhere to be found amongst the wreckage. Seeing another vision of his brother (which turns out to be the Smoke Monster, who can apparently manifest itself and feed entirely on redemption), Eko informs him that he doesn't apologize for the way he has lived his life. Yemi (Smoky) responds by hoisting Eko into the air and Sonny Bono-ing* him off of about 10 different trees.
*Don't send me e-mail; that was funny, and you know it.
Hearing the carnage, Locke and Sayid show up to find Eko dying. Before retiring to the Great Confessional in the Sky, Eko informs Locke that they will be the next to go. Locke responds by killing Nikki and Paulo out of spite and stealing what little food they brought along.
Back at Otherland, they gather for the funeral of Colleen. Afterwards, during the cake and ice cream social, Ben berates Juliet for showing Jack his spinal x-rays. Ben promises to make a deal with Jack if he successfully operate on him, while Juliet tries to convince Jack that Ben is a liar and the Others are desperate for a regime change. Jack, suddenly realizing his newfound position of power, demands that the Book Club be moved to the Hydra station so he can participate*.
*First book on the list? The Official Fan's Guide To 'Party Of Five.'
In flashbacks, we see Eko doing what he thinks is best, leading to a moment of clarity. Which, as we all know, is what we always see shortly before a cast member gets murdered. This is why Michael got to leave the island, because he lived a life of constantly making the worst possible decisions. Let that be a lesson to all the kids out there.
Perhaps I should write The Thick & Meaty more often. Makes me feel like a big man. Numbers!
(Written by the CDP. Read and enjoyed by you.)
(There's nothing scarier than a bad guy with poor depth perception.)
Because of the time constraints of doing Lost Friday, I've gotten into the habit of taking tiny notes during commercials concerning topics I want to discuss on here. Not only has this helped, but it has also sucked dry any entertainment value the show once had. I'm simply watching Lost as job now; may God have mercy on my pale and pathetic soul.
Here now, the exact transcribed notes I took on Wednesday night. Enjoy.
4 - Eko = Haunted by his past (of course). Bad-ass mo-fo.
8 - Ben's gotta tumor - Jack's gotta fix it. Should rip his spine out, Sub Zero-style.
15 - Back into the Pearl Station. What happened to Yemi's corpse? Paulo took a whiz.
16 - Who's telling the truth? Ben or Juliet? Is Jack gunna botch the surgery and lead an Others revolt? Or he is getting screwed over more than Tara Reid at a Grammy after-party?
23 - Pirate in the Flame Station. Who is he? Possibly Johnny Depp; perhaps a sweeps tie-in of some sort.
42 - The smoke monster is the Rich Little of shapeshifters. I wish I was that diverse.
(Written by the CDP. Avoided by spoiler-phobes worldwide.)
(Ben quietly wonders how long he'll live without a spine.)
4 - The title of Season Three/Episode 6 is "I Do."
8 - The episode will be Kate-centric. Expect the Marshal to make another appearance.
15 - The official press release from ABC reads: "Jack makes a decision regarding Ben's offer, Kate feels helpless when it looks like an angry Pickett is going to make good on his threat to kill Sawyer, and Locke discovers a hidden message that may guide him through the next step of his journey to unlocking the secrets of the island. We also see Kate in flashbacks, more specifically on her Wedding Day."
16 - As if we were all still wondering who Kate was in love with (Jack or Sawyer), she will be consummating said love with Saywer in this episode. Am I ready? Oh, you betcha'.
23 - This week, we will also find out why Karl was caged up by Sawyer in the first episode. That's a good thing, because I was losing sleep over that one. Also, expect to see the death of a secondary character. My money's on Pickett, but I don't really have any money.
42 - As you already know, this will be the last episode of Lost until February 7, a 12-week hiatus in a quest for a no-rerun season. During these 12 weeks, you can still tune to the CDP for all your Lost needs.*
*Your needs may vary.
(Not written by the CDP. Nope. Not one word.)
(I think you pulled the cornrows a little tight, there.)
As you know, Mr. Eko died this week. This is sad for a number of reasons, one being that he was one of my favorite characters on the show. From his first to last scene, he's been intriguing, intelligent and unspeakably violent, which are all things that I strive to one day become.
Without further adieu, throw down a 40 and bounce to this wack jam.
Here comes the Eko!
Cornrows flying! Others left crying!
From Nigeria to the Dharma island!
Smoke monster's looking scary!
Unfunny like Dave Barry!
Eko be dropping smack like the Virgin Mary!
He's got game like Pop-O-Matic!
Never causin' static!
Give the man an emmy, cuz' his style is dramatic!
Forget Tony Danza, because Eko's the boss!
He doesn't want to be your friend, like Chandler and Ross!
He shows up on my TV most ev-a-ry week!
Sucka's be waitin' 40 days just to hear him speak!
Make the Others say, 'hell no!'
Covering your ass like the Geico Gecko! (x2)
Drug dealer turned preacher!
Hustla' to teacher!
Rocking prime time like a sci-fi double feature!
You know he ain't playin'!
Smarter than Cliff Clavin!
Making Jerry Lewis go, "Gloy-vin glay-vin!"
When Eko get terse,
It go from bad to worse!
He'll bash your skull, and then he'll drop some verse!
Straight rocking out the cornrows in his native land!
Sellin' rockz in da' village just to make a grand!
His brother got capped and he saw the light!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all an Eko night!
Make the Others say, 'hell no!'
Covering your ass like the Geico Gecko! (x4)
(Fade out. Fold arms across chest and nod rhythmically.)
So, there you have it. Another Lost Friday in the books. Sound off in the comments section, or drop me an e-mail at email@example.com. When you get the chance, head on over to The Coconut Internet and say hello. If you want some CDP merch, check the link at the top; if you want to check out previous Lost Fridays, check out the links below.
Season 3 Preview
Season 3 - Episode 1 Review
Season 3 - Episode 2 Review
Season 3 - Episode 3 Review
Season 3 - Episode 4 Review
Thursday, November 2Eight Teeth To Eat You.
1. First impressions are very important, and I'm the undisputed King and Master of peeing them straight down my leg.
At work on Tuesday, a new employee was about to come over to my cubicle and introduce herself to me. She knew I was sort of a big deal, and probably wanted an autograph or something. It just so happened to be Halloween, so she was wearing a Prom Night-style costume; like a dead prom queen or something. She looked great, although I still haven't seen her in the office without the bloody makeup and tattered dress. Maybe I just made her up, and she doesn't really work here.
Anyways, she poked her head in just as I was taking a huge bite out of a BK Veggie Burger (along with a king-size fry and a chocolate shake; I'm trying to watch what I eat). As she kindly said hello (while cradling a bloody, plastic baby in her arms), I bit down and shot about a quart of mayo and barbecue sauce out of the ass-end of said burger, spooting it all over my important documents and literature.
As it were, she now thinks that the cleanest and most obsessive-compulsive man in the office is the filthiest and messiest. I'm sure of it.
You just watch. Over the next few weeks, I'll try to engage in conversation with her, making several attempts to prove to her just how organized and anti-mayo-spootage I actually am. However, karma being what it is, I'll just find more ways to solidify her first impression of me. Toner will splash liberally onto my pants. Newspaper ink will smear across my white shirt. Cream cheese and coffee will bombard me from all angles.
I'm the office slob to her, and no amount of organizing my Hi-Liters by color will undo that. This is precisely the sort of stuff that keeps me up at night, straightening my carpet fibers one at a time.
2. For the last few days, I was contemplating the construction of a mock MySpace page, where I would pretend to be someone I wasn't for the purpose of satire and comedy. I'd create a character that would write horrid poetry, take photos of themselves in their bathroom mirror and invite equally disappointing friends.
In the early stages of this completely original and not-at-all-tired joke, I realized just how much work and thankless tedium goes into a set-up like that, and realized it wasn't worth the trouble. I mean, what's the point in spending time on a joke that will generate polite laughter at best?
The CDP, however, remains fresh, current and hilarious. Chuck Norris and so forth.
3. I think that Studio 60 is going to get cancelled, and that's a damn shame. It's been funnier than SNL this season, which is terribly ironic, considering that Studio 60 sketches are supposed to be stale and contrived. At the very least, Heroes is roping in about a billion viewers a week, so they're not going anywhere.
4. On Halloween night, we had one trick-or-treater at our doorstep. Just one kid; alone and without his parents. When he knocked, I was so excited by the prospect my very first trick-or-treater at my very own door, I didn't even see what he was wearing. I vaguely remember a funny hat of sorts, but there's a good chance he wasn't even in costume. As it turned out, I was far happier to see him than he was to see me.
In my haste, I think I gave him 29 candy bars. I honestly think I just dumped the entire bowl into his bag. For the record, we had a huge bowl of Kit-Kats, Milky Ways and Snickers. We don't screw around.
Out of all the things that I miss from my childhood, Halloween is perhaps the closest to my heart. Now that I'm too old to participate in non-binge drinking Halloween festivities, I don't have too much to look forward to on October 31. The only thing I really wanted to check out that night was the Ghost Hunters Live show, but the Missus put up a huge fuss about not going to bed with her, and I only saw about an hour of the 6-hour investigation.
Maybe next year, I guess. I'm sure it'll be just as scary when I watch the playback tomorrow afternoon.
5. I'm going to be on Friday Night Smackdown! this week. Look for the white and red CDP sign near the top of the screen for most of the night. We had a good time, and were the best looking people in the entire arena. That's saying something; for me, at least.
6. From The Dream Dictionary: Dreams where the dreamers teeth are falling out are much more common that most people might think. In these, the dreamers teeth crumble in their hands or the teeth fall with a light tap. There are many interpretations for this dream, one interpretation is that losing teeth reflects the dreamers anxiety about his own appearance and how others view him or her, since the teeth is usually considered an important part of our appearance.
7. Here are the last 10 albums purchased by yours truly. My collection has surpassed 2,000 with no signs of slowing down:
a. The Decemberists - The Crane Wife
b. Me First & The Gimme Gimmes - Love Their Country
c. Mew - And The Glass Handed Kites
d. The Good Life - Black Out
e. Lifetime - Somewhere In The Swamps Of Jersey
f. Arctic Monkeys - Leave Before The Lights Come On
g. The Get Up Kids - Red Letter Day & Woodson
h. P.O.S. - Ipecac Neat
i. Mew - Frengers
j. REM - And I Feel Fine: Best Of The I.R.S. Years
8. Lost Friday arrives tomorrow, along with my national television debut. Sound off in the comments section and let me know how your warding off suicide for yet another day.